Thursday, August 25, 2005

oo nga ano?

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i've been so focused on reading, thinking about this guy from work named Ralph, ways on how to help the Lex Palooza and other people that i totally forgot that it's my birthday on saturday, the 27th. damnit, i'm going to get old again. i'm always sad on my birthday. birthdays are supposed to be happy but for some weird reason, i always manage to see or feel something to make me depressed. whatever.

another year older and i only have this much money to my name. i'm supposed to be some heiress to this fortune which i can't really touch because the old man is still alive and giving me pressure and shit. oh, and i'm not yet a lawyer. i only have eight months worth of experience as a call center agent, three years, make that four years, as a band member, forever the struggling writer. not to mention, i like to run after people i cannot have.

the story of my life. twenty-eight years (although i look younger) and this is what i have to show for.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

a tradition worth saving

current mood: thwarted
currently listening to: Parachutes by Coldplay, particularly Shiver
still thinking about: Ralph and how to pass the bar

Lex – Latin for the word law

Palooza - a gathering of people with diverse interests, musical or otherwise

Band – more than three armed malefactors acting together in the commission of an offense; group of musicians playing together

Lex Palooza is the official band of the UE College of Law. I was very fortunate I got to be part of this very wonderful tradition. There isn’t any other law school, as far as I can remember, which has their own band (or dance group for that matter. I’m not sure if they remember this, but it was my idea to form one. And I have no sense of grace whatsoever. I just suggested it so that they can perform while we rested) and we were the first, if other law schools followed suit. If there was a fund-raising event or just any law school program, you can expect us to be there to perform.

Ever since M and I broke up, and then graduated, there hasn’t been much band activity. Their last performance was the pageant in 2004. I’m not saying us breaking up had adverse effects on the band (they did call us “nay” and “tay” after all), but us leaving left them a bit helpless. Most of the instruments the band used are either mine or M’s and we spent for most of the stuff the LSG couldn’t provide us with. When the Bar Operations Committee held the Mr. and Ms. UE Law last July 30, 2005, a lot of people were surprised that the band wasn’t performing.

I thought about putting up a website about the band over the weekend, a yahoo group and even its own Friendster account. I was already sorting some of the pictures of the band and I even asked Kuh to help me write the band’s history (there’s so much about me and M there after the pioneers graduated that I’d rather not be the one to put it in words). Sorting out the band pictures brought so many wonderful memories. Being in the band was fun. Sure, we had lots of arguments just trying to put up a line up (we all had different musical tastes and had a wide demographic to perform for); that’s what bands do, argue. But we had a great time. The students loved it: it was different. It gave them an outlet, a diversion. It gave us an outlet. We helped a lot of people just by performing. At least, I’d like to think so. We worked long hours, we missed classes, we stayed after classes, we spent our own money for food and equipment, but it was fun.

We met a lot of people while being in the band and it felt sorta like family just being in it. Plus you get that intangible altruistic feeling that you’re able to help people just by performing for them or by helping to attract crowds in fund-raising events.

“I hope to reunite the band” – this guy in Arrested Development who’s supposed to be Portia de Rossi’s husband

It’s too early to reunite the band. It’s only been how many years. But I do plan to revive it, for the moment. Resuscitate it, before it dies. I want to be a lawyer and come back to UE after a decade just to see the new breed of Lex Palooza perform. Darn, I’d even pay to see it. Then the other old members, we'd be there. We’d reunite and play, just for kicks.

Saturday, August 20, 2005


Did you know that the real Ralph Perron works as a hydrologist in the US? Incidentally, the fake one, the one i've been pining over these past few months, has gone back to using the old gray sweater he got from Adjie, the one he always wears when I fell in love with him. it's weird, because most of the pictures I have of him, he's wearing the brown one. Come to think of it, he only started wearing other colored sweaters when I said so.

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I so fell in love with Mig Ayesa's version of Peter Frampton's Baby I Love Your Way. I thought Marty Casey's Hit Me, Baby, One More Time was great, it was the only time that I actually appreciated the song. it was also a great gesture, what Mig did, inviting Jordis and Marty to sing along with him, he could've hogged the limelight. Mig made me so proud I was a Filipino, even if i didn't grow up in Australia.

