Monday, June 26, 2006

in the red

i don’t like asking money from people. i don’t like borrowing. i don’t like owing people money. i would much rather lend than borrow. what’s weird is that i feel embarrassed to ask people who owe me money for payment. which shouldn’t be the case, right? but, more often than not, the people who owe you money, they’re the ones who are proud, who have a bad sense of priority, they’re the ones who give you hell when they should be nice to you, or at least, they should give you respect. but these people, more often than not, they're the ones who give you a hard time.

i’m writing this because i feel bad, not because i’m asking for payment or not because i want to embarrass the people who owe me money. Or maybe i am. i don’t want to offend the people who owe me money. they’re nice people, otherwise, i wouldn’t really trust them with the money in the first place. or are they, really? because if they were, i wouldn’t feel bad and write this to begin with. i'm writing this because right now, I DON'T HAVE MONEY.

i remember there was this person who told me that i should learn to open up a bit, to let other people know me from the inside. she said i should show a little vulnerability, that i’m not always strong. i told her that it was my shield so i wouldn’t get hurt if people leave, or some dramatic shit like that. she said i was wrong to feel that way. the same person has not yet texted me since we last saw each other, the same person left without any signs of coming back or at least letting me know if she can pay me or not. doesn’t text me unless i mention her crush’s name. doesn’t text at all, even just to say hi. now, tell me, is that pure and sincere? i don't even understand why i have to be the one to follow her time table when she's the one who's supposed to be adjusting to me.

i don’t mind helping people when they need money. i always believed that you should always do unto others what you want others to do unto you. i’d like to think that if i need money someday, somebody will be nice enough to lend me money. i’d like to think that if people can’t pay me yet, they’re nice enough to give me a time table. or they’re nice enough to help me in other ways that cannot be measured in pecuniary estimation.

i don't really need too many material things. it's too bad but we now live in a world where what you're worth is measured by the clothes you wear, the kind of phone you're using, the music you listen to and how you listen to it, whether it's through an ipod or an MP3 player, money counts, money matters. we don't want to admit it but it's true. everything revolves around money now. even if you want to help someone, if you don't have money to spare, you won't be able to.

i feel so shitty right now. i hate feeling this way. i hate the feeling that i'd regret helping people because it only brings me pain and suffering. not to mention, a state of bankruptcy.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

no excuses

i'm posting the lyrics of Ani Difranco's My IQ here because Gang from RockEd revised it a bit yesterday before the Orange and Lemons performance.

My I.Q.

when I was four years old
they tried to test my I.Q.
they showed me a pictureof 3 oranges and a pear
they said,which one is different?
it does not belong
they taught me different is wrong
but when I was 13 years old
I woke up one morning
thighs covered in blood
like a warlike a warning

that I live in a breakable takeable body
an ever-increasingly valuable body
that a woman had come in the night to replace me
deface me
see,my body is borrowed
yeah, I got it on loan
for the time in between my mom and some maggots

I don't need anyone to hold me
I can hold my own
I got highways for stretchmarks
see where I've grown

I sing sometimes
like my life is at stake
'cause you're only as loud as the noises you make
I'm learning to laugh as hard as I can
listen'cause silence is violence
in women and poor people
if more people were screaming then I could relax
but a good brain ain't diddley
if you don't have the facts

we live in a breakable takeable world
an ever available possible world
and we can make music
like we can make do
genius is in a back beat
backseat to nothing
if you're dancing
especially something stupid like I.Q.

for every lie I unlearn I learn something new
I sing sometimes for the war that I fight
'cause every tool is a weapon - if you hold it right.


i like watching these shows because it allows us an opportunity to do little things. little things can be big things when done with other little things. there are so many things you and i take for granted. we owe it to the people who do not have enough to save; who do not get fed at all not to waste food; who do not get to go to school, who do not know anything, those who have to walk miles before they can get to their first class not to cut class. we take so many things for granted when there are so many people out there who have so little. we have no excuses not to care. we have to do our share, at least, the little things, to help them get by. little things can mean so much. right?

