Wednesday, January 31, 2007

what boyfriend 3

i'm still here. and i can't get out. normally, if this were some other person in this situation, i would have told them to fuck off because they not only deserved better, they don't have to be miserable and shit. it's so hard to follow your own advice.

i'm sorry, i am not in my proper mind right now.

he doesn't seem to want to let me go and even if i don't trust him, i'm giving him the idea that he thinks i trust him. or something. some part of me doesn't want to leave either. go figure. some people are telling me to ditch him already, but i can't. no, i won't. have i ever listened to what people tell me?

it's not serious and what scares me is the fact that it's already giving me too much of a headache. imagine what would happen if i'm already in love with this person. God, NO!!!

i'm just enjoying every second of it. while it's here. after all, to quote my ex-girlfriend, M, i'm like Ally McBeal, i do things that make my life miserable. i love people who make my life miserable. i'm a rejection junkie. i'm a doormat.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

what boyfriend 2

i'm giving him a chance. yeah, yeah, i'm an idiot. but then, he's staying with me, he doesn't want to let me go so who's the bigger idiot now, huh? it's weird because we openly talk about not being in love with each other, not yet anyway, but we're actually going to see this through and monitor its developments.

people are asking me why i even decided to stay, saying i don't deserve an asshole like that, that i deserve more, better. i know i do. it's just that i can see some odd potential in this man that is untouched, that he himself is not aware of. i'm just preparing him (nya nya nya) for whoever so that he'll be a better father (he has a 7-year old son), a greater lover and a more responsible citizen. he doesn't have to end up with me. God, no!

he's actually sweet and caring and thoughtful and minus the lying and cheating part, he's okay. hindi siya mahirap mahalin pero hindi siya madaling pagkatiwalaan (he's not difficult to learn to love, it's just difficult to trust him). you see, the problem with lying is that the moment you tell the truth, no one wants to believe you anymore. i'm not going to ask him to change for me and i'm not going to change for him. we'll just see if we're good for each other, and i meant that like medication, not like you know, romantically. eew.

boi bitch always said that i just need someone to tame me. i do, seriously. he is capable of, well, i'm not saying i concede to him all the time. i'm just saying he can persuade me. it's nice that he has a certain fear of losing me in his life and he still wants me to be his friend if this doesn't work out. i have a lot of friends who are a bunch of lying cheating horny bastards, so why can't we just be friends? (nya nya nya)

let's just put it this way, if he's going to lie to me, he's also lying to himself. hindi naman ako 'yung mahihirapan eh, siya. hindi ako ang magdadala nun, siya. i can sleep well at night. besides, two can play this game. if i can kiss a guy in front of him, i can kiss one behind his back. quits. he doesn't have to know. it's just that, i'm not that bad.

sharing lang: you remember Lyla and Wesley's relationship on Angel, the series? that's kinda like how we are, except we really like each other, i'd like to think. or something.

i don't know. let's see what happens. it's only been almost two weeks. shit. i'm losing my bet with myself.

Friday, January 19, 2007

what boyfriend?

in a relationship, honesty is very important. trust, too. you can never truly say you love someone unless there is trust and honesty. you wouldn't really sacrifice life and limb for somebody if you didn't know, or you didn't trust them to do the same for you, right?

even for those that last 4-5 days, trust and honesty are factors.

damnit, did you honestly think i wouldn't find out? did you honestly think you could get away with it? why do you think they call me "The Goddess"?

it's just too bad. you have no idea and you will never find out how bad, or how good or how great i can love, not just like, someone. ask M. damnit, even my female friends wish i were a guy so i could be their boyfriend.

you blew it.

***
you look good and i'm glad i get to talk to you. i'm glad we're friends even if you don't like me. oh, and you too.

***
Bad Day
Juliana Hatfield

I ask myself why did I run away?
I guess maybe I was having a bad day
I ask myself why did I run away?
I guess maybe I was having a bad day.

I screwed it up again.
I made another friend
A desperado
Named "trouble"

He showed his gun to me
He took my money
I think I understand
What makes a boy become
A bad man.

