Tuesday, March 21, 2006

for K

when i first heard this song being played on NU107, the first thing that popped into my head was K. oh yeah, i also heard it the same day i went over the store to tell her what i felt. this is a great song by 2005 NU 107 In the Raw Awardee, Up dharma Down. their album fragmented is available at any Tower Records branch. the album is amazing; i am currrently speechless so just go ahead and buy it! pag-agos is currently being shown in both MTV and MYX while this song shares regular airplay. you'll love it when you hear it =)

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oo

di mo lang alam, naiisip kita
baka sakali lang, maisip mo ako
di mo lang alam, hanggang sa gabi
inaasam makita kang muli
nagtapos ang lahat sa di inaasahang panahon
at ngayon ako’y iyong iniwang
luhaang sugatan’t di-mapakinabangan
sana nagtanong ka lang kung di mo lang alam
sana’y nagtanong ka lang kung di mo lang alam
ako’y iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
hindi mo lang alam kay tagal nang panahon
ako’y nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon, para sa’yo
lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya
di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
kung ako’y nagkasala, patawad na sana
ang puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal
di mo lang alam ako’y iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
puro siya na lang, sana’y ako naman
di mo lang alam, ika’y minamasdan
sana’y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam
di mo lang alam, kahit tayo’y magkaibigan lang
bumabalik lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
ako’y nandito lang, hindi mo lang alam
matalino ka naman
kung ikaw at ako ay tunay na bigo
sa laro na ito ay dapat bang sumuko
sana’y di ka na lang pala aking nakilala
kung alam ko lang ako’y ‘yong masasaktan ng ganito
sana’y nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko
di mo lang alam ako’y iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
puro siya na lang, sana’y ako naman
di mo lang alam, ika’y minamasdan
sana’y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam
malas mo . . . ikaw ang natipuhan ko
di mo lang alam, ako’y ‘yong nasaktan

Friday, March 10, 2006

kainis ha?

it's a good thing nobody from work reads this blog. they're too busy being . . . oh well.

listening to: sleeptalk by Up dharma Down
current mood: somnolent

the thing about trying to surprise someone is that they never know you’re coming; otherwise, it wouldn’t be a surprise. the bad thing about it is that, since you’re going to surprise that person, there’s a possibility that she’s not there. hence, my plan to show up at K’s place of work backfired and i ended up looking like this idiot. idiot with a sprained ankle. i tripped and hurt my left foot in the process. nice ‘no? i just wanted to see her so bad. even if i’m not really sure she wants to see me. she never really told me that, you know, she, err, you know, me back. why do i do this to myself? can we please turn this mechanism off my system?

now, this is getting to be so annoying. what is this stupid subconscious trying to tell me? i don’t like her. but every time i sleep i dream about C. this is terrible. in my dream she went over here and my yaya let her in to my room, let her use my phone and PC and lie in my bed. she was telling me to tell my friend to stop calling her. we were both lying in the bed. i don’t want to get into anymore details. it’s just so weird. we don’t like each other, we don’t talk. our stations are facing each other but we’re not civil, we don’t try to be. nothing. maybe i just don’t want to admit it because of the circumstances surrounding the situation.

maybe i should put my left foot in a cold compress.

who is bisexual?

nota bene: i got this from one of the members from our L Word yahoo group. i just thought i'd share it with you. it does not reflect my opinion, though.

As you can see, there is no simple definition of bisexuality, and bisexual people are a very diverse group. There are several theories about different models of bisexual behavior. J. R. Little identifies at least 13 types of bisexuality, as defined by sexual desires and experiences. They are:

Alternating bisexuals: may have a relationship with a man, and then after that relationship ends, may choose a female partner for a subsequent relationship, and many go back to a male partner next.

Circumstantial bisexuals: primarily heterosexual, but will choose same sex partners only in situations where they have no access to other-sex partners, such as when in jail, in the military, or in a gender-segregated school.

Concurrent relationship bisexuals: have primary relationship with one gender only but have other casual or secondary relationships with people of another gender at the same time.

Conditional bisexuals: either straight or gay/lesbian, but will switch to a relationship with another gender for financial or career gain or for a specific purpose, such as young straight males who become gay prostitutes or lesbians who get married to men in order to gain acceptance from family members or to have children.

Emotional bisexuals: have intimate emotional relationships with both men and women, but only have sexual relationships with one gender.

Integrated bisexuals: have more than one primary relationship at the same time, one with a man and one with a woman.

Exploratory bisexuals: either straight or gay/lesbian, but have sex with another gender just to satisfy curiosity or "see what it's like."

Hedonistic bisexuals: primarily straight or gay/lesbian but will sometimes have sex with another gender primarily for fun or purely sexual satisfaction.

Recreational bisexuals: primarily heterosexual but engage in gay or lesbian sex only when under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.

Isolated bisexuals: 100% straight or gay/lesbian now but has had at one or more sexual experience with another gender in the past.

Latent bisexuals: completely straight or gay lesbian in behavior but have strong desire for sex with another gender, but have never acted on it.

Motivational bisexuals: straight women who have sex with other women only because a male partner insists on it to titillate him.

Transitional bisexuals: temporarily identify as bisexual while in the process of moving from being straight to being gay or lesbian, or going from being gay or lesbian to being heterosexual.

