Monday, February 26, 2007

wish this was my happiness forever (even if forever has an expiry date)

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this is Happiness. i finally got the picture from my friend. gwapo 'no?

you should hear him sing, he sounds like Yael Yuzon of Sponge Cola. he plays guitar too. he has a Marc Abaya angle.

there are times when i wish he was my boyfriend, not the, uh, boyfriend, i have right now. well, Happiness can talk about so many things and i never run out of things to say. not to mention, the kid is pleasing to the naked eye. we talk about music and work, and movies and shows and bands, sex, love. anything. just like i can talk to Anything. there wasn't any dead air whenever i talk to Happiness. i even went as far as trying to be on every drinking session he was in. almost every drinking session.

you know how sometimes you wish you could be with this someone but they don't really want you back? or how you want this person so much but they turn out to be this big disappointment? or how you keep on pining for someone even if they don't deserve to be run after? how come the people i don't want run after me? how come there's so much misdirected feelings towards unnecessary people?

i have no idea how Happiness is related to that. really. although before, when he was still new, i kept thinking how happy i could've been if he wanted me as much as i wanted him or if i had somebody like him in my life. it would've been nice if he liked me back. i mean, if i liked somebody and he/she liked me back, then we'd be together, you don't waste time and if you find out you don't like each other, you know about it early and nobody has to get hurt. he kinda believes that principle, in a way. then we would've been this really smart, beautiful happy couple. it's just too bad he doesn't like me. and i don't like him that much anymore. like i always say, my fascination for people is fleeting and my admiration for him waned. he didn't really do anything (except let it get into his head a bit) bad to me, i just found someone else more interesting.

i'm kinda hoping i find someone more interesting than boyfriend, or at least, someone more worth my time, energy, money, and eventually, feelings. like actual feelings of love that you wouldn't give to your sibling or friend. you know, that love.

maybe i never will. oh look at the irony. i talk about Happiness but i end in a sad note anyway.

everybody feels this way sometimes

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over the weekend i got to see this new reality show featuring Lisa Loeb. the title of the show is Number One Single. it chronicles Lisa's search for the ultimate mate. yes, people, she is looking for a husband. now, for those of you who don't know Lisa Loeb, shame on you. she sang the song Stay from the Reality Bites OST, you know that super gasgas na song that we like to sing in videokes and they like to sing over at those acoustic bars.

it was hilarious because she went out on this blind date and the guy decided he wanted to show off and sing karaoke for Lisa. guess what he sang terribly in front of her? definitely no second date for you.

***
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i hate the station C/S. they still haven't started airing the second season of Bones. i keep on seeing the last episode where they finally found Bones's Mother's bones and that her dad id actually alive but it's too complicated if they actually find him. the suspense is killing me. i'm just going to get the bootleg copies.

***
i'm getting to be really tired. whenever i come to work, it feels like i'm the only one who's doing my job. no kidding. i'm not saying that i'm working with a bunch of nincompoops, i'm working with the best here. well, some of the best. some of the people just toot their horns but no actual substance can be derived from them. what i'm saying is that, it feels like i'm on a neverending queue of problems. definitely when it rains, it pours.

it's like this, you do get to a point where basically, what you are is, what you are and you can never do anything anymore to change anything about yourself, your life and you have no control whatsoever of what's around you. so shit happens. well, in my case, it shits all the time.

maybe i'll never stop being angry. maybe i'll never stop being sullen. maybe i'll never find happiness (not the person, but the actual feeling) and true love (eew!) and everything else that doesn't have anything to do with pain, sorrow, angst, guilt, fear.

maybe i'm not supposed to be happy.

***
i did watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and that's exactly what i'm doing. i'm being a possessive, nagging, clinging bitch with really weird tendencies. anything i can do to make HIM break up with ME. because he doesn't want me to break up with him even though we know it's not fucking going anywhere so maybe if i do reverse psychology, because he's an egotistical maniac, he'd break up with me. it's not going anywhere and i hate to waste more time, energy, effort, load, money, feelings (even if the feelings are that of depression, frustration, disgust and even lust, those are still feelings i don't want to waste). i don't want to be tied to him anymore.

can somebody please take a hint?

if it's not going to evolve to something special and meaningful, it must be terminated immediately. i hate baggages. have too much already.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

tired. dead tired.

i have this running joke with my friends. i say "running" because it always seems to pop up whenever we're smoking or drinking or having coffee and it never fails to make people laugh.