I ask myself why did I run away?
I guess maybe I was having a bad day
I ask myself why did I run away?
I guess maybe I was having a bad day.

To suffer greatly
From the indignity
Of working for a living
Why would I want to breed?

And the monotony
Driving me crazy
I shouldn't rock the boat
I think my head's about to explode.

I ask myself why did I run away?
I guess maybe I was having a bad day.
I ask myself why did I run away?
I guess maybe I was having a bad day.

I lost my head.
I made my bed all by myself
Now I don't sleep in it so well.

I'm taking off my dress
But you won't touch me now
This room is such a mess
I really don't know how
To be the perfect girl
But in a perfect world
I'd (you'd) give you (me) what you (I) need
And you'd (I'd) be giving me (you)
Another chance.

I ask myself why did I run away?
I guess maybe I was having a bad day.
I ask myself why did I run away?
I guess maybe I was having a bad day.

I lost my head.
I made my bed all by myself
Now I don't sleep in it so well.

***
***
hell, it was sweet while it lasted.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

why do i suddenly remember you when i heard this song?

i heard this in my head. you know how it is when you get this really bad LSS that you just have to get rid of it by thinking of a different song? this one played in my head because we used to play it before in law school. it sounded so sexy and yet so deep and mushy.

Cross My Heart
Everything But The Girl

Now and then
Do you wash your hands of me again?
Wish me anywhere but home
Drunk and on the end of your phone


From time to time
Do you guess what's really on my mind?
Guess that "How you keeping now?"
Means "Where are you sleeping now?"


But of course it's not polite
To ask you where you spent last night
And if I did you might reply
That I have no right
And anyway I'm fine
Glad that you're no longer mine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and hope to die


You'd be appalled
If you knew what I was doing
When you called
Yes, I can see I'm blundering
And I always end up wondering


Will it ever be all right
To ask you where you spent last night
And can it be polite
The way we never write
Of course I don't have the time,
And anyway I'm fine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and hope to die


Oh, I know it's not polite
To ask you where you spent last night
And if I did you might reply
That I have no right
And anyway I'm fine
Now you're no longer mine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and hope to die


I hope we never die

the question is, how come you were the first thing that popped into my head?

when i say you, i mean, the boyfriend.

i like you, i like you back

i'm starting to be fond of boyfriend. really. he's very nice. and sweet. and honest. he even looks for me if i don't text him my whereabouts. i thought i had my Dad for that. i hate to start missing boyfriend. i hate to start getting used to the idea of texting somebody again on a regular basis. it's a surprise that if i close my eyes and concentrate hard enough, i can actually recall his face. it's only been four days so it's too soon to tell if this will last. i'm giving it a month, maybe even less. two weeks tops.

i'm giving this a chance because it might actually work out. who knows? who cares? i mean, i've been single too long that i might actually miss it. commitment is a scary thing. when you commit yourself to liking only one person, that's kind of serious.

the good thing about this is that we made it clear not to lie to each other and see where this leads us. we agreed to still be friends if it doesn't work (yeah right). like i said, you can only pretend to be someone you're not for so long. we don't have to do that. luckily. i just don't want to fall. yet.

once u start appreciating and missing people for the right reasons, you allow yourself to fall in that bottomless pit of loneliness when they're not around. you start to lose your independence and you seek their presence for your happiness. i don't want to start feeling that way about boyfriend, i'm scared the moment i begin to, because the last time i felt that way about a person, i died.

a cat has nine lives. i only have one.

***
what do you know? i am starting to lose interest in you. who would've thought?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

is this the part where i edit my profile?

over the weekend, we had our post-Christmas party for our company account and i was really devastated at first since i kept on convincing crush to come over and next crush in the absence of original crush was just going to meet me/us after the party. and it turns out, he didn't like me that way. okay . . .

everybody could see that i wasn't enjoying the party and i was waiting for it to pick up for me but it never did and i tried to enjoy or pretend to enjoy but i wasn't successful.

then i meet this person who i just find, well, okay. he's sweet and nice and honest and caring and well, he likes me and i like him. although i would much rather be with my crush or the other guy (who kisses well, by the way) and have a relationship with them. this will do. don't get me wrong, i might actually end up loving this man. it's just too soon to tell and i'm just being cautious. we don't want to get hurt anymore, do we?

