Wednesday, October 24, 2007

do i really need all these? do you?

i'm currently addicted to this Facebook thing and while unlike some people, i don't really like to conform to the society, i'm into it because it's "supposedly more fun and interesting" than all the other network crap in the internet. i'm just into it, because it's new. everything that's new is always supposed to be more interesting.

i mean, not all of my friends in my Friendster, Multiply, Myspace, etc. are really my friends. some of them just happen to know me somewhere. at least, in this one, i really know these people and you could really say that we've shared something special or meaningful in my mundane existence. i will really monitor and make sure that all my so-called friends here are really my friends or at least, people who know my full name.

these things, come to think of it, they're not really important. it gives us an excuse to connect and to make it look like we're connected with the right people. it's like high school all over again.

it only goes to show that too many people have too much time on their hands that they could've made better use of doing other things. they just chose to update their profiles. do we actually really need all of this? i don't think so.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

that went well

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so we went to mag:net cafe at the Fort Strip for the first leg of NU107's In The Raw In The Flesh where Sutil, Kastigo and Project Mayhem were the featured amateur bands and the main band was, get this: Pupil. despite the Glorietta bombing, the show must go on and we had to fulfill our obligations. i'm still technically there, beside Ely Buendia, or Wendell Garcia, or Dok Sergio or Yan Yuzon or yeah, Russ Davis, so you have to excuse me if there are slight errors in grammar.

i'm not really officially the pimp or manager for Sutil but since i was the one who introduced RJ (Sutil vocalist) to Francis Reyes, it kinda stuck. i went there because: 1) i needed to sign a performance agreement; 2) i needed to know how it would go for Traumaligno, when their turn came at Saguijo; 3) Pupil is like so galeng, i wanted to see them play; 4) i crush Russ Davis; 5) come on, i needed a break.

the bands were fairly okay. i was looking forward to watching Pupil because i have not seen them perform live but i have been a follower of their music. hell, i don't get to watch anybody live on a night performance because i'm so busy working so i had to go. now, i still don't know by heart any of the songs in the new album Wildlife, except for Sala, which was #1 at NU107. but everything was so perfect musically (plus the fact that Russ Davis was singing along to the songs behind me), i thought i was having a BTS moment.

after Pupil performed, i had to get their autographs and at have a picture taken, with Ely at least, since i have been listening to him since i was in high school. and he was very nice and polite and down-to-earth. you have to love the guy. this is one of the most prolific songwriters here in the Philippines, you have to forgive me if i can find my IQ.

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so that's that.

after the show i dragged Ronald, the Distant Shores/Sutil bassist to go with me at Saguijo for Ace's gig. i haven't seen Ace ever since Bagetsafonik became MTV's Rising Star of the Month so it was nice to see him and hang out a bit. i also found out that my companion Ronald, was one of 25 bassists included in this music workshop in Baguio where Francis was one of the mentors.

and then that was it.


i went to the office to sleep. then i saw my ex-boyfriend again.

i'm pissed off because despite my best efforts to amuse myself, i can still see his face in my head without even trying, because even when i try to chase after somebody when i know it's futile, it's still him i remember. i hate the fact that nothing really much came from that relationship, i never really gained anything except a few more pounds, but i still think about him, even when i don't want to anymore. and to think i have been chasing a hell lot of other people, men and women alike just so i wouldn't have to think about him.

why does he have to work here, in my building, using my elevators, during my shift, smoking in my lung center?

so much for moving on.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

just like losing a friend

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i've been listening to Orange and Lemons ever since they started. when i first heard their song on NU107, She's Leaving Home, i didn't think they were BulakeƱos. they sounded so Brit, you felt like Morissey came back with a vengeance. i probably could come up with a better analogy than that but i'm too sad right now.

i even watched their gigs at Gweilo's in Palanca but i never really got to see them and know them personally until the Tequila Sunrise gigs. those morning gigs were so intimate that you'd think we've known each other for so long. we'd kid around and i could practically request their whole set for the day. Mcoy and Clem were very accomodating, Ace and JM were sorta shy but they were always very nice.

