Thursday, June 30, 2005

there is a conspiracy!

note: my apologies to anyone reading this that have the qualities listed below.

i don't think it's mere coincidence. it can't be. it's too hideous.

now that i think about it, all those guys and butches who left me for someone else or not paid the slightest attention to me, they were in love with a girl with a flat nose, a long chin and big boobs. surely, they might have really nice, redeeming qualities. but these are the very obvious.

i am not kidding. call me bitter, but now that i think about it, it all makes sense.

why else would they leave me/not acknowledge my existence?

just because i happen to be really really cute, i have this really cute nose, an okay chin and nani and lani are both small (yes, i gave them names), they won't give me the time of day, is that it?

is it because i'm not only beautiful, but i'm also smart and i have this really great voice (not to mention, i'm overflowing with confidence right now) and i really know how to take care of people that they'd rather run after the girl with a long chin, flat nose and big boobs because being with me will only make them feel small?

what?

***

i think i was placed here just to be everybody's confidant. every communication with me is privileged. my breasts, err, chest is so full of sob stories of other people right now. i have so many secrets of other people locked inside me. i am honored by the fact that they all trust me. i just hope i have someone special to confide in too =(

someone you know . . . oh hell, never mind.

you'll never get the one you want. and the one who wants you? chances are, you don't want 'em.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

i miss my toilet



i really enjoy the sound of my voice when i'm in the bathroom. ever notice how your voice sounds good in the bathroom? whoever designed the first bathroom was a genius. they probably patterned the first ever music studio after the john.

i talk to myself in the bathroom, i get to think straight. some of my best poems were conceptualized in the bathroom. i don't get to do that anymore since i practically live in the office. it sucks.

imagine how i could've avoided doing things to amuse myself if i had time to think in our bathroom at home, rather than sitting on the throne at work. i would've saved myself the embarrassment. had i been able to think things through, i wouldn't do this, that.

sometimes i think, i only use my crush as an excuse not to study, because it's much easier to think about him than the bar exams.

sometimes, all the songs playing in my head are mushy, not like the ones i used to have in my head when i sat on the throne at home. damnit, i don't even get to write poems anymore.

i haven't been able to think for myself lately. i haven't been able to think lately.

maybe now is the perfect time to start.

***

i just came across this really neat website and i found this postcard interesting because it reminds me of someone in the office.

Monday, June 27, 2005

counting the days

starting today, i'm not gonna waste another moment . . .

today is my first day training for a different segment of my campaign, along with seth, janis and dan (as in my Jerry Yan look-alike former crush Dan) . i'm not even sure if i will be transferred, my coach has not confirmed it with me. i won't be able to finish the training because i've already made manifest my intention to leave at the end of july cycle 1. The Goddess will not just be leaving Nationwide, The Goddess will be leaving the company for good.

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kasi kelangan ko ng baon pag di ko na siya nakikita


i've asked ralph (yes, Epi/Echo look-alike actually has a name) out for lunch last tuesday, because i wanted to have some quality time with him before i resign. he obliged and while i don't really consider it a date, and i was pretty silent again (weird, i know), and he was the one doing most of the talking, it was one of the happiest lunches i've had. i want to be able to spend as much time with him (never mind if he doesn't want to spend time with me) and my friends before i leave. it would've been nice if ralph became coach and i was there.

i'll be reviewing again and i don't think i can squeeze in not-so-many days what i had to study in 6 years. sometimes, it's much easier to think about ralph than the bar exams. there isn't so much pressure.

i'll be celebrating another year of worthless existence. that's worth looking forward to. never mind if it will not be as fruitful as i want it to be, again. a birthday is always a letdown for me, but you make your day. choose your attitude. i've learned so much from this company.

enjoy the moments while they last.

carpe diem.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

who says i'm not a bitch?

i get pissed off when people just see me as this nice little girl with maternal instincts. so i am nice, so they call me "mommy bels". SO FUCKING WHAT?! like i said before, i did not come to work to babysit people. i don't babysit people younger than me and i most definitely will not babysit people who are older than me.

sometimes a person gets tired of being nice. nice is boring. i am not nice and i am most definitely not boring. i hate the fact that you can be so nice to people that by the time you blow your top, they make you feel like it's your fault. i don't really care about other people's opinions anymore, never have, never will, won't start now. i hate the fact that some people can be stupid and so dependent on other people at their age. i mean, i'm still living with my dad, yeah, but this is the Philippines.

