Thursday, March 31, 2005

office drama

sir nonie is leaving. ='(



the coolest line manager in the face of our company, our account, is leaving. i really love this guy. when a customer shouted at me so bad that i almost had a nervous breakdown, he comforted me. he let me off the phone for a while so i could compose myself. he is such a wonderful boss. i even had this fantasy that if ever the bar results would come out, he'd announce it over the microphone the way the loud mouth line manager of the other shift always uses the microphone (the sick bastard likes to hear the sound of his own voice even if he has a terrible voice and nothing sensible to say, just for the heck of having to hear your voice over the microphone - i swear to God, a lot of people are like this), that i'm the newest lawyer in our office and that they're all proud to have me. well, too late for that now. not only do i still do not know if i will be a laywer, but sir nonie wouldn't be there anymore.

and nobody will play cool music anymore, bummer. i am so sick of hearing hip-hop, i mean, no offense to people who love hip-hop and R&B and stuff, but if you hear usher, destiny's child, ll cool j, et al, over and over again, will you not get sick of it?! i remember this one time, i think one of the techs fell asleep or took an extended yosi break, left us all tuned in to two hours of officially missing you. TWO FUCKING HOURS OF OFFICIALLY MISSING YOU. TWO FUCKING HOURS. at least, when the techs do that, as sir nonie is so near our bay, he saves us by playing nothing but alternative music. the man's taste is eclectic. but then, he could play anything and i'd still consider it an alternative to everything.

i am going to miss that guy.

***

one of my officemates is in a dilemma: she is torn between two lesbians who happen to be friends. well, they're not friends anymore now (why does this sound awfully familiar?) that they're fighting over her. i can feel the pressure that they're putting on her, not just because she confides in me, but because it kinda reminded me of my early stages with A and M, how i'd want to be with both at the same time and be scared of losing either. they love her both yet, both don't want to give her the time to think about it, much like the whole M vs. E brouhaha i had before. it's tough. and i'm the only one who can understand her. most of our other officemates think she's too hot a momma to be dating lesbians. oh well. oh crap. you know how heteros can be.

***

starting april, aside from the fact that all our shifts will be an hour earlier because of DST (that's Daylight Saving Time, kids, meaning things will be an hour earlier. remember the Cory era?) but there is a really drastic change in our schedule. our team will be coming in, not at three in the morning, but at 12 o'clock midnight. this means, i won't be able to watch gigs anymore, no more stop at gweilo's or 77 or anywhere and no more sex life.

what?! no sex life?!


AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

first, they give me a scare because of this escalation (some stupid idiot forgot that she agreed to let me put something in her account) and i lose all focus and fail all my quality monitors and lose interest in doing overtime so i don't meet my NCH (number of calls handled) which is a qualifier for you to get money if you meet your points to plan then they tell me all sort of things that should be included in the frigging mandatory call flow so that i easily regained my crown of being AHT (average handling time - you know, when you take calls. wait a minute, this also applies to sex, the average amount of time you spend with an SB. i'm sorry for being so technical) queen and now, they're taking away my sex life?

the bright side is, if i don't pass the bar and i have to review again, this is a much easier sked that will allow me to still rest, even for just three hours. i no longer have to go to the 22nd floor to sleep and i get to have more hours of night differential (something that law students only get to learn about in class but not really earn) and if i do overtime, it'll be after shift and not pre-shift like before. cool, huh?

***

i wish i could talk to you the way i could talk to him, them. i can easily put them in their place when they're being mean or arrogant, but i can't put you in your place. i can't tell you to back off, 'coz i can't even draw you near in the first place. i want to talk to you so bad but all i have is a smile, which you don't even want to look at. sometimes i just want to bite your head off. you remind me of this guy who doesn't know i exist. like him, you don't know i exist. you fucking don't know i exist. i have so much love to give.

eew, mush alert.

anyway, i hope these little yosi sessions with you will grow on you eventually. i remember telling my companions that they shouldn't make me alipusta (what the hell is that in english again?!) because if they do, they will fall in love with me. it's a curse. i remember telling jake about it and he said, "buti na lang, hindi kita inaalipusta" and you know what i told him?

"you'll come around!"

bels, uminom ka nga ng kape.

oh well.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

piolo isdachu?!

bels sleeping in the 22nd floor sleeping quarters.

