Tuesday, May 31, 2005

something about twins and beautiful noses

i have a crush in the office. he reminds me of echo singson. they almost have the same voice although i'm not really sure if my crush in the office plays the guitar too or sings well. echo singson reminds me of my crush in the office. i wonder if he can sell integrated lines and ISW. they're both tall, thin and they have really beautiful noses. you know, the kind that can drill holes in walls because they're so pointed.

sometimes i think, i like my crush in the office because of echo. it can also be that the reason i like echo is his striking resemblance to office crush. but according to my friend, he looks more like epi quizon. what do you think?

notice the nose?

according to a lot of people in the office, especially those who know crush personally, crush is like Dolphy. more like epi, don't you think?

"want someone who looks like you
want someone who smells like you,
want someone who sounds like you"
- Boldstar, Something About Twins and Surgery

nota bene: i can't match the pictures in size properly, sorry :(

Paalam, Supremo

i recently found out that because of certain changes in the administration in my law school, the UE College of Law, my beloved mentor and friend, Atty. Edwin Rey Sandoval, resigned to show his protest. i am filled with disgust. this man was not even an alumni of the school but he embraced our institution as if he had graduated there and walked its halls as a student. he showed compassion for the students, he even smoked and drank with us. the man can sing videoke as well. but more than that, he has educated so many us and he has shared his knowledge without question. he has empowered each and every one of us. this man has given us so much and yet asked for so little: that each and every student who comes in to his class will walk out of La Salle a lawyer. he was like a father to us. the red warrior spirit runs in his veins.

it is so sad that people who did not contribute to the law school's development get to grab power and bask in the credit that other people so rightly deserve. this is what caused our beloved Supremo to resign from his teaching job in UE. i feel sorry for all those students who will never get to experience and learn from his profound mind. i feel disgust for those who have caused this injustice, not just to our beloved Dean (he got unceremoniously removed without any notice and hearing - ironic considering that we've spent countless days and nights learning that "No person shall be deprived of life, liberty and property without due process of law and equal protection of the laws.") whom our Supremo respects, but also for the countless students who long for guidance in that hellhole we call "law school". they do not deserve to walk this earth. they make law students believe that there is no hope for the system because they have not even gotten out of law school and yet, they look at injustice in the eye.

i'm not trying to be prolific but i am just so damn pissed.

here is a copy of our beloved Supremo's message:


i have taught in the UE College of Law for almost a decade. it is a good institution. it has produced good lawyers. it has lived up to its reputation. it has become a pillar among the institutions providing quality of legal education in the country.

about a year ago, a new dean was appointed. he was not from the ue. but his record of public service was impeccable. his personal dedication to the cause of legal education was easily felt by the students. through his personal efforts, improvements were introduced in the campus. morale among the faculty and the studentry was boosted. he has transformed the college of law into what it is now. he has provided the ue college of law with a sterling leadership and a good vision for the 21st century. the changes he brought are there for every one to see. ue is now back in the forefront of the struggle for better and quality legal education attuned to the demands of modern technology and the electronic world.

then came the unexpected-he was unceremoniusly removed! without even giving him chance to pack his things, the new former Dean came strutting around like a conquering warrior of long ago with nothing to boast about by way of accomplishments in the college of law as its previous Dean.

i myself am not a product of the ue college of law but is was among those priveleged to have taught in this great insitution. i have shared the hardships, the pains and the sufferings of its students, majority of whom are working students and children of poor families struggling to be released from the drudgery of poverty for a better life and a better world as members of a noble profession.

together, we have fought and won good battles. many of them are now lawyers. i am proud to be part of their sucess in the bar. at the same time, i share the grief of those who did not make it. eventually though, i strong believe that they will make it the next time around. i have embraced the ue college of law as my own alma mater and i strongly believe that the ue has adopted me as its son. the red warrior spirit now runs in my veins.

i am greatly suprised by this development. is this now the price for serving in this great institution? is this now the way a good dean is to be rewarded? why should he be dismissed ignominiously for being enterprising enough to introduce unprecedented improvements in the college of law and uplift the morale of the faculty and the students?

i am enraged! the red warrior spirit in me cannot be contained. i have to express my wounded feeling and hurts and disenchantment with the powers-that-be. the whole world ought to know how bitter and sad it is to be a victim of unparalleled injustice.

a pall of gloom now envelops the ue college of law. instead of hope, there is despair. instead of vision, there are now shattered dreams. to continue to teach without inspiration from a good father is to painfully undergo a process of debilitating directionless effort. it is self-defeating.

i have decided to quit from teaching in this institution as my own way of demonstrating my disenchantment with the powers-that-be in the ue college of law. politics in the selection process should not have entered its ugly head. the college of law should spared from politics and personal ambition. the welfare of the students should be the main concern.

