Saturday, April 30, 2005

for someone who's being labeled as a maniac, i do not like being harassed

case#1: every saturday, my officemates and i go to this place called Maru over at Strata 2000. we go there to unwind and sing our lungs out. well, actually, they go there to make me sing my lungs out. ever since they realized i was such a spectacular performer (ang kapal ko), they wouldn't make me sit and eat or drink, they'd just make me sing. they wouldn't even make me go home. one time, i threw up thrice and i wasn't even drinking any alcoholic beverage, i just happened to be very acidic that day and i wanted so much to go home but they held my bag hostage.

i have also been notorious for "harassing" people sexually, when actually i'm just being overly sweet. but then they say that everything i do or say has some sort of sexual undertone so i don't really blame them, no matter how innocent the deed or the words are. i have no idea why i give that impression.

anyway, this particular saturday was dreadful. my friend, the one torn between two lesbians had a dilemma: both her lovers were in the same place and i had to lie about a lot of stuff. her #2 had this friend who was particularly fond of me. she was so fond of me, she wouldn't let me go home. she wouldn't let me go period. while i am flattered by all the attention, i do not like being called "sweetham", nor do i appreciate being kissed on the neck or my hair being smelled by someone i just met unless you are Orlando Bloom or Kate Moennig. she was very fresh and forward. it was bad enough that i had to run back and forth to their room and to the room where my other companions were because of this whole lying thing, but to be treated like that under those circumstances (the lying and the tension - nobody wants lesbian blood to spill all over the place), and to be pressured to answer the question, "ano, tayo na?" (so, would you like to be an item?) really irritated me.

i don't have anything against lesbians. my longest relationship was with a lesbian. but i am used to being treated with respect, regardless. and for crying out loud, the situation was clear: i was doing my friend a favor by not letting her #1 find out that #2 is in the same videoke bar and i was looking out for my other friend who was being smothered by their other companion. the least they could do, knowing fully well the situation, was to behave and not make it any more uncomfortable or difficult as it is.

case#2: i am very sweet. so sweet i am mistaken for being a slut. i don't mind, i don't care. if people had better things to do, they wouldn't find time to label you.

anyway, i have this officemate who is very close to me, i treat him like a brother. he has been very pathetic lately and it sucks to be around him because of all these things coming out of his mouth. he has been pitying himself a lot that he can be very infuriating. i love him, i pity him, but i won't have sex with him just to make him feel better about himself. just because i am open to the idea of casual sex, it doesn't mean i am open to everybody. i happen to have taste, you know, although some people would find that debatable.

i do not like it when people force me to kiss them on the cheek. or tell me to harass them. i harass people out of liberality; it is not mandatory. i do not like to put malice in other people, and i don't want them to think maliciously when around me but right now, i feel so uncomfortable around him.

so who's the maniac now?

Thursday, April 28, 2005

i still run fast

it's so hard to hurry when you're running after a person who will ride the train and not the train itself. it's a good thing i still run fast.

i thought i'd color my nails electric blue, to cheer myself up. i mean, low sales for three days and i look pretty, i don't see my stalkee. i had to do something to amuse myself.

then i see him. he is so cute.

i had to catch my breath to make it not look like i was running after him and not the train.

well, at least we know that even with all the excess cellulite, i'm still in shape.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

demented stalker song

my friend roxy from NU107 used to call this song "the demented stalker song", i wasn't able to understand why. now that i've been stalking ethan garcia, or the cutest security guard with the really high tech cellphone, i know why.

Secret Smile by Semisonic

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So use it and prove it
Remove this whirling sadness
I'm losing, I'm bluesing
But you can save me from madness

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

So save me I'm waiting
I'm needing, hear me pleading
And soothe me, improve me
I'm grieving, I'm barely believing now, now

When you are flying around and around the world
And I'm lying lonely
I know there's something sacred and free reserved
And received by me only

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me

Monday, April 25, 2005

a rocker idol for America

call me crazy, but there's this weird possibility that the two oldest contestants, the rockers, Bo Bice and Constantine Maroulis, will face off in the final round of American Idol.

most of the good people, they're all great, i know, are slowly disappearing. we're all waiting for Scott to be voted off, after those mug photos came out. but it seems that America isn't just voting based on talent now, they're voting for image as well. right now, America seems to be embracing the rock and roll lifestyle, or the rocker/s going mainstream.