(mr. suave ring tone - - krrriiing!!! krrriiing!!! krrring!!!)

bels: (still very sleepy) hello?
rude person who interrupted my sleep: hello bels?
bels: sino 'to?
rude person who interrupted my sleep: si eric. naaalala mo pa ko?
bels: (still really sleepy but shocked) piolo?!
eric: piolo talaga ha?

anyway, the guy called me up. asked me if i still remembered him. wanted to meet up with me some time when i'm not too busy. got cut off because of low battery of eric's cellphone. but that would be nice. i'm used to going out with guys with girlfriends.

my fondest memories of this really cute hot guy consists of that day when he hugged me and "i did not felt the earthquake". cute guy, thank God, he is a cute guy.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

i are politically incorrect

mood: pissed
listening to: you'll be safe here, spirits OST (eew)
currently situated in: 10th floor pantry (yes people, we now have internet in the pantry)

all these years i've denied myself of what i really am,
this is what i want and what you hate but i don't give a damn
- Ria Bautista, Hurricane, A Murder Of Crows

i never felt the urge to censor myself. never have, won't start now. i have always been an angst-y writer. before i even learned to start talking and expressing my thoughts in the most hostile of manners, i wrote them in red ink first, in those poor cattleya notebooks (these people are getting free publicity from me), and mind you, madiin ako magsulat. you thought i was trying to make my own braille system out of those notebooks. i had a lot of repressed anger that i kept for a long time and those were my thoughts. i shared them with others when i felt they were worthy (or they were nice enought not to judge me and what i wrote) of knowing what i had to say. in that way you could say i was shy. yep, you read it right, SHY.

after i learned to debate, i still wrote, i documented everything that happened to me, whether it was nice or funny or sad but i wrote mostly when i got mad. i couldn't really just go out and kill people so the writing made up for all those times i wanted to lash out and whack somebody in the head. it was a form of release, it was an escape. i'd like to think i'm a good writer. obviously, other people think so too.

i just feel bad that some so-called friends want me to erase some of the thoughts i've already written here. i try so hard not to reveal some of their identities, especially the ones i hold dear to my heart and the ones who are paranoid to actually be identified. the people who've been with me long enough and the ones who don't really know me that well but actually take time to, know that i don't give a fuck about what other people think. like i said, never have, won't start now.

you either love me or hate me. i didn't start this shit so that people will love me and praise me for my thoughts. no, sweetie, i wasn't built that way. besides, if you're a really conservative person, you hate me already based on my sexual orientation, my beliefs, my language and everything else that irritate conservative heterosexual idiots and zealous homophobic freaks. it takes a certain amount of intelligence, broadmindedness and je ne sais quoi to get me. if you don't take a hike. as my favorite writer, jessica zafra once said, "i am not responsible for the happiness of kibitzers".

and so i don't care. neither should you.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

the characters in my telenovela

i'm amazed at the number of people who read this shit. i mean, i didn't start this because i wanted people to read it. i started this because if you stack all my cattleya, corona, green apple and blue feather notebooks that have been my diaries over the years, they would reach up to my knee and believe me, i'm not very tall. if not for boi bitch, i wouldn't have known about blogging. now i'm the one who's influencing my officemates and friends, not just about books and music, but about blogging as well. call center agents, like law students, have an opinion about everything and they'll be more than happy to tell you about it.

anyway, if you're a new reader or if you've been enjoying the ride so far, thank you so much for your time. let me just say that i will not try to please you at all, this is my shit. you either love it or hate it, i don't need you to agree with me, who cares about you anyway?! make your own blog, then. this entry is just a guide, because like i said, you need it so you won't get lost. this is for people who have a lot of time in their hands so they follow the neverending saga of my pathetic life story.

M - my girlfriend of 3 years, A's best friend, from whom she stole me, until i cheated on her 2002, with a guy named mike from law school and E so she left me for her dentist

A - my girlfriend of 2 months before M brainwashed me into being with her, also my friend with benefits

mike - my asshole ex-boyfriend who blabbed around law school that we had sex when we never did (like i always say, "ni anino ng *%&# niya di ko nasilayan")

E - my girfriend of two months, while i was still with M and mike, has a neurotic live-in girlfriend who bugs me every so often even if E and i have not seen each other in ages

link - original best friend with benefits

jake - rockstar best friend with benefits

jade - best friend without benefits

i have a boring life. i come home, sleep for an hour, take a bath, dress up, go to work, sleep at work (if i don't have any bookings hehehe), show up for work, then go home again. i'm still waiting for the bar results that give me the creeps because not only am i a call center agent/nanay ng bayan/sex buddy/rock music enthusiast/submissive daughter/vocalist/bisexual, i am also a law graduate. i irritate everybody because i gave people this insane impression that i am intellectual slut, which is just a notch higher than the normal slut because i actually have brains, that i am only after people's bodies and that i am incapable of a meaningful relationship, whether with a man or a woman. sorry folks, wrong person.