if you're as rich or attractive or socially independent as you say you are, why the hell are you breathing down on my neck like some kid? i may be talkative, but i put my money where my mouth is. when i say something, i mean it and when i say that i did something (or someone) i have back up proof. unlike you. i hate poseurs. i also hate people who try to make every conversation about them. i may be self-absorbed but my life is actually interesting, unlike you. i am not your assistant, spokesperson, i am not your slave. besides, if you're really rich, how come you can't buy your own yosi?

i can carry on a very serious romantic relationship with an actual human being. i am not the ruthless bitch that you say i am. and even if i was, who needs your opinion anyway?! you and your imaginary friends don't mean a thing to me. get that?

Monday, June 20, 2005

there's this band called ciudad, then there's this band called hale

i have been listening to ciudad for quite some time now. while the band has these really great songs, they haven't exactly been, in quark's words, "raking it in".

then there's this new band called Hale. when i first heard their song broken sonnet come out, i actually thought they were a foreign band. no kidding. they kinda remind me of Toad the Wet Sprocket. then i saw their vocalist. he looked like this kid from 5 and up all grown up. according to very reliable sources, it isn't him. but i am so disappointed how all my favorite bands who have been out there for so long still don't get recognized as much as the new pop-sounding bands, like Hale, do.

then there's the fact that mikey kinda looks like champ (yes, people, they call the Hale vocalist Champ - i suddenly want some fries) but Hale is more popular than ciudad. i actually heard some people mistake ciudad for hale in last saturday's Fete de la Musique. it's so funny.

anyway, i don't really care who between them is cuter. i am just after the music. that's really all that matters, doesn't it?

Sunday, June 19, 2005

I can't think of a title so go figure

people should be able to do anything and everything in the comfort of their own homes, including but not limited to, walking around naked.

***

I’m a self-confessed bisexual. Of course, other people don’t believe that. They think it’s just a front and I’m just a heterosexual who’s very open to a lot of things. Others ask me instead who I think is the better sex partner, the man or the woman. I don’t really respond directly, because it doesn’t really matter to me. I don’t really come anyway, as they say.

Now that I think about it, I was pretty messed up as a kid. I started doing it on my own at age seven and I learned how to french kiss almost at the same age. I had really interesting playmates when I was a kid. Of course, if I came face to face with them now, I’m sure they wouldn’t remember the slightest thing that they taught me, or the things we used to do together, no pun intended. And while I’ve always been boyish, I’ve always been the femme in my past relationships. Not that I prefer butches, I’m just inclined to them in some way which would lead others to conclude that I’m still a girl, because I still like guys. I’m into girls who look like guys. Not necessarily.

Before I used to think that sex with a woman is like masturbation only you have a partner. Not that having sex with a man is better. Men in bed are selfish by nature. I should know. A great number of women would attest that sex with a man is far more satisfying, only you’d have to be careful, for fear of pregnancy. Some of them would probably say that the best thing and also the worst thing with having sex with a woman is the fact that you won’t get pregnant. No comment.

The first time I had sex with a man after the breakup, I was uneasy. Sure, Link was pretty helpful, but I felt very uncomfortable. I looked for breasts. Call me weird, but that's how I felt. It felt strange to be naked in front of a man, after all those years.

The first time I had kissed a girl, and this was really early in life, I felt weird, too. I didn't know what to do. When I got older, it became more natural. I had even become very aggressive when it came to that situation. When I liked someone from the same sex, I would tell them right away. I'd kiss them right away, too. Me and my flirtatious little mouth.

I’ve had sex with men; I’ve made love to men. I’ve made love to women and they made love to me. If you’re a heterosexual guy, don’t ask me how, use your imagination. But I have never had sex with a woman. Maybe that is the difference, which is why I cannot compare: I don’t have sex with women, I make love to them. Regardless of performance, the fact that you love that person makes it all the more satisfying. This is why I think I’m a bisexual.




note: this is one of those things i can't finish again, i don't know why.