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Sometimes, when people in the bottom three sing their own versions of INXS songs, and they're so good at it, I find it hard to imagine how Michael Hutchence sung them when he was still alive. Bye, Jessica.


Today is Robert’s birthday. Robert is my college friend, who, had I still been going out with M, might have been our sperm donor. They’re both tall, they both have fair complexion, brown hair, brown eyes and they’re both Waray. M’s family is now based in Leyte (that’s why she and A live together, occasionally, I didn’t say sleep together) and Robert’s half-British, half-Visaya.

I had an opportunity to de-stress today. The guy I was with kinda reminded me of M a bit. They had the same fair complexion, they both have big tummies, they both smell good. For a while I thought I was practicing my smiling skills with M, only he didn’t have breasts and she didn’t have a penis. I had fun. It was quite tiring, though, because it took a while before he arrived. I didn’t. I always had a problem with this, remember? Or maybe it just depends on who I’m with.

Which led me to think: do I still have hang-ups about M? (NO!) am I frigid? (of course, not! i'm a hot-blooded mammal) Am I impotent? (definitely not. i have people who could attest to it) Shouldn’t I be studying right now? (most definitely)

okay, i've let it out. i can go back and read now.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Ria: after a Crow's death, a Tala shines

“All these years, I’ve denied myself of what I really am. This is what I want and what you hate but I don’t give a damn . . .”
- Hurricane, A Murder Of Crows

I loved A Murder of Crows. Or, you could say, I loved Ria Bautista. She was the drummer and vocalist of AMOC. I never really got to see them perform live, except maybe the clips of their live performances over at unTV. They’re good. I especially like the songs Not My Day and Hurricane, and Gray, which is like a rip-off of Teardrops by Massive Attack featuring Beth Orton, but who cares? I loved Ria. I loved hearing her words. I loved hearing her anguish flow through the words of the songs. I felt sad when AMOC broke up. I felt it was great talent put to waste, never to be heard of again.

I took a chance at writing Ria through email when M and I broke up and surprisingly, she replied. She was very friendly and seemed sincerely enthusiastic to hear from me. She knew where I was coming from. In not so many words, we bonded. And even if there were questions she wouldn’t answer directly, I knew she understood me.

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She has a new band now and I’m loving the album I recently bought at Tower Records SM North Edsa (I buy the local albums there in the hopes that it won’t close up.). She actually gave me a sample in one of their gigs, and she remembered me. She even knew my last name! The album by Paramita is called Tala. It’s cool. I won’t, don’t recommend albums just because I’m infatuated with their vocalist. They’re actually very good. I also won’t recommend the album because Ria looks a bit like Eliza Dushku with her hair longer now, or that it’s a novelty - a female drummer who sings, or because Ria is like me. Well, more like M. You get what I mean, don’t you?

“I can’t see me
Or someone I used to be
I can’t see you now
Or someone who used to be you

. . . When was the last time you cried?
I think it was centuries ago
A stake through the heart
And sunrise will keep you away”
- Porcelain / Sunrise, Paramita

Buy the album. Buy the album not just because you're gay but because you're for women who dig other women, you're for women who put themselves out there and prove that they can do anything. Buy the album because the music is good.

Monday, August 15, 2005

because i think homophobia is wrong

i was bloghopping and i found this post really interesting from dark beloved. repost it as well. =)

I am one of the many.

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

because i had to stop reading my law books and see what's out there.

Friday, August 12, 2005

scenes we probably won't see on free R.P. TV

i remember when Willow was still going out with Tara on Buffy, The Vampire Slayer, which is by the way, one of my favorite show because of its mystical content, i found myself more glued to the show. i got pissed off when they wrote off Oz's character (the werewolf) because Buffy seemed to be sleeping with every guy (Angel, Dracula, Spike, Riley) on the show and Willow still didn't have any concrete love interest. so when they presented the angle that she was a witch who was also a lesbian, it was something. it made the whole fighting-against-evil thing a little bit more fun and sweet because they were in love and learning witchcraft at the same time. i still can't forget the scene when Tara was under a spell/Glory and when she snapped out of it, she said, "I was so lost, I was so lost." and Willow goes, "I'll find you, I'll always find you." I CRIED WHEN TARA DIED.