sidebar: i had to teach him a lesson, this guy, he's a coach of the other team actually, paolo, i just had to teach him a lesson. i needed to borrow a pair of scissors. without even looking at me, he says, "wala p're eh", when i especially look like a girl. i tell him in a jokingly manner how offended i was. he apologizes. we get to be in the same elevator, one of my kids, grace, from his team, smacks me on the lips and he says, "sabi ko na, tama nga ko, pare ka". then he asks me if it's true that i'm a good singer. THAT'S FOR ME TO KNOW AND FOR YOU TO FIND OUT. LET'S JUST SAY THAT I KNOW HOW TO USE A MIC =) after everybody had gone downstairs, i make my move on him, in front of grace and two other reps and my coach, emon. i tell him how bad i felt about him calling me "p're" while hugging him from behind (the way i did when echo was at the station the night i met him, you know, hands to the chest), caressing his hair and touching him by the thigh while he was working on something. according to emon, my coach, tinablan daw ang loko. bwahahahaha.

anyway, i obviously haven't found anybody new so these are the few people you will read about here, aside from my teammates and friends whom i go to gigs with or tell my problems too.

hope that makes it clear. just saving someone from paranoia.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

unconventional non-practicing catholic

today is black saturday. i had to work the holy week so i never really noticed that the holy week passed. i didn't even get to go to church. oh yeah, i don't go to church anymore. damnit, i haven't seen my mother's grave in ages.

i'm not really crazy about going to church, but when i got here in the office, i noticed that there was no chapel and the people didn't pray before or after shifts, like i wished a family with goals to hit, would.

i prayed with M a lot before, i prayed with A. while we don't really attend masses, we pray. even when we were in the band, we prayed.

i have this unique relationship with my Father, my Creator. while i don't really ask for signs the way other people do or talk to Him as much, i do acknowledge His existence in my life. more often than not, i even take Him for granted. which means that i do acknowledge His presence, that I do believe in Him, otherwise, i wouldn't take Him for granted. i don't talk to Him as often as i should, but when i do, i try to make up for it.

my life isn't exactly picture-perfect and i am the last person you would consider holy or pure or kind or saintly, which is why i never act like one but i do try my best to be good to other people, make a difference in their lives, the way they make a difference in mine. i know i'm not a saint and the things i do don't sit well with other people. who cares?! as long as i don't hurt anyone purposely and i do my best to do what i think is right, i'm fine. i cannot justify everything. i do not like to be judged so i don't judge others.

furthermore, i don't pray harder when i need something (except maybe a cab when it's late in the evening and my dad will kill me), i pray when i need guidance, when i'm consumed by anger or fear or sadness and i want it taken off. i know He will see me through as far as the love thing is concerned. whatever.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

chance encounters, hospital jitters

i have this sorta phobia when i enter hospitals. it brings many sad memories of people i lost to the people in white with big electronic machines and tubes.

A was confined in the hospital monday and i was supposed to visit her monday night before i went to work had i not been so horny and met up with link. i just thought i'd go there unannounced and then surprise her with my overwhelming presence. just my presence. i couldn't get her anything. everything i could think of to give her as a present is bad for her health.

anyway, i did go there last night, she got transferred to a different room and just when i thought i was okay, i get a message that M was there. amazing, isn't it?

i could feel the tension in the room so i asked M for a cigarette (ang tigas talaga ng mukha ko di ba? dedma pero nakahingi pa ko ng yosi sa ex ko kasama ang dentistang . . . never mind) and good thing, A's sister Carol, joined me. we had such an interesting conversation that i just wanted to drag her butt out of the hospital and leave A for dead. we both like the same music and i wanted so much to bring her in one of those cultural field trips. we talked about A, M, the new girlfriend, A's ex, their family, my dad. it was fun. i'm so glad i got out of there and by the time we got back, M, gf and the others were about to leave. i just couldn't stay there. not that i was bitter. i just hated the fact that the other people had to adjust to me being in the same room with M and the new gf. and she still doesn't know that M only made sulot me from A (was that fucking coño or what?!) and it secretly kills me. it kills me because for some weird reason she can hold her chin up to me knowing she stole my girlfriend because my girlfriend justified it by saying it served me right because i cheated on her. oh yeah, ex-girlfriend. i know M won't tell her the whole story.