anthony federov is cute and he looks like clay aiken II, but you have to admit, sumasablay 'yung bata (the kid sucks, sometimes). many people might hate me for saying that nadia is way better than vonzell, and if not for that really obscure song, vonzell would've have been gone way ahead of nadia. it's all about song choices and being able to flirt with the camera as well as the live audience and the two rockers have that. they've been on stage more, they know what to do.

six are left. who will America kick out next?

my mariah carey theory

we all love mariah carey. at some point in my life, i have to admit, i was a mariah carey fan. we all love how she rose to the top, being a mixed kid and all, and we all were sad when Glitter flopped. or were we?

when she first came out, we all fell in love with her powerful rendition of Vision of Love and we all have to admit to trying to sing it every chance we get at those videoke bars. then she kept on selling those albums. then this girl nina, who idolizes her so much, keeps on doing the whistling thing that mariah is famous for, at almost every song she comes up with (or covers, i am so sick of Love Moves in Mysterious Ways) whenever she performs. then mariah decides to make a movie about her life and it is so terrible, like britney spears in crossroads. then she suffers a nervous breakdown. like anne heche being abducted by aliens (sweetie, you shouldn't have broken up with ellen. come back to the light, anne, come back to earth) and being from this other dimension.

then mariah comes back with a vengeance. yes, people, she has made it through the rain. all references to her being a mixed kid are now limited to music videos.

i have nothing against mixed kids. or mariah carey's talent. if anything, i am for true love that transcends time, space, sex, color, creed. it's the hair. mariah should never mess with her hair.

when mariah first came out, she had curly locks. most of her number one hits came out when her hair was all in curls. then she decided to show some skin and have her straightened out. sure, her songs were still number one hits, but they weren't as great. remember when Glitter came out? straight hair. but when she came back, after a brief hiatus, her hair was curly again and her new album shot out of the charts.

right now, i have no idea where mariah carey is, or what she's up to. but i do know this: MARIAH CAREY SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE CURLY HAIR.

trust me, i know these things.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

you can't have the 80% without the -5% playing it for you

the writer, director, composer. the man admits still fumbling over the airwaves, even after more than a year now.

i've been hanging out with Erwin on his show again. i kinda laid low after i flunked the bar. you see, when Erwin and i first met, we sorta had this deal, or pact, whatever you call it: he'd treat me if he won the Palanca and i'd treat him if i became a lawyer. of course, he won the Palanca. of course, you know what happened to me.

anyway, two thursdays ago, i received a text message from Erwin asking me if i'd drop by NU for their show. he doesn't normally ask me if i will. i mean, if i'm there, i am, if i'm not, i ain't. so i replied, "i'll be stalking this guy around 9pm at the MRT but i'll be there" and he said, "Oks".

that man is very weird. no wonder we're friends.

anyway, he introduced me to Ramon de Veyra, his new co-host (Mario is getting busier with the two Gweilo's outlets), and we had this nice chat about music i haven't heard of or probably heard already i just didn't know that that was it. it's good to be talking to people who listened to more than just the crap i get exposed to everyday.

ramon. yes, i like his hair too. nice guy.

anyway, in the course of the show, there was this texter who called himself/herself Snoopy and said that eighty percent of the indie music played on the show was great but that he'd give the hosts a negative five percent rating. in short, Snoopy didn't like the hosts to talk, just play the music. which is quite stupid, considering if you like the songs, how the hell would you know where to find them if the hosts won't tell you where to get it or at least, give information about the band/song you just listened to.

last friday, i got to see the members of Sugar Hiccup again, along with their new vocalist, Beatrice. Zandro even remarked that i seem to look thinner every time he sees me. i also got to meet Ato M. Bautista, director of this new indie film entitled, "Sa Aking Pagkakagising Mula Sa Kamulatan". it's like, you met a lot of different people, interesting people everytime you arrive. Mark of Citric Maple was also there. plus, you get entertained with the new music that you hear: death cab for cutie, rapture, aimee mann, interpol, orange and lemons, radioactive sago project, david bowie, sugarfree, try the extra special, (yeah, i don't know some of these bands either), ryan adams, girls against boys etc.

you can't really have the 80% without the -5% doing bringing it to you. unless you want to listen to SexBomb all your life.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

i sat next to him!!!! hyperventilate

i sat next to him at the fx going to the MRT last night. i was so happy i couldn't stop smiling even after i had gone off at ortigas. i wanted so much to strike up a conversation, but i couldn't.

