Wednesday, December 27, 2006

accidents do happen

"i love him for the man he wants to be and the man he almost is"

i think that's Renee saying that from Jerry Maguire.

i didn't want to like you. but i couldn't help it. i didn't even plan on loving you, as much as i do now. but i do.

that's mine.

i find myself telling you things i can't even tell my closest friends. and you made me forget Happiness! i thought he was so hot but then you were so wonderful and funny that, well, Happiness is history. and it's so bad that you have to leave.

it's hard because, when i meet people, they always manage to take a piece of me, no matter how little and even if i've only spent time with them for a short while, i still try to hold on to the ties.

then you talk about letting go.

people always leave. i try to shield myself from people, i try to keep something for myself so it wouldn't be so hard when they go. they always leave me, no matter how hard i try to keep them. and you say it hurts you too, when you go. the risk is always there, no matter how you try to protect yourself from it. but then you hold back and you miss out on all those wonderful opportunities you could've spent together because you were so busy trying not to get hurt. hopefully, even if you leave, we'll still be friends.

i remember my ex-girlfriend E when i first heard this song by ChicoSci. it was supposed to be our song. when i heard it over the weekend, you were the first thing that popped into my head. i haven't stopped thinking about you since last Saturday. damnit.

PARIS by ChicoSci

Could I be so affected
Will I stay on your mind
Why am I so infected
The way that we shine

Speak now or forever fall into pieces
I took you so fast
The way we are is just a movie sequence
I took you so

I can't ever deny this
This gift you won't hide
This scene that we're in together
The story of our lives
Broken, lover
Tears flow, endless rivers
One love, one heart
Still we won't sever

Speak now or forever fall into pieces
I took you so fast
The way we are is just a movie sequence
I took you so fast

Speak now or forever fall into pieces
I took you so fast
The way we are is just a movie sequence
I took you so fast

Could I be so affected
Will I stay on your mind
Why am I so infected
The way that we shine
Twisting, turning
As we move further
My own prayer
We will both emerge

You and I step into the light
I'm so graced
That I have this
You and I step into the light
I'm so graced
That I have this


i am blessed to have met you. you're such a wonderful person to know. i hope you see that too.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

what's up, betty?

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they're showing reruns of Betty La Fea on Studio 23. i hate the dubbing. ugh. it's terrible. the show was originally shown in GMA7 and Betty's voice was dubbed by no other than Chin Chin Gutierrez. i liked it so much, especially the part where even if she wasn't pretty yet, she had this French lover named Michel. the dubbing in GMA7 was so much better, you could feel their every emotion. it was so funny, it was the bomb.

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right now, they're showing an American version and the girl who plays Betty is America Ferrera (from Real Women Have Curves, although she's a bit thinner now. yes, that's her name, people). i don't really know how they adapted it but the show also features Eric Mabius (he played Tim on the L Word, remember him? Jenny's fiancee? right!) and probably a lot of other nice people. i haven't been able to do my homework but they say the show's a hit in the States just like the original was.

i mean, who could resist it? you're smart, you're nice, but you just happen to be, well, goofy, different-looking, or say, up to par with so-called standards, since you don't know how to fix yourself. so people don't really see the beauty inside. she was working in the fashion industry, for crying out loud! you understand how i can relate so much to this, do you?

***

i didn't want to like you. really. but you are so nice and wonderful and sweet and funny and responsible that i couldn't help it. let's face it, you're not as attractive as he is, but your feet are so planted on the ground that it's impossible not to fall in love with you. and to think i've only known you for a few days.

happiness is not so happy anymore. sweetness is in. or maybe thoughtfulness. whatever.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

like i care

there's this new guy on the floor, i think i've mentioned this here before. i liked him the moment he set foot on the floor, although he wasn't the one people first noticed when their batch first came in. but for some weird reason, he calls attention to himself. gwapo eh. Marc Abaya look-alike, Yael Yuzon sound-alike. what do you expect?

he reminds me of my old crush, the Law/MBA student (he's leaving the account, by the way), because the issues raised to me by old crush, are the issues that are being confronted by, uh, Happiness.

yes, because it started at approximately 1am and ends at around 10am. or 10.30pm to 7.30pm. depends.

you know.

the difference between old crush and new crush is that, old crush is a bit older and i'd like to think more mature. he did disappoint me, though. new crush, i think, is easily fazed and jaded by the idea that everyone is talking about him. although i did (and i still think so) think he is mature for his age. he does call attention to himself because he can be a pompous ass, this narcissistic bitch (yes, i sometimes think so. i don't even know if i'm saying that because he doesn't like me or because he can be a pompous ass) so there's no stopping the things that people will say about him until some new person comes along (or if i am powerful enough to divert their attention) to talk about.

see, i don't have this problem. i'm not attractive. i'm not smart, although he did say that i am (like it was a liability) and in this aspect, i think he listens to me and respects my opinion. i'm not sexy. oh, and for some weird reason, people do like to talk about me behind my back even if i've been on the floor for ages. but then, i attract negative energy wherever i go so what's the fucking point?

i mean, people only know this much so they add or subtract what they can because nobody really bothered to ask me what the truth was. he's lucky because he has concerned people like me who will point it out to him. i'm not that special because i am not worth talking to and verifying with information that may have been incorrect. besides, it's always been that way, at school, at work, at home. it's not like i planned to be talked about. i'm loud to begin with. but i don't do shit much. most everything is fabricated and like i said, since i am not special, no one ever bothered to sit down with me and talk about it. they just went ahead and made judgment based on whatever little known "facts" they have.

and i don't really care. when i come home, i come home to a father who thinks i'm a failure regardless of whatever i have achieved for myself so i don't really care about what people say. it's nothing compared to the crap i get at home from the one person i expect to accept and understand me.

you will get through this. it hurts me to see you go through this. experience has taught me to be stronger or at least, give other people the impression that i don't care. you have to experience this to be a better person and while i am not a better person, i'd like to think i'm stronger.

you did say i have a strong personality.

maybe that's why you don't see me. you don't think i need taking care of.

i do, actually.

and right now, i want you.

whatever.

