Thursday, September 22, 2005

angry girl journal entry 09.22.2005

I was going to forego the whole blogging thing until after the bar exams are over. I already had some drafts saved in my head and in the system about how hard the exams were, about how I assisted my kids in the band to the point that I sort of neglected studying the most important subject of all law subjects, about JD Fortune winning Rockstar INXS, about my simple yet symbolic (for me, anyway – I’m still in chains) henna tattoo (which I’m trying so desperately to hide from the old man), about frequent lunches and dinners with the tall thin cute guy who plays guitar and has dimples, in short, EVERYTHING, after the exams. But like I always say, writing, blogging, has been the forum for people who want to exercise free speech. It is something that the State and our basic law, the Constitution, protects. I write out of fear, sadness, guilt, pleasure (even that of the sexual kind, presence or absence of it), bliss, and my constant, ANGER. Today I feel the need to express that anger. Oh yeah, it was aggravated because i sat through the whole ride home listening to the music in the FX: the Cueshe album. No amount of chocolate chip endorphine could flush it out.

Let me just say this: helping the band makes me forget Ralph. The downside to it is that I have associated Ralph with studying, so I kinda forget about studying as well and this is Remedial Law we’re talking about. Anyway, I supervise the kids. I don’t meddle with their repertoire but I suggest stuff. I was going to let it slide, how she, M, my ex-girlfriend, who is also taking the bar, humiliated me in front of the new member. I was going to let go her snide remarks about the unexpectedness of the practices and how she suddenly finds the time to "listen to and critique" (I think the exact word is terrorize) what the kids have done so far. But I cannot let go of the fact that she made it sound and look like I forced these kids into playing something they didn’t like. She is hell. Her name is hell; just put M in the beginning of her name. That’s her. Can’t believe I loved her for three fucking years.

Just because you are 100 years old, you live with your dentist-girlfriend in your pathetic little world where all you listen to is Paolo Santos, Nina, Freestyle, Side A, Nat King Cole, Michael Buble, Josh Groban, etc. (my apologies to people who listen to these artists, I mean no harm), it doesn’t mean that everybody else is crap. Just because you don’t know or you’re not familiar with the song, it does not mean that it’s not good. Hello?! Even Love Radio, YES FM and 101 For Life play Hanggang Kailan. Akap is in MYX and MTV. I don’t think there’s anyone who doesn’t know Kitchie Nadal. People go to this website just to tell ME they love HER. MYMP has made so much money with Especially for You that even if Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan are still alive; they’re already turning in their future graves! And, hello?! Who has not heard of Suntok sa Buwan? What woman/girl/person cannot relate to the story of a lady who’s sick and tired of waiting for this jerk of a guy who just leads her on? And in case you have forgotten, M, my P.O.T. tape, the one that has Panaginip, got lost when your bag was stolen. These kids, well, some of them, were initially not familiar with some of the songs because, let’s face it: I am the Goddess but I don’t force what music I like with my kids. They can listen to whatever they want, play whatever they want, it’s their band now. But they like these songs after hearing them, so it’s only my influence, but not my choice of songs. And they actually sound great. You can’t play full scale and sing R&B and love songs. People in the bar site want lively songs or songs with edge, assist them in getting drunk. You cannot really showcase these kids’ talents by asking them to play Crazy for You, Constantly and Tell Me Where It Hurts. You play those songs in February, when everybody is in love. Buti nga hindi ako nag-suggest ng Boldstar, Paramita, Sugarfree, Damien Rice, Aqualung, Gavin deGraw, (to name a few), eh di naloka ka. The fact that you don’t know who they are doesn’t change the fact that they play great music, that they’re really good.

Just shove it in my face if you’re a lawyer by next year and I’m not. If you have a problem with the line-up, GO TO ME, TALK TO ME, DEAL WITH ME. DON’T PUT WORDS INTO THESE KIDS’ MOUTHS THAT MAYBE I FORCED THEM INTO PLAYING SONGS THAT YOU DON’T LIKE. Besides, you and I, when we were still together, remember? We said it ourselves; we told Kevin and Jess when we left and graduated that we were going to let them choose their own repertoire. Kevin’s on leave and Jess is here. Sorry ka, Jess and I and even the new member, Aura and her boyfriend, our sessionist, JC, listen to the same shit you don’t like. And you said it yourself, “Hindi na’ko makikialam diyan, pabayaan mo na mga residente diyan!” So don’t give them statements such as, “Wag niyo na uulitin na gawin ‘yan!” because, you’re not supposed to meddle with them. Supply-an mo sila ng R&B and Pop na music book but they have the option to use it or not, gets?