Goodbye to dreams of a better world! Welcome back to the Dark Ages of savage personal politics and ambition.

Monday, May 30, 2005

do you shave or trim?

it never fails to bug me, that question: do you shave or trim your pubic hair?

hair is obviously put there for a reason. you have eyebrows so that the perspiration won't go straight to your eyes. you have nose hair so that you can somehow filter the "fresh air" here in the metropolis. you have the hair in your head because we would all be bald if we didn't. you have armpit hair because, well, i don't know yet, but for some reason, God put it there for a reason. of course, pubic hair is on your genitalia for health reasons, for protection.


that's something i got from the Vagina Monologues. interesting book, you should check it out.

i hate the fact that guys like to lick you clean but they wouldn't shave their own pubic hair when you go down on them. that also goes for the women i've eaten. well, they were all clean, which is good. damnit, the hair isn't even supposed to be an issue. when you love the person, it shouldn't matter. it should be clean, though, that's for sure. but the hair should not be an issue.

i don't know what just got into me. i just thought i'd write that.

Friday, May 27, 2005

i feel like a high school kid and it sucks because i didn't enjoy high school

“Kailangan ko siya, walang magagawa. Kung kasalanan ito, ayoko nang maging santo”
Ely Buendia, from his Wanted Bedspacer album

i feel like a high school kid in terms of this guy at work, you know, that guy who looks like Echo and Epi, he makes me feel this way. he makes me feel like a high school kid: the kilig, the uneasy, IQ-lowering feeling and shit. i feel like shit. i hate this feeling. i don't like regressing. i'm too old for this kind of shit. this is something i bug my friends about, because they're pathetic. i can't be pathetic. the Goddess is not allowed to be pathetic.

i didn't like high school. i like Ate Shawie but i don't agree with her song, "ang saya ng high school". no, i don't think so. i didn't like high school. so much competition in the class for smartest kid, prettiest kid, kid with the most beautiful voice, biggest slut. i did not have fun in high school. sure, i had friends, some of them, still my friends now. but i was so pathetic in high school, every time i had a crush, it would be so obvious because i never could stop my head from turning to that person's direction, i couldn't control my eyes. i never knew how to act. i was always one of the boys and if i'd try to act girly it would be trying too hard. back then, what people thought of me meant a lot, because i was so into the whole trying to fit in thing. i didn't bloom until i got to college. i didn't start finding my niche until college. in college, i started to have spunk. i was such a wuss in high school.

HIGH SCHOOL WAS HELL FOR ME, in terms of crushes. they were always after the cute girl with long hair and white complexion, and may i add, this is usually the girl who wore pink in school occasions. sorry, i don't like pink. won't start to. anyway, more often than not, i'm this guy's bridge to that girl. it's pathetic. i would start singing love songs, the really mushy ones (eew, this is bringing back so many eeky memories), but they wouldn't really see me because they'd much rather pay attention to the cuter, fairer, long-haired girl in pink.

that's what i feel right now. i feel small, i feel low, i feel ugly, I FEEL LIKE SHIT!!! it's like, i will always never be pretty enough, or cute enough, or smart enough or sexy enough or even girl enough for this guy. i will not change for this guy. just picking out something to wear that's not black but looks good requires so much effort on my part. and he's not even that attractive. i know so because i'm probably the only stupid girl at work who has a crush on him.

i hate the fact that some schmuck can make me feel like shit without doing anything. he can make me feel so low just by being himself. i hate that feeling that some guy can have that effect on me, without even trying to. i hate the fact that he can actually reduce my IQ to the negative.

this is not nice. this is not good. i've managed to surpass this stage already and i don't want to go back. it's not nice to regress. i'm supposed to be a smart woman. i'm not supposed to have these feelings anymore. it's a pride thing. i was so good at being this ruthless numb bitch. i've never felt this uneasy since . . . see? i can't even remember.

i don't like this feeling. it sucks.

