Monday, February 28, 2005

things i've learned from "going out" with jake

1) i don't know how to french kiss anymore;

2) i have a rigid tongue;

3) you cannot talk about music with a musician;

4) i need to lose weight;

5) i'm spending too much money on my cds;

6) i'm spending too much money on sex and i'm not even reaching my peak;

7) i already know how be on top of a guy;

8) there is a big difference when using a condom and when not;

9) birth control pills are relatively cheap, people just have to buy them so that our population doesn't keep on getting larger;

10) he values his privacy too much that even if i don't mention his name here, he can be very paranoid (don't worry, sweetie, they don't know who you are);

11) Francis Reyes is really old;

12) i have a way of keeping people interested, despite the fat;

13) rich kids actually lose money;

14) he actually reads this shit sometimes;

15) we can hang out without taking our clothes off

Saturday, February 26, 2005

women like to talk, but men like to hear themselves talk better than anyone

i hang out with guys all the time for two reasons: 1) sometimes, men are easier to deal with than most girls; and 2) i'm a flirtatious bitch, remember?

ever since (that's two separate words, okay people? just like even though and in love and other stuff. i don't mean to sound like this strict editor or something, but some people tend to forget what they learned when they were younger, like subject-verb agreement, good manners, personal hygiene, etc.) i started in production, most of my companions on the way home are guys. they all have different personalities and i have grown to love them like my kids, even if some are older than i am.

what i noticed is the fact that they all like to talk, they all have to be better than each other and than everyone else. but they all want you to listen to them. sometimes it's much easier to shut a guy up who's really really arrogant than one who's pretending humble.

they all like to talk, but they don't really want to listen to you. the only time they want to listen to you is when you're going to pause so they can talk. they're nice, yeah, but sometimes, especially with this group, i feel like i'm still with a bunch of women. there are so many hang-ups and issues.

i remember chris telling me about this experiment he has. he went out with this guy and shut the fuck up. i mean, he was totally submissive and was not his opinionated self. they had great sex, i hear, but it wasn't too good for his mind and soul to be kept quiet like that.

then there's my sorority sis, grace. she's a very smart woman. she had this long-time boyfriend until he broke up with her, probably because he realized how smarter she was than he is, and dumped her. she always has a hard time getting a date. she says the acronym LLB is actually short for LIABILITY. she can't a frigging date.

that's probably why i can't get a boyfriend myself. i'm not ready to give up being talkative.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

educating my people

last night i brought my officemates jm and bryan to gweilo's bar in makati with me. we watched Orange and Lemons. i was a bit adamant that bryan wouldn't like the band or the idea of going out with me. i intended it to be a friendly date or us just hanging out so that the poor kid could have a life and jm just happened to be there so i asked him to tag along. they were singing along to the band's songs before you know it, especially to the single, She's Leaving Home. they had fun. so much fun that bryan wanted us to come back for Beatles' night next wednesday.

i recently bought a copy of Oliver Pulumbarit's Lexy, Nance and Argus: SEX, GODS AND ROCK AND ROLL and ever since i brought it to the office, there has been a long line of people who want to borrow and read it. i don't even know where it is or who it's with anymore.

i pride myself in educating people, my people, my children, not just about sex or love or life, but about music and books and movies (although i haven't really seen one lately), and plays. i want to make sure they get brain food. i'm not saying that my officemates are a bunch of dimwits, they're actually a cool bunch to hang out with. i just think that they should explore what is diverse and totally out of what they would normally have. you have to admit, i have weird taste. i not only help these people get in touch with new culture, but i help the indie scene in a way, as well. and if you can orient these people into different stuff, then that would be good, now, wouldn't it?

i remember dragging beth and chris' butts to tutuban center just to watch a Sandwich and Parokya ni Edgar gig. although Sandwich was already big at the time (this was 1999), they didn't know about Sandwich or Marc Abaya if not for that experience. they didn't regret coming with me, even if it meant walking and watching side by side with really dirty and smelly people ( i swear, there were/are so many people who think it's cute not to take a bath). they had fun, beth even got to kiss Marc. after i kissed him. hehehe

they don't always have to like the same stuff that i do, they don't have to be into it. i just console myself with the fact that if they knew some of the stuff that i was into, i don't have to deal with their crap, especially the ones i don't want to talk about. and like i said, i don't really get to watch gigs or see movies all the time but i can always recommend the band, the author or the artist, right?

that's what so fun about being, as chris put it, "The Goddess" or "The Queen" (make those courtesy calls, people), or just being Mommy Bels, you have clout over certain people, or as they say in law school, moral ascendancy. you can tell people something and on the basis of the amount of respect they have for you, they will listen to everything you say and take your word for it. but like they said in the movie Spiderman, "with great power comes great responsibility". i don't forget. that is why i only recommend the best. we don't want our minions to be idiots, do we?