Casino Royale: not the disappointment that i thought it would be

"i have no armour left . . .
you've stripped it from me . . .
whatever is left . . .
whatever i am . . .
i'm yours . . ."

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i said here before that i didn't know what to make out of a blond james bond.

i would like to retract that. or at least, state for the record that i have given Daniel Craig a chance, that i did watch the latest Bond movie (finally!) and that i did not regret it.

you know how it is, when you've grown up watching these movies, you look forward to when the next one is gonna be and hope that it is not a disappointment. it wasn't. i missed Q and Money Penny. i missed him saying, "Shaken, not stirred.", i missed things that i got used to. like the dark hair.

then i remembered that this serves as a prequel for the new generation of Bond fans. so no new gadgets. no innuendos with the Secretary. i wanted to know what M was short for, though. who even knew she was bloody married?!

i can't say that i loved it immensely. there were parts i couldn't stand (like the torture, the bloody romance because it reminded me so much that i was fucking ignored by my "Happiness", the violence, the distance between two points is a straight line, the fact that i drank that biggie iced tea and i needed to pee but i didn't want to miss anything) but it was funny, it was hot, it was thrilling to watch, just like any Bond movie is.

and did i mention that Daniel Craig's body was hot?

hus dis?

- shortcut for "who is this?"

- text lingo to check who has been texting you since you have no idea and their number is not registered on your phonebook directory

- you falsely hoping that it might be someone special

don't you find it strange that something so grammatically incorrect is now an acceptable form of reply?

doesn't it scare you that nobody wants to talk personally to other people anymore?

doesn't it piss you off when somebody you don't know suddenly texts you and tells you weird things, even professes love for you but you have no idea who the fuck they are? or maybe they tell you you're a bitch but you cannot fight back because it will only provoke them to text you even more knowing they can hide behind anonymity? (fucking cowards, those one-balled bastards)

doesn't it piss you off that your crush wouldn't give you the time of day because you're from a different network and he doesn't have load because he's on unlimitxt with his phone company then he suddenly texts back when it's a number he doesn't recognize? then he stops texting again, when he finds out it's just you.

yeah, it's just you. like you were some irrelevant mammal.

who the hell are you to ask who i am? you don't even know me. and the little you do know is just the tip of the fucking iceberg. trivial. superficial.

apparently, so are you.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

it's Dawson's show, but Pacey gets the girl

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i have always been a closet Dawson's Creek fan. i like the characters, how they developed into mature people. it's Dawson's show, yes, but i have always loved Pacey.

remember when Joey was supposed to paint this wall but for some weird reason, she didn't know what to paint in it and she was so undecided about what to do with it? well, Pacey was going sailing for the summer and he needed something to hold on to, or at least, a reason to come back. wall problem solved: Pacey paints on the Joey's wall in big, bold letters: ASK ME TO STAY.

Audrey was leaving, she was already on the airport and Pacey realized he needed her and didn't want her to leave. Pacey, of course, ever so reliable, couldn't afford to buy a ticket just to follow her. he then asks the guy at the paging system to help him reach Audrey, who was very conveniently listening to her rock music cd player. good thing Jen nudges Audrey and she does get the message.

like i said, much as i would hate to admit, damnit, i am as mushy as mushy can be. i love this show. Dawson gets to be director; Jen, sadly, dies, but leaves Jack a daughter (leaving her the very important message: "as much as you want to, you can never rely on someone else to make you feel alive, it's an inside job"); and Joey and Pacey live happily ever after, watching Dawson's movie at the comfort of their home.

i love happy endings too.

***

i like you but i don't want to like you as much as i would like him because it would only hurt.

but you're wonderful. honestly.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

not cut out for the tugish takish scene

tugish takish, for those of you who do not know, is the title of the Pedicab album. it's also what the "ROCK" people (the people i do know) call the dance scene.

i don't know how to dance. i can't dance. so i don't dance. i just sway laterally- - hips, shoulders, body. occasionally, i gyrate and rub my against other people to the tune of songs that have that thump feel. more often than not, i get bored. really. dead bored. and it's not because nobody tried to pick me up. i just get bored. my body is selective in terms of the music it wants to move to. and when it does, it has a mind of its own. like it's in a trance.

i cannot attribute it to age since i still do, gyrate occasionally. maybe i just like SPACE. lots of it. i want to be able to breathe and not have to smell what the other person had for lunch or know did before he hit the dance floor. okay, so i tried to slam dance and do the mosh pit thing before. but that's different. way different. okay, so you will see people making out in a bar where there's a band performing, just like in a disco. okay, there will be people sweating in a joint where people drink and smoke at the same time, just like in a disco. okay, there's also a possibility you'd get picked up at a bar where a band is playing, just like in a disco. maybe i simply just can't dance.

so i get bored. i remember people, places, things, problems, when i get bored. the purpose of going to these places is to lose yourself in the music and simply let go. but unlike in a band performance where i sit and watch, you are watched by people in the dance floor. maybe that's why there's a band called Panic at the Disco. and shit, i remembered you. i found myself composing shit again while waiting for my friends get hit on by guys on the dance floor. i suddenly was in a different place.

i hate it when that happens.

happiness does start at 10pm and end at 7am.

for now.

why do you just have to look like Marc Abaya?!

Friday, November 24, 2006

separated at birth

i've been wanting to post this for a long time, only, i didn't have any resources, or time to post it.

i've been too busy trying to drown myself in alcohol.

anyway, here are some people whom i think have been separated at birth, like they were long lost twins.

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ever wonder why Taylor Hawkins left and then became Foo Fighters' drummer? it's because Dave Grohl reminds him of Alanis.

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i really found it funny that American Idol had Prince (or the Artist formerly known as) for a guest. i wanted to see them dance.