Many of these people might not call themselves bisexual, but because they are attracted to and have relationships with both men and women, they are in fact bisexual.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Yes.

don’t look at me like that

if looks could kill, i can charge you for murder

your eyes are piercing a hole right through me

if you look closely you can tell i’m looking at you too

only you don’t get it.

i don’t think you ever will

you’re too in to the idea to actually see the picture

i don’t think you’ll ever know

to think you look smart

but you can’t seem to figure it out

i hate that you can’t figure it out

because once you see it

you just might look at me different

(well, you look at me different now, but not in the way i want you to - -

you look like you’ll eat me alive)

and you wouldn’t feel so bad for being a total idiot

i want you but not in the way i’d feel good about myself

i wish i wouldn’t

but you look so good

when you look at me like that

so don’t

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

a little Affogato wouldn’t hurt

listening to Liz Phair's Why Can't I?

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i was very depressed coming to work. really. system was down as well, just like it rained the day i got home after i met with K. my co-worker, Cecille, noticed that but i already warned her not to ask why, just to let me be. so she did.

i share the ride with Cecille on the way home, and we board her car. sometimes i don’t like doing that because you know me, i don’t like being indebted or dependent on anybody and there are times that i would choose to be alone. this wasn’t one of those days. she refused to leave me alone. so she drives her car and instead of taking the EDSA route she suddenly swerves lanes on the way to K’s new place of work. you know, where she distracts you into telling the story of what happened when K and i last saw each other and next thing you know, we’re going the wrong way.

so there we were. i looked like a total wuss when she asked for K and K went out and i ran away like this, this, this stupid wuss. oh, you should’ve seen me, it was one of those moments i felt completely stupid and i give you the right to make fun of me. it was awkward seeing her again. but i missed her so, that i couldn’t deny. i just didn’t want her to think i was seeing her for the partner discounts when, i’m not really her partner to begin with.

Cecille and i had coffee and left. K was saying something like, you-know-you-can’t-just-leave-like-that-without-kissing-me-goodbye shit. but she was working so i said later. Cecille was so happy she was finally able to make me smile. okay, let’s give her that, because i did smile. really.

i like saving up for a rainy day. make sure i collect a lot of kisses the next time i come back.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

kinse minutos

this morning i visited K from work before i went home after my shift. i just had to see her. i wanted so much to see her that even if i didn't have enough sleep i dragged my weary ass to her place of work. it was her last day there and if i wanted to see her i'd have to drag my butt even further to her new place of work just to catch a glimpse of her.

i can't say that i love her, i like her, yes. but love? that's something i'm not sure i feel for her yet. i took the time away from her to figure it out but everytime i think about her, i feel more and more strongly about her that i just can't move away. everytime i'm near her, i always have to keep myself from wanting to kiss her. i have to always stop myself because i know it can't happen. and if i wanted our friendship to last, i'd have to always stop myself. but i couldn't. the words just slipped right out of my mouth.

she introduced me as her wife. that made me smile. it made me smile so bad i forgot that the coffee she handed over to me was extremely hot and i hurt myself trying to drink it just so it wouldn't show so much that i was smiling when she introduced me as her wife. and when we smoked, a bit of ash went over to my eye and she held my face to blow it away and i had to stop myself again from wanting to kiss her or kissing her hand as she held my face.

i'm old enough to know, i'm smart enough to know that this will not progress to something more than that so i begged off before it could even start. i just had to say it. that's how i am always. after i say it, it's not my problem anymore, but yours. i have been somebody else's girlfriend too so i know not to hurt anyone. so many people are accusing me of so many things already. but they can't accuse me of not feeling.

Nora Dinsmore to Young Finn (taking the kid's hand to her chest): feel this, you know what that is? that's my heart. it's broken.

10-15 years later, Ethan Hawke as the Grown-Up Finn to Anne Bancroft, the old Nora Dinsmore: feel this. do you know what that is? that's my heart. and it's broken. (from the movie Great Expectations)

i want us to be friends. no reason why two people can't hang out, just because one is attracted to the other. or even in this case where she seems to be attracted to me. but then again, i don't think this is the first time someone told her she was admired. maybe i'm the first one who didn't want to be just the number two.

maybe there's a reason i feel so hurt. maybe because i never win the girl in the end but i'll be a lawyer. maybe i'll get promoted. maybe i'll be sent to LA and i get to be a rock star. maybe there's someone out there. maybe it'll get better. you'll never know.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

is love actually really all around?

people all around me are breaking up or are too sick of each other they just might and it sickens me because at least, they have somebody looking out for them. i don't have anyone, they have someone but they're just ruining everything and wasting so much time trying to hurt each other. i have so much fuckin' love to give and no one to give it to. it pisses me off and aggravates me how they turn to me for assistance (whether it's the breaking up part or the getting over). talk about rubbing it in.

i hate it when people tell you they love you only that they can't stand to be with you (hmmn . . . sounds awfully familiar), like loving you was such a big burden. it's just like saying the love wasn't strong enough to begin with.

i hate the fact that in order to know how valuable someone is to your life you have to lose them first by being stupid enough to take them for granted.

i hate that people mistake sex for love and use love as a reason to have sex.

i hate it when people say that love will set you free when sometimes loving a person will have you end up in a body bag.

i hate it when love so strong can only be realized through death and not enjoyed while one is living.

i hate it when people say they love but cannot learn to respect. or trust.

i hate the fact that no matter how you try to love someone, that person will never love you back.

i hate the fact that you can never love the person who wishes you will love them back.

i hate the fact that even bad evil people have someone who loves them but the people who do love are out in the cold.

i hate the fact that there are people out there who make it their business to make your life miserable.

i hate it when people can say they forgive but not forget. i hate it when i can't forget.

i hate it that i have so much time in my hands to type all this down, all of them start with "i hate" and i dare say "i have so much fuckin' love to give".

i hate period. and i hate the fact that it seems that i will never love ever again. or feel love ever again.

***

is it just me or does it feel like you want to be everywhere i can see you?

oh and by the way, what do you care? HUH?!