guy walks up to a girl (or it could be the other way around, the name is universal, or unisex, whatever) in a bar
guy: hi, excuse me, are you alone?
girl: no, i'm Alex.

imagine walking up to this really hot guy and having the disappointment of your life because, well, he's just a hot guy. which is why i still don't settle for, just that. i mean, i may have this, guy right now, (ugh, sponge cola version of nakapagtataka playing on the radio. and to think i really like Yael Yuzon. but his voice sounds like tin can tied to the back of a car in that song) but i don't think this will last. i don't see myself staying with him for long. i don't see the usual symptoms i have when i'm fond of somebody, man or woman. i don't feel passionate enough. i feel other things when i'm around him,yes, like disgust, lust, glee (he can be thoughtful and sweet, in all fairness), but not passion. i have no idea why.

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last night, i wanted to watch Ace's gig at Saguijo but we didn't push through with it. we ended up watching Music and Lyrics because he apparently likes it (can you believe that?) and i had to pretend to not see it yet. so Ace keeps calling and asking if we were still coming to watch the show or not and half of me wanted to ditch boyfriend right then and there. Ace is like best friend for 16 years and boyfriend is like, boyfriend for 38 days and i wanted to go. but we didn't. Ace will never let me hear the end of it.

the bad thing about it is that, he's not only bugging me because we didn't go. he's bugging me because i have a boyfriend.

***
i wanted to go to work but i was just so tired. i wanted to do so many things like watch gigs, movies, write, drink coffee and hang out and everything that didn't have anything to do with troubleshooting phones. i ended up sleeping but not really quite getting the sleep that i wanted.

***
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season 4 now showing on www.youtube.com

boyfriend is actually interested in The L Word, if only for the chicks that are making out. i'm still in the process of educating him that not all lesbians become lesbians just because they have this bad experience with men. you know how straight people are and how they think. i've been into girls (butches) long before i met the assholes in my life.

until now, i'm still waiting. i don't believe in signs but if i was, i am only waiting for one particular sign and that's it. he was joking earlier about how we were like this married couple and the thought made me cringe. i don't see myself marrying him. i don't see myself marrying period. it wasn't a proposal and i knew that and i suddenly remembered that all the marriage proposals i have received in my lifetime are from women. it can be a different man, it can be a woman. it can be anybody that God sent out for me. i know i already have somebody but i'm still waiting on somebody else. call me a bitch but i know it doesn't feel right.

i'm probably contradicting all the things i've said here before if i say the only reason i'm staying with him is because i think that if i stay with him long enough, he/she will come. i'd be a hypocrite if i say i don't enjoy him because i do. it's nice to have somebody to quarrel with. i like chaos. i'm an irate rep, remember? what good is being irate if you don't have anyone to be irate to? right now, i'm just tired. i'm tired of being lonely (not alone), tired of taking care of everybody but not being taken cared of back, tired of waiting. so you just make the most of what's there.

right now, he's there. so there.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

way back into love

a friend and i watched Music and Lyrics last saturday because we didn't have anywhere to go and we were in no mood to drink. we just wanted to laugh. Hugh Grant is so hot.

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i didn't expect Hugh Grant to do the vocals himself. the man is impressive. but then he got me when he shook his booty. of course, we all love Drew Barrymore. it's just like you match Britain's hot leading man and America's sweetheart for a romantic-comedy. it's so beautiful, i kinda wish i am really in love right now. the theme song is great. it makes me wish i was the one writing the lyrics with Hugh Grant.

Way Back Into Love
Hugh Grant and Haley Bennett

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
oh, oh, oh

someday i'll find somebody to sing that to. i don't have one right now. hopefully, boyfriend will find somebody to sing that song to, too. i don't think it's me. no kidding.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

a day of "Happiness" (a.k.a. breaking patterns of behaviour)

Valentine's Day at the office went okay. we had dim lights, pop up messages and hug and kiss passes. i was really surprised when our Operations Manager, Sir Lawie, put a hug pass on my PC. i didn't enjoy the hug too much since i had a call. so i returned the favor and gave him both hug and kiss passes.

yipee.

i have resolved that i have this new crush on the floor to keep my mind off "the boyfriend".

***
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this is Happiness*. i'm still waiting for my friend to send his picture and me together. Valentine's Day at the office was also prom night. so we went shopping at the mall, well, he did most of the buying, people were looking at us funny but i enjoyed every second of it. i just wished i still liked him the way i used to. i would've enjoyed it more.

i spent more time with him than i did with boyfriend.