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i actually thought that the band who sung Under the Bridge and More Than Words were one and the same person. i know better now.

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before Gerard Way bleached his hair blonde, i thought he was Billy Corgan fronting another angry band. the Helena video is hot. i think that was Carmen of the L Word in there. of course, he now looks like this:

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this one is hotter.

anyway, i'm still nauseous so i'm gonna stop right there. for now.

Monday, November 13, 2006

here i go again . . .

i really enjoyed your company. and you said something that made me feel good about myself, without, i guess, you meaning to. but those limited number of minutes, seconds, they meant a lot to me. you have no idea. i don't have any reason to be paranoid, thank you.

you, on the other hand, you make me feel responsible, like i have this little brother. really. i think you're sweet and i appreciate you being there for me.

it's so nice to have some new straight male friends.

***
okay, i couldn't find the lyrics. but i found the video. so please enjoy Silent Sanctuary's Rebound. i know i do.



thank God for youtube.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

wolverina

our team was supposed to be dressed as wolves, being tagged as the Big Bad Wolf Academy. most of the people in the team were guys and the few people who were not guys were treated like one of the boys anyway. i didn't want to dress as a wolf. so i took the other route.

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i wanted to be different. it was my first halloween party with the company and i'm almost celebrating one year with them. i didn't expect to stand out. i just wanted it to be fun. i had trouble typing though, while taking calls. but you have to admit, i look cute. damnit, i look great.

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i had no idea that my big boss was wearing the Scream mask. i even warded him off because i was taking calls. oh well.

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i had fun.

oh, and i'm not afraid of the dark.

***

when i first saw you, i knew you were cute. i didn't get a good look at you, but you were(are) cute. you're definitely interesting, for a young man. you look and sound profound. you look like Marc Abaya, only thinner. and you're nice. you don't have a speech defect and we actually listen to the same kind of music. and i was pretty touched when you said you still kept my note. i found that very sweet. really. hope you're not a disappointment like he is.

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yeah, you look like him. a younger, sweeter, smarter, thinner, slightly yummier (because Marc has depreciated in value) version of him.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

what does idiot-savant and anal-retentive mean?

i finally mustered the courage to write her. i've been wanting to, for almost a decade now but i've finally found a way. i grew some balls and wrote her a letter.

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i had no idea what to say. i wanted to make it interesting enough to make her write back but not too clingy to sound stalker-like. i mean, it's like hunting down j.d. salinger just to ask him why holden caulfield was so fucked up or ask barry manilow if he was singing to a girl named "amanda" before he turned gay or if he was really singing to guy named named mando, hence, the title "mandy" for short or if he was singing to a dog. was he singing to a dog?

hopefully i will get to talk to her. or something.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

another week ended, another one about to start . . . NOT AGAIN!!!

so we finish another week and i am just so excited about the weekend, if only so i can sit down in front of the TV and watch the CSI marathon. or sleep. trying to sleep actually. with emphasis on TRYING.

sleep. so hard to come by.

so my good friend, Sven, texted me. now, we know he's alive. or at least, his phone is.

no word from jade or link. galeng, galeng.

no word from you too. iloveyou. i love to wring your neck when i get the chance. i'll see you again. and when i do, i'll make sure YOU won't forget ME.

spent after shift with my gal pals until their crushes, or should i say, ex-crushes join our table and be their loud selves. i don't find them interesting.

when i get home, i'm going to treat myself to a bath and sleep my fat ass off. DST starting soon.

by the time i wake up i have to go to work again. fuck.

***
did you feel the earth move? under your feet? did you feel the sky tumbling down? tumbling down?

I DID.

at first, i thought i was just dizzy but i don't really know anyone who would feel woozy sitting down. then my PC at work and the table was moving along with my head. it happened once, twice, THREE TIMES early in the morning. probably around 1am-ish. i can't remember when the other time was. i was too busy taking calls.

so did you? or were you too deep in your sleep to care?

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

orange and lemons for breakfast (dinner for call center agents actually)

i was so elated to find out that Orange and Lemons were performing in the morning. at first, i thought it was Havi producing the show again but it turns out, the show was sponsored by Jam 88.3 and SML. yes, i like my beer in the morning, or lunch, thank you.

it was an opportunity for call center people to watch their favorite band perform and party. CallaLily was there but when we arrived they were done playing which was a big bummer because i heard they were great.

we got to hang out with the band after they performed because for some weird reason, Anj, Ryan A. , Jackie and i were strategically positioned ahead of everybody else (it wasn't near the stage and i am so frigging short but we managed to kick somebody off that table). Mcoy was telling me how he preferred Anj's legs (arms, he was talking about her arms and my arms) better than mine, that they met with Havi and might do another one of them call center collaborations with him again, that i should take care of my legs. things like that. he was so sweet. they were all sweet. that's what i like about O&L: nothing has changed since i first met them at Gweilo's Makati until now that you can hear their songs playing left and right. we even told them about the Century Tuna gig at Market! Market! Clem and Mcoy were laughing their pants off when they learned that Johanna, Anj and i had to buy cans of tuna just to get in. i even thought it was trying hard band covering Orange and Lemons. when we got down, Orange and Lemons nga!

i also got to hang out with people from my previous work. and i met some new people. i also met YOU. hmp.

it was fun. i hope to do that again soon.

***

it shouldn't be this way: you shouldn't forget me. i'm the one who normally says things that kinda stick to people for them not to forget about me. YOU, I HATE YOU. because you did it to me first, you did something out of remarkable that made me not stop thinking about you. I HATE YOU. and you know what, i don't even think you're that smart or that nice or that attractive. you just fucking smell good. I HATE YOU.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

when God closes a door, He gives you a Starbucks mug

just when you thought that there was no good in the world, the Lord will surprise you. you will know that you will see the good in other people if you let them see the good in you.