she's your idol, not mine

i stayed in the office really late, i read my reviewers in between commercial breaks, when i wasn't chatting with brian about his recently discovered love life only to find out that america had preferred tweetums over soul.

of course, i like carrie. she's actually really good. but like i said, america could've used the rocker idol in bo bice. it was also good to see constantine again. my only consolation is that bo can probably be like clay aiken - you know, you didn't win but you turn out to be more popular than the actual american idol. like i said, only a few people can relate to country music, unlike rock which is very diverse and flexible.

hope you sell as much as they think you would. i did like the song though, Inside Your Heaven and Bless The Broken Road and i like her rendition of Angels Brought Me Here. that's about it. =)

Thursday, May 26, 2005

i thought it meant nothing to you

i'm here at work, waiting for the results show of AI Season 4. i couldn't go home to watch the show because one tv is currently broken and the other's cable connection is not too good. I HOPE BO WINS!!!

anyway, i did something pretty stupid last friday when tina visited me. they invited me and tina over to their table because they wanted to learn more about the company she worked for (i knew that that was the only reason they invited us - nai-table na naman si akesh!) i was in front of a friend, a coach and crush who looks like Echo Singson (i wonder why only i think so. i swear to God, i have to have that picture scanned!) were drinking in the same place. this is where tina said she preferred this other guy (donnie) over ELA and coined the term that he looks more like Epi Quizon. actually, most people call him Dolphy, because according to them, my crush is actually very funny. i'd say the same thing, if only i had the opportunity to actually spend time with him to actually say that he's funny.

anyway, tina and i go way back and she knows not to dare me to do something. even if that thing i'm doing is utterly stupid, i'd actually do it when my judgment gets clouded. she dared me to put a mark on my friend's right shoulder and he returned the favor by putting a smaller one on my left shoulder. i texted him, i got his number from another coach. he said that it was okay, that it meant nothing.

then why the hell are you not talking to me?!

akala ko ba, wala 'yun? eh bakit? . . . (i thought it meant it nothing? then why? . . .)

i feel really stupid about it because 1) what the hell would my crush think?! 2) what the hell is he really thinking?! did it affect him at all? 3) what about our budding friendship, did i ruin it completely?

and to think i was the one who said that i don't like big guys. maybe he's the exception. tina said that if i don't like donnie, why not him?

affected ka, bels? kala ko ba wala lang din sa'yo? (are you affected, bels? and i thought it meant nothing to you, too?)

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

sorry, sweetie, you're not my type

i'm so into my crush in the office right now. i'm so into him everybody knows i have the hots for him, including HIM. he is so fine, he's so good enough to eat. my friend tina doesn't think so, she says he looks like an untidy version of epi quizon. i don't care, i want him. i don't really know much about him, which is good, if you think about it. at least, whether or not he is who i think he is, whatever image that i have of him will not be ruined.

there's these two guys who are hovering over me right now, neither of them is my type. one, i met when i was still in SBC, he was my classmate in law school. the other one, i know from home, novalovakia. neither of them will outright say that they have the hots for me, but both of them have made their move on me one way or another.

i don't dig fat guys. this i say, even if i have this ongoing weight problem.

i know i'm ugly, i know i'm not sexy, i''m a little teapot short and stout. but i have taste (proof to the contrary notwithstanding) and i have no time for people who just look at me as some piece of meat. this i say even if there are times when people think of me as this bitch who looks at girls and guys as pieces of meat that i'll take advantage of and leave after i'm done sucking out their marrow.


i just wish that my crush would give me the time of day, the way these two have wasted their time on me. i never really asked them to give me their attention. when i wanted them, they just played me like a rag doll. now, they're after me like some princess. I AM NOT A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS WHO REQUIRES SPECIAL ATTENTION. I DON'T WANT THEIR ATTENTION. I WANT CRUSH WHO'S TALL AND THIN WITH THIS REALLY REMARKABLE NOSE'S ATTENTION. i want his undying devotion and love and lingering scent on my skin. i want so much to take care of him, i'll even give him a bath. i'll lick him nice and clean.

but these two, sorry, i don't like you. you can drop dead, for all i care.