do i still love M? what did i feel? did my heart jump? did i get hurt seeing them together? like i said, i am numb now. it bothers me more that i did not feel anything than it would if i actually still felt something for her. no, there were no violins or cymbals or electric guitars playing in the background, not even the kling-kling-kling-kling thingy sound on those flashbacks when old lovers meet after many years. nothing.

after they left, i proceeded to taking care of Carol and A. A always bugged me that if she and i were still together the first time she had an operation, and i wouldn't be there to take care of her that she'd feel bad. well, i'm here now, aren't i? it felt like i was taking more care of Carol than i was taking care of A. i just wanted to see her through this.

sidebar: link is also sick with something and was hinting that it may be our last "smile". fuck.

i hate people in white with big electronic machines and thermometers and tubes. i hate seeing them around my loved-ones. everytime they're around, i'm afraid i'd lose someone i love.

hey, i still feel love. love for people i care about. what do you know? i'm not so numb after all.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

smiling is easy

like i said, sex buddies never run out; they just run out of circulation.

i met with link last night. it was such a delightful experience seeing him again, smiling with him again. it was very fun and i didn't feel any sort of pressure while i was with him. in short, the problems i had with jake, i did not have with link. i felt so comfortable and i was totally myself. i had no inhibitions, considering that jake has this way of pushing my buttons. link made me feel the real essence on why we call our trysts, "smiling".

i never really realized how bad i missed link until i saw him again. i missed our conversations and the way he held my hand and cuddled with me after every session. you don't find that very often in a sex buddy. more like best friend with benefits. link is one of only a few people i consider my truest friends. i am glad at the fact that we are close not because we are intimate, rather we are intimate because we are close friends. i don't exactly know how you'd interpret that but it is a very exhilirating and intense experience. i can talk to him about anything and i can bug him anytime without having the subject of sex come up. we do act naturally in front of people that they don't know how we have this sort of, uh, "understanding".

i even told him to text his girlfriend. funny, jake never texted his girlfriend when he was with me. their morals, it sickens me. i have no morals too, when you think about it, i know. but i try, at least, to mitigate my indiscretion.

i think i can finally finish my poem now. i've been trying to write it and finish it ever since jake and i last went out. i didn't really smile as much but the wanting brought me to write something really deep and in jake's words, "astig".

oh yeah, and he picked up the tab.

Monday, March 21, 2005

jagged little birth control pills



i'm down to my last 4 birth control pills. (yipee!) i'm showing signs that i will have my period within this week. God, i hope i have my period. it's bad enough that i have this whole i-won't-pass-the-bar-exams scare, but to have this looming over my head that i might be pregnant with this rockstar's kid. nah, i can't bear to have that. i haven't even gotten to enjoy the weekend sleeping, i need to be secure with at least one thing. i can't have this thought ruin my work, my life and everything else. i mean, i wanted to have kids, with M. i even had this sort of contract with my friend Rob, because he has this great resemblance to M, that he'll be my sperm donor.

sidebar: Rob and his wife Maggie were recently blessed with a beautiful, healthy 3.52 kgs, 53cm boy whom they named Daniel. congratulations, Trebor!

anyway, i would like to have kids one day, real kids, the ones that actually came from my womb and not some grown up kid who just needs motherly love, affection and guidance from a frustrated 27-year old. but not now, not jake's kid. not link's kid. it would be nice to have them as dads of my blessed little children. like i said here before, they are catches; they're great, attractive, intelligent men who just happen to be faithful to their lovely girlfriends that's why they have sex with me occasionally.

huh?

sometimes, when i'm really pathetic and mean and i just need to amuse myself, i blurt out crap like, "i'm pretty, how come i'm the fubu and she's the girlfriend?!" and i always mean that in a good way. i mean that in the i'm-not-in-love-with-my-sex-buddy-but-i'm-sad-'coz-i-don't-have-my-own-handsome-boyfriend-who-fucks-with-somebody-else-when-i'm-not-looking sort of way. really. other times i'm just guilt-stricken, like, why did i help these men be unfaithful to their girlfriends? i'm a woman, i should be on their side. i wouldn't like it that i have a boyfriend/girlfriend who was screwing someone else. damnit, i had M and i had mike and E but i never really liked the idea of M flirting with somebody else. that was very emotionally draining for me and this situation reminds me of that. sometimes i even get statements like, "you never know if she was doing the same thing, right?". they do not seem remorseful so i feel guilty for all of us. i would not like to bring a child in this world under these curcumstances.

