Tuesday, December 30, 2008

michael gretchen lotion

they all like you and for a moment there, i thought i liked you too. i think they call it charm. you have the capability of making people like you even when there's not much to like. you're a big flirt. i should be able to tell because i'm a big flirt myself. you are also abrasive and you don't give a fuck about what other people think as long as you're doing your job. that's why you piss me off so much. i don't even understand why when i'm damn great at my job and everybody hates me for it.

everybody here wants you. everybody but me.

i don't know where this is going. i didn't even intend to like you. if i really wanted to, it should've come to me the moment you first came into view. it all just started because of mistaken identity. they thought you were my crush. wrong!!!

sometimes it's not rejection that i'm scared of, but the idea that you might actually feel the same way. but then, why would you like me? why?

I'm thinking about my doorbell, when you gonna ring it
When you gonna ring it
I'm thinking about my doorbell, when you gonna ring it
When you gonna ring it


i was told that when you expect, you get disappointments but when you hope you get surprises. surprise me. tell me what this is about.

why do you care? no, let me rephrase that: why do you pretend to care? why do you pretend to be affected by what i do? why does it matter to you? why do i need to know every facet of your personality like it was something worth looking forward to? most of the time you make me feel like shit, you condescending bastard. you even call me shit. that's your term of endearment for me.

SHIT.

but you're the only one who's "brave" enough to tell me what's wrong with me and that means something. just don't imitate me because you're really ugly when you do that. really. dreadful. makes me cringe whenever i remember what you look like and the way your voice sounded. it's a good thing i'm not superstitious. i hate to have to spend the whole year waiting on you.

The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears
'cause it's all about love and I know better
How life is a waving feather

So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me

I'm dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you
No need for anything but music
Music's the reason why I know time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists
Time still exists

why did i put that song in there? is it for you? nah, i just happen to like it and it's been in my head for days.

i wouldn't even try to remotely be the person you would normally fall for. i will not change for you. yes, yes, like you said, very rebellious, very stubborn. if i did consider changing myself it wouldn't be because you asked but because i did plan to try to change for me. not for you, but for me.

because my nose IS beautiful. i get this nice looking skin out of eating tomatoes.

panic book buying

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i often complain about not having enough money to buy the books i want so last Christmas day, after my boss gave me a very generous bonus, i treated myself to a bunch of books. damnit, Harry Potter 1-6, the package is out of stock.

i had been trying to look for Memnoch for the longest time so when i saw it, i had to get it. and the Vampire Armand. and Merrick. i'm a big Anne Rice fan. at first i just wanted to get the first two or three books and then, just like my fascination for Jessica Zafra's Twisted, getting The Vampire Chronicles became sort of an obsession.

don't ask me about Twilight. i've read too many reviews, heard too many people say that it's crap. i respect the people who have seen the movie and read the books. i think Robert Pattinson is gorgeous. it's just that, i can't help it. i apologize. i grew up with Anne Rice and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the series) so i can't bring myself to appreciate it. yet. i like the cover, though, it's black. chess. i grew up playing chess. let me discuss some other time. chess and the Twilight series, i mean. i haven't had sleep yet.

anyway, i also finally finally got to buy Paolo Coehlo's By The River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept and another copy of The Unbearable Lightness of Being because some asshole/bitch borrowed the copy that M gave me and never returned it (rot in hell whoever you are) and upon my friend Brian's recommendation, a pocket book of short stories.

i don't need to review for anything right now since i'm waiting on bar results. i don't have a boyfriend and i can't play a sport until my sprained ankle heals so the books are the best alternative.

you should never be afraid to read books that aren't prescribed by your professors since it's how great minds are born and i'd like to think that i'm not that old to stop reading and learning.

waiting for my next bonus. or when Harry Potter goes back on stock. whichever comes first.

Dr. House without the cane and the 5 o'clock shadow

at about 4am of december 24, in the 20th floor of RCBC Plaza Tower 2, i met an accident and sprained an ankle. normally, whenever you tell the story you skip the part where you did something stupid. so let's skip that. fortunately, my former team leader Ian, poor catcher that he is (yes, if there was catching, that would mean some lifting or jumping), is a great friend. he brought me to the nearby hospital and stayed with me until the x-ray was over and brought me back to my station after the tests were run on me. nothing serious.

nothing serious.

nothing serious means i'll walk funny for a few days, with much difficulty and then afterwards, you'll see me running the hallways again.

i don't really like being the damsel in distress. well, only in certain occasions, i would like to feel helpless. i'm pretty independent. i'm already bitchy as it is. the worst thing i could do is to use my handicap to my disadvantage, but i do end up using it. there are just so many people who are insensitive and rude and they would only give you an advantage if they think you really need/deserve it.

nobody would give me a seat if they didn't see me limping and even then i'd get pushed around in the train. hell, they don't even give a pregnant lady a seat. i know i can afford to take a cab. it's not just about being frugal, it's about me being independent and self-sufficient if i can help it. besides, my dad would rather i get well quicker that even he pushes me around, and the office guys look at me funny and laugh at me when i walk. i don't like that because i don't do that to other handicaps. but i just end up being grumpier than i should because of these assholes.

people are lucky i don't have a cane. i just use my good old body mass to shove them off. i would really whack them if i did.

Monday, December 08, 2008

i conform when i need to

fake eyelashes - P150
hair&make up - P1,080
sequined black dress - P1,199
shoes - P800
Jett Pangan inviting you on stage (as opposed to just getting over there and being dragged away by the bouncer) so he can sing to you, and you sing with him and then him kissing you on the cheek (getting to hug Francis Reyes as well in the process) in front of everybody you work with - PRICELESS

You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want
Your story to remain untold

But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you


there was a part in their set when Jett put his arm around Francis and said something like it's a good thing that the ones who say "I love you" to the band are girls and Francis points to me and says, "that one isn't".

i had fun. i'd like to think i did. the band was my main reason for going. and my friends, of course. i even danced too. me dancing. hah! what do you know?

it's just such a pity that there are no pictures to act as evidence (there is a company video, i think) that i looked stunning last night, none. everybody said i looked wonderful, even my boss thought so that he missed out on the fact that the dress was too short. but the ones whom i wanted to see me be beautiful that way either weren't there or didn't really care as much as i wished they would.

of course, after the ball, like Cinderella, i had to go back to the reality that i'm ugly, that i have nothing and i am no one and that in the middle of my sleep someone other than my boss will call me and bug me about something they could very well fix on their own but they'd rather call me instead.

that's why i don't conform as much as everybody else. i might lose my manners.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

how come they get to be in Hollywood but not us?

over the weekend, i did some channel surfing and found two Hollywood movies that featured our indian sisters paired up with American actors. one was the movie Outsourced starring Josh Hamilton (Alive, The Bourne Identity, With Honors) about a guy whose company is restructuring so he gets shipped off to India to check out the call center there. apparently the whole company gets outsourced so he has to go to the country to train his replacement. speaks a lot about the call center industry, although in RP settings, we didn't really have to pinch our noses to say, "Chicago". makes you think why so many of us right now are earning a living through this industry but nobody ever makes a movie about us and sends it to the Toronto film festival. bands write songs about working in a call center, but none of them really get it.

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the other movie was Blind Dating, where Chris Pine (The Princess Diaries 2, Just My Luck) played a blind guy who ended up with an indian girl. he thought he almost lost the girl to Dr. Suresh ( i don't remember his name at the moment) because he was blind. anyway, romance. eew.

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no, i'm not really sourgraping, but you can't really blame me if i feel quite bad. some might say it's okay since most of the business for outsourcing is here anyway. but the idea that we are only, to the minds of other countries, still just a bunch of caregivers, nurses, domestic helpers and entertainers, call center agents (with all the dollars we rake in, still no respect from some of our countrymen - we'll have really major issues when we get old listening to all those stressful concerns) and not as people interesting enough to be highlighted in film.

i mean, the only time we get noticed overseas for our film industry is when we make movies about bad this country is: poverty, corruption, prostitution, hypocrisy - sure, these are harsh realities that every Filipino has to deal with, but then so does every individual of every third world country. why don't we show them our indie filmmakers, writers, bands? that's interesting. but despite all those Filipino actors who got to Hollywood, they can't make one movie that gets it right.