Friday, June 17, 2005

being a lawyer doesn't change the fact that you're an asshole

i saw my ex today, the one who did make it to the bar (hard to keep track when you have a lot of exs and all of them are assholes). the asshole who looks like a really bad looking farmer, that ex. i got to talk to him for a while before i went over to school to pick up my certificate.

it was a brief but very irritating encounter. guy tells you you're pretty, tells you your tummy is bulging then tells you these one-liners that you shouldn't go swimming because nobody who went swimming on that day passed the bar and only the ones who just watched people swim made it.

okay.

but you're still ugly, fat, jobless, and very much in love with me. pity you.

i'm cute, i'm considerably over my ideal weight, i'm not a lawyer but i have a job and i don't have feelings for you anymore.

how's that?

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

i can't stop smiling and i didn't even get laid

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really now.

i'm just so proud of myself. it's not even the leap year.

how many women do you know would put themselves out there and ask a guy out, risking rejection and embarrassment?

i didn't really like the way i started out: giving letters, chocolates, calling him without giving out my name. it's so high school. like i said, i do not like regressing.

i like using the direct approach, whether i'm talking to a guy or a girl i like. you save time, effort, money. you don't have to waste so much time pining over this person. if s/he does not like you, you move on to the next asshole err, person.

so i told him. we actually had a nice conversation. really.

i'm just so proud of myself. i mean, i can talk to anybody. well, anybody except someone i really, really like. i don't even care if he does not like me. i'm just happy i got this over and done with. it helps keep me sane so i can think about more important things. like the bar exams, for example.

like i said to him, i'm not a walking marriage proposal. i don't even believe in marriage. i just want to be the guy's friend, drinking buddy, confidant, fuck buddy (was kidding about the last part but if he took it seriously, that would be great), movie companion and what-not. we don't have to be "us", because it does not take 6 years of law school to see that he's not attracted to me. but he'll come around, they always do =) anyway, he was pretty nice, even if i could sense that he's rather be talking to someone else (been around guys long enough to be able to read these things) or that he's feigning innocence when it's so fucking obvious that i like him. now that i think about it, i'm probably the only one who does. but that's not the point. the point is,

I GOT TO TALK TO HIM. I FINALLY SAID IT. WHETHER HE LIKES ME OR NOT IS IMMATERIAL BECAUSE WHAT MATTERS IS THAT I LIVE BY MY CREED:

carpe diem.

that way, i wouldn't kick myself in the butt for not doing anything.

besides, they all come around.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

tw7sted has arrived



if all the books i have to read for law school were written the way jessica zafra would write them, i'd be a lawyer by now. but then again, if law books were interesting to begin with, everybody else would be reading them.

tw7sted is the last of the series of books compiling jessica zafra's columns in Today. and unless we have proof that jessica zafra is actually a lesbian with a really prolific mind that she can make us all believe that she can pass for a heterosexual, our search for great Philippine lesbian literature continues.

anyway, i have been a follower of this woman ever since her first twisted book was introduced to me. i made it a point to read all of her books, not that it was an obsession to be like her or anything. her writing inspires and amuses me. it makes me think of my own talents, of my own angst. like i said before, if i were to look for influences in music, i can think of alanis and sarah, but if i were to look for icons in writing, jessica zafra would be the first on that list. she is so remarkable and is proof that you can actually achieve something once you put your mind to it. she has this way of giving you empowerment without actually doing anything. (so what if i'm fat and ugly, can you spell?) and if she is actually a lesbian (because there are rumors), then that's how powerful her brain is, because she can write so well, she can actually deceive you about her preference.

i recommend this book, as well as the other books this woman has come up with, to each and every woman in the planet. she is an icon, for lack of a better term. i am at a loss for words. go on, what the hell are you waiting for?! READ it and dominate this earth!

many thanks to boi bitch for giving me my own copy =)

Sunday, June 12, 2005

of independence and rock concerts

note: i wrote this in 2000, before i knew i was going to get kicked out of SBC, before i lived in a dorm, before i worked in a call center and before i even met anyone special in particular from the same sex. i wanted to send this out to a particular newspaper but i never really got to finish it. but you get the point now, do you?



the day i was expecting to get my grades was also the day i watched the NU107 Independence Day Sessions. to my dad, all i did the whole summer was watch tv, go to the movies, use the phone and listen to my favorite rock station. to me, i did all those things to keep my mind off my grades; about whether i flunked any subject or not, about whether i was going to finish in the same law school. my friend beth and i ended up watching the show without me getting my grades and were told to come back the next day. we've been so psyched with the idea of studying law together because she was an incoming freshman. i have been looking forward all summer to see my grades. how can you enjoy a rock concert when at the back of your head you're worried about getting kicked out of law school? where will i transfer? what if i had to go back to first year again again (in SBC, you get delayed for a whole sem when you flunk something)? what if my Dad blames my listening to rock bands and going to gigs for my failures? what if . . . ?