Secretly by Skunk Anansie

I'VE BEEN BIDING MY TIME,
BEEN SO SUBTLY KIND,
I GOT TO THINK SO SELFISHLY,
'COS YOU'RE THE FACE INSIDE OF ME.

I'VE BEEN BIDING MY DAYS,
U SEE EVIDENTLY IT PAYS,
I'VE BEEN A FRIEND,
WITH UNBIASED VIEWS,
THEN SECRETLY LUST AFTER YOU.

SO NOW HE'S GONE RUSTY
YOU'RE BORED AND BEMUSED.

YOU WANNA DO SOMEONE ELSE,
SO YOU SHOULD BE BY YOURSELF,
INSTEAD OF HERE WITH ME,
SECRETLY.

TRYING HARD TO THINK PURE,
BLOODY HARD WHEN I'M RAW,
YOU TALKING OUT SO SEXUALLY,
'BOUT BOYS 'N GIRLS AND YOUR FRIGGIN' DREAMS

SO NOW YOU FEEL LUSTY,
YOU'RE HOT AND CONFUSED,
SO NOW YOU'VE BEEN BUSTED,
YOU'RE CAUGHT FEELING USED.

YOU HAD TO DO SOMEONE ELSE,
YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN BY YOURSELF,
INSTEAD OF HERE WITH ME,
SECRETLY,
SECRETLY.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

my idol bets

now they're down to just eleven and i didn't even notice who got voted off because she was forgettable (my apologies to the people who actually like her). i don't keep track as much as i used to due to the fact that some people have to work for a living, you know.



the more charismatic of the two rockers, i was so elated that constantine made it to the top 12. i saw his early stages, how he auditioned and told his bandmates that he joined Idol and made it to Hollywood. the guy is tall, his voice is powerful although his song choices can kill him early in the competition. he is so cute.



i never really had a female bet until i saw nadia turner perform. she is so hot and intense and while her voice isn't exactly Fantasia-bulous, she holds her own and she's very unique. i never really liked You Don't Have To Say You Love Me but her version made me want to sing the song in the bathroom afterwards and believe me, that's a good thing.



i never knew there were two rockers in AI until jake pointed it out in one of our trysts. bo bice was his bet as he probably didn't know about constantine, or heard about constantine but wasn't as impressed as i was. damnit, even desmond meeks impressed jake, i have no idea why. so i was pretty apprehensive about this one, but when i saw him perform on the stage, i immediately loved him. boi bitch's observation is that, vocally, bo is much better than constantine but the latter has that i'm-mysteriously-cute edge about him.

two rockers in the final 12 is very interesting. i'm into rock, i have rockstar friends, crushes and sex partners, so you will see me screaming and cheering for these three. i know, nadia isn't that much of a rock chick, but you have to admit, she rocks. we all love that.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

crush with eyeliner



i dragged brian and chris' butt to a bar again in one of those cultural field trips, but brian calls them "expeditions" now, and expedition it did become. we almost got lost. Peligro is such a difficult place to find. Copper Pop Thrill and itchyworms! were performing but i wanted them to see BOLDSTAR.


not the rockstar that marc abaya is, but this boldstar is hot.

i have the biggest crush on echo singson. ever since boldstar got featured in NU107's tv station, unTV, and i saw them perform at the tv version of In The Raw, i was so fascinated with the nose, the sideburns, and the tall, thin frame. i was completely ecstatic when they won the NU Rock Award for Best New Artist. they were there, he was there, sideburns and eyeliner included. you could imagine how glad i was when i finally met him over at the station last year, along with jazz and zach told them i was going to be a cop soon. i couldn't resist asking him if i could take him home. when we got there, he and the other members of the band were there already and i got so torpe again i couldn't come up to them and say "hi!" although i did try to talk to jazz after chris left for home and he still remembers me. the first thing he asked me was, "nakita ka na ni echo?" wonderful.

sidebar: jazz asked me if i was the same girl who was a student rock jock at NU107's Magna Cum Loudest because a girl named "bels" was on board some time. WHO IS THIS IMPOSTOR? COULDN'T SHE HAVE THOUGHT OF SOME OTHER NAME?