i'm just pissed they don't show the kissing scenes. and they're not even discreet when they cut it, it's so fucking obvious. i was also pissed about the last episodes, when everybody was getting it on the day before they were closing Hellmouth: Wood and Faith had sex, Spike and Buffy slept beside each other but they didn't show Kennedy and Willow's sex scene.

of course, they don't show The L Word here in the Philippines, which is why my groupmates in The L Word meetup group have to make do with pirated vcds and dvds. what i'm wondering about most now are the cable channels showing The O.C. and One Tree Hill. will they show the episodes on the season where Marissa hooks up with Alex?

how about those Brooke-Peyton rumors the way the Xena-Gabrielle friendship was always misunderstood but never really capitalized on? no, that's nothing. the new character in OTH is a Latina bisexual. you should check it out, see if your local cable provider will show the kissing scenes. i hope they do. it's about time we had a good portrayal of lesbians and bisexuals shown on the small screen.

i mean, they should. they owe us that since the stereotype hasn't changed: butch wearing the denim jacket, cap, rubber shoes going out with an obviously straight girl who will leave the butch for the macho dancer. shit like that. they should give us good lesbian TV if they're not going to show the L Word here. (Kate Moennig, I love you!!!)

Thursday, August 11, 2005

if constantine maroulis and bo bice were on rockstar INXS

current mood: exhausted
currently crazy about this song: My Doorbell by The White Stripes (live from the Atlanta, GA Music Festival)

i don't know. what do you think?

first of all, they'd have limited song choices. unlike in American Idol where they can pick from a roster of songs, here, they'd have to compete with the other rockers with the song that best fits their personality. in AI, they'd stand out, of course, considering they were the only rockers there. but this is a competition of rockers with Dave Navarro slowly transforming into Paula Abdul. so you could say that they might have difficulty standing out. but i bet that they'd give INXS a hard time choosing because they're so talented, hot and they're both very sensational performers. oh yeah, and Constantine wouldn't be voted out in favor of Scott Savol =)

among the contenders, aside from Jordis, Mig and JD, the person i'm loving right now is Marty Casey. i really loved his acoustic rendition of Mr. Brightside by The Killers. it was awesome, don't you agree?

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

because i am a bum now

being on sort of vacation, after resigning from work in order to review for the bar exams, I’d had the opportunity to catch up on shows on cable and watch my vcds. I loaded up on them since I missed out when they were shown on the big screen. I either had no money, no time, or no companion. my recent acquisitions which I got on sale were I am Sam, Lost in Translation, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Big Fish, each for the low low price of P99!!! I’m such a cheapskate. who says that you have to spend a lot in order to prove taste?

like I said, I’m not much of a movie/song/book critic, if I like it I’ll tell you to see/listen to/read it. I've watched most of them already, except for I am Sam because of a certain trauma it brings to me: 1) my Dad and I aren't exactly that close, though I wish we were but I bet we never will be and, 2) M and I had a fight then and we eventually drifted apart because she refused to watch the movie because I'm paying.

anyway, I liked Lost in Translation because it proves my theory that a straight man and a straight woman can actually carry on a friendship and stay together in one bed overnight without having sex. yes, it is possible for a man and a woman to stay friends without any romantic emotional attachment to each other and resist the temptation to have sex. which is why I'm still looking for a straight male best friend. whom I will never have sex with.

I found The Big Fish entertaining. Ewan McGregor is hot, hot, hot. I liked the whole storyline and the way everything is so vivid. I also found it funny the way Danny DeVito asks the giant if he heard of the terms "involuntary servitude" and "unconscionable contract". these terms are oddly familiar. =)

I most especially liked The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Jim Carrey is magnificent. no kidding. I loved the way they pieced the whole story together and how they met again. like I said, I'm not really great at reviews. I can never be a critic. well, I like criticizing things, people, but I can never make out anything nice or creative in conveying them literarily (yes, i said "literarily", if there is such a term. it means I can't criticize the way the artsy-fartsy people do. I'm just really really really mean). I'm into lines though; I pay attention to the great lines of the film and it really shook me when Clementine (Kate Winslet) told Joel (Carrey) at the library,"I'm just a fucked-up girl looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours. . . . Remember me." kinda describes my own life right there. nobody remembers me anymore. but they seem to like assigning their peace of mind to me. weird, 'no?

anyway, this is what I'm doing when I'm not reading my law books, helping my Dad, surfing the net or thinking about that guy. you know, him, RALPH. whatever. sure beats pitying yourself.