beth advised me to have fun as much as i could and to stop worrying. thinking about my grades would ruin the night.



half of my body was out of that law school anyway. let me make this clear: I DID NOT STUDY LAW BECAUSE OF ALLY MCBEAL. my love life is in a sorry state as it is, i don't have to study law to be pathetic. my mind wasn't at law school at all. i wanted to be a psychologist, or a businesswoman, or even a DJ (in a rock station, of course). i could not imagine myself defending another person in court, but my Dad said i wouldn't amount to anything if i didn't become a lawyer. come to think of it, most of the major decisions of my life were controlled by my Dad: what i'll take up in college, what activities i'll join, when i'll get married and have kids and so on and so forth. my father is a frustrated lawyer, you see. he would go as far as choosing my friends, or even the music i listen to, if he could help it. to him, it's simple obedience, a consolation for the hard work he's going through to put a roof over my head. to me, it's manipulation. i feel like the puppet in the Matchbox20 video for Push. if you're not familiar with that (in which case, you've been living under a rock), think N'Sync's Bye Bye Bye.



but then again, if i don't finish law, i wouldn't know what to do anyway. i've been so used to my Dad making decisions for me that if i stop studying now, i wouldn't know what to do.



so have fun, i did. it felt great to be there and watch all of my favorite rock bands. i rarely go out so when i do, i consider it a major event. it was very liberating. i got to jump in the mosh pit, i got to sing with Marc Abaya of Sandwich. the whole crowd actually, sang Butterfly Carnival with him. and while i didn't go there for community singing, it was a great bonding experience: i wasn't just listening to him, i was singing with him. it's ironic how for one moment, in a place filled with booze, smoke and sweat, i considered myself free. my Dad doesn't get that. all he knew was that i was in a noisy place where i can catch second hand smoke. he even thinks that most of the band members i like are drop-outs who do drugs. what he doesn't know is that most of these band members come from good schools. some of them even have day jobs. as for the drugs, whether these band members do take them is none of my business. i think i'm old enough to know that drugs are bad for my health and i won't just do them because this or that band member does them. i may have had "kodak moments" in my law recitations, but i'm certainly not that dumb.



i'm not writing this in order to glorify the rock and roll lifestyle, if there is such a thing. i think it's just a term coined by the media to label people and music they cannot understand. i really admire these bands. these are the people who had the balls to do what i couldn't: they followed their dream despite adverse public opinion and severe parent disapproval. they had the guts to say that they don't want to be lawyers, doctors or accountants just like their parents were. they were not a bunch of shouldabeens like most of us are, who can't speak up about what we want, either out of fear of rejection or fear of actually making the decision on our own. we just keep silent until the day we grow old and look back and say, "i should have been a singer" or "i could've been a painter".

when i'm 40 and earning lots of money from setting drug lords free and these band members are a bunch of bygones, people will probably say that i'm more well off, that i'm better because i didn't waste my time writing stupid songs (i've heard more insipid songs from Britney, et al, if you ask me) and selling albums that require me to break my vocal chords. but a rock star could be earning now what i'll only be starting to earn when i reach 40. and, between the rock star and me, he'd probably say to me, "hey, i had more fun than you did" and you know what? he's probably right.

i understand that since i'm his only daughter, it is but natural for him to be protective of me and to see to it that i tread the right path. but isn't that the whole purpose of educating your child, to allow him to think for himself, to allow him to make mistakes and to allow him to learn from those mistakes?

i told you i didn't get to finish it. but like i said, you get the point, don't you?