sidebar#2: jake was there. he was a friend of the band members performing and he totally snubbed me/pretended i didn't exist/avoided me like a plague, etc. i didn't really expect a grand welcome, a "hi" or "hello" would have sufficed or him raising his eyebrows at me in acknowledgment of my presence; that i did try to hang out in places that he went to, just to see him and hang out, like friends do. WITHOUT TAKING OUR CLOTHES OFF. it's not like one look at me in recognition and everyone else will find out that we're fucking each other. it made me feel really bad. i actually felt that he was uneasy that i was there; like everytime chris or brian and i would whisper, he would fidget like he was the topic of the conversation. SWEETIE, NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. everytime our eyes met, he'd look away or close his eyes. great. do you think about my naked body when you do that?!

i am obviously pissed but it didn't really ruin my watching echo. it was so nice. he was so great, spectacular in playing with his instrument (hmmn . . .). chris left after the boldstar set and i wanted so much to hear the new songs of the itchyworms! second album. too bad we had to leave in order to prepare for work. notice that i am not talking about copper pop thrill. they sound like stonefree/sponge cola on a bad day. i think.

sidebar#3: there were so many cute young boys. but chris and brian and i could all feel that they were fucking each other. chris said that he wanted to be a rock star if only so he could fuck those cute little coño rocker boys.

echo did not have eyeliner that night but he was really cute. HOT. and he has such a great voice. well, the voice wasn't as fabulous but the man can carry a tune. i really wished i could have approached him and said "hi" just to test if he still remembers me, but i doubt it. i mean, why would you want to talk to a girl who wants to take you home? i'd run screaming from the room. i didn't approach jake either, they were all together and i was very shy. i take my clothes off in front of him, yes. in front of jake, okay? NOT echo. but for some weird reason, i cannot come up to them and say "hi" or "goodbye". whatever. so much for carpe diem.

between jake and echo, i wish i could take echo home.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

eureka!

i finally found it/them! my favorite books that i have been searching for a long time, two of them were right under my nose when my officemates and i went over to Powerbooks. i got a copy of Jeffrey Eugenides' The Virgin Suicides and Nick Hornby's About A Boy. i did say before that some of the best movies came from the really good books and i wanted to know the difference between the books and the movies.



i have always been crazy about Hugh Grant and the way he portrayed Will in About A Boy. there's something about Hugh Grant, he reminds me so much of link and link reminds me so much about Hugh Grant. there's something about Brit men, in general. which is why we like Travis, Coldplay, Stereophonics, Westlife, et al.



i have been looking for The Virgin Suicides for the longest time, it's what won Sophia Coppola her first Oscar. i don't think that film was ever shown here, Kirsten Dunst and Josh Hartnett. i was just so curious as to why 5 young teenage girls took their lives. it seemed so mysterious and cool at the same time. i don't know. don't take me seriously, i have suicidal tendencies and i wanted to take my life as early as the age of 12, and surprisingly, i am still alive today to tell my stories, no matter how cluttered and convoluted they may be.

at least now, i have something to do during idle time other than thinking about the bar results. bright idea, don't you think?

as they say in the ads, FEED YOUR MIND. READ.

Monday, March 14, 2005

and so it is

i can't find anybody to love as much as i love you.

i can't forget you.

i give people this insane impression that i am only after their bodies, that i am not looking for anything meaningful or lasting.

the truth is that, i don't really care anymore.

i have lost all sense of feeling.

i have become numb.

i can't forget you.

i'd like to think i have, but i don't think so.

i probably really haven't done so.

much as i want to be able to open up with someone, i can't.

i'm too stubborn.

you always said i was stubborn.

i can't find anybody to love as much as i love you.

maybe i never will.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

march is international women's month

i can't believe i totally forgot! i am so stupid! what the hell was i doing march 8?!

aside from being fire prevention month, march is international women's month so y'all shoud be nice to your mother, sister, niece, every woman special in your life. come to think of it, SCRAP THAT: YOU SHOULD BE NICE TO WOMEN NOT JUST THIS MONTH, BUT FOR THE REST OF YOUR MUNDANE, PATHETIC LIFE.

i meant that.

much as i always say that i'm trying to avoid the whole lesbian telenovela scene right now, i am always still drawn by a lesbian cause, or anything lesbian-related. i can't help it. i mean, i still find myself flirting with butches, i still get offended by lesbian jokes, i look for lesbian books and vcds and when people are mean to a homosexual, i am the first to lash out a mouthful against these heterosexual fiends. i simply can't help it. i'm not sure if it's the lesbian feminist in me (as i have multiple personalities), or if it's the lawyer, i just hate it when people are mean to lesbians. lesbians are women still, and yes, lesbians are people too.