nota bene: am i so mean? nah, i don't think so. REVENGE IS SWEET, BABY.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

i wish he won the million dollars

i never really got to follow Survivor: Palau. i'm an avid survivor fan, i even watch the reruns every chance i get but i never got to watch this season as much as i'd like. i'm very happy Tom won the million dollars but i wish IAN didn't have to take the dive just so he could prove his character and earn back Tom and Katie's respect (thank God for the internet, at least, i'm not that outdated); it's a fucking game, for crying out loud! you are supposed to betray people!

the game of life, onscreen or off, involves betraying people, whether we'd like to admit it or not. even though we try our best to live our lives walking the straight and narrow path, some person is bound to ruin our direction and bring our views askew. they will change us and make us strong and ruthless until we betray others as well. which is why Ian should've won the million dollars, he valued his friendships more than the million dollars. doesn't he get pogi points for that?!

while i don't really know everything, i do know that based on the hotness scale, Ian should've won the million, hands down. i know not too many people will agree with that, considering that he's thin and he reeks of geekiness. but i like 'em tall and thin and with really beautiful noses, sorry.

allow me to wipe the drool off my mouth, will you?

Friday, May 20, 2005

the country girl vs. the rocker

and then there were two.

i knew at least one rocker would get in. and even though i like carrie, i least expected her to be up against bo. no kidding. but then, stranger things have happened. there's constantine being voted out, there's scott staying longer than usual, there's simon saying on oprah that he's a piece of steak that paula the dog is running after. then there's this ongoing campaign for america to vote who they think is the worst contestant. this contest could go either way. but that does not mean that these two are the worst that america has to offer. this is very interesting.

i like carrie, don't get me wrong. she's sweet and she knows how to modulate her voice. but it's about time america had a rocker idol. the man can sing. he has stage presence, not to mention, the guy is HOT. i don't have anything against country music but not everyone can relate to it. that's my take. besides, if america didn't like rockers to begin with, there wouldn't be two rockers in the final twelve and a rocker on the finals. america needs an idol that's gonna change the face of music, or at least, the american idol image. kelly clarkson is pop, reuben studdard (who?) is into R&B and fantasia is into soul. it's about time a rocker took centerstage. acapella or not, you have to admit, bo bice rocks.


Monday, May 16, 2005

zach and joey in the morning, in the afternoon, friday the 13th

i went over to NU107 last friday to visit zach and joey. it was zach's last day before his indefinite leave so i decided to drop by and watch the duo do their morning show in the afternoon.

for those of you who do not know, there used to be a morning show over at NU107 called zach and joey in the morning. it aired 6am-9am, mondays thru fridays. it was a talk show and they played most anything under the sun. i was regular caller of the show. i'd call and answer the question for the day. i was undergoing a radical change in my life when i first listened to the morning talk shows: i was about to start law school, i broke up with my jologs boyfriend and my mother just died. not to mention, i liked listening to people talk. sometimes, i'd rather hear them talk than play the music. it was fun, they were like your friends only they were at the station and i was at home. yeah, yeah, it reeks of pathetic but i got by until i eventually stopped calling. i finally got a life in law school and i never really got to say goodbye when the show bid its listeners farewell.

anyway, they played songs and even played their old segments like Travelogue and The Adventures of Chorro. it was great and it felt sad at the same time. i felt old. i had been listening to them for a long time. it made me feel vulnerable considering that i only knew a few people at the station now, most of the people i know in NU have moved on to other pursuits. i felt really loyal since no matter where these people went i felt the need to follow their next step as they have been very supportive and interested in my own endeavors.

zach still says i'm a police officer wannabe. cute. i'll miss that. damnit, when joey made the Atty. Bels song, i still hear it ringing in my ear. i miss that. call me sentimental, but like i said, they were like your closest friends, they would talk to you, even when they were at the station and you were at home and they'd listen to whatever you had to say especially when nobody bothered to. that, i miss the most, considering i never really knew how to speak my mind until these morning shows at NU107 came up.

i just hope in the future, when i'm really famous, and i get my own talk show, they'll drop by and do an appearance.

in search of great Philippine lesbian literature

i like going to bookstores and i like reading. okay, sometimes, it doesn't apply to my law books, but i like reading everything else. you can put me on a mall and there are only a few places i will go to: the bookstore, the record bar (alternative section), the food court and the bathroom (kidney problem); i only visit the clothes section when i really really need to.