no kidding. when i got home, i kinda wished you were my boyfriend and not him. i thought of you when i was with him and i know it's not fair because he is a great guy although it's too soon to tell. i'm still thinking about you now, even if God knows you couldn't care less. you could just leave and not care about the people you'd be leaving behind. because that's how you are. i know because i would do that too.

i'm become too cold and unfeeling that i wouldn't care if people would get hurt by my absence; that they would feel bad if i was gone. so i don't really mind and i do understand why you wouldn't go out of your way to be with us because you're just protecting yourself from being hurt when you leave.

i wish i wouldn't get hurt when you leave but i don't think i can do that. like i said, i'm just waiting for you to leave or for my feelings to go away or for the next person to go ahead and divert those feelings away from you, whichever comes first.

i have a boyfriend now. but why can't i get you off my head?

Friday, January 12, 2007

with the hood he had character, just don't make him smile

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

well, actually, in this picture, he does look good when he smiles.

i watched Eragon two nights ago and i found it, uh, just okay. i haven't read the book yet and when i saw the writer of the books i thought he was the guy from the first season of Beauty and the Geek. he's just a kid. anyway, i thought the movie was just okay and not splendid since it didn't take my breath away the way i had hoped it to. so it was just, okay.

they got a bland new actor (yes, i typed in "bland" and not "brand") to take the lead role and a bunch of heavy actors like John Malkovich and Jeremy Irons (hyperventilate!!!) to support him and this really cute guy named Garrett Hedlund. he's hot. really. he and his bow and arrow, he kinda stole the scene from the very stubborn Eragon, Murtagh. i'm just happy i got to relax, even for a while.

***
i' d appreciate it if you'd come to work since you'll be leaving anyway. i'm just waiting for you to leave or for my feeling to go away, whichever comes first. but i do enjoy talking to you and holding your sweaty palms and smelling you and just being right next to you. you're not just eye candy; you actually stimulate me intellectually and i really like that you can do that to me. you keep on saying that the mind controls what the "heart" feels and i know that, hello? i just don't want to listen to what my brain is telling me right now. because it's telling me that i want you.

***
i have no idea what i feel about you. i really couldn't care less about what you feel about me because that might affect my judgment in terms of how i feel about you. i may just be liking the idea that i think you like me so i like you. that's not fair to you and i'd be lying to myself if i do that.

***
" . . . the yearning to be with you, i'll do what i have to do
i know i can't be with you, i'll do what i have to do
and i have the sense to recognize, that i don't know how to let you go
i don't know how to let you go . . ."

- - Do What You Have To Do, Sarah McLachlan

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

i still hate math

i've always been into engineers. or doctors. when i was young, i wanted to be a doctor. but then, everyone wants to be a doctor or a lawyer when you're a kid. nobody wants to be a teacher or a scientist or an astronaut anymore. TV has fed kids today information that they also dump trash into outer space so nobody wants to explore it anymore.

i didn't want to be a doctor because i hate math. i heard they had a lot of math when you become a doctor. then there's science. i have no problem with anatomy and biology, i found chemistry interesting. but i hated physics. physics was like math with more variables; you had to compute for the chumenelin churva (sowee) of things that are better left alone. it didn't help that my professor in physics was intimidating. i would always copy my math and physics assignments from link before. i had jade for drafting and the arts. you know, the kind that required you to draw. geometry and trig i could get. thank God we didn't have calculus in high school or i would have died.

it is no surprise that i have this thing for guys that can do math and physics. the problem is, and this is weird, but, majority of them have poor communication skills. what they have in terms of solving a problem, they lack in terms of verbalizing it. so if you can do math and physics, you go up a notch in my book. that's why i had this humongous crush on link. he was great in math, physics AND english. that's why i like engineers.