Malaysians, Indonesians, Taiwanese women, Asians all of them (sorry if i missed out on anyone), but not a Filipino breaks through. tight industry it is, whether as actors or filmmakers to get one in.

it's pretty disheartening. you can kiss that dream of having a Filipina play a Bond girl goodbye. they only know Manny Pacquiao and that's it.

here's hoping an independent Filipino filmmaker takes a hint and when they do, a festival who will give it recognition it deserves.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

i really don't get it

i hate the fact that people think that this position is powerful. i did not apply for this job because of that. i also did not sign up for this job just so i could sleep with my boss. don't get me wrong, my boss is attractive, i'm just simply not attracted to him. he has evolved from being just my superior, to becoming my friend and my older brother. he has made working this hard become very enjoyable and less stressful. i have learned that while you can't change everything, can't save everyone, when you start something good and wonderful to try to empower people, it grows on them and they become more assertive of themselves. my confidence has grown immensely ever since i have started working for him. it saddens me though, because, like i always whine about on this page, he is more receptive and more accepting of me than my own father.


i try as much as i can to follow a good work ethic. i try to carry myself accordingly since my actions not only reflects on me, but on my superior as well. although, you have to admit, i am an ass and i never cared about what other people think regardless. i'm just more careful because i'm representing the higher power who works with me. which is why i hate it when people think that i use this position to get special favors. while he listens to me and respects my opinions, i don't use that influence to get what i want. i don't work that way.



***

i hate the fact that people are so scared to do the right thing. i hate indifference. i hate that in this culture, even when you work hard or even when your intentions are good, red tape will always prevail. i hate the fact that people are afraid to fight for what they believe in or that everyone's just out to save their ass. i hate to succumb to this dog-eat-dog world. i may be cynical over a lot of things, but i hate to think that man has gotten so low that he simply has no morals, no principles, just good old-fashioned kiss ass, crab mentality. it shouldn't be that way.



i have said before that it's sad that no matter how you try to help people or how hard you work, for some weird reason, the people who don't work as much, the ones who are so greedy are the ones who get all the breaks. i refuse to believe that it has become so blatant that you don't need to work; somebody is stupid and weak enough to do the work for you while you get all the credit. it saddens me that people are actually scared to speak up and report these sycophants.

tolerance, indifference, is also a crime. in R.P. law, a felony is an act or OMISSION that causes damage to another. i mean, look at it this way: if you're a rape victim and you're angry but you are too embarrassed to talk, you allow the criminal to get away and rape someone else, then in a way you become a criminal yourself.

i don't know why these agents are scared to do the right thing. they only want to report what they see wrong when they resign, which doesn't really help anyone.


i can't do anything. i can't save everyone. you can complain and complain to me. i'll listen. just don't expect me to do anything.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

music from So You Think You Can Dance season 3

no, there isn't any album out, but if there were, this would be the totality of all the music they played on the season and danced to.

sweet dreams are made of these - this was a jazz piece danced by neil and sabra to the choreography of mandy moore. yes, her name is mandy moore. no, she did not sing cry, only hope and i wanna be with you. i bet she gets that all the time, but this mandy has been known for orchestrating some of the best steps for jazz and contemporary for So You Think You Can Dance. this dance allowed neil to show his gymnastic tricks and at the same time, show how versatile sabra is.

i'll stand by you - sabra and dominic needed this. it showcased dominic's soft side and started the duo's safe streak on the show. it proved that dominic, while a B-boy, had the potential to learn other types of dances and actually excel in them. sabra in this piece proved that she was a force to be reckoned with.

let the drummer kick - i don't think anybody understood this mia michaels piece that's why it placed lauren and neil on the bottom three. the song just kept on playing in my ear ever since i heard it. it made me think that i don't have to understand the piece. contemporary dance doesn't always have to have a story. maybe it's also meant to be fun, like two plumbers with really big goggles.

time by billie porter - this piece made me cry. it just proves that mia michaels deserves the emmy she won. it made me sad that i don't have the same relationship with my father. i never had moments like those with my dad. maybe i did, there were just more sad ones than there were happy ones that's why i liked this piece so much.

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waiting on the world to change (solos) - i love john meyer. i loved the fact that even if they all had to do the same wade robson routine, each and every one of them made it like their own. each of the finalists had the fire that wade was going for when he thought of the routine i guess, which made every dance so powerful, never mind if the steps were the same. hear sabra roar.

i will remember you (goodbye song by ryan cabrera) - i like the song, period. they play it when someone gets kicked out.

it had to be you - i loved the way danny and anya looked radiating in this dance, like they were floating in the happiness of dance ( i can't believe i just said that, i don't even know what i meant - i probably do, i just can't articulate it properly right now) and everything is right in the world.

then you look at me - you know that mia michaels will feature at least one celine dion song in the season and this was perfect. it made you want to believe that danny and lauren were lovers who would go against all odds just to be together. props to the cameramen for following them until the very last moment of the piece

the moment i said it - the song fortified my fascination with imogen heap. the dance too.

rockafeller skank - this didn't look like pasha and sara's first time together. the chemistry showed like they were dancing all their lives together. benji schwimmer proved to us, by choreographing this piece that he is the new king of swing.

body language - i like this song, not just because i'm a queen fan, but because i am one =) because a jazz piece, as stated by mandy moore, is not a jazz piece, without the jazz hands. talk about the eighties at its finest.

make it work - if you have been reading this (like somebody actually had the time to waste reading this shit), you would know that i'm not a big fan of RnB. but dominic and sabra danced it so beautifully, they had so much chemistry, you'd wonder what goes on in those long hours of practicing together. like shane sparks said, it's a hot song, they're a hot pair, and a choreography enough to melt your heart. like i wish there was a guy who'd just pick me up and look at me like that.

enough said.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

everywhere boy

let's face it: you have what they call "the hotness factor" or as my friend would put it, you're the only person worth looking at in this site. you actually kept on walking past me a few times. but i never really noticed until you opened your mouth.

you're everywhere! and apparently so am i.

wait, that's my line.

no, this isn't one of those bugs bunny episodes (i'm gonna tell the authorities, i'm gonna tell the authorities"), neither do i plan to enroll in one of those reform schools. i am overdue for a physical make over and to others, even a whole personality change is wanting but i'm not gonna go there. not for you anyway, seeing you can't spell and all (your and you're are two different things. the first is a possessive pronoun, the second, is the contraction of the phrase "you are") and you talk like you have this stopper up your butt. very deep voice, very manly. but in a way, listening to you sometimes, with the way you speak, puts a certain pain in my chest.

besides, you were the one who said pretty and stupid don't work. chances are, you're young and despite all idealism and banter exchanged, you are bound to commit mistakes and not see the one in front of you. you will ultimately choose the girl with the small waist and the equally small brain. and you know how it is when a guy thinks you're funny - you will never ever sleep with him because you'll always be one of the boys, the best friend and God knows i don't want to be just your friend.

i'm not going to change what i am. i'm not going to overhaul myself, even if it will do me good to do so. i love what i am, i'm comfortable with myself and i will embrace it totally and if you were every bit as sensible as who you purport yourself to be, you'll see that and like it.

but i want you with a passion i can't explain. it's weird. i know it'll soon pass, just like all of them other boys i pine over. but i want you everywhere. i just want you to be my everywhere, my everything boy.

but to love you is to need you everywhere
i need you here, there and everywhere.

until it's time to move on to the next one. because you can tell from the pictures that i'm a rockstar.

i'm not like the girls that you've known
but i believe i'm worth coming home to

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

beautiful distraction

when I started reviewing I wasn't really expecting to meet someone. I just wanted to study because of the limited time I had. I knew that being back in school meant seeing some of my old friends again and getting to know some of the new residents in the organization I was part of. but I didn't expect to meet you.


not my type, actually. you're attractive, just not the type I'm normally attracted to. but we can carry on a conversation and that meant a lot. in a way, aside from studying, you gave me a reason to get up in the morning and go to school to review. damnit, you even made me want to fix myself again, and i don't normally do that. i don't even like being the damsel in distress. but you were a gentleman and you like asserting the fact that you are, although there are certain times when words slip out of your mouth that i wouldn't normally hear from an average straight man.


i could probably like you that way, and given different circumstances, i would ask you out and take my chances, considering both of us have been alone for so long and as they say, misery loves company. what better company than you, who like me, lonely pathetic creatures that we are, it just might work.


or not.


thankfully, i still remember the reason why i took the 20-working days off, that the reason i was there was to study and nothing more. maybe make new friends and reconnect with old acquaintances, but the main purpose was to study, to take the bar and fucking pass it. i didn't need the shit. i didn't need you to make me feel that i might be capable of loving that way again. i didn't need you to make me feel period. somehow you did. and we could both just wonder what might have been.


you are an attractive nuisance i was able to abate.


because you don't always have to know the other side of the "what ifs" when being friends can give you the fix already. i don't need to complicate things when they're simple enough.