anyway, i am into the whole Filipino first policy (it's in the constitution, read it) that's why when i'm in the record bar or bookstore, i make sure i check out the latest book or album made by a Filipino. i'm quite disappointed because aside from Tibok (couldn't scan, book is with Mommy S), there is no other book on Filipino lesbians, which is weird considering that i have visited so many blogs and yet, there is not one book that deals with our lives, loves and losses.

i know it's difficult to release a book. you have to have a market first, you have to assure the publisher that there are people who will actually buy and read the book. it's the reason so many bands would rather release an album independently. if nobody buys the album, they answer only to themselves as far as the losses are concerned, no more capitalist to deal with.

there are so many great lesbian writers out here. with Tibok, most of the contributors were Filipinos who were residing outside the country or people who refused to be named. it's sad, because if i were a confused teen (yeah, i know, i'm 27 years old and a lot of people still think i'm confused), there'd be nothing to read to guide me about my choices. i wouldn't know what life would bring and there aren't too many Filipino lesbian icons (Aiza Seguerra not included) to look up to. of course Ellen Degeneres is on the list, but the circumstances surrounding her and us (yes, yes, i am one of you, believe it. no matter how i want to get away from the scene, i cannot run away from myself. it is my destiny. wait, i sense a disturbance in the force) are totally different. there's dealing with a narrow-minded society, and the fear of rejection. also, you have to have good material too. just because you're a lesbian and you write, it doesn't follow that you can make a book out of it.

i just hope there would be someone who can come up with a book, a compilation, anything, that expresses what we feel, what we go through, what we need and what we want. (here i go again) when M and i were still together, we planned to have this book, which we'd turn into a movie, about our conversations and all the things we went through as a couple. i could still probably do that, except, 1) M and i aren't together anymore; 2) who could be interested in reading crap - constant bickering between two people who couldn't get enough of each other (at the time); and 3) it will just open so many wounds and hurt me.

i'm seeing too many Danton Remoto books. i respect the guy and the man can really write. but i believe there's someone out there, a lesbian, who can also write and who can fill the bookstore shelves with books, compilations of poems, essays and what-not about lesbians too. someone whos' not afraid of coming out and talking about it, putting it on paper and actually letting someone else read it. someone who can make a difference in other lesbians' lives.

i'd start a union of sorts: i've dated lesbians, i have lesbian friends, i have lesbian blogmates, i look very much gay and i write. i don't write really good but that's a start. but would people COME out and support it?

Sunday, May 15, 2005

OnL goes POP

the Brit-sounding boys from Bulacan are back with a new album.

i'm a big fan of Orange and Lemons. i've seen them perform a couple of times and i've already brought a lot of people to their gigs as well and they are very much convinced of the band's great talent. when i first heard the song, she's leaving home from their first album Love in the Land of Rubber Shoes and Dirty Ice Cream, i actually thought they were a foreign act. imagine my surprise when the DJ said that they hailed from Bulacan. that's near here!

the band's venture into pop can either make or break them, but for loyal fans, like me, it doesn't really matter. of course, there's the initial selfishness ("i heard about them first!") that comes with it, but i am very happy that the band can finally share their music to a greater audience. the carrier single Hanggang Kailan is fantastic, although Beatles-like and its rift sounds so close to Placebo's Hang On To Your IQ.

just for the record, i'm not really good at reviewing movies, music. if i like it, i just say it's great, watch/buy/listen to it. i'm not really great with words in that aspect.

so what are you waiting for? watch their gigs! buy their albums! listen to their music!

Friday, May 13, 2005

in dire need of happy pills

i once read that in order to suppress depression, for the really desperate, it would cost you P150 a pop. while i don't really consider myself that despondent, the thought of taking an anti-depressant has crossed my mind a great number of times. it's funny because, when i was younger, like grade six, i thought about suicide by means of wrist-slashing because i didn't want to do drugs.

i saw jake's updated photos on his friendster account and the new ones show him and the girlfriend. i did not feel jealousy, i did not get hurt. i felt envy. he has somebody that he's been with for like, forever and i don't. come to think of it, i have stated in this page a great number of times that i think forever has an expiration date. i still think that way, but i at least need someone to be with to try to keep forever from expiring. i don't have that. i am such a pathetic little twit.

i can't study. i hardly have time to sleep. my father thinks i'm too fat, too stupid, too weak. i don't get to make any integrated sale. my crush doesn't know i exist. THESE ARE ALL TRIVIAL THINGS. but they seem to bother everyone else so i guess i am no different. i just have to deal with it my own way. i write about my feelings. it doesn't really change anything, it just makes it less painful.

so where can i get those pills again?