***
i'm noticing something. normally, when i am obsessed with someone, i get overly enthusiastic about that person until i find somebody more interesting. i'd do crazy stuff. that's how i know that relationship with boyfriend is not serious. it's just a phase. been in this phase all the time since i lost M.

come on. there's Ralph, Ira, K, C, C2, there's Law/MBA student, there's other Law/MBA student, there's Pyke (where the hell is this guy? here's a prayer hoping that this man is both alilve and safe), Sven, Ryan, Happiness, Obed, Anything . . . the list goes on and on. i just move on to admiring the next interesting guy/gal. right now, i'm into boyfriend.

the weird part is, i'm not showing any symptoms, i just realized it. when i'm into someone, i'd be really into that person. i'd cry and obsess about that person as if i were really truly in love with that creature. then when i find somebody more interesting, i would disregard the previous one as if i never admired him/her to begin with. i would be so animated and so enthusiastic that you wouldn't predict what i'd do next.

i remember going out of my way to go to where K worked for 3 consecutive days just because i wanted so much to see her. going over to Malate late at night just to catch a glimpse of this guy whose name slips my mind at the moment. my Dad gave me hell for the next two weeks because of that. then there's going over to Bellevue Hotel in ALABANG, which is like a 2 1/2 hour drive from where i live just to see Sven and i was even burning with a fever at the time. then there's drinking almost everyday and not sleeping and going to work later on just to be with Happiness. i can go on forever with this list of things i did wrong (sablay) just to see/be with, my crush at that moment.

with boyfriend, who is like friend/crush with benefits (remember he likes me, i like him, we're together), i don't feel the urge to text him incessantly, go over to where he is when he asks me to. maybe his being a lying cheating horny bastard has a connection to it. i don't know. natitiis ko siya, promise. i can actually stand not being with him, i swear. i even forget what he looks like, remember?

like i said, i am manifesting certain symptoms that i have not heard of. maybe i should forward this to our Research Advisor (mwahahaha). maybe this is it. maybe this isn't. but i do know he's not the 20-word magic line guy.

he makes me happy. i think.

*Happiness photo inserted with permission

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

what heart? i don't remember having one

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my heart is beating like a drum,
like a drum, like a drum,
my heart is beating like a drum . . .

i have no idea why i typed that in.

***
one month? ugh, the thought is making me cringe and it doesn't feel any different anyway so, what else is new? nothing special happened the month before so nothing should change and this day, of every month, should not be glorified.

***
Best Of You

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love you'd die to heal
The hope that starts the broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

***

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earlier today, i had problems breathing and i had no idea why. could it be because i realized that i can never go back to where it used to be, as far as my outlook in love was concerned? because i had no money? because i couldn't get out of my relationship that i cannot define? because i wanted so much to go back to sleep but i had to go to work?

whatever it was, i still had to go to work and i am very thankful that i have my co-workers taking care of me and backing me up for calls. these gals are awesome.

***
Fake Plastic Trees

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans

To get rid of itself

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins

It wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing

My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

It wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out

If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted all the time
All the time...
All the time...

***
i met somebody yesterday through you and while i liked him, i kinda liked you better. i don't know why. we'll see.

***
i'll leave you. i know i will. i know that you'll get tired and i'll get tired and we'll just be friends.

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Tuesday, February 13, 2007

i never thought i'd have to say this: damnit, i miss fucking law!

yes, you read right. i miss studying the frigging law. i've been taking calls for the last two years and you do get tired earning night differential that you just want to compute it for other people.

the last time i intently read the civil code was when i answered this question for a colleague at work: if my kid bears my last name because his father and i aren't married, what's his middle name?

people?

i'm sorry, i am rusty. i don't deny that i haven't read anything. i don't know everything.

i'm just really tired.

oh, but i do know the answer to this question: if i was 19 and my girlfriend was 20, we got married at a civil court, i had parental consent but she didn't and we stayed together for 3 years until we finally separated. is the marriage valid?

i know what the answer is but i'm not going to go into details except that in our law, Philippine law, even if the parties agree to separate de facto, under the law, they are still married. the 3 years they stayed together, both of them being 21, kinda made the marriage valid. in law, the term they used is ratification. so it needs to be annulled. all children born under the marriage are considered legit and should carry daddy's last name.