Friday, October 03, 2008

contributing to the reduction of stupidity in this world

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now that september is over, i have more time in my hands to read the books that i want to read and i mean books like not law books.

i got that line from Ige Ramos on this new book i bought. yeah, yeah, it's Jessica Zafra again. what, you were expecting Mills and Boon?

i always say here that if i had all the money i wanted to have i would buy all the cds that i want to listen to and all the books that i want to read. unfortunately, we all can't have what we want, affordable books being one of those things we want but cannot have. it's just like that cute guy you wish you dated but he liked one of those fair waif stupid types. i want a good book. i just can't afford them.

fortunately Twisted 8 is affordable. actually, all of jessica zafra's books are affordable. one of the things i like about that woman aside from the fact that she's a great writer, is the fact that if one were just patient enough, they could find her books on any shelf of any bookstore and get it cheap. yes, this is a shameless plug. the book is funny, sarcastic, and yet, still informative.

if only people read more books from great Filipino writers like Bienvenido Santos, Jessica Zafra, Bob Ong, Christopher Eugenio (he doesn't have one yet but i bet if he did, the book will rock), Danton Remoto, Anabel Bosch (and all the women who write for Romancing Venus) to name a few, then people will stop voting all the dancers, basketball players and actors who eventually become traditional politicians.

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another book i've been wanting to read but never really had the chance to start reading is lovely bones. it was recommended by my good friend boi bitch. i bought it but i had to put it aside in favor of my law books. it starts out eerie but i can't really tell what lies ahead since i never really got past page one. i'm really looking forward to finishing the book. then maybe i could describe it here and hopefully say more than just "buy it, it's great!"

i love reading. it's one of those things i hope everyone would start doing on a regular basis, and not just because they need to submit a book report or pass a subject. maybe if everyone just kept on reading and learning, then maybe this world could be a much better, smarter place. because we should never hinder ourselves from learning new things and what better way of learning than by reading good, great books.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

ako si chris

NO, this is not about my friend, boibitch.

i have to thank my friend julius for this. i felt so embarrassed that i tried to add him when there has been this invitation waiting in my inbox for 3 weeks now.

at first i thought it could've been just some Fil-Am boy who didn't know what to do with his time so i checked out his site to see what the fuss is about. the man is from new jersey! my boss is from NJ! and you know how it is with the accent, whether it's an Englishman or an American. there's the aspirated "t" and "p" when they speak. with chris, it comes out when he sings. and boy, can he sing. he has a good singing voice and exceptional guitar skills.

i was amazed by the fact that this man would take a video of himself playing guitar, singing Filipino rock songs, and this is with a little bit of embarrassment. i suddenly felt like a foreigner in my own country.

let's face it: here was a guy who probably didn't understand those songs at first but liked the melody enough to study and learn them and even sing the songs while here you are (and with you, i mean all you fellow Pinoys who listen to crapola - mixing the original version and the tagalized really sorry ass version of Umbrella together eew) listening to all this shit that these record companies feed you with when all the good stuff is left unrecorded, unnoticed. the real music is out there, you just have to go to the bars and hear them play. we pay big bucks to see MYMP and Nina do covers of Barry Manilow et al and here was this guy covering Narda?

i mean, don't you think it's funny if not weird, that a man from new jersey loved the Pinoy rock music enough to videotape himself and spread the word out through the worldwide web by singing songs by Mayonnaise, The Dawn, Parokya ni Edgar, Sugarfree and Kamikaze?

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isn't he cute? i wonder if francis has seen this.

i really wish that people in this country would open their eyes, their ears, to new things, to the bands that are out there rather than patronize foreign acts when here's one foreigner who loves our music enough to want to post videos of himself playing them. it's not just about buying cds and going to the shows, it's about knowing the music is out there and spreading the word about it.

Monday, September 22, 2008

i'll just take the blame

so i had the exams yesterday. and the week before that. and the week before that. i don't want to talk about it. i just hope i don't get DQ'd. one more sunday to go.

*nuninu*

i don't want to think about you that way. i like you but i don't want to think about you that way. you're a distraction. no matter what i do, nothing will ever come out of it so i won't bother to even invest in feeling this way for you. funny, because i think i get you. but you don't get me. and maybe you could feel this way for me too if you wanted to. but you don't. besides, i know myself enough to know that this will pass and i'll forget feeling this way for you the way i feel about everybody else.

*nuninu*

so i've had the chance to reunite with the organization and i'm getting to know my frat brods and sorority sisters. of course, i haven't really surfaced until now so there was a lot of warming up to do. i don't really have trouble making friends, it's the explaining that's hard.

i just tell them that M and I used to be a relationship and i tell them it was my fault we broke up (even if she brought the doctor in to the library just a week after she left me) so that they don't really have to ask her. and well, she scares them so i think they'll just take my word for it :]

i just don't tell them that i kinda cheated because she changed first or that she told me so many things that made me leave A or that she was doing suspicious things that made me want to cheat on her. i lost myself, i didn't have a personality when i was with her. my friends didn't like her. not that it mattered, but if you were gay and you had a bisexual friend, you should be okay with the idea of her going out with another lesbian, right. they weren't. they didn't like her. they felt like she dominated me. in a way, she did, because as independent as i am, i wanted to be controlled. i wanted to be submissive to someone, and she did that for me, aside from massaging my feet. but then, she also drove me crazy. i couldn't be me with her, i felt i held back on certain things because of her. i could never be better than she was or stuff. stuff. stuff i'd rather not discuss because i've gone over that. i'm over that.

but people have to know: if link made me cold and unfeeling, M made me a lying, cheating, selfish paranoid bitch. i was a good person. i was dead inside, but i was a good person.

*nuninu*

and then my dad decided it was a great idea to devote four hours into telling me that i won't amount to anything and that i won't be this and that and shit.

shit.

*nuninu*

i can't wait to go back to work. when i'm at work i'm too busy i don't remember how broken i am.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

you have to do better than that

i had to write this down. apparently now, i supposedly have some more time in my hands than i did before and i couldn't really study unless i type this out first to get it off my chest.

did you know that you can actually have the 5 stages of sleep in less than two hours? i dreamt about Everywhere Boy. i thought there was just something wrong with my airconditioning timer because it felt like i was sleep for more hours than that. but i dreamt about him and other things and that's how i knew my sleep cycle was slightly screwed up. for one thing, i was getting more than two hours of sleep. oh well.

*nuninu*

there used to be a time when i couldn't look at you and yet i couldn't last a day without seeing you. i would go back to the office even when it was impractical to go just so i would get a glimpse of you. then we went out and i thought we could follow through on it considering i would say, we had the most interesting conversation.

timing. you were always busy or doing something, or shit like that. or maybe you just didn't want to go and you just couldn't get yourself to tell me. either way, i got tired of waiting on you, waiting for you to have the time. that's when i knew you were like everybody else i pined over. i'd forget you as quickly as i had wanted to see you before. and now you keep on saying hi to me like i mattered and as if you still mattered to me. but you always catch me busy or on a really stressful day, or shit like that. talk about timing.