i have yet to see a real concrete great image of the lesbian in Philippine television or the movies (Aiza Seguerra not counted), and back when M and i were still together, we discussed this a lot. there's always the butch stereotype of the cap, maong jacket and denim pants folded in a very ugly fashion, and the femme is supposed to be this straight woman with a straight paramour whom she feeds with the butch's money. then there's the i-made-a-mistake-i-dig-guys-now type (hello, Desiree Del Valle), who make it feel like marrying another woman is a disease and there's the Jack-and-Jill stereotype, portrayed by no less than Ate Shawie. that's the i'm-hard-and-tough-as-a-nail-on-the-outside-but-i'm-actually-a-girl-secretly-in-love with Edu Manzano, my boss, or Tonton Gutierrez as the case may be, you know that one where one kiss with a guy will actually make that person revert back to hetero. oh, and there's another one, my ex, mike, he figured this one out because he thinks it's the reason i like cute girls who look like cute guys: the one with the really bad experience with the guy decides to try girls for a change. and this one, which i like to play with, but is actually a pet peeve: girl on girl action for male viewing.

while we've already broken the screaming parlor faggot image, we haven't really given a shot to try to break whatever lesbian stereotypes that we have in this country. most independent writers and filmmakers are men or gay men and they haven't really touched on the subject of lesbianism as much as we want them too. it can be really disappointing.

i can go on and on about this and still not be able to achieve anything. it all boils down to respect. you can't really command it unless you give it to someone else.

now would be a perfect time to start.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

what will happen if i flunk the bar

1) i will die because my shift is from 3am-1pm, law school review is from 5pm-9pm. by the time that i get home to take a bath, i'd have to leave for work again;

2) my father will tell me what a big disappointment i am, that i'm a big stupid slut who's not good for anything:

3) M will rub it in my face if she passes and i don't and she'll say it was such a great decision, her ditching me;

4) all my friends, well, some of them, will think i'm no good at all. i mean, come on, i'm not even a lawyer yet and they don't remember me anymore. what more if i flunk?

5) all my rockstar friends won't call me "Atty." anymore, at least Vin Dancel is an actual lawyer;

6) everything i've earned from being a call center agent will be spent on review school and other materials;

7) that bitch lawyer who accuses me of flirting with her fat, ugly boyfriend will have a field day because she thinks she's right;

8) sleep will be a luxury;

9) it will be nice if i could actually ever have a life - love, family, sex, friends - once that happens because i'll be too busy trying to review and work;

10) a guy who will go back to the R.P. in September just to have sex with me will probably have to reschedule;

11) i'll be more of a nervous wreck than i already am;

12) i won't be able to blog

among other things.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

lazy sunday

i don't go out on saturdays and sundays although i get a lot of invitations to go some place or watch a movie, i don't. after work, after smoking and hanging out with my officemates on a saturday afternoon, i go home and sleep. yes, The Goddess needs to catch some Zzzzs in order to maintain the outer and inner beauty.

so this morning i had my nails done, i'm due for a facial and my hair needs some hot oil but there will be other sundays, just like this one. i sleep. i eat. then i watch tv. i never get to do that the whole week. damnit, i don't even have the slightest idea on what's going on in this earth: who's getting married, who left who, who bombed this site, who kidnapped this person, what disease is killing the earthlings now, i have no clue, whatsoever. but i do try to get updated on my reality shows and today i learned that rob and amber are up for the million again, not in Survivor, but in the Amazing Race 7.



i can't blame the other teams, particularly patrick, the gay guy with his mom, and the more competitive of the blonde teams, debbie and bianca, to hate them or at least, try to give them a hard time and make sure that they don't advance because they've already won money. this, i think, is just to boost rob's ego (amber, stop feeding him, he looked hotter minus the fat), or their ego, because they have nothing to do anymore.



lynn and alex are fun to watch, they're so animated; although i still wish reichen and chip had not broken up. i remember crying when reichen and chip won the million dollars. it was a big win for all gay people. let's hope lynn and alex don't get eliminated.i also hope that ron, the former POW and kelly, his pageant queen gf, get to one pit stop first and win a trip somewhere or cash. that's so even if they don't win the million, ron can still get his wish to donate some money for the POWs.