***
saw him again. i never thought my underwear would drop but it did. made me interested in reading my law books again.

***
the last person i imagine watching the movie, The History Boys was not boyfriend. sharing lang.

***
yeah, i wish you were my boyfriend instead of him. sometimes. or, i could go back to liking girls. i have K for that. boyfriend is nice, sometimes. sometimes.

***
i don't believe this:
boyfriend and i are still together. we celebrate one month right smack Valentine's Day. eew.

***

M, you bitch. you remind me of the movie Autumn in New York, you know, the part where Richard Gere says to Wynona Rider, "you've ruined me for other women."

you ruined me, M. you ruined me for men and other women like you. i could never love someone the way i loved you and i don't think i ever will. i'm too scared shit. that's how i know that boyfriend right now isn't it yet.

Friday, February 09, 2007

should've gotten out when you had the chance

now before you think i'm being held hostage by my stalker or that i'm trying to preview some horror flick, i am talking about my current occupation. no, not being a call center agent/slave, i mean my being, uh, eew, in a, uh, in a relationship.

i know that like all my other crushes, this one will fade and i'm just waiting for my interest to wane and find somebody else more amusing before i finally call it quits. but i should've just gotten out when i found about him being a lying cheating bastard. now that i'm getting to know him, i'm appreciating his nicer qualities. and i hate it. i'm not falling in love. just appreciating his nicer qualities.

he messes up again and we had this mega-text quarrel. i love it when we text each other. it's like, when he's texting me, i am the only person in the world that matters. it doesn't translate when we're together. he can be a lousy companion because he's texting somebody else and making that person feel like she's the only person in the world that matters.

don't you just hate it when that happens? i mean, both. it's like when you chat up with somebody over the phone or the internet, you feel awkward the moment you meet each other. i hate that. and i hate it that he'd rather text somebody than talk to me when we're together, or that he'd choose to be with other people than with me. love or no love in the relationship, that doesn't really say much about respect. or his character.

promises are made to be broken, that's why people make them a lot. they're easy to make, easy to break, but some people still believe in them even when the credibility of the person making it is, well, poor, weak.

i just can't help seeing the best in people. even when there isn't any.

***
"happiness" is cuter now, nicer now and actually, much easier to talk to now than before because, well, he's not as "pompous" as before. i don't find him amusing again just because "anything" is no longer on the floor. i just don't feel awkward anymore. i feel more comfortable talking to happiness now because, well, i don't like him anymore. maybe i should start stopping to like boyfriend so i don't feel all clumsy and stupid and accident prone when i'm with him.

***
i'm not mad at you. really. but you make me feel stupid for my decision and i don't like the way you put it into words like you're smarter. if you don't give a rat's ass, how come you ask about him all the time, but you just call him names to make it appear like you don't really like him. but you do. and you still text him, and he texts you. both of you are liars.

i wouldn't leave a friend just for a guy. i wouldn't lose a friend for a penis. damnit, it's just a frigging penis. i would respect my ties with my people.

but if my people are lying to me, they might as well drop dead with the broken penis/vagina/whatever. i don't have to deal with it. i'm not the one who'll have trouble sleeping well at night. magsama kayo. i don't need friends like that.

***
K is single again! bwahahaha!!! boyfriend isn't honest as i think he is anyway. maybe i'll engage in extra-curricular activities too. hmmn . . . =)

sino'ng tiwalag? (who's the fall out?)

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

kelangan talaga pag Valentines, chick flick?*

there are two movies i look forward to seeing, if and when i go out to watch a movie. it just so happens that they're both chick flicks or romantic comedies, whatever you wish to call them. i'm a closet hopeless romantic, sue me.

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there's The Holiday, with stars Jude Law (hyperventilate!!!), Kate Winslet (she's supposed to be Jude's sister in the film), Cameron Diaz and Jack Black. it was supposed to be a Christmas movie (hello, the title!) but since it's a romance, the film distributors decided to delay its showing to make it to Valentine's day.

so Jude and Kate are brother and sister (i'm basing this from the trailer i saw) and Cameron and Kate switch houses for the holidays. something like that. and then they meet Jude and Jack. and they fall in love. i mean, Kate with Jack and Jude with Cameron. you should see the scene where Kate is talking to both Jude and Cameron over the phone and her phone's flash button won't work. it's hilarious.