Friday, August 05, 2005

the rock show must go on

'Why should we stop doing what we love because someone died?',
guitarist Tim Farriss asks.

i agree. just because Michael Hutchence is gone, it doesn't mean that the remaining members of the band INXS have to slowly fade out into oblivion, right?

i saw an episode of the latest talent search/reality show called rockstar INXS, which proves that INXS doesn't want to be buried along with Hutchence. they're even asking the fans to participate in making the decision as to who their new frontwoman/man will be.

my instant favorite, of course, is Mig Ayesa, because i am all for the Pinoy. the man has talent and looks and moves and he's someone i can imagine singing Beautiful Girl and Not Enough Time for me. "I need you tonight. there's something about you, baby." (wait, did i get those lyrics right?) whatever. it would be really cool if a Pinoy led an Australian band and put it back on the map for the future generations of fans of INXS.

then there's Jordis who seems to be everybody's favorite. she'd also be my favorite if i wasn't loyal to my kapwa-Pinoy Mig. she has this really powerful voice and a striking presence. she can tell you a lot of stories with her eyes, although she reminds me of Shakira and Allona (yes, someone's always saying goodbye Allona who tried rock for a bit but didn't work), she has class. that's how i see it. among all the women trying out their luck on being the INXS vocalist, she's the best.

there's JD too, who's cute. he looks like the silent type who may just nail it. i've only started seeing the show but as Brooke Burke put it, he does look like his experience in the show has been a rollercoaster ride. Dave Navarro is hot, by the way (Carmen Elektra, you lucky bitch!), hot as hot can be. anyway, back to JD, the guy has talent. but then, everybody else in the show does, so that's where his boyish good looks come in. will he be the next American Idol, err, INXS vocalist?

honestly, i only started listening to INXS in the early 90s when i finally had access to MTV, Channel V, etc. i started to pay attention to the artists and their songs. that's when i learned that they did New Sensation and all the other 80s songs that i can't pick up at the top of my head right now. but they're good. i hope they make the right choice. i hope the world audience makes the right choice. otherwise, INXS might just as well be buried.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

ralph who?

early this evening i had the opportunity to have dinner with the tall thin cute guy with dimples who plays guitar but has a girlfriend and i was very flattered that he even picked up the tab. it was nice to think about somebody else for a change and for him to actually accord me the same kind of attention, not exactly moping over me, but respecting me and listening to what i have to say, meant a lot to me. i don't really consider it a date, but just hanging out with him felt good.

now that i think about it, i really liked this guy and being with him awakens those feelings but it doesn't really bother me as much because i actually get to talk to him and share an actual conversation and i am not anal-retentive (i used that in my letter to ralph and in this blog and i don't even know what it means), i am actually talking. in short, i am myself. I AM MYSELF AROUND HIM. never got to have that around ralph. never got to be comfortable. because when i think about it, i'm not looking for a boyfriend-boyfriend, i am looking for a boy friend, a male confidant, a drinking buddy, mall tour guide, someone you hang out with (which is exactly what i told him when i first told him that i liked him) for laughs, for tears. but he never really made himself accessible. he really wanted to have this mystery around him and i fell for it.

whereas, this tall thin guy with dimples (ohmigosh, i just used the word, "whereas". i'm slowly going back to law school mode), he was my bandmate, my anak-anakan, my frat brother, my friend, my shoulder to cry on. for a guy with so many talents, he is very down-to-earth and sweet and thoughtful that it makes you think, "what does ralph have over this guy?" and for the better part of the evening, it actually made me think, "ralph who?" O DI BA?

so i can actually forget about him and the references to M. i actually ran into M this afternoon and i just walked passed her the way i would walk past ralph's bay on the way to the bathroom. so it's do-able. we can actually ignore their existence. we'll never ever really know. they might just end up together. that would be fun =)

spell pathetic: B . . E . . L . . S ! ! !