That’s the difference between supervision and control. Supervision is the overseeing of the subordinate’s acts, control is the power to alter, modify, the act of the subordinate. When you come up with a statement like that, you’re controlling what they can play so that they can conform to your taste. That’s meddling.

Okay, now that that’s out of my head, I can go study now.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

there's so much more to Filipino music than the covers

i hate it that when i go to a store and look for song magazines and i see that on the OPM section most of the songs there are from balladeers/acoustic acts who do covers. that, or songs from cheerleaders and bands that are okay but whom i think get leverage because their vocalist is cute/their songs are mushy. how were they referred to by KC Montero? oh, POGI rock.

when i have kids, assuming that i will have them someday, i want them to learn about the real original Filipino music, the ones that speak about our culture, what we go through in the most creative manner. it's true: i am in a band and we hold shows to raise funds singing covers but that's just it. we don't make albums out of them. i want them to hear about Joey Ayala, the Hayp and Rage bands, Cynthia Alexander, Pinikpikan, the Eraserheads, the Dawn, the Juan dela Cruz band, etc. i want them to learn about the new bands, the indie ones. i don't have anything against Sponge Cola, Hale and Cueshe for making it big. i'm glad for them. kaso nga lang, if kids today are open to their kind of music, i hope that they'd be open to music from other bands, the ones that do have good looking members, but have good music as well. i'm not saying the above-mentioned bands have lousy music or that they don't have staying power. maybe i just happen to be very selfish with music. like, the time that Maroon5 and Evanescence became big. Maroon5 has some songs other than This Love and She will be Loved. Evanescence has cool songs other than My Immortal and Bring Me To Life. you know what i mean.

obviously i don't like Nina and MYMP. nothing against them. i am just sick and tired of Love Moves in Mysterious Ways and Tell Me Where It Hurts. they're good songs which when you hear the first time in a long time, sound really nice and good and make you want to sing along. but when you hear them over and over and over and over, it makes you want to puke. i am not kidding. have we run out of ideas that we have to resort to covers? Urban Dub's version of Sade's No Ordinary Love is riveting. when you hear them do it, you fall in love with the song again because they've put a new twist to the song. call me old fashioned but that's just me.

i am also sick of double-meaning songs. come on, Filipinos can do better than lyrics such as, "ang gusto ko sa isang guy yung malaki, yung malaki . . . ang wallet". it's disgusting. i don't want my kids to hear that. i just hope that by the time i have kids of my own, they wouldn't have to hear crap like that. i may not have won any award for being nice or smart or cute or for singing nicely but at least, after a string of asshole boyfriends/girlfriends, really bad songs are not something you can attribute to me.

i just hope people can try to be more open to really good music. i'm not trying to impose my taste of music on other people. i respect what they listen to. i just hope they can be more open. that's all i ask. there's so much more to Filipino music than the covers.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

don't wanna be lonely no more

when i started reviewing again, i suddenly felt so alone. i've been with my friends from the office most of the time that law school felt like a whole new environment again. and i spent some four years here. i felt uneasy. i felt weird. i didn't hang out with anybody so much, except to smoke but most of the time i am alone.

i'm used to being alone. it just gets lonely sometimes.

i know i should be focusing on the bar and not thinking about ralph too much. i also know that you don't really have to have someone to be happy. it's just that, when you're alone, you kinda have so much time to look at everybody else and notice just how alone you are and just how happy they are. there are so many pregnant married women in school right now that i envy them and want to get pregnant (with the right sperm donor, of course) myself. pathetic, di ba?

i try to show everybody that i don't care, when in fact, i do. i try to focus. but sometimes, no matter how strong you are, you get faced with your own mortality: i want to be happy, i want to be fearless, i want to be guiltless. i want less angst on my resume.

maybe i should just go back to reading and not worry about trivial stuff.

the post is open, though.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Rockstar INXS: only five are left

the good thing about watching Rockstar INXS is, if you're not into rock music, you will be. and if you're already into rock music, you will love it some more. after Ty Taylor was eliminated, only 5 people remain and one of them could be the new vocalist of INXS.

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i thought JD's version of Come As You Are was really cool. it really brought out the dynamics of his voice. it gaves me goose bumps for a while, like Jim Morrison was doing a cover Kurt Cobain's artistry. to me, the quality of JD's voice best approximates the voice of the late Michael Hutchence.

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i think i loved Deanna's version of I Can't Make You Love Me better. i don't know. maybe Suzie will be the next vocalist of the band. from queen of the bottom three, she worked her way up. good job.

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now that i think about it, karla is right: Mig does look a little bit like Vic Sotto. of course, without any bias, i love Hard to Handle and i liked his original song. it touched my heart =)

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like Mig, i also now think that Jordis looks a lot like Allona (someone always saying goodbye). she kinda missed a note or two (just like i thought Suzie made a mistake in Bohemian Rhapsody) but it was forgivable. i enjoyed her original song co-written with Marty, Try Not.