i am so torpe.

and i didn't look cute again. i was wearing this shirt that had "punk" written all over it. sometimes being very obedient to those theme nights in the office in the service of team spirit can be a real drag. good thing i wasn't wearing any make up yet or i would've totally freaked him out and turned him off.

i wonder if he notices that i'm stalking him, or at least finds it interesting how we are always on the same MRT ride.

the radio on the fx was playing new wave songs and i couldn't sing along. i was too stiff. but then again, if i sang along, i would've revealed how far our ages were.

i wish i could find out his name. i don't want to learn more about him because i'm afraid it might ruin the whole image of him that i have in my head. you'll never know, right? i've seen really cute security guards with high tech cellphones.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

hello, how are you? mikey was late

i met mikey of ciudad last night and it was a pretty quick meeting. sorry kids to disappoint, he is not my new fubu. i got copies of their second album.

he was very nice. he didn't have to meet me, considering he got relocated in market market and their weekly tuesday meeting in their office right in front of our building got postponed, but he still did. i even got his number (after i assured him that i wasn't a stalker - well, i wouldn't stalk him anyway) just in case i needed to order more albums. i loved their first album and i'm enjoying the second album, "is that ciudad? yes, son, it's me" immensely as well. it's got a nice ring to it. it's just too bad i didn't have a camera so i could've captured that brief moment. but it's all good.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

i am so ugly right now

jessica zafra was right.

you will never look your best in front of your beloved. the day you look like a troglodyte, that's when you see him.

it's like the universe is conspiring for me not to have this guy. and i am so deserving of good karma right now. given the string of really asshole boyfriends and even more asshole girlfriends, i deserve to get a guy who looks like ethan hawke/patrick garcia. never mind if he does not have brains. i already have that, and it doesn't get me anywhere. the most consolation i get is sex. nothing meaningful anyway. right now, we want meaningful.

ANYWAY, i have been waiting on ethan garcia for three days at the North Ave. MRT station. i tried to look pretty, or at least, human, miss three trains before finally giving up and the guy never arrives. it's like he knows i'm waiting for him and he will deliberately not show himself. today, tonight at 11.30pm, i'm supposed to meet with Mikey of Ciudad because i'm going to get a copy of their second album so i figured, "i don't have to pretty tonight, it's not like i'm going to fuck the dude" so i settled for this black Epsilon shirt, not complementing nor cute, it was our volleyball uniform (yes, people, i do engage in sports other than sex) and this unflattering pair of beige pants. in short, i look really, really, uh, "butch".

i go to the MRT station, like i always do. i don't even want to think about seeing the guy because i already felt stupid the past three days. then the guy surfaces! bracelet, phone, jacket, bag and high tech cellphone in tow. wonderful. then we sit two people apart in the train. i wonder if the kid notices that i am looking at his reflection in the window.

moral/s of the story: always look your best. quit taking pills in order not to be bloated if there is no booking. leave home at approximately 8.35pm. EVERYDAY.

Monday, April 18, 2005

because M just turned 28

i've been having girl-on-girl dreams lately. i have no idea why. maybe because i will have my period soon. maybe because jake wanted to have somebody to be with us but i still couldn't find one who would have sex with us and keep her mouth shut afterwards. i mean, sex with a rockstar is great. but sex with a rockstar AND me? she won't be able to stop talking about it.

i digress.

anyway, a lot of people celebrate their birthday this month. there's my long lost crush laarni; my friend tina; my ex, mike, who is now a lawyer; former NU107 jock and my good friend, tabitha; my friend, rose, who works in the same company as tina but they don't know it yet, there's master guitarist of Lex Palooza, Atty. Louie; the tall thin cute guy with dimples; hot mommy S (still torn between two lesbians) and of course, my ex, M who is now happily 28 with the dentist.

maybe i still love her, maybe i don't. but i keep having these dreams. maybe because i'm getting older too. maybe because unconsciously i want to be tied up, i mean, taken, myself. but no takers. sigh.


she's cute, 'no? she's in my downelink but she's taken na. mommy S and i both agree she's cute. well, as far as women are concerned, i have good taste. i also have good taste in fubus too. too bad my fubus don't share the same qualities. malabo mata nila. (they have poor eyesight) i can't really post their gfs' pictures here. i am so mean. what i mean is, ang panget ko kaya.