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and then, there's the Hugh Grant-Drew Barrymore flick, music and lyrics. Hugh Grant is supposed to be this vocalist of an 80's pop band (who broke up in the 90's, as he reiterates in the film) and he is given a second chance at getting a career via reality show and by composing a song/duet for this Britney-like pop star. Drew helps him in composing a song because, he's never written a song in his life. or, something like that. they fall in love, they compose a song, you have a movie.

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i'm sorry. this has nothing to do with boyfriend. i just happen to like happy endings. they're much better watched because it never happens in real life.

*does it have to be a chick flick because it's Valentines? 

Monday, February 05, 2007

pag Valentines, kailangan talaga love song? (when it's Valentines, does it really need to be a love song?)

Love Team, Itchyworms!

di naman talaga tayo magsinta
pero gusto nila
kahit ayaw mo bagay daw tayo
di naman totoo mga yakap mo
pang-eksena lamang ito
di mo lang alam
na nababaliw na’ko sa iyo
di ko na yata kaya to
ang aking lihim na pakay
ay ang lahat ng ito’y gawing tunay

Sana wag mong sisihin
kung di ko kayang pigilin
sabi mo na mahal mo ‘ko
ngunit di naman seryoso
sana magkasingkulay
ang drama at tunay na buhay ko
ang tanging pag-asa ko
ay nasa tambalang ito

Sinungaling ka
kapag may tao ay nilalambing mo ko
pero pag wala ay sumasama ng turing mo sa ‘kin
ay parang haning bitin na bitin
di nila alam na sa dulo ng tagpo
di na patok ang linya ko
nag-iiba ang iyong asta
hanggang sa susunod na eksena

Sana wag mong sisihin
kung di ko kayang pigilin
sabi mo na mahal mo ‘ko
ngunit di naman seryoso
sana magkasingkulay
ang drama at tunay na buhay ko
ang tanging pag-asa ko
ay nasa tambalang ito

Sana wag mong sisihin
kung di ko kayang pigilin
sabi mo na mahal mo ‘ko
ngunit di naman seryoso
sana magkasingkulay
ang drama at tunay na buhay ko
ang tanging pag-asa ko
ay nasa tambalang ito

***

Sundo, Imago

Kay tagal kong sinusuyot ang buong mundo

Para hanapin, para hanapin ka
Nilibot ang distrito ng iyong lumbay
Pupulutin, pupulutin ka

Refrain:
Sinusundo kita, sinusundo

Chorus:
Asahan mo
Mula ngayon pag-ibig ko’y sa’yo

Sa akin mo isabit ang pangarap mo
Di kukulangin ang ibibigay
Limutin ang kaba tuluyan kang bumitaw
Kaya manalig, manalig ka

[repeat Refrain and Chorus]

(Inaasam ang sandali)

***

Kung Ayaw Mo Na Sa Akin, Sugarfree

Kung ayaw mo na sa akin
Di na kita pipilitin
Kung buo na ang loob mo
Bahala ka na sa buhay mo

At di ako desperado
Sa walang kapantay na pag-ibig mo
Sa mga halik mong walang kasing tamis
Tubig ako at ikaw ay langis

Kung hindi ka na babalik
Araw-araw na akong gigimik
Kung malayo ka na
Ay malaya na ako
Ngunit ang kahapon ko
Ay bihag pa rin ng alaala mo

Kung ayaw mo na sa akin
Di na kita hahabulin
Medyo bata pa naman ako
May mabibighani pa sa akin siguro

Kung ayaw mo na ako
Leche, lalong ayoko sa ‘yo
Alam mo naman kung saan ang bahay ko
Baka sakaling magbago ang isip mo please

Kung hindi ka na babalik
Araw-araw na akong gigimik
Kung malayo ka na
Ay malaya na ako
Ngunit ang kahapon ko
Ay bihag pa rin ng alaala mo

Lalalalalala
Lalalalalala
Ooh la
Ooh la
Lalalalalala
Lalalalalala

Kung hindi ka na babalik
Araw-araw na akong gigimik
Kung malayo ka na
Ay malaya na ako
Ngunit ang kahapon ko
Ay bihag pa rin ng alaala mo
Ng alaala mo



because there are other things worth talking about

for fear of becoming boring i decided i'm going to quit talking about the boyfriend for a while and show you guys some pictures of the people at work. the ones i enjoy seeing and being with. all these pictures were taken from the post-Christmas party we had. you know, that party before i met the, uh, boyfriend.