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i am in love with the Foo Fighters' Everlong. when Ty performed it, i thought it wasn't that good so Ty spent time in the bottom three. but Marty's version was really great. i love the way Marty is angry but his eyes really seem to pull you closer. oh, and i'm crazy about the original song, Trees. it reminds me of Ralph and the fact that i'm still thinking about him even though i have to study.

i still don't know who will be the next vocalist of INXS and now that i think about it, there are people here whom i don't want to be a part of INXS because they can be part of something much bigger than INXS. i'm not saying that INXS is small. i just know that there's a possibility that if a woman gets the job, i might feel uneasy even if that woman deserved it. i mean, look at the E'heads. Cris Gorra is a wonderful vocalist but i couldn't like the E'heads anymore when she replaced Ely Buendia. just like Marcus Adoro ( E'heads guitarist) said, "it wasn't doing my sanity any good". hence, they became Cambio.

anyway, boi bitch made a comment when i asked him to vote for Mig Ayesa and i suddenly thought that he has a point and you know how i love it when he does: Do we really need another Jasmine Trias?

Sunday, September 04, 2005

it's all about compassion

Question: how was the exam?

Answer: just like a penis: long and hard.

i couldn't help but smile during my Labor Law exam. in one of the problems, the name given to one of the characters was Mans Weto. it really cracked me up. it's Ralph's last name. =)

the guy in seat #5:
first twenty minutes of the exam, the examinee in seat number 5 in room number 402 of the Yuchengco building in La Salle, male, who looked a little bit like my late classmate Vincent (died in a car accident), had an epilectic seizure. then he got back to normal. he said he was fine but he had several mini attacks after that and he had to be led out so that medical officers could assist him. other examinees who are probably not aware of epilepsy kept on making really insensitive side comments which really irritated me. sure, as an examinee, you have a right not to be disturbed in the middle of your exam, but you have to understand, this man has rights too. he probably didn't want to admit that he had the sickness because he didn't want any special treatment or because he was embarrassed. but what if YOU were the one with epilepsy? what if other people made fun of YOU while YOU were having a seizure?

my frat brother who was so drunk:
when i arrived after the exam, my frat brother was unconscious. he was either tired from taking care of the other barristers or drunk. he vomitted in his sleep. i wish he didn't drink so much. i wish they wouldn't make him drink so much. i wish they didn't make fun of him after he got unconscious.

roommate from hell strikes again:
go on, ask me why i didn't rent a room with my "sister" this year. i just arrived from the exam to our bar site. our bar ops chairman, anna, handed me over some food which i took to the Epsilon spot. roommate from hell probably just arrived. she didn't take the exam, she's just there to make an appearance but she wants to be treated as special as if she took the exam. she couldn't find any forks. she "borrowed" mine right before i could say "yes". i was too tired from the exam to even argue. the point is: i'm tired, i took the frigging long exam, i'm hungry. if you're hungry, why couldn't you get your own fork, look for it using your eyes, not your mouth. why should people make a big deal out of your presence? you didn't take the exam, you're not nice to people so they don't take care of you as much. after she left, i ate my pansit and another serving of palabok.

the Golden rule is still, to me, one of the best laws ever formulated: Do unto others what you want others to do unto you.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

here we go again

Wake Me Up When September Ends
Green Day

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends

exams start on sunday again. i just want to get this over and done with. if i don't make it again, i still have three tries. of course, i can't always put my life on hold just because a bunch of old geezers don't think i'm good enough to be a member of the legal profession. but i wanna be lawyer now. i want to be a lawyer not just because my father wants me to be one. i want to be a lawyer not just because i want to prove something to these horrible people who want nothing but to see me fail, i want to be a lawyer because i want people who know and love me will be proud of me. i want my mother jumping up and down in heaven after she knows i passed. i want each and every one of my friends to be happy, that all their efforts praying for me and helping me paid off. i want to be able to help them and other people. also, i want to teach.

it never occured to me that i wanted to teach the law until i started reviewing again. it can also be the fact that i've watched Dead Poets Society and Mona Lisa Smile too many times. you can't really teach the law unless you're a lawyer. i want the people who come in to law school to love the law as much as i've learned to love it. i didn't like law school the first time i went in here. it felt like prison. no, i didn't start liking it because of the band and my ex-girlfriends. but i love it now, and i still have the same idealisms. i want to be able to change the fucking system. i want to share that to whoever comes in and wants to be a lawyer. you have to learn the law by heart first, before you know how to break it. and i want so much to be with the bright young minds of the R.P. get to them first before the system corrupts them. that simple.