of course it came as a shock to me that things weren't going well for O&L, especially the part where Clem wasn't getting along with everybody else, or at least, just as the papers and TV were saying. it didn't seem fair, i thought, like some crazed childish fan, for them to not be okay, since as artists, they had an obligation to their fans, just like parents to their children, to try to stick together no matter how shitty it was going in the relationship department. i felt sad like when the Eraserheads broke up, or when Rico left Rivermaya. you feel like you lost a friend whom you turn to when things got really crappy.

we listen to their songs to try to maybe feel better and while things don't turn out okay, you have the music to turn to, to listen to, relate to, to know you're not the only person in the planet with the same shitty sentiments.

but the music lives on, they leave a mark. when you hear them again, you feel better. you reminisce how things were at the time when you first heard the music and for a while, everything's okay again. even when the band is gone.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

food will soothe

magaling, magaling.

Kyla did not disappoint.

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i'm glad she did not disappoint. if only i recorded her version of Lupang Hinirang for posterity. it was brilliant!

when you're thinking of food, Italian food, and you want to be religious, or at least, ask for forgiveness after all that eating (when everyone else is starving), i can recommend a place where you can do both: Amici Di Don Bosco.

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they have pasta

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. . . pizza . . .

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and dessert, gelato!

and you know what, you can get it cheap too. well, not really cheap, but affordable.

after eating, you can stop by the church to thank God you were able to eat that much and then pray you have your own Keanu.

command the universe: believe in your own private Keanu

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over the weekend i got to see The Lake House starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. i try avoiding chick flicks if i can since it only reminds me of how pathetic and lonely i am. the story is beautiful and it makes you hopeful but then it only opens your eyes to the horrible truth that not everyone will end up with Keanu Reeves. not everyone has a pretty face like Sandra Bullock. not everyone will live happily ever after.

but then my friend boibitch and i agree, you have to command the universe. it's under Paolo Coehlo's book, if you really really want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it. let's not let this sad cold world win, command the universe! we will end up with our own private Keanu.

i wish.

i don't want to run after you anymore. it's tiring. i mean, i might even outrun you with all this chasing.

i mean, not your fault, but this is not the first time i've heard of that shit that you don't look for love, you don't run after love or you don't wait for it, you let it come to you.

i repeat, this is not the first time i've heard of that shit. it is what it is: SHIT.

i'm not like most girls. same rules don't apply.

Friday, October 05, 2007

cliche in a really bad B movie

yes, it is gone! the mark that i have become a cliche of a really bad B movie is gone and nobody can tell what i did last Tuesday (or who for that matter. what???) except maybe for you, but i bet you couldn't care less and it doesn't really matter anyway. i just hope that all my efforts are not in vain.

because he meant nothing to me. he also felt like nothing to me.

you probably have heard or read different versions of it in the news, the Pasig road rage shooting incident. i know of it because the son of the man who died is my previous boss. what a terrible way to die. what a terrible way to find out how your father died.

even if my Dad and i aren't in not-so-good terms, i wouldn't want anyone to kill him (or get to him first - i'm kidding). nobody deserves to die like that. nobody deserves to find out that way that they lost a loved one.

and the person responsible for it is out on bail. can you believe that???

i didn't want to have to talk to you anymore. awkward. oh well. but i did. i can't resist you.

but you know what i always say about people who ignore me? "lahat ng umaalipusta sa'kin, naiinlab sa'kin balang araw" (everyone who humiliates me, falls in love with me eventually)

you haven't really hurt me but, you should ask him. he enjoyed the massage.

i'm okay now, i'd like to think. that's why i can talk to you without bitterness. it's not my fault if you like to reminisce that time when i was still with you. i miss those moments, i value those moments but i can't dwell on them. they're gone, you're gone. i told you, i can be your friend, Russell. but i can also be your worst enemy. i have forgiven you. i just can't forget.

i can't forget.

look at what you did to me again: you have made me more cold and unfeeling.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

that kind of post again

i love you, or at least, i think i do. i love you with a longing that i cannot define nor express nor suppress. i love you that it hurts to be around you, yet i want so much to be with you. i am so intoxicated with you right now, that no matter how much you hurt me or disappoint me, i will never be mad at you, even if i want so much to.