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what i got is actually bigger than this and i believe, more expensive. i honestly don't think i deserve it; any person would have done what i did. but then she goes, "nobody does that anymore, bels!!!" it made me cry because here i was whining that good work, good honest work doesn't get rewarded anymore. but it actually pays to be patient. again, patience is a virtue and i'm glad i have a lot of it.

good things, great things come to those who wait. life is unfair so we wait until it becomes fair. justice may be blind or actually, she has this thing in her eyes. but it'll clear up sooner than you might think.

so we wait.

Friday, October 06, 2006

foo head, radio fighter

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two of the most remarkable singer/songwriters to my mind are dave grohl and thom yorke. surprisingly, i have none of their albums in my collections of CDs or audio tapes at home. i'm starting to collect now, though.

it's amazing how these two men can put into words certain feelings that most of us do feel. when we write it, it's crap, but when they put it on paper, MASTERPIECE. they say that rockers can create the greatest love songs and my, do they do. most lokal bands may not admit it, but if you listen closely to how they write right now, they may either be influenced or touched somehow by thom or dave.

you do know dave as the guy who looks like alanis morrissette (her drummer left her for him) who used to be the drummer for that great band Nirvana and you know thom as the guy who let himself be a fish in a bowl (his head was in a fishing bowl filled with water in the No Surprises video) or, if for some reason you didn't see that video, i'm sure you know Creep.

of course, embarrassing as it may, my knowledge of their songs is limited to what is mainstream, and have not had the opportunity (the money, actually) to digest their music to their full potential. but that's what i've been doing for the most part of my free time when i'm not trying my best to sleep or escape from work (PSG is the way to go!!!) or hang out with my friends. i'm compiling their music until i can finally say that i don't just listen to the songs they play at NU or K-Lite or Jam, i know the B-sides too!

from the Foo Fighters, so far, i have Walking After You, My Hero, Everlong, Big Me (yes, the Footos video is hilarious), Learn to Fly, Best of You, I'll Stick Around, damnit, i still have a long way to go.

from Radiohead, i have Stop Whispering, High and Dry, Karma Police, No Surprises, the theme song of almost everybody, Creep (made more popular by Marty Casey and Lucas Rossi of Rockstar) and the very heartwrenching Fake Plastic Trees. yes, i wish i could be who you wanted all the time, too. there's this other song from the last album before thom came out with this solo effort that i've been looking for, yeah, There, There.

i'm just not in my right head right now. still searching for those frigging songs . . .

Friday, September 29, 2006

when you say "nothing", it should mean NOTHING; lyrics of songs i like right now

because Push The Button is better with a guy singing it.

there's this really hot song playing over NU107, currently number one on the Stairway to Seven countdown is SinoSikat's Turning My Safety Off. i swear to God, i actually thought that the song was done by a foreign act. i don't know. Kat's vocals are so hot. enticing. plus, the lyrics are impeccable. or maybe i can just relate.

i'm sorry. i'm blabbing. trees are falling everywhere. power is off on the whole of Luzon. people are swimming in rainwater. the whole country is inundated. of course, i could be exaggerating because the sun is out now but stranger things have happened.

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SAFETY OFF
Words by: Nick Azarcon

I’m turning my safety off
I’m ready to talk to you
Alone

A kiss, a hug, another drink
Puts me right back to
Denial of persistent memory

I’m watching you
Make a fool of you
Over and over again

You can leave the fire open
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway

I’m turning my safety off
Unclasping my guarded moments
For you

Nothing here is apropos
And I’m crying out to saints and sinners alike
I’m giving you all the soul I’ve got
Again and again and again

You can leave the fire open
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway

You can leave the memory open
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway

I’m turning my safety off
I’m ready to fall in love with you
Over & over & over again

this next song is nice. i want him/her to sing it to me.

i wish.

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Chasing Cars
Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

***
people, when you say "nothing happened", it doesn't mean "no penetration", it really means NOTHING HAPPENED. if you swap salivas and explored body parts by means of fondling, licking and what have you, it's not nothing, THAT'S SOMETHING, but it's just not PENETRATION.

when you say "make love", you only do that with somebody passionately in love with. that's special. other than that, it is the meeting of the flesh, penetrated skin or not. it's sex. no other way of putting it.

according to the great Jessica Zafra, hypocrisy is also obscene.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

this is such a sweet song. hope someone will sing it to me.

i've heard this performed by O&L when they were still performing at the Tequila shows and i'm glad that certain stations are already playing it, in line with a particular shampoo brand advertisement. but it's cute. really.

Let Me
(Castro-Fundales)
Orange & Lemons

You turn my head
But instead I feel so lonely
I feel for you, I've got to say
You put a spell on me
I opened my eyes, softly and wide
Lovely flower you're my sunshine
I opened my eyes, softly and wide
Lovely flower you're my sunshine

Light is filtering
Your eyes are glimmering
Let me hold you
Let me hold you

I think that it's a sign
You've opened up the inner creases of your mind
Let me kiss you
Let me kiss you

Hope is signalling
Happiness is beckoning
Let me love you
Let me love you

I think that it's a sign
No more walls to keep me by your side
Let me touch you
Let me touch you

now, isn't that something?

***
Link and i are talking again. hopefully smiling again. i need to get Jade off my head.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

the little girl in me

of course, i am a little girl.

but two saturdays ago, since i was so depressed with jade, my friends decided they wanted to cheer me up and reunite me with the child within. HENCE, these pictures taken from Toys R Us in Robinsons Galleria.

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i always loved the carebears.

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i wish this was you, but it's not.

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yes, patrick and i both have big tummies.

thanks, guys. i needed that.  but i'm still sad. it's hard, like i said, when the people whom you expect to be with you, or the people whom you value very much, are the ones that make you feel that you do not deserve to be loved.