mas gwapo pa rin si M. and A. and E. (M is still more handsome. and so is A. and E.)

shame on you, angel, shame on you!!!

i remember watching an episode of Oprah where they featured the lives of 30-something women all over the world and i was waiting for them to feature the lives of women here in our beloved R.P. i mean, we have very talented, smart and interesting women here in the Philippines. we have lawyers, doctors, actors, athletes, senators, writers, single mothers, deejays, guitarists, activists. name it, the Filipina might just be doing it. i waited and i waited. but no Filipina was featured on Oprah.

when i met with boi bitch, beth and tina, i found out why they didn't show any Filipina on Oprah. they featured a very lame, unpatriotic, unintelligent side of the Filipina. the idiotic kind. they featured the very beautiful but unfortunately not so smart Angel Aquino saying that here in the Philippines, Filipino women have coffee and go to Starbucks.


she could've gone to Divisoria and went shopping. she could've gone to Quiapo and prayed, majority of the Filipina population like to pray anyway. she could've gone to Mayric's or Gweilo's and watched Cynthia Alexander or Kitchie Nadal perform but no, SHE HAD TO GO TO STARBUCKS. WHAT IS SO DAMN FILIPINO ABOUT THAT?!

no wonder they didn't show that part in StarWorld. i would've been very embarrassed. i'd want the earth to open up and swallow me.

next time, Oprah, if you or any of your production assistants are reading this, please interview Jessica Zafra or Bayang Barrios or Akiko Thompson (great transition from swimming to sports show host) or anybody who thinks that happily matured women have more relevant things to do in their life than drink coffee.

if this were real, i'd be happy

just because i pay special attention to somebody, it doesn't mean i'm in love with that person. a lot of people have already asked me what the score is between donnie and me. the answer is simple: ZERO. NADA. ZILCH.


donnie is the guy holding my hand in this picture. brian took this on our way home. we actually have another picture during brian's birthday where we almost switched faces but it got lost somehow. will post a picture of donnie's face in the future.

donnie used to be my teammates' teammate who got transferred to another department, along with brian. donnie sings and plays basketball well. donnie speaks really fluently. donnie likes to tickle me when i have a call.

i like to flirt with people, but no, i'm sorry, there are no sparks here. well, none yet anyway. still working on it. =)

i'm still sad.

Friday, April 15, 2005

you're lucky you're a lawyer now

i'm not pretty, i'm not sexy, i'm not smart, i'm not tall. damnit, i'm not even nice. but i do what i can to be a fellow human being to other people. i don't try to scam people.

when i was in college, i was chosen to become the coordinator for our college yearbook. what did i do, i wasn't the editor. i just had to make sure everybody did their job and passed on to their editors what they did. I DID NOT RECEIVE ANY MONEY WHATSOEVER. I MADE SURE THAT THE JOB DESCRIPTION DID NOT ENTAIL RECEIVING MONEY FROM MY COLLEGE BATCHMATES. AND I DIDN'T.

at the time, because we were trying to accomodate everybody and make sure all 25 sections of the College of Commerce Batch '98 would be in the yearbook, there was a delay in bringing it to the printer. the publisher was the brother of the gay man who owned Colorpoint Studios in front of UST.

publisher ran.

away with money.

gay man who is the owner of Colorpoint Studios in front ot UST agreed to save the yearbook to save face. by the way, did i tell you that the president of the UST College Of Commerce Student Council at the time (asshole who thinks he looks like Hans Montenegro) asked me to try to finish it because they were working and according to them, "i was just studying law lang naman" and i wasn't as busy as they were.

the acting VP of the Student Council, went to the US.

with the rest of the money.

the publishing company that gay man hired to finish the job wouldn't exactly work without money. money that the acting VP of the Student Council took. gay man who is the brother of the first publisher who took the first loot would not shell out any more money.

unfortunately, the cutest and most visible member of the yearbook editorial pool is yours truly. naturally, everybody who sees me tries to bug me about the yearbook and their P800.

just like now, after work, i try to check on my friendster account and the first message i see is that of my former law school classmate in San Beda. lucky bitch is a lawyer now. not only is she rich, pretty, sexy and happily in love, she is also an officer of the court now. she writes me a letter asking about the yearbook, like she always did and wanted to know developments. no hi's or hello's, straight to the point.