*nuninu*


i currently handle two sites of the company i work for because my boss handles programs from both and one of the coaches from the other sites, shaw, approached me last week to supposedly talk to me about something important. she said that another coach from my original site, rcbc, warned her to be careful around me because i'm a snitch, a backfighter, etc. because i am that way in rcbc. and i told her to be careful then. sweetie, if you wish to create paranoia within me and my alliances, you have to do better than that.

first of all, like i have always been saying here for the longest time. people hate me because people will hate you for no apparent reason. they will especially hate you when they think you have the capacity to show them how stupid, rotten, discriminating, etc. they are. people have hated me even when i was still an agent. my being the Boss's assistant doesn't change that. it just makes the people more insecure of me, or force them to smile at me even when they don't want to. i know the people who truly love me, i know the people who hate me and i know the people who are nice to me because my boss is my boss. i know that hard work is crap and it doesn't matter if i finished a law degree which would in some way, make me smarter than most people but in the end, to their eyes, before Nathan, i'm just a frigging agent. people wouldn't look at me twice. they wouldn't find me interesting because i am, or take me seriously because i deserve it. they find every facet of my life important because i'm Nathan's assistant. other than that, i'm crap like everyone else and all those times Everywhere Boy and i would run into each other wouldn't mean anything because i would like be just everyone else.


secondly, sweetie, you forget, that most of the key players in the shaw site came from rcbc, not to mention, they are my friends. we've survived the rumors in the workplace because we know better, we keep the communication line open, and more importantly, we don't, i repeat, don't do anything to incriminate ourselves that will allow anybody to find fault in our group. of course, i'm just the EA, but all of them are very hardworking and responsible directors, managers and supervisors who have very great work ethics. you can say all you want about me, and i don't mind, because i'm the black sheep anyway, but you can't harm them. and i won't let you.


lastly, the only reason you came to me is because you're an irresponsible twit and you're in this mad witch hunt as to who ratted you out. my advice: if you're going to do something wrong, don't get caught. you and your, "entourage" have this blatant disregard for discipline and EVERYBODY knows. i don't even have to say anything and just for the record, i didn't. you can verify with my boss.

*nuninu*


i'll only try to win you over once, or twice. if it gets too hard i won't even try a third time. i get along better with your best friend because i get along better with people i don't like that way. it's not like i have a gun pointed to your head. you can say "no", you know. i'm just hoping you'll try to consider saying "yes" first before you shut out the idea completely. at the end of the day, i'm just looking for interesting people to talk to. if you don't want to talk to me, i won't blame you. i'll let you blame yourself in the future because you let me get away =]

*nuninu*


going back to school again meant reuniting with the members of my band in law school and my fraternity brothers and sorority sisters. i never knew how much i had missed the fun we had until we started talking again. i have been under the radar for the most part since i have been avoiding my stalkers and questions about M and A and all that shit. not that i haven't moved on from that, i have. i just don't like the idea of having to explain myself over and over again when it's done. they're both happy. i'm happy. i'm civil to both of them. sometimes, law school can just be so boring that they find the need to talk about your life and the past and bring it up for small talk. and i don't want to go through that anymore. i like my life now. doesn't anybody want to talk about my life now?


but really, i missed them and all the fun we had. i look forward to spending some time with them after the exams, like maybe hang out and talk about stuff and how we can help the school and our bandmates and the organization itself, or just plain hang out. i would love that.

*nuninu*

i miss troma, but only 50% of the band missed me. they didn't even remember my birthday =[

i really wish we could all get together. i miss hearing them play, watching them perform. i miss their company. i really wish that after all this shit we're having right now, things can be straightened out and we can all play again.


*nuninu*


i actually never really noticed you. of course, a friend would argue that you're the only person worth looking at in this site and i might agree only, you are not JL. i have been checking out JL from the lung center. that alone made me want him. when he opened his mouth, my IQ and underwear fell. you, i didn't know about until our chance meetings and until you opened your mouth. even now i have doubts, what with the "your" and "you're" slips. but you're an interesting character to know, to say the least, whom i enjoy talking to. i'm glad that you consider me sensible but then i've known for too long that there are too many of you so-called sensible lads who say they don't think stupid and pretty are a good combo but end up falling for them ordinary types anyway. you're (because i know the difference between the possessive "your" and the contraction of "you are") either that or you're secretly in love with your boss. i swear the mother and son tandem looks slightly incestuous, with more of the hormones coming out of your end.

*nuninu*

now that that's out of the way, i can read and study now. these discussions with Atty. Sandoval are both enlightening and hilarious. i get to appreciate the law once again and by God, i love the law. i just hope it loves me back.

Monday, September 01, 2008

i think i may have withdrawal symptoms

i woke up at 5.30am this morning. i saw sunlight seeping through my window and heard the birds chirping for the first time in a long time. the last time i had been up at 5am on a monday morning was when i was still seeing russell. he would text me that early to let me know he was travelling back to manila from his province (or wherever). normally, when i'd see birds chirping, i'd be seeing them from the office, when i go down to smoke.

it was weird to be up this early. i realize i have to get used to the idea of waking up early. and not going to the office.

i may have said more than once that it doesn't bother me that Nathan won't be with me for a whole month. the man can take care of himself. and he has Anna to assist him, to back me up. i'm not worried that the company will be without me. the office won't shut down just because i'll be gone for a month.

but i might.

i haven't been away from the office for that long. i have said more than once that this job has saved me and continue to do so, and even as i try to escape it my body longs for work. yes, yes, much as i hate to admit it, i am addicted to work. i have nothing, no one else anyway, except my work. and if i may say so, despite my flaws, i am damn good at it.

i still want to be a lawyer. i still want to take a shot at it. i still want to find out if there is life outside the call center industry or if this profession can help in any way to the job i am currently in right now. i have to know. i'm glad that my boss was nice enough to support me.

it may take a while but i'll get used to waking up in the daytime, roughing it with the day people during rush hour and not having to answer anyone when they call. i have to get used to not reminding anyone anything. i have to get used to sunlight.

that job may be stressful but a month not doing it will kill me. i have been used to doing it for about a year now. call me insane or something, but it takes getting used to, especially when i've been used to that routine for so long.

it's 5.20pm. i would have been just about ready to start my day. oh yeah, it's Labor Day in the US. no work.

i have to get back to my reading.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

i just thought i'd remind you that i do exist

it doesn'really hurt as bad anymore.

there used to be a time when my day wouldn't be complete without catching a glimpse of you, no matter how inconvenient it would be to me i just had to see you.

now i see you and i feel . . . nothing, absolutely nothing.

it was just a phase i would get over; you were a phase. there are certain patterns you can't change, no matter how you try and you were one of them.

who's stalking who now?

***
nuninu

***

after five years with our company, our program/account decided to pull out and switch vendors. at the center just right in front of ours at that! oh, the drama, after my boss announced it to the floor, that our days were numbered. people started crying, not knowing what would happen to them once that final call is answered and the curtains close on this company for all of them/us, who have devoted time, blood, sweat, tears to this program.

i've had so many friends here, frustrated relationships, frustrated relationships and frustrated relationships. people who have made a difference in my life and people whom i'd rather not remember. good people. we have a lot of great people here. it's just too sad that we won't have that anymore.

(listening to Markers of Beautiful Memories by Camerawalls as i write this - need i say this is one of the best tracks i have ever heard?)

it's funny how this family has been my home for about two years before Nathan adopted me, how i would come over here even when i was on leave, how this is actually making me sad.

oh, well. i think that's enough to remind you all i'm still here, just don't have time to write.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

this is my guilty pleasure right now a.k.a. Jonny is sooo hot

please make sure to read the first part of the title like Janina San Miguel and everything else with a Brit accent.

i know i have to study. i know i have lots of chores at home and at work. but i can't, simply can't stop myself.

i only chanced upon on tv while channel surfing, looking for an excuse to take a break from all that reading and i just happened to see Jonny on tv and his first entry into the house, that big house of evil.

the show is about ten people put in a house, each of them attractive in some way or another and everytime a new person comes in, regardless of sex and/or sexual preference, the ten people have to judge who among them is the least attractive. the two other people get to stay in the house after which they mingle with the people of vanity lair, perform a sexual, uhm, sorry, social experiment, and by the end of the week, the lairmates decide who between the two new arrivals is more attractive. that person gets to stay in the house but since only ten people can stay in the house, whoever gets chosen will choose who he/she thinks is the least attractive among the lairmates and replace him/her. the least attractive person leaves the lair forever.

i like Pavle. he's not that attractive at first glance, but he's smart and clean and he has a sense of humor. Jonny, on the other hand, is like, classic, rocker dude, sooo hot. my little crush with eyeliner. i fancy him. hope i can snog him too :)