Sunday, June 18, 2006

forever Charmed

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Charmed, one of my favorite tv shows has now come to an end. it's a good thing i got home in time to see the final episode of it. as in, it's done, no more season to look forward to. it's a good thing i didn't let my feelings of irritation for Kaley Cuoco get in the way of my watching the show. if i did, i would've missed it. Grandma, Mom, Dad, Wyatt, Chris. only Prue didn't come back for the season finale, not even as a ghost.

i remember being such a big fan of the show, especially when they kept playing the Sarah McLachlan song for the Piper-Leo love theme. i didn't really get to follow everything, like when Prue died, or how Paige accepted her being a witch or when Leo became an avatar (this was the season after Chris died and was born at the same time) but i made sure i followed the whole season Chris was there. i made sure i was home, even if i was in the dorm or review center, that i came home for Charmed. i was so crazy about Drew Fuller.

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of course, you can't blame me for being sad because all of the shows i seem to like to watch often end with no more recourse for me but to buy the bootleg versions. Buffy and Angel both ended after good runs in the small screen and when you see them again, you can't help but reminisce and call them by their old character names. what bothers me is that, after the show, you may never see them again. i haven't seen Drew Fuller after Charmed. i haven't seen Vincent Kartheiser ever since Angel ended. that's why it's sad. besides, the other magic shows nowadays aren't just as good.

guess i'll be forever maka-Charmed.

shawl na blue, panty-ng blue, thong na blue (blue shawl, blue panty, blue thong, sang to the tune of Xanadu)

i figured this was one of ‘em days where you don’t know when today and tomorrow begins because you hardly had any sleep and before you know it you had to leave the house again. but i was so looking forward to these two days because 1) i’d see Sven again because of Tequila Sunrise; 2) our account’s third anniversary party where my friends and i are to dance for the entertainment of everyone (it’s not everyday you have the opportunity to humiliate yourself and have your friends tag along with you) later in the evening; and, 3) we’ll get to go out afterwards.

after the shift, Brian and my ex-coach Kaye went with me to watch Tequila Sunrise 2 where Pedicab was the main act. of course, Sven’s band Felepinas would be there too. i’m actually close to them already, (they even joined our table) being textmates with the bassist, Zandel, and Aldwyn, the vocalist, is on my Friendster account. Aldwyn even made special mention of me, that i bought their album (at which point i would’ve wished the earth open up from underneath and swallow me) and everyone in my table snickered. the guys are very sweet people, but a major part of me, the one that thinks all the time which is why i look triple my age, thinks that their lyrics need improvement. some of the songs are nice, but there’s something terribly wrong about them, i just can’t put my finger on it. maybe someday i could tell them that and hopefully they’d listen to me and work on it. after all, i’m their no.1 fan. probably the only fan.

anyway, i got the members of Pedicab sign my album and i even got Diego Mapa to sign this picture from one of those old, old concerts i watched before.

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i was enjoying myself. i felt honored to be in the presence of Lemon a.k.a. Squid9 a.k.a. Sugar Raims. the music was great. so great i even wanted to dance in front, but nobody else was and i didn’t want to embarrass my companions by doing that.

so anyway, when we were about to leave i went over and said goodbye to my “new friends”, Aldwyn first, then Zandel and then when i got to Sven, he asked for my number. did you get that? HE asked for MY number. and my last name. and my YM. it’s nice not to have to ask people first for a change. on the way out, they were talking amongst themselves about parking and losing sleep and not having gas money. i felt so comfortable around them, i told them to shut up about not having money. they don’t look like they’ve experienced that sort of crisis before and even if they have, you wouldn’t really believe them. Sven was even yelling along the street, trying to sell his cell phone. great, the guy asks for my number and when i finally get the opportunity to be his friend, the phone would’ve already belonged to someone else. we didn’t hang out anymore because i was avoiding the possibility of actually lending money to these people. if i hadn’t known any better, i’d say they were using Sven to get some gas money out of me.

i barely got some sleep but i had to pick up Brian and Mark from the mall so we could all go to the venue together but as it turns out, both of them overslept so i had to wait for hours. i am barely late so i hate having to wait when people are late. hello?! perfect attendance for March and April?! pathetic! Mark is sooo late and i’m already pissed like hell so when Brian arrived we left for the venue already. when we got there, Law Student was already there.