"ano ng nangyari sa yearbook? madami nang nagtatanong. kung di nyo na maaayos, i-refund nyo na lang ang pera ng mga nagbayad. balitaan niyo naman kame kung ano ng nangyari. " (whatever happened to the yearbook? a lot of people are asking about it. if you can't fix it, just refund the money of the people who made payments. give us news about the developments)

hello to you too. it's not like i held any money. and from what i understand, i did try to explain to her the situation. meaning, she knows that the people who are responsible for receiving money, ran away with the money. what does she want me to do, pull up money from my own pocket?! i'm not rich like she is. i actually have to work in order to pay for my review.

what pisses me off is the fact is just because i'm the only one they can reach, i'm the one they try to bug. never mind if we were semi-close in law school and you knew that i didn't want to be a lawyer to begin with. never mind if i just recently flunked the bar. never mind if i never held any of the money, since i'm little pipsqueak that you can see all the time and have access to, i'm the only one you try to bug and bully.

you're lucky you're a lawyer now. hell for you has ended. mine doesn't seem to end.

find out which song titles describe you

Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:ALANIS morissette

Are you male or female: not all me

Describe yourself: so unsexy

How do some people feel about you: king of pain, so-called chaos

How do you feel about yourself: uninvited

Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: everything

Describe where you want to be: utopia

Describe what you want to be: forgiven, perfect, so pure

Describe how you live: ironic

Describe how you love: flinch

Share a few words of wisdom: no pressure over cappuccino. YOU LEARN

note: i would've gotten the color the way strat_master200 did in his lj, but it would ruin my layout.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

ill be the stalker, you'll be the stalkee 2

"i've never been too good with names but i remember faces"
- The Lemonheads, It's A Shame About Ray

i got to see him again.

now that i think about it, he also looks like patrick garcia, before the drug rumors.

more information about ethan garcia: he studied in san beda; he is probably around 21 or 22 years old or anything around that age; he does live in novaliches, because i got to share the ride with him to the MRT again and he loves to play Counter Strike.

why do i know this? because now that i've taken a good look at him, he used to play at our computer shop. that or he has an older brother and i am infatuated with that older brother, but i am still older than he is. bummer.

finally, i have a crush to look forward to.

him and this guy who kinda looks like echo singson in the office.

my life is boring.

i knew i was either john or george

What Beatle are you?

George Harrison

You are wise beyond your years, caring. A listener, not a talker.

Personality Test Results

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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

can anybody find me somebody to love?

listening to: the sound of my own voice (because the people around me would rather i sing instead of pondering on these thoughts)
current mood: pissed (because the people around me would rather i sing instead of pondering on these thoughts)

why do people have this idea that i'm only after their bodies? don't they even think that i'm capable of having a serious, meaningful relationship with another human being? i do feel lonely too. really. Lord, give me a lover. Please?

currently i do not feel anything for anyone and i can actually feel the emptiness. there is such a big void in me right now. sometimes i'd psyche myself to fall in love with the idea to fall in love with jake just so i'd have something to look forward to in the morning (or at night, as the case may be) when i wake up. i no longer have illusions nor delusions of grandeur, as far as love or forever is concerned. i just need a reason to be here. will somebody ever tell me that 20-word magic line? i am so unhappy. i keep a great facade that i don't feel, that i am numb, but i feel so much hurt.

i'm too pretty to be alone. but then again, i'd need someone equally smart and pretty to be with me, bummer. i don't think i'd find anyone like that who'd be interested in me.

and i don't think i'd want to meet him/her either. i'm too scared.

and damnit, while i'm typing this, paolo walks in, asks for yosi and plants a kiss on my cheek. wonderful. what a way to stop the tears from falling. no more kilig factor for me.

i am so numb.

my life will soon be over

i got a visit from A last night. this is a person who just had her gall bladder removed. she brought me a schedule of the review classes in UE and told me that there will be a discount for UE graduates. of course. last night was the only time that we discussed about M flunking the bar too.

sidebar: i don't want to sound like i'm gloating but i couldn't bring myself to check the list of successful attorneys until i saw that M flunked too. i'm not bitter or anything either, it's just that i didn't want her to say that breaking up with me was the best thing that ever happened to her. i'm not saying i'm glad she flunked, i'm saying i'm glad she won't have the opportunity to say that. oh yeah, and what do you know? mike's a lawyer now. i remember M saying, "pustahan tayo, pag naging abugado 'yan, babalikan ka niyan o" (i bet when he becomes a lawyer he'll try to get back together with you). whatever.

the schedule is going to kill me. i get off work 12nn and then i go to review class which starts at 1pm. when it ends 5pm, i only have an hour to rest and then i have class again at 6pm which will end at 9pm. i have work which starts at 3am, so when do i get home to take a bath and actually sleep? when will i get to rest? when will i get to watch a gig? when will i have sex? =)

when will i actually have a life, assuming that i had one to begin with. really now, WHEN?