"I'm not like the girls that you've known, but I believe I'm worth coming home to. Kiss away night, this girl only sleeps with butterflies. So go on and fly, boy" - Tori Amos, Sleeps With Butterflies

***

boi bitch and i are fascinated with this song. just so happens i saw the video for it and i didn't know it was directed by she great marie jamora. for those who like hale or those who think champ looks like mikey of ciudad or just want to take a shot at dissing hale, this one is for you.

i do watch shows other than rockstar

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i was so sad that in the final episode of CSI: NY, we see Detective Flack on a state of coma. we didn't want to see that hot detective's insides and the blood gushing out of his body. but that's how violence is, when it hits you. hopefully the guy will wake up and do more than squeeze Detective Taylor's hand on the upcoming season.

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the original CSI will be coming soon on AXN, either middle of September or early October, so that's something to look forward to as well. that last scene with Sarah and Grissom together, with that killer line, "I'm not ready to say goodbye" really got to me. what?! they're together?! have to wait for that, seriously.

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what is Eric trying to hide that's why he's not so visible? we all know that we so hated the idea of Ryan losing one eye on that last episode. kadiri, di ba? but we will soon be able to unravel the many mysteries of Horatio Caine and his staff.

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of course, there's House. you have to hand it to this guy. the man's Brit but he gets away with the American accent, effortless. the man's a genius!!! and i am referring to both the actor and his character.

"The great thing about telling somebody they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for. " - Dr. Gregory House, Three Stories

i couldn't agree more.

***
i am currently so crazy over Starsailor's version of Push the Button. you should hear it. i mean, i loved Sugababes, but only when Mutya was still there. i kinda got sick and tired of hearing the song over and over and over and over again. but now that i've heard Starsailor's cover, damnit, i have to get it!!! can't get enough of it. it's so cute. promise!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

tommy lee + gilby clarke + jason newsted + lukas rossi = a SUPER band without a NOVA name

LUKAS WON!!!

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not the really popular choice for other people. i kinda knew it from the moment i saw the dude. it was either him or dilana. toby was a strong contender but i don't think they thought he wanted it enough.

you have to admit, the little punk from Toronto has attitude.

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so here's the band and their new vocalist.

this is the only time i liked a guy who wore more make up than i do. after Duran Duran.

can't wait for the album to come out.

but they said that a Southern California band sued CBS for taking that name and making a band and reality show out of it.

oh, crap. i have better things to do.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

the search for the Philippine Idol is a lonely useless search

my friend brian has been bugging me to watch Philippine Idol. he was even bugging me to join it. i wanted to, like be this kid who brings the rock in the the pop that is the basis of the competition. but, given the kind of people we have here in the R. P., i don't think i'll even make it to the semis. or anything. everybody's in to pop and love songs and all those high notes to the point that you'll pull a nerve. that's what's a hit here. if you want to win, you have to be really really pretty and can carry a tune. you don't have to be marvelous. YOU JUST HAVE TO BE PRETTY.

right now, there are two people brian wants me to watch out for: Paw, the lesbian and Mau, whom Prof. Ryan Cayabyab himself gave a standing ovation to.

they won't win. they'll just pass by our TV sets. only way they'll make it is through the wild card. i passed by the site for Philippine Idol, they don't even have pictures of the contestants or their profiles. and you see comments on the message board about the contestant's weight, not her voice. see? whatever happened to talent, hard work?! we base our votes on how they smile and project on camera and not on how they sing?!

wait a minute, i just remembered something: OUR POLITICAL SYSTEM!

why do i even bother?

will you look at that? my friend has a video of their band's song on the net

i think i've mentioned here more than once that the lead vocalist for Bagetsafonik, Ace Cada, is my best friend from high school. i got to check emails from the office (since my PC has conveniently conked out on me AGAIN!) and i found out that the video for the single Automatik is already out on the net. o di ba, bongga! i'm sooo green with envy.



Paolo looks really cute in this video, so does Tom, and Doi and Markus (told you i know their names. we're not close, but i know their names, damnit!). i can't wait for their album to come out. i always knew that guy with a mole will come out with his own album, own video, etc. someday. well, here it is.

for more information about the band, you can log on to http://launch.groups.yahoo.com/group/bagetsafonik

Monday, September 11, 2006

everybody wants the pretty girl to win; i want the girl who looks like a pretty boy

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my dad and i were watching the match between Maria Sharapova and Justine Henin-Hardenne. it was a very interesting match, filled with “aahhs”, “oohs” and come on’s. even with all these Jessica Zafra books talking about tennis, i still can’t get it. but i want to learn about it, though.

anyway, it was a very interesting match and i really enjoyed watching her. she is pretty.

***
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i caught a glimpse of America’s Next Top Model cycle 5 and i am so loving Kim. it's so nice to see a lesbian join a reality show that is in no way feminine but i'm glad that she is able to hold her own against the bitches in that house. she looks so hot and innocent and yet she can walk the walk. i know there's no way in hell she'll win because i don't think they'd pick a lesbian supermodel. but then you remember Gia Carangi, right?

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Sunday, September 10, 2006

cleaning out my closet

i’m trying to get rid of some of the junk in my room. according to well-meaning friends who sat through about 3 or 4 hours of me just trying to rationalize this whole “jade thing” i have going, i have to keep myself busy. they were finally able to convince me that i have been in love with jade all these years and i just have to face my fear and verbalize it. so after i got sick of listening to Skunk Anansie and her heart-wrenching falsettos, i decided i’d pop some of the vcds i bought that i haven’t watched, like Reality Bites. yes, when i am depressed, i turn to Wynona Ryder and Ethan Hawke. i especially wanted to hear Janeane Garofalo mouth the words, “sex changes everything!”. very timely, i should say.