sidebar: Law Student knows other Law Student with beautiful feet, long hair and pointed nose.

anyway, the dance went without a hitch. well, there were a lot of hitches, but like i keep on saying, i sing better than i dance. and this is the point where i feel bad because none of the members of Juan let me sing with them. but then again, they probably didn't think of me that way.

after the party, we go to Metrowalk, where we eat at Yahoo! and then proceed to Decades. again, i'm not into dancing. but i don't want to be killjoy, so i join them. then we have breakfast, Brian, Mark, Jaydee (yes, they finally talk, the three of them, and not have me as bridge), Johanna, Anj and me.

no, nobody took off any bras, shawls, panties, thongs. everything blue stayed on whoever was wearing it that night.

bummer. mine was the thong.

Friday, June 16, 2006

my crush, the Law/MBA student

i'm growing more and more fond of you. at first, i just wanted to be your friend because we share the same interests and it would be fun to actually talk to somebody of the same wavelength. even if it's just in the legal sense.

you like rock. you like poetry. you're handsome. you're just around my age bracket so you know the type of music i grew up with. you read. you actually read. you appreciate poetry. you even got excited when i lent you a copy of Dead Poets Society. not to mention, you showed me a copy of a poem from DPS. you love the law. you love the law (i'd like to think you do) as much as i've learned to love the law. that's the most endearing part about you. you're nice, you're sweet, you're smart and you look good.

maybe too good.

too many people like you already. too many people want to be around you. sometimes it hurts to be around you. really.

maybe you're nicer than the other Law Student i have a crush on. i don't even wanna know who's gay-er between the two of you because i don't want either of you to be gay.

i love looking at you and smelling you. touching you. being with you.

but i know deep inside of me that it's never gonna happen. you're too beautiful. or too perfect. i'll never be right for you.

or anyone for that matter, straight or gay.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

on musical snobs and aphrodisiacs

i was reading an old issue of Manual magazine, and it was supposed to be their music issue, February 2006, over at David’s salon here in our area. i was waiting for the woman who will wax my armpits to arrive. (being beautiful and trying to be, requires sooo much of a woman. i have resolved that if i decide to have my bikini line waxed, i should be heavily sedated). anyway, i came across this article by my good friend Erwin Romulo and Quark Henares. it was about musical snobs. i’ve always admired these two gentlemen and have found it intellectually (sometimes even sexually) stimulating listening in to their conversations. i feel like a voyeur when i used to pass by the station for Erwin's show and Quark was his guest. call me a pervert, but there's something about the way they talk to each other that pushes my buttons. maybe it's the big words with many syllables. maybe i'm secretly attracted to slightly overweight men.

so this article in Manual magazine was about how to become a musical snob and they were giving the reader instructions, point by point, about how to be a hit with your friends, without actually even knowing zit about what you're talking about. it's sarcastic, in a way, because it makes fun of people who are pretensious. you don't really have to know what you're talking about, you just have to sound like you do because the other person doesn't know any better.

they came up with this list of people you should listen to, name-drop and albums you should mention, the websites you should check out. oh, and they also gave notes about what to say when someone asks you what type of music you like. you know, to make you sound artsy-fartsy.

let's face it. we like people who are smart and we like people who sound smart even when they're not. we like to be smart ourselves; even if it's just in the musical sense, we want other people to think that we know more than they do.

which is why i love these men, Quark and Erwin. they are smart, they know what they're talking about. even if they don't really play that much anymore, they have the authority to diss people (if and when they do) because they know music and they can differentiate the good stuff from crap. and these people are actually really really down to earth when you meet them in person. maybe that's the reason they're so appealing to me.

now, if you'll excuse me, i need to go to the bathroom. oh, yeah.