Thursday, May 12, 2005

not funny

my friend told me that my crush's crush is my teammate. i tell this story on the way home last saturday to pepsi, mommy S, toni, mommy S's partner and al. then pepsi says that the reason why my crush stands up while he's taking calls is because he's (my crush) checking him (pepsi) out. guffaw.

pepsi is currently suspended right now, and s/he is about to resign on the 15th anyway, which is kinda stupid, don't you think? anyway, since my racf has been terminated again for the third day already (this happened yesterday), i was helping my sup, emon, out and i stayed in his desk every so often. crush asks his sup friend where pepsi is. he asks me where pepsi is.

pepsi was right. crush was checking him out!

office crush who looks like echo singson is gay, or bi, at least. hay, bi din ako. =)

ang sakit naman.

angry girl journal entry 04.24.2005

i'm trying my best to be good to you even if what i really want to do is stranggle you to death.

i can only cry because what i really want to do is stab you so many times they won't be able to recognize you.

you do nothing but belittle me, my efforts, my achievements, my job, my salary. why is my ATM card still with you then?

admit it, you can't accept the fact that i'm much more intelligent than you are, i'm prettier, i sing better and not to mention, i'm much more likeable.

you're perfect. you're smart. you're also balding.

sometimes i think the reason you're so mean to me is because i'm actually adopted.

sometimes i wish i were adopted.

you have absolutely no respect for me.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

the best movie in my mind ever (so far)

office crush who looks like echo singson comes up to my bay and tells me to put the customer on hold. by this time, he and i have been fubus for about, let's say, twice or thrice already (this is my fantasy, i can control the frequency of the trysts)

echo look alike: put the customer on hold
bels: what the?!
ela: put the customer on hold
bels: can't, i'm installing
ela: finish the sale and do call work
bels: (finishes the order) so, what's up?

ela kisses me in front of my sup and everybody in the bay

bels: what the hell do you think you're doing?!
ela: i'm taking our relationship to a new level.
bels: you don't have to, you know
ela: i want to
bels: didn't it ever occur to you that we could get our asses fried because of this?
ela: i don't really care anymore.
bels: what's the catch?
ela: there's no catch
bels: i don't believe you. what's the catch?
ela: well, you get to spend the rest of your life with me.
bels: nah, i think i'll pass

ELA walks out of our bay, feeling devastated, the rest of the crowd disappointed, all ready to get back to work. status quo.

bels: oh, screw it! (then i take off my headset, pull him by his sweatshirt's collar, and kiss him)

. . . applause . . .

Monday, May 09, 2005

white trash is still trash

i love my job. there are so many people i get to talk to. i love the people i work with, they're adorable (although they keep me hostage most of the time, therefore, not allowing me to get some time alone with myself or to do anything else) and they make me feel fun even if the work sucks at times. i just hate bigots.

every once in a while, you get a customer who is not only pissed off with the company you work for, but is also pissed at you for not being white. yes, you read that right, THEY HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT AMERICANS.

you'd understand if they hate the company because of their bill, but to ask in the middle of the conversation where you are and suddenly hate YOU because you're not in the US, you're not an american, that's bullshit. some people are actually nice, they just can't believe how good you are in speaking their language (like we don't have this thing called EDUCATION in Asia) or how technology is so powerful they're actually talking to somebody in the R.P. some are nice. the others just mask their ignorance with hate.

i hate the fact that people who probably did not finish college or high school or elementary can diss you just because you're not white. there is more to Filipinos other than caregivers and entertainers and domestic helpers. Manny Pacquiao is a Filipino. Lea Salonga is a Filipino. Jasmine Trias and Camille Velasco are Filipinos. Lou Diamond Philips, Tia Carrere, and Rob Schneider are Filipinos.

just because they don't know anything about you or your country does not give them the right to belittle you. like i always say, just because they come from a first world country, it doesn't follow that they're not stupid. because more often than not, they ARE stupid. sometimes people who are afraid of what they don't know tend to mask their fear of the unknown by bashing it. they diss everything they know nothing about. they bash Filipinos, Indians, Asians, lesbians, anyone who doesn't follow the same stupid belief that they have. and i don't like it. i may not be white, i may not be straight, but i firmly believe that we all have a place in this world, we all have a purpose, and we all have the same God, regardless of the church you go to on a Sunday, Saturday or any other day of the week.