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several garbage bags later, i come across this paper that dates back to the 1990s. it made me cringe, seriously. it had what appeared to be a poem i wrote for somebody, apparently a guy who was my friend. i will let the horrifying letter/poem/whatever speak for itself:

kung nalalaman mo lang ang nadarama ko
di ka sana magiging ganyan
kung batid mo sana ang sikreto ko
baka di mo ako sinaktan
matagal na akong humahanga sa’yo
ngunit ito’y aking nilihim
kaligayahan na’ng maging kaibigan mo
kahit masakit sa damdamin
tiwala mo’y di minsan ginamit
sa’yong puso baka mapalapit
sa halip ay minahal kita ng tunay
na di humahanap ng anumang kapalit


okay, that just made me barf having to type it here. can you spell "PATHETIC"?! when i finally get to the scene where Ethan and Wynona start making out, Skunk’s voice starts playing again, like weird background music to a very awkward scene in my life,

“i've been a friend with unbiased views and then secretly lust after you . . .
. . .you had to do someone else, you should’ve been by yourself
instead of here with me, secretly”



right now, i seek link. i need him to make me cold and unfeeling. i need him to make me smile. hmmn . . . not that kind of smile, you idiot, just the listen-to-me-so-i-can-whine-and-not-feel-so-depressed kind of smile. please.

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not everyone gets the Some-Kind-of-Wonderful ending, where the guy falls in love with his boyish best friend. Eric Stoltz is old and we don't see Mary Stuart-Masterson anymore.

still so much more to clean up. then my computer conks out again.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

never thought I'd let a rumor ruin my moonlight

so that's the way it's going to be, huh?

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it's bad enough that there are people who for no apparent reason will say bad things about you even when you didn't really do anything to violate them. it's bad enough that not everything you work your butt off really hard for doesn't, isn't given to you even though you know you deserve it. it's bad enough that the people whom you need most, the ones who really, really understand you, are not available, because they have to live their own lives and they have their own problems. some of them just make you feel unwanted period. it's bad enough that i have been losing sleep for the past two weeks and i can't do anything about it. it's bad enough to be smitten with someone who never really recognized your existence. it's bad enough that the people who are supposed to encourage you are the ones to be the first to put you down. it's bad enough that everything is bad period.

i don't want to ever feel like i don't deserve anything i want. where did i get that? oh, Ten Things I Hate About You, Patrick Verona, mouthed by the really handsome Heath Ledger. but that's what's happening: you work hard, you're really nice, you respect everybody and you happen to be really smart, by the way, you just don't flaunt it, oh, and did i mention you were nice? but you have it bad. all the time.

i don't understand why there is so much bad publicity about me. yeah, yeah, bad publicity is still publicity. but bad is still bad and i don't like it. i don't like it that people actually believe the lie better than the truth.

the nice thing about it is that, you know those little things that are supposed to at least make you smile, they're not there. ever.

and i was really trying to be happy, cheerful. i was trying to see what the light at the end of the tunnel would be since everything else is dark. well, so much for, happy. maybe we should turn this off now. you know, that mechanism for doormats? turn it off now.

i would be so pissed off if it were true.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

here, have an enema

they're at it again. and i don't know why. maybe it's because we're so hot or something.

will these people stab us in the back everytime there's a new batch coming in?

again, if i haven't said it enough: my friends and i DO NOT take advantage of people. we do not harass them. we do not sexually harass them in our parties. i do not harass people sexually; i do not take advantage of people when they are vulnerable (jade, if you're reading this, you are not allowed to answer that - - you are a consenting adult); i do not seduce people who do not consent to be violated.

i've mentioned it here before that there have been people who have tried to speak unkindly about me and my friends. i am so disappointed that people actually believe them. they, who are so easily swayed; they, who do not have their own disposition; they, who cannot make their own judgments about things and people so they have to rely on other equally stupid people to make up their minds for them.

i remember jessica zafra mentioning this in her columns (i have all of the books, except for book 6 which is with ex, M) that the gray matter in between your ears is good for something, that is why we should use it. that's why we hate the censors, right? because we don't want other people to tell us which is crap and which isn't; we want to know for ourselves the truth instead of having other all-knowing people shield it from us.

i pity these people; they have stoppers up their butts. it’s the inability to shit properly that causes the toxins to rise up back to their brains. that’s why they’re so full of crap. they have to resort to character assasination in order to gain friends. what do they call that again, crab mentality? you have to pull someone down just to elevate yourself?

i'm so sorry, but my friends and i are so much better than that. unlike most people, i don't get constipated.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

dark, darker, darkest

by the time you read this, somebody may already have been kicked out. maybe two.

wow, the final 6: there's toby (picture not shown here), there's dilana, there's magni, there's lukas, there's storm and there's ryan.

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i think that ryan really is the dark horse in this equation since the man just keeps getting better and better each week and his performances much more intense. there is that animal raring to get out.

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magni has had the misfortune of being in the bottom three for the past weeks now but the man is just great. i like his campaign to get more votes. maybe i'll do that next year. =)

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i liked dilana early in the show. i thought it was about time a woman won this thing. but then as the story progresses, as her performances become more powerful, she becomes more arrogant. i don't buy the whole "i'm weak and vulnerable" bit. i've heard that line before. contrary to what other people might think, i don't forget that this is still a reality show produced by Mark Burnett.

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storm, storm, STORM. so hot. hot. HOT. my gaydar is tingling. nah, she could just be a tomboy but not an actual lesbian. but she is hot. hot. HOT. oh, yeah, i said that already.

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lukas. lukas. LUKAS. i love a guy who's so secure with his manhood he can put make-up on. and he's hot. hot. HOT. INTENSE.

so who's the dark, darker, darkest horse?

Monday, August 28, 2006

because we do

Girls Keep Secrets in the Strangest Ways

If you quit, if you start
If you want to play a part
If you stop, if you begin
If you lose it, if you win
If you come, if you go
If you miss the opening night show
If you smile, and if you cry
If you promise, if you lie


[Chorus x2]
Girls keep secrets in the strangest ways
Girls don’t tell
We just sometimes have to say

If you speak, if you keep still
If you turn mountains into a molehill
If you love, and if you hate
If you see it all too late

[Chorus x2]
Girls keep secrets in the strangest ways
Girls don’t tell
We just sometimes have to say

If you stop, if you begin
If you lose it, if you win
If you smile, if you cry
If you promise, if you lie (x2)

If you quit, if you start
If you want to play a part
If you stop, if you begin
If you lose it, if you win

[Chorus x2]
Girls keep secrets in the strangest ways
Girls don’t tell
We just sometimes have to say

my letter to jade

I can’t stop thinking about you.