Monday, June 12, 2006

the L could mean addicting, i just can't remember the word right now

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I finally got copies of the L word, from Angela. I've actually had it for weeks and now's the only time I've had to blog about it. The show is addicting, although I think this country is not yet ready to see a bunch of women getting it on. it's almost the same, I tell you. if you're looking for telenovela material, this is it. it's sooo addicting, I had people in the office queueing to borrow it from me =)

Like I always say, homosexual relationships are no different from heterosexual relationships. The drama is there: the fighting, cheating, arguing, living, loving. It only gets more complicated because it involves people of the same sex having the drama, but it’s no different. No different at all. Oh yeah, you still get the same insecurities of straight couples. Will she leave me for someone younger, sexier, better? Will she stay honest with me the rest of her life? We still work, we still have trouble paying bills, we still want to unwind by the week’s end, we still hate our boss for giving us shit, and we still hate our parents for not being understanding enough.

This country is so full of hypocrisies. Even with the advanced technology the western people are introducing to us, we still have stoppers up our butts not to accept the reality that gay people are here to stay so maybe we should start respecting their existence. I’m sorry for going so mental but watching the L word does that to me. it makes me gay-er than ever.

Oh, and Kate Moennig is hot.

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Saturday, June 10, 2006

because my face is thick (or i don't mind going back to hetero as long as it's you. or Lee Pace. or Vincent Kartheiser)

when i was younger, i kept to myself a lot. i was always in my room, scribbling thoughts and what not. if you think i'm angry now, you're lucky you didn't meet me as a kid. the only time i felt free was when i had a pen and wrote or when i closed my eyes and started to sing. the walls of the houses we rented before were proof of my angst.

debating helped me a lot in that it boosted my confidence. i could verbalize my thoughts and not have to keep them to myself. plus, i had more friends as opposed to no friends.

this is how i met the band members and DJs and columnists and celebrities. i didn't worry about being embarrased. i was never afraid to humiliate myself. i enjoy doing it actually.

i was very disappointed not being able to see the show and the bands. i really wanted to hear "OO" played live again. but i was (still am) a good friend, so i missed the bands play. i just came to pick up brian and lee.

so when the elevator opened for the 20th floor, Up dharma Down and Mr. Toti Dalmacion were just waiting for a ride to go down the building, you could imagine how devastated i was.

but they remembered me. all of them. when Sven saw me, he even reached out, opened his arms and kissed me. cheeks lang pero buhay na ko nun.

i didn't regret being late. i got to talk to Sven. i got to hug him. i was happy. unlike lee and brian, i didn't feel bad not being able to talk to this or that human being. i was confident.

he was a real gentleman. he helped us get a ride. he was very nice. he took us to our ride and even checked out which bus we should take to get home much sooner. oh, and he even asked us if we were okay to walk, as we had not yet had sleep. very considerate. the funny part was going through the overpass to the Metropolis. now I know why he loves it so much. it’s very funny, especially if you’re over 6 feet tall.

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go ahead. ask me again for a cigarette.

because i am such a whiner

initially i was so pissed off because too many things happened which shouldn’t have happened over the last couple of days since i last blogged. that pissed me off. the fact that i had to keep it all inside and there was no way i could vent or unleash all that angst made me more lonely, more angry, more tired, more fearful than i already was. it added to the stress and lack of sleep, lack of love, sex, music, poetry or any form of release in my life. before, i wouldn’t mind being a pathetic little twit as long as i got to write about it. not being able to write felt suffocating and the half a day in Bataan didn’t help take some of the pain away.

anyway, there’s being caught in the middle of a relationship which shouldn’t happen. i love my friends, i tolerate them to a certain extent, which is why they love me. but i can only tolerate so much. there are certain limits, certain rules, which, crazy as i am, i wouldn’t try to break even if you paid me. being trapped in the middle hurts.

then there’s being insulted to your face by some asshole bitch lesbian. C, sweetie, you’re cute, yes. but you’re not perfect. you’re not wonderful. you’re not Sven.

or any of my new friends: there’s this girl, Chx but i’d rather call her Violet and there’s Jimbo, the law/MBA student. you’re not cute, C. and i don’t care if you’re staring at me more often than usual ever since i started talking to Law Student. you’re not CheAnn. YOU ARE NOT SVEN.