i can't be your friend. for now. it's hurts to be around you. i don't know how long this feeling with last though. hopefully more fleeting than permanent.

i really like you. but i don't think i can ever face you. well, i could. i'm good with that, but i don't think you will look at me the same way, or with respect, if you ever did, to begin with. i like you so much but i know i can't have you so i'll settle for what you can give me. however, now that this shit happened between him and me, i don't think you'll ever give me that chance to get to know you better or at least look at me in a way that is not with loathing or disgust or, darn, i can't think of the term. oh, yeah, i don't think you can look at me without judging me. but then, that's like second guessing you or thinking that you are shallow when you are not.

look at this way: i've always given people the benefit of the doubt that they're actually smart when they're not, that they're nice when they're not. maybe i have been unfair because i've been judging you all this time to be somebody you're not. but then again, maybe you are as shallow as i think you are.

i know if you don't read this. do you even read? but i have to hand it to you. you have a weapon and you know how to use it. i think, right now, you're the person to beat, bi. to quote Vertical Horizon, "you're only the best i ever had" or probably will have. unless . . .

Nobody Does It Better
Carly Simon
OST-The Spy Who Loves Me

Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best

I wasn't looking but somehow you found me
I tried to hide from your love light
But like Heaven above me
The spy who loved me
Is keeping all my secrets safe tonight

And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good?

The way that you hold me
Whenever you hold me
There's some kind of magic inside you
That keeps me from running
But just keep it coming
How'd you learn to do the things you do?

And nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, baby, darlin', you're the best
Baby, you're the best
Darlin', you're the best
Baby, you're the best
Baby, you're the best
Baby, you're the best
Baby, you're the best

because sometimes, hype is not enough. you actually need something to be sharp or to actually deliver or perform to deserve the hype around it.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

another one of those i-don't-know-how-to-tag posts

i'm waiting for the time to pass. i have nothing to do, nowhere to go. i can't blame you, you're sick. i was just hoping you could've been a little more responsible, that's all. it's my name at stake here, not just yours. but we can say anything we want to say, it still wouldn't make any difference: you can't make it. and i lose all interest and enthusiasm completely.

and to quote you, my dearest one, " i don't wanna talk to you anymore, no more will i waste your time, don't want another thought of your smile"

to think i adore you. don't worry, hopefully my disgust is more fleeting than permanent. simply because you are the mental porn star i have been fantasizing about.

you remind me of him, you guys remind me of each other, really. i both am attracted to you. you both stir a curiosity in me that doesn't seem to wane, simply because i don't want to give in to the desire to actually pursue you in the manner that would probably illicit a favorable response. i like the way that i can talk to you, more comfortably now, and you the same. the way i talk to him. he and i always have fun talking over coffee. we tease each other occasionally, but it doesn't go way passed that because i don't want to. i am afraid to, not because of fear of failure, but that i might actually succeed in making him fall for me and i wouldn't know what the hell i'd do afterwards. he and i are so okay as friends that you'd wonder what would happen if you take it to the next level. at the same time, it will scare you, the idea, of being committed, or the idea that he and i could being together that it never leaves the drawing board.

there are some friendships that deserve to plateau. no next level, no what ifs, just here, now, period. i am afraid of rejection. who isn't? but i value my friendships more than my personal happiness. it's stupid but it works for me. i may not have friends who'll take me in if Dad kicks me out of the house, but i know they'll help me hide his body.

so we go to you. you never expected me to come into your life, didn't you? it happens. it's not like i want your life to be miserable. it's just that i thought it would be a good idea if our paths cross. this friendship may not last, or it may stand longer than most that i have had. i don't know yet. what i do know is, you amuse me and i'd like to think (the pessimist is being optimistic here) that i amuse you too. i love talking, i love listening, i love coffee. maybe i can learn something from you. he taught me that this new high tech equipment from this manufacturer can hold this many servers. you might be able to teach me a thing or two (last time i checked, you have, imagine that?) and you can probably learn something from me too.

i hope you do. i want to be able to make a mark in your life, the way i wish i mark everybody's. it's not something i wish to achieve before i die. i'm already dead. i just wish to be a happy corpse.