PhotobucketPhotobucket

these pictures are unflattering but they guarded this social experiment so much, you can't find pictures of them anywhere!

i hope we can do something like this here in the r.p. too, just to prove all those things they taught you when you were younger were wrong: beauty is useless, character is the best; beauty is only skin deep; what is beauty if brain is empty; etc etc ad infinitum. we all know that we are all superficial. we just like watching other people be, so we wouldn't have to feel guilty about ourselves.


i mean, let's face it. everyone is a little bit judgmental about everyone, whether it be about someone's looks, personality, educational attainment, sex, etc. we cannot for some reason admit that we do it yet we hate it when other people say that about us.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

i don't get it

i don't understand why people will jump at the first chance to be greedy, to be mean but when asked to do the right thing, everybody's scared shit. i don't get it.


is it because people will remember it more when you do something shameless or notorious but nobody can recall a good deed when done?


i am currently at a position where i know i'm doing the right thing and i know a lot of people can actually benefit from my doing the right thing but nobody's going to back me up because they're afraid. they'll wait to speak up until after everything is over or like when they're about to leave. isn't it better to say something now and reap from the benefits of speaking up rather than suffer the consequences of your silence?


i guess a lot of people have a mouthful to say about this and that. they like to complain like hell, like smoke will come out of their ears. but they like to complain to the wrong people. when they're asked by people who can actually make changes for them, they shut up. that sounds to me like having misplaced balls, don't you think?


people are so ashamed of doing the right thing. wouldn't you be more ashamed if you were doing something wrong? shouldn't you be?

Friday, July 04, 2008

ano na nangyari sa meaningful relationship ko?

i wrote this the same day last year and at the time, i was really devastated because i didn't get the promotion i wanted. since then i have been working for the best boss in the planet and a year later, i still haven't found what i'm looking for. i still don't have that, you know, meaningful relationship.


"Nothing is more attractive to a man than a woman who is in love with him"

- Eleanor Parker as Baroness Elsa Schraeder, the Sound of Music (film)


i was very much attracted to JL, as i have mentioned here before and people commented that i may have overdone showing him just how attracted i was that i actually repelled him. isn't he supposed to be attracted to me because i'm outgoing and smart and i make sense? does it mean that with all that brain he's still after an insipid woman?

i can't change that. when i do like someone, i find it hard to contain my feelings and they will manifest in whatever form regardless, no matter how strongly i try to bury them. i have to let it out otherwise i will explode. sadly, i'm not the type who will try to change for a boy/girl so i don't think i'll ever get to find anyone with my attitude.


i'm not really in a hurry although sometimes it makes you wonder how horrible people are in a relationship and they seem happy, while nice people like yourself are alone and without anyone.

do i really scare people with my strong personality? is it a disadvantage that one is smart or outspoken because guys/gals would rather go for the submissive type?

you know what, sometimes, i am glad that i'm alone. at least, i don't have to deal with the shallow issues that people with relationships have to deal with and i am surrounded by people with petty issues that they know they can solve they just choose to be unhappy and unsettled and shallow. but (there it is again), it just gets lonely sometimes because after all those rationalizations, you just really want to be shallow and unrational and happy. happy happy shallow shallow.

so when is it coming? will it ever come to a realization, my meaningful relationship?

Thursday, July 03, 2008

pushing lee aside

i have been waiting for lee pace to resurface for the longest time now and it took johno for me to realize that he has a new show.

pushing daisies logo

the show is about a piemaker named Ned who has the ability to bring dead things back to life. however, if something/someone is revived for more than one minute, something of similar "life value" in the vicinity drops dead as a form of balance. moreover, if he touches the revived thing/person again a second time, it falls dead again - permanently.

aaron

i feel for this man - not just because i am attracted to guy who plays him, lee pace, but because the character is so close to home. he is an outsider and sadly, the only person who can make him come out of his shell, the person he so holds dearly to his heart, is the one person he cannot touch.

we all want someone whom we cannot touch, or have. there is always that one person in our life to whom we can open up to and that person alone can make life worth living. for Ned, it's Chuck, his childhood sweetheart. for me, i don't know anymore. i just know i feel empty. maybe because i don't have one and i know there may never be one at all. there may be a person out there that i can open up to, and make me feel free. but that person i can never have. ever.

Math tell us three of the saddest love stories. Tangent lines who had one chance to meet and then parted forever. Parallel lines who were never meant to meet and asymptotes, who can get closer and closer, but will never be together.
- text message from my good friend Paul San Diego

Thursday, June 26, 2008

DL

because thomas, you're not the only cute guy in Collections.

i have been noticing him for a long time now, but i didn't really notice him as much until i saw them play basketball. it's that weird mating ritual thing, you see them all sweaty and somehow, it is appealing to the senses. in all fairness, he is a good basketball player. and to other people's standards, he is actually cuter than TL, if not, for the simple reason that he looks like he takes a bath and TL doesn't.

what makes me more fond of this guy is the fact that he is more receptive to me than TL is. he is sweeter, he acknowledges me, he doesn't need encouragement to talk to me or be touchy (may i say, i have no problem touching him - bwahahahaha) and shall i say, flirts back? i like that. and it takes the load off, as far as TL is concerned. because thinking about TL seems to put almost the same amount of pain as JL does to me, since i can't, for the life of me, explain why it's so hard to reconnect considering we've already talked about too many things. but DL, he's very nice to me and very sweet and still very humble and you know that he is genuinely concerned about you.

while i am fond of him, i don't really think about him romantically, although there's this minuscule part of me that wishes we could be. i know enough not to expect. i am content at the idea that i have a new friend whom i can look forward to seeing when i go to work.

don't we all need somebody to look forward to when work sucks?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

if we're truly friends, it shouldn't matter who my service provider is

as per lhiam's translation: rock rock in heaven, whoever hits, ouch

i'm pissed because this company is not paying me enough to do the job that i'm doing. i'm paid more with the kind of job that i'm doing in other companies. i just happen to love my boss and the people here so i stay.

lately, i am disappointed with the people i work with. well, not all of them, just a few people who i noticed don't talk to me on a regular basis. i mean, it's bad enough that i have to deal with people who didn't used to give me the time of day but are now talking to me because i work for my boss; but i have to deal with people who talk to me because they like somebody i know. unlike other people, i don't have a problem asking for other people's digits, especially guys. well, except the ones i really really really uberly like. makapal mukha ko e. hindi ko na hihintayin na hingin nila ang number ko. hindi na po ganun ang panahon, sorry namern. masakit pero totoo. ang tagal bago niyo ko huling kinausap tapos ngayon kinakausap niyo ko uli. meron pang time na kelangang ipagpilitan ko ang sarili ko sa inyo para lang kausapin niyo ko. it's not an excuse that i'm busy, i'm always busy but i try to make time for you. and then all of a sudden you start talking to me again because you like this guy. hindi halatang obvious.

i don't like the idea that people use the excuse that i have this service provider and this is theirs. BULLSHIT. kung naisip niyo ko yayain magkape o uminom ng beer before kayo umalis hindi niyo na ko kelangan itext na sumunod sa inyo as an afterthought. hindi ako ang nagbago kasi EA na ko. nagbago kayo. wag gawin dahilan ang service provider. kaya kong bumili ng kape/beer. kaya kong bumili ng load. dapat kayo rin. pare-pareho naman tayong walang pera, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kilala niyo lang ako pag kelangan niyo ko. binabati ko naman kayo regardless. nakakasakit ng damdamin. nakakasama ng loob. i mean, how would YOU feel if i suddenly felt like going out with my new friends (whom you are crazy about) and not invite you? what if i invited you but it's pretty obvious that i only did that as an afterthought?

it hurts to admit. i mean, i may also be guilty of what i just said here. but right now, i feel bad enough as it is because i don't get to sleep, i don't get to rest and people have a knack of blaming me because they don't have anyone else to blame. it's sad because i also don't have anyone, i'm pathetic, the guys i like don't like me back. but i'm old enough and i'd like to say mature enough to know that i've gotten over that, that it's not a big deal anymore. i'm not in high school where everything is a big deal. for one thing, i don't have zits the size/range of indonesia anymore. i won't say i'm not hurt but i am at an age where i don't expect too much because i know that things won't always happen the way you want them to. which is why i don't expect you to change. there is no cure for hypocrisy. or stupidity.