on my last day, which was last saturday, i decided i'd write to all the people i cared about in the office, except for the three people i hung around a lot, jm, jordan and brian. writing to them would bring me to tears and i wouldn't know if it was because i'd miss them or because i'd be relieved to be rid of them (just kidding, guys, i love you!!!). i even wrote to the people who didn't really expect me to write to them, like maxine, emil, william and vince, from shelo's team and vhine, whom i used to buddy up with when i was still a trainee and she was still a rep. she's a coach now and i'm . . . well . . . still bels.

of course, i wouldn't really leave the frigging building without saying goodbye to my favorite epi/echo lookalike. i waited for him to leave with j. akol (yes, that is his name, my favorite wave nine-mate, jose marie akol, jr. a.k.a. ajie, aj or j. akol for short) and the manager who is so nice i could feel her professionalism when she shook my hand goodbye and good luck. i left the letter at his desk, by the monitor, which hopefully he saw and read, before throwing it away. i'd like to think he kept my letters, i think he did. he accumulated most of them before throwing them away, i think.

here are excerpts (get ready with the tissue, you will cry from laughing too much) :

. . . everyday i keep writing a letter in my head for you. don't know why i still do considering it's useless to say goodbye to someone who couldn't care less whether you're there or not. . . you just do and hope that they'd notice somehow the moment you're gone . . .

. . . i'd like to thank you for teaching me a lesson in tolerance and for reinforcing in me the lifelong concept that we like to chase people we know full well we cannot have and take for granted the people who are already there. maybe i just needed something to look forward to when coming to the office and since the Ethan Hawke-Patrick Garcia lookalike i was stalking at the North Ave MRT Station vanished, you were the next best thing. plus i have this thing for tall thin guys with dark circles around their eyes and pointed noses who also happen to be assholes . . .

. . . depression is a state of mind (he did say that he has a lot of depression in his life and he doesn't, not hasn't, but doesn't want to open up to anyone which is why nobody truly knows him), it can be controlled, minimized, it can be overcome . . . you don't have to be depressed all your life, you don't have to have a wall around you all the time, open up to somebody. you'll be surprised at the wonders it can do for you . . . i want you to be happy (and this, is the pathetic part), you don't have to be happy with me, i don't even want you to be happy with me . . .

. . . be happy. . . you deserve to be . . .


aside from M, i've spent way too much time talking about this guy. he doesn't even have a band. he doesn't even have a book or a movie or an album out. time to stop this insanity.

Monday, August 01, 2005

still crazy about magic; tru calling rocks

i've always been fascinated with vampires, ghosts and witches. i don't know why considering i was such a scaredycat when i was a kid. maybe it's because when i grew older, i realized that you should be more scared of the living rather than the dead. maybe it's also in the way they are packaged by foreign producers. Witches sound way better than say, Impaktita, don't you think?

i am an avid fan of shows that carry the theme, i even find myself hooked to the shows long after the whole series have ended. i don't even mind watching reruns. i even cry over the people who die in the episodes. cases in point: 1) when Chris faded away, after slowly dying in Leo's arms; 2) when Angel had to kill Connor and then eventually give him up so he could have a normal life; 3) when Spike gave up his life just to save Buffy and the others on their fight with the First Evil; 4) when Tru tells Nick to ask him for help, and how she wouldn't leave unless he asked her to.

Tru Calling is the series which features former Buffy star Eliza Dushku. she's supposed to be working in the city morgue to help her to get to med school. i had the chance to watch the show for the first time this afternoon. in this particular episode, a handsome fireman, Nick Kelly (played by Michael Trucco) asks her to help him. she relives the day in order to save him and the little girl who dies in the fire. in the process of trying to save the little girl and Nick, she catches her boyfriend in the act of cheating on her, finds out that her best friend isn't as strong as she says she is, her brother could be quite a jerk and that she works in the same morgue where her mom died (this is the episode after the Pilot, so there are a lot of hints here). also, she falls for Nick, they fall in love with each other but she realizes that she asks her for help not for himself but for the little girl. yes, it brought me to tears again.

imagine how nice it would be to meet a handsome, responsible guy who gets fascinated by strange women. as referred to by one of Tru's co-workers, "that girl is hot. weird, but hot". i'm weird. =) i'm hot. =) Eliza is such a butch magnet, but sadly, i'm still loyal to Kate Moennig. love the storyline, though. i guess this will be one of those shows i'd get hooked on again, if i'm not reading my books. which reminds me, i better get back to those frigging law books.