Thursday, June 09, 2005

coming up with my own version

i saw this on a great number of beautiful women's blogs and i decided to come up with my own version. i couldn't really get a real serious answer from my brain at the moment since i'm so preoccupied with trying to be this cute heterosexual female trying to get this schmuck's attention. i only succeed at being cute, but not really in getting his attention. but here it is:

if i could be in one place right now, i'd be in London, England or in New York. i really would like to travel and London is a place i'd like to explore, just don't know why. i like New York for the fact that the place is interesting. also, i have a lot of stupid customers i want to slaughter in NY. =)

if i could give something of myself to him, it would be my undying kakulitan, because i know we could really get along if only he'd notice. my love as well, i would give him my love and my everything, just like i was ready to leave my inheritance for M before. before, like before she dumped me.

if i could take someone to a romantic rendezvous, it would be in Paris. of course, i'd have to have someone to take to Paris in the first place. i believe M wanted to go to Paris before. guess she'll be taking someone else, huh? i want to take him to Paris, because he reminds me of M, even if he doesn't have M's brown eyes.

if i could make one dream come true, it would be to rid this country of poverty. i also want to decongest the National Penitentiary in Muntinglupa. those people are paying dearly for their crimes in there, alright. but they still have to live in basic human conditions just like everybody else.

if i could do real magic, i would wipe out all the corrupt people in the government, all the homophobic people in the neighborhood and all the bigots in the world.

i am inviting fellow bloggers to come up with their own version, just like i made gaya the other people who have their own blogs. now that i think about it, i don't like answering these things because they just bring out the rotten beauty contestant in me. that, or the bitter ex-girlfriend of M. or the bitter ignored admirer of this guy at work. anyway, i'm inviting the following people: jordan, ain, karla, che, lala, tina and everybody else who's reading this who's not as pathetic as i am at the moment. o di ba?

Monday, June 06, 2005

i've grown to be like her after all these years

Shane
Shane - You're fun and exciting; but a little
distant. You never get too connected wherever
you go; but you are able to let your friends
know that they are important to you without
tying yourself down. Truth is you're afraid to
get too attached because when it comes to love
who knows what will happen; don't be so afraid.
Other than that everything's cool; you do things
your own way and encourage people to do things
their own way too.


Which L Word Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sunday, June 05, 2005

what probably makes you different

"hunger hurts and i want him so bad, oh it kills
'cause i know i'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
i got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love"
Paper Bag, Fiona Apple

i used to have this big crush on ira and i felt so uncomfortable around him, i couldn't even mention his name properly. actually, now that i think about it, every time i really, really, really like a guy, i can't talk to him. i can't even go near him. in other words, torpe. i don't know why. i can talk to anybody. anybody except someone i really, really like.

but i never thought of ira in reference to M. i never thought of bedimpled guy who plays guitar in reference to M. but when i saw you yesterday, there's was something about you that reminded me of M. it's weird, because you don't even look like M, you don't have breasts! but you are alike, personality-wise. i think. i never cried over ira. i was upset because he didn't like me but i did not shed a tear. but i shed a tear for you; the fact that you wouldn't breathe the same air i did made me feel real depressed, that i couldn't get to you. not even close. the fact that i'm doing stupid things i wouldn't normally do for anyone makes you special. i'm beginning to be an actual stalker because of you, damnit. and you don't even know i exist.

"say you'll stay, don't come and go like you do
sway my way, yeah, i need to know all about you
it's all because of you,
it's all because of you,
it's all because of you"
Sway, Bic Runga

i once told M that she would be the only one for me, the only man in my life. every guy i would date or fall in love with should measure up to her (that goes for every butch too). i never compared any of the guys i liked to M, except you. so maybe i do love you. i think.

hey, i'm actually thinking now. finally.

for a while you made me feel so stupid, you, you, whatever you are. you make me weak for now. maybe i'll forget you as soon as i leave the office. maybe i won't be so uncomfortable around you when i get to tell you how i feel. maybe i will be like this when the next tall thin guy with a beautiful nose comes by. but right now, i feel like a high school kid because of you.

"so i looked in your direction,
but you paid me no attention
don't you know how much i need you,
but you never even see me"
Shiver, Coldplay

Saturday, June 04, 2005

thank God, you're human

because i don't get to talk to you, i actually have two theories as to who and what you are:
1) you're a smart guy who's too lazy to reach his full potential; or
2) you're a smart simple guy, that's it. schmuck, yes.

you're actually more talkative than you look. you're human. you're straightforward and you have no qualms about what people think about you. that's good. so even if we don't actually end up together like we do in my fantasies, at least, i have this hope that you and i can actually be good friends in the future (one way or another, you'll come around). i like that idea. really.

i will tell you about how i feel about you eventually. and i don't really mind rejection. no kidding. what matters is that i finally let it out. all the guys i've pined over eventually became my really close friends (or SBs). i like that thought.

it's just that you can really like me if you can just see me. i can really take good care of you. really.