it's just sad when you need friends and you don't know who your friends really are. they probably are your friends. they just have a rotten way of showing how reliable they are or not reliable. think about it: do you really want to be known as the friend who only remembers his/her friends when they need something? i think they have a term for that. uh, can you say fair-weather friend? no, let's try the more colloquial term: KUPSI

sabi ko naman sa umpisa pa lang: bato bato sa langit, ang tamaan wag magalit. pag nagalit ka, malamang guilty ka rin kahit konti kasi alam mong dumidikit ka lang sa'kin kasi kelangan mo ko. kamusta ka naman di ber? anong klase kang tao?

i may be a lot of things, i may have an attitude problem but i never abandon my friends. i can get busy to the point of not showing up for a major event but i don't leave my friends. they always leave. the ones who aren't worth it, i guess and i don't mind them leaving, i just hope they'd be more discreet about their abandoning ways. oh well.

wait, i have to call someone. from the other provider.

cabanatuan feels like lightyears

my good friend ace and his band bagetsafonik performed this song last thursday for ninjakyusi and JL was the first person that got into my head. i didn't see him for his last day in manila. i also love this song. yes, i am a big eraserheads fan.

Lightyears
Eraserheads

Big dipper north of nowhere
Outside the room inside my mind
Look forward to tomorrow
But can I leave yesterday behind

How it feels so strange
To have grown and changed
Now it's not the same

'coz time, slips and slide into another place
And try, as we might to understand each other
Doesn't really matter where you are
It always seem so far
'coz you're lightyears away
You're lightyears away from me

Little dipper south of somewhere
It looks much closer than it really is
I held it in my hands
But you're forever out of reach

Far as the eye can see
Nothing is meant to be
Doesn't mean much to me

But oh, if I only had a rocket ship to fly
I'd be right there in a minute
But it doesn't really matter where you are
However near is still so far
'coz when you're lightyears away
You're lightyears away from me

Far as the eye can see
Nothing is meant to be
Doesn't mean much to me

'coz time, slips and slide into another place
And try, as we might to understand each other
Doesn't really matter where you are
It always seem so far
'coz you're lightyears away
You're lightyears away from me

Look forward to tomorrow
But can I leave yesterday behind

It's funny because, it just feels like yesterday when i first met you.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

for JL too

"time and time again i wish that i had hair . . . i don't wanna lose it, can't you see?"

"tulibu dibu douchou"

God, i'll miss that. i'll miss the banter; having someone to terrorize, harass; make fun of people with; argue with; check spelling of; ask questions to, stupid or otherwise; and everything else supposedly worth talking about. i'll miss whining and having you there to listen to it. and i've only known you almost a year. it wasn't long ago when i was checking you out from the lung center. everybody wants you. to talk to, yes, but they don't necessarily find you attractive. i know i do. i love every waking second i spend talking to you. i know you don't feel the same way, you never will. maybe you do, but not to that extent. maybe that's what i love about you the most: the fact that you keep me hanging. i know everybody keeps me hanging, and with you it's so uberly blatant, how you don't like people you work with, or your friends. very respectable and admirable indeed. so long as you're not the friend/co-worker with feelings for the friend/co-worker. and i'm totally fine with that as long as i have the assurance that the friendship you and i have will withstand distance. we will always have that no matter what (your words, not mine) and i believe you.

everytime i go home, i feel hurt, i feel bad that we may never have as much time as we do now to talk. just talk. i do feel bad already, since i can't be with you as much, me moving back and forth between two sites like this. but i feel like, and i know that i'm probably the only one feeling this, despite just knowing each other for a year, i know you, and i've connected with you the way i have with my male friends (except the benefits part, with some of them) and to me that's something. more than anything, i love the idea of not having to feel problematic. you make me laugh, all the time, even if on most of those times, you make me laugh at myself. i like that. you have problems but you don't look like you do. i want that.

but i can't ever have you. i will never even be an iota of what you deserve in a woman. sure, i'm pretty, sweet, smart (tooting horn alert) but the things i've gone through, the bad things i've done (no matter how evil you think you are, you can never be more evil than me), make me feel like i will never make it with you. no matter how hard i try. so i won't.

i am glad though, that you are my friend. that whenever i have questions, i can count on you to provide me with a sensible answer and when you can't, you will either point me at the right direction or at least give me a good laugh because you are not infallible too. i will miss you.

this grief overwhelms me, it burns in my stomach
and i can't stop bumping into things

I thought we'd be simple together
I thought we'd be happy together
Thought we'd be limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
But i was sadly mistaken

You've been my soulmate and mentor
I remembered you the moment i met you
Alanis Morissette, Simple Together

but then, why would you want to be with me? or, why the hell not?

Saturday, June 07, 2008

talking out loud before the words disappear into oblivion

it's 4pm and i have been awake just about the same time yesterday but i've been having these words come out of my head like crazy so i thought i'd write them down even if i've had a few beers and lack much needed sleep. it is so weird because you were in my head all this time i had these words, like i would say them to you, had i the opportunity to do so. i can text them to you, but i didn't want to hound you like some goddamn big time criminal.

so many people have been nice to me for various reasons other than the fact that they should be out of the goodness of their heart. i'm sick of sycophants and charlatans. i've had this issue ever since because it is hard to be what you are when there are so many people telling you what you should be and the last thing i need is people being nice to be just because i'm the fucking executive assistant to the senior vice president for operations (it is a mouthful, yes). i need people to be nice to me just because they are. because i am. well, sometimes.


that time i had with you, i felt free, i felt i had the opportunity to be me, without pretensions, without having to think that people were thinking of somebody else, somebody i represented other than myself. you didn't judge me for all the crap i live and stand for and am about, and even if you were, i never felt like you did. thank you.

i don't even know why i think somewhere somehow i may have this connection with you, although it may just be some unilateral delusion i thought up in my head or something i just had to do because i may not retire because i'd be beating up myself just thinking about it. blame on that fucking movie Dead Poets Society because one way or the other, in our life, we just have to frigging "carpe diem" even though later in life we would be wondering "what the hell was i thinking?!" frankly, i would rather kick myself in the butt for doing all these stupid things i have been doing than wonder why i never did, or what stopped me from doing so. i may just be thinking so highly of you, when you don't deserve it, and so many people have disappointed me in the past but i'd rather not bother because sometimes all people need is just one person to believe in them and they will eventually do something great. ideally, all individuals have that potential. it is just a matter of them making use of that potential. people are abundant with potential energy.

i may be wrong about you. you can be as great as i think you are or you're not, which means, no matter how highly i think about you, you will just be an ass like everybody else is. but i'll never know unless i ask again now, will i?

so i am asking for another opportunity with you, something you are not obliged to say yes to, but something i would really appreciate if you did. i just needed to make sure you didn't feel there was a gun pointed to your head and that you had to, out of artificial respect. i also need to make sure nobody minded because i have had so many issues in the past of people accusing me of things i didn't do when i had better things to do than steal somebody's possession (seriously now, people are not objects - - you should get what i mean, man, you are smart. you just haven't figured it out yet). besides, i'm too busy to actually exert effort seducing someone. i am old enough to understand what is not and what is, so feel free to say no if you don't want to. i'd be the last person to ask you to conform because i don't want to either. just spit it out and i'd be more than happy to take crap from you. i have said more than once that i am a rejection junkie. and a doormat. don't feel like you have to, do because you want to. i can take no for an answer. i am a big girl. not in height, or weight, but you get the picture. i just want to talk. talk like there's no tomorrow. not exactly quantum physics. i never liked physics. or math. but i can talk. that's a start, right?


i probably won't remember these things the moment i get my ride home and fall asleep and wake up. maybe i would because i don't believe in accidents, just random occurrences. shit, i used a phrase that i didn't know the meaning to. how quaint and insignificantly profound. but i would remember asking you out again.

so will you?


i don't know how to end this. i should be asleep by now. as you. just wanted to make sure i let them out before they all disappear. sometimes, carpe diem sucks. 5.06pm

Thursday, June 05, 2008

measles

i have always been a sickly kid. you name it, i was hospitalized for it. ever since i can remember, i have been swamped with stories of how as a little baby, they didn't think i'd make it (see? even as an infant, they set me up for failure) given how weak my body was, being in and out of the hospital all the time.

if they knew then how incorrigible i was or going to be when i grew up (which technically never happened considering i'm an inch and a quarter short of five feet), they probably would've killed me themselves. but they gave me a chance to grow up and learn about the world and sadly, there are times, when i wish, i didn't have to. i mean, look at how screwed up the world is. had i died then, i wouldn't have these issues i have now. unfortunately, not only don't you get to choose your parents, you don't really decide whether you should live or die. i haven't been seriously sick that doctors would opt for euthanasia.

you don't need to lie. you don't answer to me. i could take no for an answer. i'm a big girl, i can handle it. you just had to say so, but you opted for the easy way out. sleazy, but then, given your supposed track record, i expected much from you. i forgot all this time that you are human too, capable of mistakes. capable of lies.