before people should judge other people, they must take a good look at themselves. the color of your skin does not give you a right to persecute other people. you have to respect other people so you can earn their respect. think about that.

nota bene: i am so pissed off right now. i'm trying to be at best, un-bitchy. i don't think it worked.

moving away from the lesbian telenovela scene

listening to boi bitch's rufus wainwright cd

over the weekend i received a text message from A that kinda ticked me off. she was asking me how i was, which is good, considering that i hardly get a text message from anyone, and more often than not, when i do get a text, the message is not for me. anyway, i got pissed off because she told me that she hoped i wouldn't forget her (or something to that effect) because i said that "i didn't want to have anything to do with lesbians at the moment". this was her reaction when i told her about the sweetham incident. i found it really lame since i didn't say i didn't want to have anything to do with her, what i said was, i didn't want to have a relationship with a lesbian right now. it's different. or, i didn't want to have a relationship with that lesbian. it's not like i'm going to do an anne heche on the people who actually mean something to me. i just thought that text message was lame. now that i think about it, A had a flair for drama at times.

breaking up with M was pretty heavy for me. sometimes i think i can never love anyone the way i loved her, even if i'm already falling (or on the verge of falling) for this guy at work because i'm scared shit it might end up in tragedy. which is why i said i want to get away from the lesbian telenovela scene, and if ever i'd have a relationship again (like that'll happen in the near future), i'd want it to be with a guy for a change. but i don't have anything against lesbians. i still flirt with one when i see one, although more often than not, she's checking out the girl i'm with. i just don't want any heavy drama.

that isn't so much to ask now, is it?

Sunday, May 08, 2005

some pictures of my team

ever since i went into production, i never really got to show you the faces of the people i work with, the people who are with me everyday. here they are:

saroi (hot momma), donnie (yes, the guy holding my hand in a previous post), mae (the girl who likes to make herself look ugly in pictures), jordan ( the rock star who listens to kylie minogue - especially for you), kaycee (one of my many beautiful children), brian (constant cultural field trip companion)

mommy saroi, anna (so pretty, so shala), eileen (can talk over anyone, with or without a mic), jordan (my duet partner, especially for you . . .)and al is standing at the back ( the guy who thinks he is more powerful than the Goddess - fat chance, buddy)

robert (ang poon na mahilig magsuot ng pekpek shorts), seth (hot momma too), pepsi (rebecca, isdachu?), mae playing with her face again, jm (my big little brother) at the back, al wearing a cap (no, it doesn't make a difference, you still look like my grandpa)

the whole team after mandatory training, before the resignations

seth, emon, saroi and gayle. (no, there weren't any ghosts in this picture, it just so happened that it was very cold and we were all smoking)

we're all supposed to be on this outing thingy next saturday. wish i could come. but we don't always get what we wish for.

sometimes, you just want to piss 'em all off so it would be easier for them to let you go when you're gone.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

am i not pretty enough?

the burning question . . .

i was assisting a customer and i had to call AOL customer service. i was put on hold for a considerable amount of time. how long? well, aside from josh groban's to where you are, i had this song to listen to. i thought it was jewel but it sounded too country to be jewel so i looked it up. i wish i could provide you with an audio version of this song but you know how illiterate i am with the PC, you understand, don't you? you could try calling AOL.

anyway, as i was listening to the song, it kinda got me thinking: AM I NOT PRETTY ENOUGH? then i realized, maybe i'm not. maybe i'm not smart or cool enough. MAYBE I DON'T REALLY CARE.

Not Pretty Enough by Kasey Chambers

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh? Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me
I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much? Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh? Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

Why do you see, why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see, why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see, why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see, why do you see
Why do you see right through me

Thursday, May 05, 2005

i have finally arrived!

i have hate mail! i have finally made it! i AM famous!

people actually seek you out just to tell you how much they hate you, that speaks a lot about you. it means you're important enough to them that they'd actually waste time on you just to let you know you suck.

of course the people who love you still love you, they adore you. they will tell you what they feel about you the second you start becoming nasty, but they will sugarcoat it, they will try their best not to hurt your feelings. but the people who hate you couldn't care less if you are offended or not and they will tell it like it is.