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case, anj, brian, me, paul

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ryan, maribel,jm, anj, jelly, raine

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marion, abby, jackie, me

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standing are jm, maebelle, monica, gennie and tricia, seated are me, anj, mayor glenn, paul, rj,katie and jaz

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and, this is the old (with some new)PSG batch. some of them have already left us for greener pastures, while some of us are still here. will post the new PSG babes 2007 pictures once they are available.

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***
normally, if there was a band, i'd be in it, no questions asked. when i first started working in this new company, i wanted so much to join the band. when you're so used to performing, you kinda miss it. when i say perform, i don't just mean singing in videoke bars. i mean, like really live performances and you get to see how the audience reacts to you playing, doing your thing. i mean, singing, okay, not anything else.

anyway, our official band representative for the the call center battle of the bands is JUAN. they've had some major overhauling but Jon, and Mike are still there. they will be rocking the stage February 25, Sunday, against bands from other call centers.

be one with JUAN.

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Saturday, February 03, 2007

it just says "in a relationship", it doesn't say what kind

i've always known that i'm not ordinary. i'm, well, different. i have very weird ways and my principles are pretty unconventional. so when i like, love, loathe a person, it is manifest in manners incomprehensible to most kibitzers.

for instance, when i like you and you like me back, we don't really have to go through that whole courtship stage. we skip it and go on to the "in a relationship" stage already. saves you and me time, effort, money, feelings, if things don't work out. we don't have to pretend to be somebody we're not. it saves time, period.

my real friends know how stubborn i am so they know i'll try to keep this as quiet as possible so they can't rub it in my face if it doesn't work. i'm not saying i don't want it to work. i just consider this relationship as doomed for failure so if things don't work out the i/we want them to, i won't be surprised. talk about optimism, huh?

i try to behave as much as possible out of respect for him. he does too, or at least, i'd like to think he does. i've mentioned here before that we (me and zhe boyfriend) both agreed to not change for the other person because things don't work that way. it shouldn't. have i ever changed for somebody because they asked me to?

it is better to be needed because you are loved than to be loved because you are needed. i got that from my friend Jackie. i think they got this from Milan, that cheezy Piolo-Claudine movie.

also, there are 3 aspects to a good relationship, according to my friend Cora, respect, trust, love. well, boyfriend and i don't love each other yet. i don't trust him anymore and he doesn't trust me because he knows i'm capable of doing shit behind his back. but i'd like to think there's respect. if you respect the other person, you can be brave enough to trust that person and love that person unconditionally.

"you say you understand
you'll never understand
i say i'll never wake up knowing how or why
i don't know what to believe in
YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM
you say i need appeasing when i start to cry
but never is a promise
and i'll never need a lie"
- - Fiona Apple, Never Is A Promise

hey you, if you're reading this, assuming that you have the time and that you actually care about me enough to read my shit: if i can do vile things in front of you, your imagination is free to roam as to the gravity of the things i can do behind your back. be afraid, be very afraid.

so i am in a relationship. the question is, what kind?

***
i felt sad when you left. like there was this void when i hugged you and you just walked away. i will miss you. i know i will. but it doesn't really matter to you because you don't care. i wish i couldn't care. i can't talk to him the way i talk to you. maybe that's why there's only respect.

***
it shouldn't bother me but it does a bit. maybe that's what's wrong with me. it's not my fault. God gave me a very retentive and prolific memory. worked wonders for me in law school (except there was overloading of information) and when i meet people in bars.

i have forgiven you for lying to me. i just can't forget.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

what boyfriend 4 (or Anne Heche, is that you?)

i wonder how many sequels i can come up with using this title. i don't want this shit to be boring.

i want to see if this person is capable of having a meaningful relationship with me. i want to know if i am still capable of having a meaningful relationship with someone.

after all, i will try anything once, except sex. =)

and i don't know what you want
and you don't know,
so what's the point of asking?

and you're almost happy,
almost content,
but your head hurts
-- Almost Happy, K's Choice


i've probably violated so many rules that i've put up for myself with this person ever since i've realized that i've supposedly matured and made sure that no one can hurt me and make a fool out of me. i have resolved that i will only give my heart after so and so chumenelyn churva. what the hell was the so and so again?

my lesbian friends are calling me a traitor. not yet. i'm still waiting for the 4th season of the L Word =)

no, i still don't think this will last. shit, if we reach one month, it'll be right smack on Valentines Day. the thought is making me cringe. but we're optimistic. despite obstacles.

no, i don't think he will be the one to say that line to me either.