I know I should but I can’t. I know I should be treating you just like any guy who wouldn’t give me the time of day if not for that one moment. I know I should treat you like I would treat Link and Jake. But that’s just it: you are not
Link, you are not Jake. You’re different. You’re special. You’re special because you’re my friend. You’re special because you don’t know how it works and you wouldn’t treat it with indifference. There's something admirable about that innocence, that naivete. At least, I’d like to think that you thought it was special too, because it’s me.

I’m not sure if the reason I can’t put a lid on it is because I’m worried about you; because you’re not like us heartless human beings; because you’re pure. You refuse to believe that that’s the way things work. You refuse to give in to the hype; you refuse to be cold and unfeeling. The way I used to be, before he changed me. I wish I could treat this incident the way he (Link) taught me to treat all incidents with him and with Jake. I wish I could go back to being cold and unfeeling.

I don’t even want to think about the other side of things. With you and me, there is no other side. There's just one side, that side is that we’re both special to each other because we’re friends. That’s it. I shouldn’t be over thinking this, just like I told you that you shouldn’t. Maybe I’m over thinking it so that you don’t have to. And the funny thing is, I don’t have feelings for you anymore. I don’t see you that way anymore. I am not the girl those many years ago and whatever feelings I had for you, they had long been buried. I just don’t want to lose my friend. You promised I wouldn’t lose you and I promised you wouldn’t lose me. I intend to keep it that way.

If only I could stop thinking about you.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

it’s a holiday ‘coz it’s my birthday. it’s a holiday ‘coz it’s my birthday today

i got to eat dinner with boi bitch Friday evening and i was glad i did. we were able to cover so many things in such a short amount of time. he was a bit under the weather but he waited for me because he and i barely get to see each other anymore. and i love being with boi bitch because he enhances my vocabulary. he's just about big words.

after dinner, boi bitch dropped me off Saguijo bar where i met my best friend/Bagetsafonik vocalist Ace for the Wolfmann tribute party. i got to hear the tail end of Cambio’s performance. i saw Atty. Vin Dancel and i almost wanted to go up to him and ask for bar tips. there was another band first, before Ace and Markus and Doy and Tom and Pao (see? i know their names now, for real), Sound, i think, was its name. while waiting for their other band mates, Ace, Markus and i went to the gallery at the second floor. the place was so intimate; i wanted to make a wish. there was this one black and white photo i wanted to get for myself if i had the money (but ace said he’d give it to girlfriend and i didn’t want to say i wanted it too ‘coz it would mean that we’d compete for it or something). it was a sleeping alley cat on a wooden floor, i think. what beer could do to you, i swear. it makes you think things you shouldn’t be and makes you forget things you should be thinking about. basta, the title of the photo was slumber. it would look so magnificent in this house, or in my room, at least, if i didn’t have too much junk.

so Bagetsafonik performs Falling, calling (i heard before from when i watched them at Mayrics), Halogen (my personal favorite, heard on the Burn cd), Automatic, a song i forgot to ask ace the title of and Saccharine, which currently enjoys airplay over at NU107.

sidebar: after the Mayrics gig, i asked Ace to walk me to my dorm/condo/boarding house and he kept on asking me if we were there yet. i told him it was just nearby and he goes, “Annabel, pag tatlong 7-eleven na ‘yung nadaanan mo, malayo na ‘yun!” (Annabel, if you’ve already passed by three 7-eleven stores, that’s already far!”). we were just walking.

like i always say, i consider it a luxury and a privilege when i get to hear Bagetsafonik play since i don’t really get to go out at night and this is just one of those rare instances. my best friend is a rockstar. i’d describe how great their band is only i am running out of big words. right now, i am what boi bitch describes as “perpetually confused”. anyway, when they finish, Narda sets up and i swear, Katu is the bomb. she was so hot and so . . . so . . . HOT. then it was Cyril/silver filter. it was the start of the electronica set. i wanted to dance but i didn’t have my girls (Johanna and anj) with me.

the great thing about Wolfmann and the reason they honored him that night, was because he bridged the gap between Philippine rock music and electronica. he made it acceptable to some “conservative” groups, he made it possible. i didn’t meet the guy personally and couldn’t say for myself that i was there for the cause because i wasn’t, but i have so much respect for the guy.

after everybody left Saguijo, ace and i followed his band mates over at Big Sky Mind where Sandwich, Imago, Sugarfree and Itchyworms were playing. we were just in time for itchyworms opening their set when i saw someone familiar: Jake. i haven’t seen Jake in 18 months. he still looked good. we chatted up a bit since ace went to take a wiz then we went our separate ways. just like that. and i saw Gang Badoy of RockEd. she sang songs from the Lex Palooza repertoire (and i bet she doesn’t even know who LP is). i also got to meet some of ace’s friends like Annabel Bosch.

i missed going out like that. there are so many people you can meet in the night gigs. everybody knows everybody. and i missed Tequila Sunrise. Felepinas will NEVER perform in gigs like this. they’ll be stoned to death. i miss Sven.

Friday, August 18, 2006

heto na, heto na, heto na . . . wahhhh!!!!

lobsters postscript: when i make love to a woman, i don't imagine a man and i don't imagine a woman trying to be a man. i see her for who she is. i feel the same way when i make love to an actual man. that was my point: i don't love a person to try to change him/her. i love that person to bring the best out of that person and to let that person bring the best (even the worst) out of me, regardless of his/her gender.

i finally got it. Orange and Lemons have been mentioning it over and over at the Tequila Sunrise gigs. Echo Singson wrote about it in his blog. and they’ve been plugging it over at MYX at those few times that i get to watch local tv. you had the Eraserheads tribute album, now comes the APO Hiking Society tribute album.