i was excited about Tequila Sunrise 2 because it meant seeing Sven and his band again. the music is starting to grow on me, although i could come up with deeper shit if i tried hard enough. i mean, the music is relatable. anyway, we had this stupid car accident which wasn’t Johanna’s fault. HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU KNOW GET INTO AN ACCIDENT WITHOUT YOUR CAR ACTUALLY MOVING? it could have been avoided. i could’ve left Johanna. i could’ve not helped her until i knew she was safe. it was a minor accident, but if you've been driving for the last 20 years without EVER meeting an accident, you need your friends to be with you, right?

it’s bad enough that i have this old bald fart reminding me constantly that i flunked the bar exams twice, that i’m fat and ugly and that i will never amount to anything. i seem to never find anything which will get me off this state of melancholy. i have people accusing me of stealing their husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends. maybe i should. i work hard, i come to work on time, i do more than what people expect of me, i do overtime, i give excellent customer service but it never seems to be enough. buti pa ibang tao sa kabilang dulo ng mundo naa-appreciate yung kabaitan ko, yung mga taong taga-rito, hinde (other people on the other side of the planet appreciate what i do, but not the people from here). i will never find anyone who will love me back, who will accept me and my baggage. i will never find anybody whom i can love as much as i loved M.

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this is the only way i know to unwind and people don’t even let me do it. it’s frustrating. maybe i should cheat on my partner, maybe i should abandon my friends in their time of need, maybe i should be an asshole to everybody. it sets a bad precedent. the people who go out of their way to make other people’s lives miserable get rewarded while the people who are sincere and honest, they get shit. and not just shit, but a great abundance of it, like shit galore. i know i had a great time when i was cheating on M, so maybe i should do that again. it’s fun when you make fun of people’s feelings, maybe i should do it more often. all the assholes and bitches in the office get awards, they get promoted so maybe i should go start licking up my bosses’ asses.

people never appreciate you for who you are, for what you aspire to be. they’d rather get the tupperware version of you. they don’t care if you’re talented or sweet or nice or intelligent. you have to be sexy first, have really fair skin and be really rich. you have to be mean to people. you have to be fake. which is why i don’t believe in this world anymore.

okay, i'm done, for now. that felt good.

Monday, June 05, 2006

it's called an outing

i have been looking forward to Saturday, June 3, as early as the last week of April. not only was it my Mom’s birthday, it was also our summer outing with my account in the company. it seemed like forever waiting for that day to arrive and it did, thank God. i was almost losing interest, since it felt like it would take forever for us to get our ride to Bataan and eternity to get there. but when we did, it was great.

i was initially assigned to stay with Brian and my friend from Wave 35, Paulo, in the room in the hotel; until we found out that we were staying with 3 more guys from PSG (my split in my account, not the Presidential Security Group), Mark, Luther and my other batchmate, Ryan. it would’ve been one of my greatest fantasies but then again, it felt awkward, considering the clothes i brought with me. it was awkward. besides, a lot of people didn’t like that idea very well, so i had to share the room with my other female friends. =)

i got to swim in the beach, and in the pool. normally i would just stay in the pool, but this resort didn’t have too many stones underneath the water so it was okay to walk, swim and there were spots that weren’t too deep to swim in.

there were a lot of pair ups that surfaced as the event went on, even if i didn’t get any myself. always the bridge, never the bridgee. i’m just glad i got to sing, swim, drink, smoke and be with my friends. it wasn’t sooo boring; i have a new friend with benefits =) but i don’t think that i’ll be with her again. surely.

it was a fun experience. oh, and the Assistant Operations Manager and Operations Manager found my voice good. so that's nice. eh di maganda. salamat po.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

ethan garcia lives!!!

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i'm too tired to look for Patrick Garcia's picture. but you know what i mean, right? the guy from Novaliches who probably works in a call center who's a cross between Ethan Hawke and Patrick Garcia is back.

just when i thought i'd never see him again, i got to share a ride with him in the MRT. now i'm really curious as to which stop he goes down on. maybe i should stalk him again.

maybe he is a security guard on the night shift.

***
okay, so last saturday, i try my best to be nice to you but you brushed me off. maybe we'll never be friends. maybe we just happen to catch each other on our bad days.

but you don't look like Ethan Hawke or Patrick Garcia. so wag kang maarte. besides, i really only know a few lesbians who do not know how to sing. maybe you're one of them.