Monday, April 11, 2005

debbie gibson classics galore

there was this one day where all the songs that kept on popping in my head were debbie gibson songs. and i don't mean her newer songs (does she actually have any?), i mean, her electric youth days.

i think it was jordan's fault. jordan, my teammate, the rocker who is now with PCS, kept on asking me who did especially for you and wanted us to sing it on videoke saturday. i know debbie and kylie aren't the same person but they were both from the era of big hair and pop frenzy.

"i remember days, now they're in the past. bittersweet days, they went so fast, try to win them back it's a losing fight, 'coz we're alone tonight. you apologize for being you but never justify the things you do . . ."

M didn't like me mimicking debbie gibson. she thought debbie had this screetching voice.

"if you say jump i'll say how high. if you say run, i'll run and fly. just for a chance, just for a moment, should the moment pass us by?"

it's cute, isn't it?

she had better songs then. normally when they change images, they start to suck. look at raymond lauchengco. whatever.

i'll be the stalker, you'll be the stalkee

there's this cute guy i share the MRT ride with every evening on the way to work and he is very cute. he looks like ethan hawke in his dead poets society days but with a bit edge.

i do apologize if my grammar is wrong. the guy's also from nova because i actually got to share an fx ride with him and when we boarded the MRT, he chose the same spot i was in to wait for the train. he almost sat next to me in the train. it makes you wonder if he works in a call center too or if he's a really really really cute security guard.

i hope to see him again. i hope to one day know where he works. i hope to speak with him. i hope he knows i'm looking at him. i hope he looks at me too. i hope he likes me too. i hope i can follow him wherever he goes. i hope to be where he is all the time. i hope to always be by his side. i hope that wherever he looks, he'll see me there. i hope he won't file a restraining order against me.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

a lot of people love me no matter what

so we will take the bar again. when i say "we", i just don't mean me and my multiple personalities, i mean me and a lot of other people.

i'm just glad that i have this really great support system and when i say that, i don't mean my dad. my father is good for financial assistance but when he opens his mouth to say something, more often than not it is to elevate himself. i am grateful that i have friends, real friends who give me support and stay with me despite my many hang-ups.

boi bitch gave me a lot of encouraging words and beth gave me a call just to check if i was okay. they did not know how i'd take it and i believe it was an arm-wrestle through text messaging as to who would break the news to me. they know how i am, they know i have suicidal tendencies and shit so they were very worried even if they know i'll always rise above this. i got a call from alex from saudi telling me that he still believes in me; from E, telling me that she cares; from my good friend, ace who told me that i have a big heart and an intelligent brain and guess what, jake gave me really encouraging words when i texted him that i didn't make it. he told me that he knew i could do it and that i should wait for things to fall into place. i love that guy. link also gave me encouragement. my crush, the tall thin guy with dimples, from law school, he texted me too. A believed in me until the end. the end meaning until she saw that no matter how many times she'd browse the net, my name won't appear even if she willed it.

i appreciate the fact that the people who read this blog, though they don't know me personally, pray for me and have faith in me, despite the enormous amount of shit i place here. it's a comforting thought considering that some of the people whom i know for a longer period of time don't even think i can spell my own name. i love my officemates; they cheered me up although, they still didn't make me rest on videoke day (their theory is that your voice reaches up to its highest potential when you are angry - i agree). they made me sing mostly regine and jordan just couldn't quit it with the kylie minogue classic, especially for you. he wouldn't stop until it was, perfect. to them, i'm still mommy bels, i'm still videoke queen, i'm still the rocker who takes them to cultural field trips and i'm still the lawyer they will get after they've slammed a lot of customers. oh, and i'm still the manyak too.

i have a friend who made it this year and i congratulated her and called her atty. you know what she texted me in response?