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much as i’d refuse to admit it, i do listen to OPM music that does not necessarily fall under the ROCK section of the record bars. yes, people, before i listened to these great music i blab about every so often, i did have a crap phase. you wouldn’t really know what’s good unless you listen you crap, right? but there were good stuff, great stuff and yes, I do owe that to M. she always liked to listen to old stuff, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s. i was a big 80's freak, you know, all that new wave stuff. but she listened to music that was older than we were, even older than the music my parents listened to.

like other compilation albums, there were parts i adored and there were parts i had so much pain listening to. When I Met You was one of my band in law school's favorite songs and i wasn't too happy with how Barbie Almalbis arranged it. i didn't know the band Sound but i was able to appreciate their version of Di Na Natuto and even if i'm not really into Shamrock and Rocksteddy, but liked what they did to Paano and Blue Jeans, respectively. i'm not really familiar with the songs Sandwich and Boldstar performed but their versions of the songs were good introductions. i am missing a song, though and i can't remember what the title is at the moment and i don't want to text M just to ask.

if it weren't for the APO, until now we'd be listening to tagalog versions of American and British songs and that's really awful pop music for all you kids. with rock music, i could get so much substance from the creativity of our rock bands, but imagine a tagalog version of (Hit Me) Baby, One More Time or of Push The Buttons. remember Jenine Desiderio's Ako Si Darna (for Karyn White's Superwoman)? still makes me cringe when i hear it on the radio. and that would be so frigging awful. i'm glad we have quality tagalog love songs, even if most of them are really old stuff from the 70's, 80's and 90's. most of the pop music that we have right now are rehashed and bastardized arrangements of the songs from way back anyway (hello? M. Y. M. P.?!) so we go back to the classics.

we owe this, in part, to these three gentlemen, who have made love songs, and even songs that don't even mean anything (American Junk was funny. "Hey Pay-droh!" "it's Pidru!) and songs that meant a difference to other people's lives politically (Handog ng Pilipino sa Mundo was composed by one of them, i think, Jim, for the original Edsa Revolution) and many other things i can't remember nor put into words right now. just enjoy the music.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Rockstar: Jill, yes. but Josh? NO!!!

Jill overdid it again, as usual. i liked her some days, but not all days.

but Josh . . . why Josh?

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maybe because Josh was too soulful and some people have the mistaken notion that you really really have to be loud or hard to be called a rockstar. but then again, you're auditioning for Gilbey Clarke, former GN'R guitarist; Jason Newsted is from Metallica; and well, "hell yeah!" Tommy Lee, is from (your favorite porn website. nah, just kidding) Motley Crue and these are all hard-rocking bands and a little bit of soul shouldn't have hurt. but they axed him too soon.

once again, Lukas killed it. i have no idea who he'll face off with. but the man is the bomb.

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i mean, just like JD Fortune, he has some sort of strategy up his sleeves that rubs the other people in the Rockstar Mansion the wrong way. but the dude just keeps getting better and better as the weeks pass by. so you can't miss the talent right there. we'll see.

***
by the way, and this has nothing to do with Rockstar but some other kind of star. i just found out who the girl that jake left his girlfriend for is. the world is so small. well, at least he's happy. we all deserve to be happy.

even i do.

because i needed something to do to unwind - - talk about coincidences

like i said, i miss going to Tequila Sunrise every Saturday and i don't just want to hang out and have coffee all the time. i swear to God, if somebody pricked me, i will bleed caffeine.

and i don't want to do videoke all the time. if i spent the whole week talking, i just want to be able to preserve my voice.

so last Saturday, we watched The Break Up starring VinniFer (Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston) and it was okay.

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it was a nice film and i recalled my relationship with M and what would have happened if she and i lived together immediately after law school and then have the break up. that would've been a total disaster. talk about liquidation of assets and liabilities.

***
today we watched Click with Adam Sandler. of course, he cracks me up. but i also saw it, no, not for David "the Knight Rider" Hasselhoff (bet you kids don't know who or what the fuck Knight Rider is, 'no?) but for Christopher Walken.

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yes, kids. that bad haired guy standing next to Adam Sandler. that's who i went to see. the man's gotten old but he's still hot.

it was a great movie. we cried.  it gave me a chance to cry and then hug people. why would you want to miss out on the opportunity to tell people that you love them and let them feel the love, right?

***
strangely enough, after we went out of the theater, we heard Orange and Lemons' Abot Kamay playing inside the mall. it sounded so loud. SO LIVE. LIVE LIKE IN THE GROUND FLOOR OF MARKET!MARKET! LIVE.

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so we rush down the stairs to watch the band perform their more masa songs for the audience. we stood in front to be recognized and we enjoyed it. Mcoy even winked at us and Clem was inviting us to go nearer to where they stayed. of course, it's like fans day all over again so we just said our "Hi's" and left. me masaya na namang bata today. buti pa siya. (there's another happy kid today. good for her). and to think we only wanted to watch the movie at Market!Market! because it was cheaper there. oh well. talk about coincidences.

i wonder when i'll find you again. or will you find me?

my ex-honey, The Princess

note: you may consider this a delusional post inspired by another equally demented entry.

that's it, i've had it. i cannot contain it any longer. this has got to be the last straw. i can no longer suffer in silence.

we used to be lovers. ever since that night i met him in the 1998 NU107 Rock Awards, we have had this clandestine relationship. i was just to stay in the background since he's this huge hotshot, being the guitarist of The Dawn, great DJ in NU107 and all. i was forced to keep my mouth shut. i like to keep a low profile.

it was such a great source of happiness for me, that relationship. until . . .

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until he decided he didn't like girls anymore. he wanted to be one.

he was always such a big drama queen anyway.

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anyway, i still love you. i still yearn for you, my sweet, my precious.

anytime you decide you want your organs re-assessed to their original state, i'll just be here, ok? Princess? Francis?

photos courtesy of http://watdat.livejournal.com