Math tells us of the three saddest love stories. Tangent lines who had one chance to meet and then parted forever. Parallel lines who were never meant to meet. Asymptotes who can get closer and closer but will never be together.

thank you for that, Paul.

and you wonder why i hate math.

so the two of you are both into engineering. i'm not sure if i should chase one or just let myself be run after by the other, like Wyle E. Coyote and the Road Runner. either way, i might fall and i hate to hear the loud thud.

gravity always wins - - Thom Yorke, Fake Plastic Trees

shit, physics.

Monday, January 08, 2007

walang title pero may label or magkaka-love life na ba ako ng 2007?

how the hell are you supposed to publish a new post if it's so fucking hard to log in to blogger.com? and please don't tell me it's still because i'm in asia and the connection's supposed to be bad.

***

i have no idea what i am to you and i don't want to expect anything because you are so damn unpredictable and you're fucking leaving and i'd want to detach myself while i can still save myself from falling for you. but i like your style. cunning.

***

i love the fact that i can run to you but not be in love with you. you give me hope that i can have another straight male best friend that i can turn to if i need a straight man's opinion.

***

i hate the fact that you look like you're just making passes but you're never ever going to make your move because you're too scared shit that i'd burn you. or so i think. and i thought that i'm supposed to be special because i'm the second person who got the right answer to your "questions".

***
naiinis na ko sa'yo. ayoko na ikaw makasama pero masyado kang bilib sa sarili mo para mahalata na naiinis kami, not just me, sa'yo.

***

is it just me, or for a supposedly straight guy, tsismoso ka?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

always believe the words of a long-haired woman in her 30s wearing eyeglasses with a UP degree

Twisted always said that the day you look fabulous, you will never see that person that makes your IQ drop below zero. and he'll never see YOU fabulous. the day you look like a troglodyte, that's when you see him. and he sees you. and you wish the world will open up and swallow you.

so i was really really excited to go to work yesterday: i wore my form-flattering pair of black denim, this really nice set of pink (yes, people, i wear PINK) underwear that would show in the white blouse that my father bought me. it's amazing how he gets the size right.

THEN HE'S ABSENT.

apparently he got stuck in some part of the archipelago where you don't really want to leave and go back to work.

fuck.

it's a good thing he went back to work today, wearing PINK. hmp. i was asking him if he brought anything/anyone for me, and he goes, "will you settle for me?" (YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!) and i just froze there. we talk for a bit (and of course you know i did not get to sleep before my shift and i type this) and he goes, "ang sarap mong kakwentuhan". OF COURSE, YOU IDIOT. pick me, choose me, LOVE MEEEEEEHHHHH!!!!!!

i hate this. hopefully he'll leave and this will blow over. that or i'll find someone new to pick on.

or something.

***
ex-Happiness got a new phone so he decided he'd show it off as well as the videos he took of himself (see? told you he was full of himself nyanyanya) playing guitar and singing after he just woke up. okay . . .

i wonder what the hell that was for.

like i still care.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

it's like any other weekend

happy new year, everyone!!!

i feel so tired and in a few hours from now i have to go to work again. it being christmas or the new year doesn't really change anything. it's just like any other weekend: boring, tiring, brief. no matter how you try to stretch it, you have to go back to work.

the only thing i look forward to upon getting to work is the fact that i will see you again. yes, after 3 days of being somewhere in the archipelago, you are finally coming back to work. and i missed you so much. keber kung birthday ni ex-Happiness today. all i'm interested in, aside from seeing my friends again and being away from Dad is seeing you again.

yes, you, just you.

until i get tired and move on to the next person worth paying attention to.

i hope i don't ever get tired of you. because i want us to be friends. forever.

damnit, that was so mushy.

***
this morning before i left for the market, i got to catch a glimpse of tru calling, and it just happened to be my favorite episode. well, there's also the episode where Tru finally realizes that Jason Priestley's character is actually Fate/Destiny/Death and they battle it out. then there's Tru going round saving one soul after another, like after she saves one another person dies and she has to go back and save that person. but this one, i like it, because, it made me cry. you know, for a brief moment, they knew each other, they fell for each other, but Nick just has to die.

i hope you don't have to die. or leave. i've come to love you as a friend, despite that short period that i've come to know you. so i hope you don't have to die.