"thanks, mami. please don't call me atty. just call me anak like you've used to. hope to see
you soon, mami."

and we will.

i don't blame myself. if i do feel bad, it's because i feel like i disappointed a lot of people, including myself. i did my best, i studied, i read and wrote and did all that was at my disposal at the time. but the people whom i feel i disappointed are the ones who tell me it's okay. so i'll be okay.

forgive him, Father, he just doesn't get it

when i got news that i did not pass the bar, i wasn't devastated. i've been through worse, but i felt bad as to how my dad would take it. he was the one who wanted to be the lawyer in the first place and i'm just living it out for him. i mean, i get it. you don't make it this year, try again and if you still don't make it, God has other plans. it's not the end of the world. he doesn't get that.

sometimes, when i'm really mad at my father for all the small things he gets angry about just to make my life miserable, i want to kill him. seriously, there were times when the only reason i wanted to pass the bar was so that i could shove it in my dad's face that i was better than he was; he never really stopped telling me that i was stupid so that could've shut him up. i mean, he'd always try to win an argument by saying that if it wasn't for him i wouldn't be here now and even if i'd become a lawyer, i wouldn't be one if he did not spend the money to put me through law school. well, get this, i was the one who took the fucking exam, not you.

my dad feels bad because of all those nights he was alone here in the house and no one would serve him his food, nobody took care of him because i was at the dorm. he was alone. he feels bad because he went to church everyday, morning and night and he feels like all that going to church were in vain. he doesn't get the idea that when God closes a door, He opens a window. or that God answers our prayers but He doesn't always answer us with a "yes", i got that from M.

my father doesn't get the fact that maybe, i'm not meant to be a lawyer; or, if i was, i wasn't meant to be a lawyer now. i have a very good friend who failed thrice, went back to fourth year of law school as required and took it again with me last year. that friend is a lawyer now. hard work pays off. or timing. my dad does not get timing, he doesn't get anything. all he can think about is that i didn't make it, we spent a lot of money (he didn't and still doesn't fail to remind me) and it went to waste because i didn't pass anyway, he made a lot of sacrifices and even if he says he doesn't blame me, i could tell that he does.

i know God has other plans for me, my father may not get it but i do. i just don't like the idea that he blames God or feels bad that all those church sessions were for nothing. they weren't; for one, it made him go to church. he doesn't like to. i wish he'd cut me some slack. it's not my dream to become a lawyer, initially, it was his so more than anyone, he feels like a failure. my hopes of becoming a lawyer does not have anything to do with all the other reasons he wants me to become one.

i hope he gets it soon. i don't want to have to stranggle his neck over it.

Friday, April 08, 2005

i don't need your pity

i did not pass the bar exams. i got news that i didn't. i'm okay. thank you so much for asking. i'll be fine. i've been through worse, actually.

i just don't want insensitive statements like, "pumasa ka ba?" or "ganu'n ba talaga kahirap?"

i wouldn't be wracking my brain out like this if it wasn't.

i have great friends, real friends who love me no matter what.

i'm okay.

i just don't want to be around stupid people right now.

Monday, April 04, 2005

i wanna be a rock DJ

listening to superdrag's way down here without you

i first heard this song in one of my friend's cars and it quickly reminded me of the Beatles. he sang it so wonderfully, it's like he wrote the song.

anyway, there are open auditions happening right now over at NU107 and i want so much to join, just for kicks. i mean, i've been listening long enough to know everything about the music and the frigging station, even about the lives of the people who work there. you'll never know, right? i don't have to get the job, i just need to know for myself by trying out and if it doesn't work out, at least, i won't kick myself in the ass for not trying.

i just hate my speaking voice, though. we have this thing at work called PP feedback ( don't ask me what the PP stands for, i don't know either) and they let you listen to your recorded voice as they monitor you and coach you for improvement and my voice sucks. my speaking voice sucks. i mean, let's face it, you have to admit and i'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but for the people who actually know me, they know that my singing voice is spectacular (yes, i am tooting my own horn) and they love me for it. but my speaking voice. i speak great english, you have to admit. although sometimes most of the things that come out of my mouth are rubbish, i am damn good.

i'm just too chicken shit to do anything about it.

i know the pay is low but i've been dreaming about this job for a long time now. it's better than being a band aide.

Friday, April 01, 2005

do i actually have one?

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.
You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.
By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.
And then you've got them exactly where you want them!