People lie.
-Gregory House

i prefer the truth though. hurts, but much better than seeing you walk out with her.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

this is me, get used to it

i am not ashamed of myself. although with this job you have to be careful sometimes, especially in my case when there are just times when i can't help being myself. but i try to be cautious considering you're not just representing you but the higher being who hired you. sometimes it sucks because you'll never know if people genuinely like you or if they're just there and they're just nice, well, because, anak ka ng Diyos. and while we're all children of God or That Higher Being whom we all believe in, i am mostly just referring to my boss, who is the boss of everybody here in this building who works in this company.

i am so sick of trying to figure out who my friends are and who are just there for the ride. it is very tiring because i have been having that problem even before i got this job. but i love the people i am currently working with. i would like to think they love me too. even when they shut me off sometimes.

i have always been loud. i have always been a whiner. i am a bitch. i will not censor myself for anything or anyone but i will try to keep my potty mouth shut when i'm talking to my boss because he is quite conservative. i will occasionally talk about my former lesbian relationships, i will harass men and women alike; i scare them off with my strong personality. i have managed to stick my foot in my mouth but i try to think before i speak because people will judge you anyway regardless. they will most especially judge you when you make more sense than they do. and they will keep doing that because it is better to see other people's mistakes than it is to see their own. i do that too. but i will never deny what i am or what i have gone through. this may be a cliche but it's what makes you special. it is what makes you supposedly the strong better person you are today.

having said all that, this is me. i will never try to change for anyone, or anything. this is why he hired me, because i have tried my best to stay true to myself from the moment i stepped into the boardroom for my interview up to the time that we are having these Jedi lightsaber duels. i still keep feeling bad and i can't help but think that all of these people are just here because he hired me to work for him and by the time i leave him, or he ditches me, they will all be gone. because they were only there for the ride.

i suddenly remember him. i was totally myself with him. i didn't judge him and he didn't judge me and even if he probably did, he didn't make me feel like he was. unlike when i was with you, and to think i was only with him that one time. i'm not just saying these things because i like him and i would be happy at the idea that he likes me enough to be himself. but what i do know is that you were supposed to be my friends, and you made me feel bad about myself.

that is the loneliest place to be.

i won't ever try to change for you. i've said it here sooo many times. i've always been this way. i can improve but these nasty little things about me that you hate and judge are the things that make me likable so they won't go away.

just like i won't.

"i'm not going to answer that question"

it's answerable by yes or no but i wasn't born yesterday. i am inquisitive but i think they gave me this job because i can read between the lines. people have a way of giving me information i don't need even before i got this job.

infer.

so no, you don't have to answer the question.

you just did.

Friday, May 23, 2008

whenever i'm alone with you, you make me feel like i am free again

i really needed someone to talk to. i mean, it wasn't just an excuse to ask you out. i have asked other people out before and i do have someone else just in case i need to whine, vent or just have a drink. i just thought i'd ask you. why? because you're different. currently i am in a state where i don't know who to talk to because i'm not sure they will understand and the few people i can talk to are not available at the moment. i just needed someone who was as angry as i was and who was open to listening or talking and drinking and smoking at the same time. i just didn't want to talk to the usual people. because sometimes, i do need a new perspective on things and i need to hear them from new people. i don't want to be judged.

and you did not judge me. i could totally be myself with you, except maybe i didn't touch you enough. by now, you have been warned. you cannot later on complain if you are not into that whole touchy-feely thing like JL is. and i will touch you. that didn't sound so wholesome as i thought and meant it to sound. anyway, i could openly talk to you and not have to worry that my language is vulgar. you might even actually think i'm funny, and you don't even look like you have a sense of humor. you are as angry as i am. you trusted me enough to open up yourself and tell me things i wouldn't even expect you to, but you did and i'm grateful that you did. you don't have an air about you. you're fucked up, you work hard, you're good and you know it. you kind of remind me of me only i don't have a penis, i don't have six-pack abs, a lip piercing, a daughter and i won't try drugs.

i enjoyed it immensely, even if we didn't make out, or i didn't get to touch you the way i think two buckets of beer that we shared between ourselves would encourage me to. i didn't have to try to be funny, or angry or depressed just so we could supposedly have something in common. i didn't have to censor myself verbally. the best part was we didn't have to say things to each other that the other thought the other needed to hear. and you said we didn't have any idle time! i thought that was cool. i loved that about you. half the time i was worried that you were just being polite or that you just needed to get it over with so i wouldn't have to ask you again. i do hope though, that you weren't lying to me when you said that if i needed to whine or vent and i needed someone to hear me out and you had the time, that you would go with me again.

"maybe i needed the beer too . . ."

at least now i don't really have to overthink the whole idea of asking you out, because we already went out. or what to say to you next because we would never run out of things to talk about, i think. i wish. i do hope this would be the start of a great friendship.

yes, i meant that. even if eventually it might hurt because by then i'd keep thinking of what could've been if we were more than friends or if i try to tell you and think about how you'd react since you didn't react offensively when i first asked. but then i feel that way about all the men in my life. not just because she (M) ruined me for everyone else or because i have this fixation to the movie Some Kind Of Wonderful. i just know that just like every man in my life, who has become my friend, that i do fall for, and love forever (and probably even take a bullet for, if i may quote you), i will eventually get over you and start pining for someone else. unless . . .

i have an unless clause . . . always.

i will try to protect you as far as my so-called powers can protect you. i will try to be the best friend that you'd eventually want to take a bullet for. i will value this friendship the same way i had valued all the wonderful people in my life.

i will try not to fall for you. again, the operative word is "try".

Saturday, May 17, 2008

i can't believe i'm losing my touch

now i realize why i have more, "why the hell did i do that? what the hell was i thinking?" moments than i have "i should've done this" moments. it's what i live by and strangely, i'm frustrated with myself right now because i'm having that i-should've-done-this moment right now.

bels, whatever happened to carpe diem?

so TL and JL are total opposites. one is perfectly cerebral and one i have yet to find out. i can't ask JL out. i mean, i can but i can only call it a date in my mind. otherwise, it's off. besides, we've already settled that we won't even try now because it will be a total waste of time.

with this other guy, i could've found out only i was too shy to actually ask him upfront like i normally do. i can't believe myself either. not like me to be shy. like the time i asked ralph out, i wasn't shy. it took some long thinking and smoking before i could actually go up to him and ask, but i asked PERSONALLY. i don't know what makes this guy different when my feelings are the same, which tells me that this will also end in disaster.

"coffee or been(sic) wld be great..."

so why the hell am i here typing in this frigging PC and not with him???

it's not even about the waif that's been hovering around him whom i've heard is really close to him (you should see the guys i'm close to, or what my closer friends and i do) that's stopped me. although for a moment, it crossed my mind not to ask him because i don't really want to ruin any relationships. i'm sorry, i've said it here so many times, torpe ako, marunong din ako mahiya. it may not always show, but i do get nervous trying to do something.