which is why i believe that i am now famous. somebody hates me enough to tell me so, and it went out of its way just to let me find out that it abhors me. i am not only loved and adored and respected. i am also hated, feared. i actually annoy people, YIPEE!!!

i have finally arrived! make way for the Goddess.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

movies in my mind

when M and i were still together, she said she wanted to do a movie about us, just our conversations. she said our conversations would make a good movie, or at least, the scenes in our lives were so interesting, people would actually wish they'd come out of their mouths.

i don't remember those conversations anymore, although she's right. sometimes, life could be stranger than fiction. i sometimes feel like i'm in movie, i feel so bad, i wish the Big Guy Up There would say "cut!" and get my misery over with.

i don't love M anymore, although i get A to bug me at times, she says that i'm still bitter over A, err M. yeah, right.

jake always says i can be very weird: i check out if there are cameras whenever we have trysts; i don't mind being naked in front of him but have qualms about stripping in front of a webcam whenever we talk on line (think, pervert, think) - i guess i can't have my own reality show, then.
i just feel at times i could be the star of my own life and not have to worry about my dad, my boss or the bitches in the office that steal my crush away.

the movie would just be like random scenes, the way i have my dreams, distorted, but in full technicolor.

anyway, movie #1 would go, or at least scene one would go like this: on an fx on the way to the MRT station, i am sitting next to the stalkee.
ethan garcia: what's your number?
bels: huh?
ethan garcia: your name and number?
bels: bels, 09 . . . (you wish)
ethan garcia: you work in a call center?
bels: yep. you?
ethan garcia: i, uh, work as a security guard in makati (assuming he really is a cute security guard) . . . what time do you get off at work?
bels: 11am, why?
ethan garcia: i'll pick you up, ok?


scene #2: office crush who looks like echo singson kisses me on the forehead, then on my nose, then on my lips. nose to nose pa o.
office crush: i love you, bels.
bels: yeah?
office crush: bels, hindi nga (really now), i love you
bels: tapos? (and then?)
office crush: well, you're supposed to say "i love you too"
bels: oh, okay.


scene#3: i am so pissed at these two officemates who obviously like each other but wouldn't admit it to each other
bels: don't look at me like you don't know what i'm talking about
officemates: duh?
bels: you obviously are crazy about each other, you heard me. do me a favor and deal with it. you owe it to yourselves (damnit, i wish i could say the same thing about myself and some other person). well? what the fuck are you waiting for?!


scene#4: other office crush and i are talking about his office crush
bels: you know, if you love her, you should tell her
other office crush: yeah, i'm gonna tell her, don't worry
bels: you shouldn't waste time telling the other person how much you feel about her.
other office crush: i do agree.
bels: because she might just slip away
other office crush: i know. so how would you like me to go down on my left knee or my right knee when i tell her?
bels: whichever knee is fine. just go! go!
other office crush (kneels on both knees): so bels, would you be my girlfriend?


scene#5: echo singson of boldstar and i meet in one of their gigs and i'm with my bf, the office crush who looks like him.
echo: that your boyfriend?
bels: yep.
echo: he kinda looks familiar
bels: i like 'em tall and thin, with beautiful noses.
echo: you know, ever since i met you at NU, i couldn't forget you.
bels: really now?
echo: yeah, and if your weren't with your boyfriend, i'd ask you to take me home . . .

libre ang mangarap (fantasizing is free)

Monday, May 02, 2005

America, you didn't!

i've been holding it in until i found the time to blog about it. i kinda saw it coming but i never really believed it could actually happen.


so it wasn't the best song in the whole wide world, but that doesn't mean he should get voted off.

who will you vote out next, Bo Bice? and i thought i was just being presumptuous when i said that only the people who call me over the phone at work are stupid. now i know it is an actual fact.

and what the fuck is Scott Savol still doing there?!

now i have proven another theory: America is so fond of these people because they are all tone-deaf. they hate Simon Cowell for being brutally honest when in fact, the guy has this keen sense of hearing, he knows when a person has the "IT" factor or not. that's what the British are good at. ever wonder why people go to the UK first to launch an act before trying it on in the US? i never knew America could be so hearing-impaired. but then again, you can just watch the auditions and the number of people who thought they knew how to sing and understand why the ones with actual potential got booted off early.

America is tone deaf. powerful country, yeah, but tone deaf.