meg and heidi look more like twins than roomies; the same way brian and greg don't look like somebody's more older than the two of them. but i don't want to be that pretty or have that much of a good body. people tend to think i'm stupid.



i also tried to watch Charmed because they show replays on Sundays over at Star World. i checked on the net for episodes that might show my honey, Drew Fuller, a.k.a. Chris Haliwell, and i was pretty sure that i was going to see it after the Angel of Death episode, or the one after that, but was utterly disappointed when they started the series again. at least, now i can catch up. i do miss Chris, though.



i miss Connor too. i wonder if they're already showing the last season of Angel. Spike's gonna be there. it's just that Connor is cuter, more stubborn.



i got to see League of Extraordinary Gentlemen too. Shane West is hot. he's even hotter here than in A Walk to Remember. i'm so boy-crazy.



well, i guess i'm gonna go back to sleep now.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

butchfest 2005: how come nobody informed me?

chris and i met briefly friday evening for a little chit-chat at McDonald's in St. Francis Square. we talked about my latest theory: fuck buddies never run out. they just run out of circulation.

we also talked about how we were going to set up this friend with that friend, how we lost all amount of respect for this friend, how we hate how this friend is such a social climber, you know, friend stuff. then he had to go and i needed to sleep so we leave McDo. upon going down the stairs, i saw about 3 or 4 lesbians, 5 even, some with girlfriends in tow, going up the McDonald's ladder. when we got to the first floor, there were, i think, 3 more lesbians falling in line ordering food. the moment we got out, we saw more butches, butchokoys and (how do you refer to an old butch?) more lesbians and i had this weird feeling that i was not informed of a lesbian convention set in my own work backyard.

i was even in gear, i looked more like a butch than a femme that night so the possibility of me being a threat to the girlfriends was nil, and the possibility of me attracting a lifelong partner was also zilch. why was i not informed? were there any lesbian rights trampled upon which were supposed to be discussed that night? is money that hard to come by now, that exclusives are held in McDo na lang?

can anybody tell me?

Thursday, March 03, 2005

cultural field trip # I4GOT

i like bringing friends over to gigs. there's always this scary feeling that they won't like what they see and they'll hate you for it. whereas, i hated the people who dragged my butt to Bagaberde a few months back to watch Divo and MYMP, nobody has hated me so far for bringing them to the gigs/bars i go to. i always try to drag them to those places that don't require any entrance fee, that way they won't bug me about wasting both their time and money.

take chris and beth for example. i dragged their butts to the tutuban center mall to watch Sandwich and Parokya ni Edgar. everybody was happy upon going home. marc abaya is hot, why else would they complain?



take bryan and jm, they liked orange and lemons.



then bryan and mae, they appreciated the tailend of paramita's set (finally met RIA. hyperventilate!!! she even gave me a cd sampler of their songs Takipsilim and The Indefinite Transition of Perceived Realities) and the full set of my friend ace's band, bagetsafonik.



i really like pimping bands and introducing my friends to music they wouldn't normally listen to. it gives me a certain high, maybe something even better than when i'm the one performing myself (although i do wish i did the 6underground cover with ace and his band or some other song instead - but there will be other gigs to crash), because you can relate to the music and they could relate as well. after the show, they'd even thank you for the experience of being there. they would be grateful for the whole encounter and probably ask you to bring them to the next one. it also makes me happy that i get to help my friends with bands to promote their music, especially when they're not really that mainstream, like ace's group, whose following is still growing (there's honey, then there's me, jules' brothers jb& tim, jules' sister dinky - i wonder what they call her now, jules' ex-gf neng, etc. hehehe), the core group being their friends and other bands who converge at seventy7.

sidebar: i told ace i kinda didn't like their version of 6underground and he told me to give their friend a break, if i thought she was out of tune and i go, "dude, it's not just her, you guys were also flat!" oh well, he didn't really like doing covers anyway. which is why he never went to any of my fundraising activities. anyway, man, if you're reading this, i can do lamb, bjork, and portishead too. hint hint =)

after the show, mae and bryan and i had a different kind of cultural field trip. i dare not say when, where and what we did.

oh yeah, i forgot to say i was wholesome.

we went to work, you dimwits.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

sick again

how come nobody seems to appreciate the fact that i am trying my best to go to work despite my having fever and really bad sore throat?

if i keep on throwing up what i ate, how come i'm still fat?

how high should my fever be in order for my dad to let me take time off work?