Nathan will be so disappointed. the man's been pushing me to get a life. and i'm doing a lousy job of doing that job. i mean, i know i shouldn't be distracted since i need to study. but it will kill me when i leave knowing i wish i had done so. or when he does.

this guy is patterned to Red in a way but not really considering it's pretty unfair to compare and because i fear red might actually pale in comparison. they're similar in some ways and yet they're different from each other. for one, TL writes better. no, let me rephrase that: TL reads a lot more enough to plagiarize. whatever.

i am giving myself the opportunity to try and do something. otherwise, i will keep on being frustrated. he already said yes, it's just a matter of when. if it doesn't happen, let it be his fault, his loss and not my desistance. or i've totally lost it.

Friday, May 16, 2008

for TL

I want to have you look at me
Like no one has ever looked at me before
Like I am the only person in the world worth looking at
I want to be able to look you in the eyes and only see me there
But you see right through me
Like I wasn't there
Or that I didn't exist

I want to hold you
The way I long to hold the sun
Or wish to keep holding water at the palm of my hands
To feel you next to me
Have you there all the time
(Like some reliable brand of soap in one of those tv commercials)
But you touch me like it was just some common thing
It seems so natural to you
And all the world to me

I long for you to speak to me
Even the words that make no sense
Will make all the sense in the world
If you would just talk to me

I feel for you so much
The feeling is so painful than I can ever fathom
More painful than any song can ever describe
Or any movie can ever put to life
More than any poem written can ever express

I wish to say these words to your face
I repeat them over and over in my head
And yet I'm left with nothing
Simply nothing but tears
And the pain inside my chest

05-16-2008
Thursday
6:12am

i heart David Cook



he made it to the finals! it's a David-David face-off on the AI7 finals next week.

i have seen many rockers grace the American Idol stage but not one of them are as original as David Cook. i swear, even the guys here in the office are singing his version of Mariah Carey's Always be my Baby. and why wouldn't they? the song just got better. if anybody sang that to me, i wouldn't even think about breaking up.

the thing about David Cook is that he doesn't try to be anyone but himself and he has ways of making an old song brand new by putting his own stamp on the song. his ingenuity is a talent not too many artists in the business have and it is what will make him successful. he may not be the next American Idol, as only the votes will tell next week but he is The Idol to me.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

JL

"i'm gonna knock on your door, ring on you Bels . . "

"so ring my bell, why don't you?"


stays silent for a while then states concern.

i'm still waiting, sweetie. and i miss the song. i swear to God, i have the weirdest taste in men. i am gonna post TL's abs here one of these days so it doesn't look like i have no taste at all or that my vision is really impaired or that i have lowered my standards.

if i can't have you, JL, i might as well bastardize you. because the moment you find you actually like me, i'm already pining for someone else. so i'm making every bit as sure i'm infiltrating your subconscious.

take note: i said infiltrate, not merely penetrate. because it requires the use of tactics. you're smarter than me, i know that. but i can give you a hard time. i will terrorize you to bits.

one of the things that really got me excited about this job aside from the fact that i'll be working with one of the best bosses of the planet is that i actually get to work with him.

a lot of women admire him for his intelligence, humor, sarcasm. i liked him because of his looks. i've been checking him out in the lung center even when i was still an agent. that he's intelligent, funny and sarcastic is a bonus. imagine how elated i was when i walked into the boardroom for my first staff meeting and Nathan introduced me to his people. there he was! the guy with the thinning hair out in the lung center. he reminds me of Francis Reyes, my guitar god. now, whenever i see Kiko, he reminds me of JL.

the man is either gay or has really high standards (ang kapal pa talaga na magtaas ng standards, di ba?) that's why he's single. i mean, i don't have a problem with gayness (is there such a word?) because as he said so himself, "everyone's a little gay anyway".

i will get sick of running after him eventually. so he doesn't think of his friends "that way" and he doesn't date people he works with. makes me adore him more.

we are always attracted to things we know we cannot have, everything and everyone we are not.
a lot of women admire him. i am not the first, i won't be the last. but i'll make sure i'm the only one he'll remember.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

renton rants

i have been searching for this for a long time. i didn't see the movie, i didn't read the book, never heard the soundtrack. but i love it. i love the way Ewan McGregor played his part. they normally play this part before the song, i just can't remember it. he was so thin.

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family, Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.

But who would I want to do a thing like that?


Photobucket

i'm glad i never became a junkie. it's one of those things i'm glad i never tried. i drink occasionally, i smoke, i fool around. i'm glad i'm not that sad. i may whine a lot, i may vent like there's no tomorrow, i cut my wrists every so now and then, but i'm contented enough not to try the shit.

i probably shouldn't be saying these things. i never saw the movie, never read the book or heard the soundtrack. no basis for saying this except for my direct interaction with people who've tried the shit and wasted away.

i'm glad that i haven't wasted away. not yet.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

we're just quiet right now but we're still here

eric recently posted this video of troma in youtube.com which means that we're just laying low but we're not really off the radar.

i'm actually just waiting for this local station to air the episode where troma was featured. we're still in circulation, we're still here, the boys still rehearse, we're just in a brief hiatus. the band needs to save money so we can record again. and then there's the part where it's hard to sked any gigs because we all work at night. really. so now i'm just pimping cds, getting their music to as many people as possible until we can do gigs again.

i really love these boys, they've become like family to me. dysfunctional, but it is family. and we're a growing family (hint, hint), as many people start to appreciate their music. i wish i could say more. i still believe that this is the year for us. once the band gets out of hibernation, we will create havoc in the scene again. and it will be a blast.


Wednesday, April 30, 2008

i don't have all the fucking answers

a lot of people are complaining about their pay. and the fucking medical insurance. and the guards. and everything.

while my boss is the senior vice president for operations and i'm his assistant (i resent the term secretary), and i may have access to some information, get this: I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. even if he feels for all of you, and so do i, i can't solve your problems. he can't solve your problems. he wishes he can do something about it but he also reports to a higher power. ergo: he gets shit from his boss too.

do people wake you in your sleep? are you always on call? do people ask you about shit and they expect you to know all the answers?

NO.

so why the fuck are you complaining? you're not doing a lot of shit and still get paid as a frigging agent. akala niyo ba me papel to? wala! puro kayo reklamo. masaya kayo kasi yan lang ang trabaho niyo. punyeta. mababa rin kaya sahod ko. hello?! binubugbog ba kayo ng tatay niyo? me stalker ba kayo? me mystery texter ba kayo na minumura kayo parati? wala.

don't talk to me about anger. anger is my fucking middle name.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

ranting whining venting mad

i feel the need to rant. i'm having palpitations as we speak, not because i am worry-free, but because i am stressed out to the point of numbness.

true, when you struggle or strive for something better than what you have now, you feel a sense of achievement. at least you have something to live for. my head is aching, my hands shaking and it ain't like that rick astley song just because he/she's dancing with someone else. it's because there is no he/she. there are worse scenarios, i know. i just keep on getting stomped by this one.

there's the band, there's work, there's reviewing for the fucking bar exams when everybody knows they disappear anyway after they become topnotchers, there's the balding dad, there's the evil queen when the boss is not looking. so many things to preoccupy me and yet, when that frigging ass passes by, my IQ is reduced to a negative value.

but that's not the main reason i'm so fucked up. no, i'm not complaining just because of the absence of a love life. it's always been this way for too long, like a long frigging exam that has no beginning and no ending.

i went over to the office chapel. i figured if i needed some clarity, that was the place to find it, that was the place that could offer a semblance of relief. it's not easy talking to a statue of a man who was crucified and not have him answer back. wait, that was just ranting. if the statue did talk back, i would have been so scared out of my wits. but i am depressed to the point where i can say that no amount of medication can cure it and if i were to have therapy, it would take me ages before i figure out the cause and how i'd snap out of it. there are certain issues that can never be resolved despite the presence of self-help books and support groups. no light at the end of the tunnel. no flint, no rubbing of stones against each other to create fire to have some light.

i feel like this neverending anger, this sadness, will never go away. love life or otherwise, i need something to make me feel like this is all worthwhile.

is this a test? when does it end? it appears more gruelling than the 8-hour exam i have taken (and will be taking) all those four sundays of september.

is it punishment? i have my faith and if textbook theology serves me right, The One God that the most of us believe in is a merciful and forgiving God. surely, i have done enough penance.

there must be an explanation to all this. i need to get it. i need to understand why this is happening. why am i so sad? why am i still so constantly angry? i have to figure it out somehow, otherwise, i will always be sad, angry.