Monday, February 21, 2005

"think of me as your older sister . . . "

listening to The Pin-Up Girls' Hello Pain, specifically, Burn

hmmn . . . i wonder where Mondo is now.

i don't text jake. jake doesn't text me. but we know each other's phone number, even landline numbers. we both know each other's email addresses and are in each other's YM list. but we never seem to be online at the same time. why?

i know that "best friends with benefits" have expiration dates, the same way forever has an expiration date. after enjoying this one, you move on to the next. but what makes me different from most people and i guess this is the weird part of it, is the fact that most of my SBs are friends, like link and A (who is also my ex) or in the process of becoming my friends, just like jake. i know that you're not supposed to make friends with your SBs, to keep it in a not-so-personal level, to save yourself from being hurt or attached. yes, to not be attached. nobody makes friends with their fuck buddies. well, nobody except me.

i didn't intend for jake to be my SB, although i saw it coming, given that i was the slut between the two of us. but we kinda promised each other we'd be friends. (hah!) i want us to be friends because i'd like to think that aside from being a flirtatious bitch, i am one nice and loving friend. and i think that i can be friends with members of rock bands without having to sleep with them. jake is such a cool person to hang out with, not to mention, he's pretty loyal to his girlfriend. i am not kidding. i mean, i could just be his big sister. if he doesn't want to talk to his other friends about his self-esteem issues, i will be more than happy to give my shoulder for him to snot on. i'm kinda getting sick and tired of some of my friends as well, especially the pathetic ones, so i do look forward to hanging out with jake again.

i just don't want to be the first one to text. it's like i lost, or something. i don't want to be the first one to give in. but i miss the guy. i miss him in an i'm-not-in-love-with-you sort of way but in an i-wish-we-could-hang-out-some-time-without-taking-our-clothes-off kind of way.

"it's too difficult to think that way now, don't you think?"

i still wish we would though.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

i still haven't found what i'm looking for

don't you just hate it when you can't find something even if you try so hard to look for it?

what about seeing that thing when you no longer need it?

what about asking somebody if they have it but then they don't know what it is so they just say they don't have it instead of actually looking for it?

i have been looking for Dino Ignacio's Tower of Misunderstanding for years now. i always seem to find it when i don't have money and it's always out of stock when i do. i know that it's only available in Comic Quest and i tried asking the people in this one branch if they have it and they immediately told me that they don't have it when they have no idea what it is.

i've also been looking for Sandwich's Grip Stand Throw album. i already have the tape but i want all my Sandwich albums to be in cds. no longer there. i remember when i kept on waiting for the album when it first came out and i asked the lady at this record bar if they have it and they told me to go to the food court. when i told them that Sandwich was a band, the ladies asked me, "ano po, Savage Garden?"

i used to have a tape of Depeche Mode's Some Great Reward album. i don't know where it is anymore. somebody probably borrowed it and never returned it to me. it had the songs Master and Servant, People are People, It Doesn't Matter, among others and the all-time favorite Somebody. now i want to have its cd version and it is nowhere to be found.

i almost had a fight with one of the salesladies of this particular bookstore because according to their database, they had Jeffrey Eugenides' The Virgin Suicides. she was supposed to bring me a copy from their stocks and i waited a good 10-20 minutes for her but she never came back. i asked them again and again if they had it and she said yes but the bitch never surfaced with one. it gets so difficult to look for a good book especially if they turn it into a Hollywood movie.

"and what i wouldn't give to find a soulmate, someone else to get this drift . . . and all i need now is intellectual intercourse, a soul to dig the hole much deeper . . ."

i also do not have a loved-one. not that i'm in a hurry to find someone. i just noticed 'coz everybody else in the office is in love or at least has a significant other to quarrel with. i am not making much progress with the crush with beautiful eyes a.k.a. boy kirat. i don't even know what i want to find in a man (or woman) i want to be with. maybe i just have to settle the issue first on whether i want a guy or a girl then everything else will fall into place.

"and i still haven't found what i'm looking for . . ."

Saturday, February 19, 2005

pimping boldstar, et al.

accident prone by (who else?) BOLDSTAR

wasted on the floor
wasted like before

when will i find you?
when will i catch you?
when will i find you on the floor?

pasted on the wall
pasted in the fall

one day i'll find you
one day i'll catch you
one day i'll find you in the fall

as i sink on the pink away
i won't be too far this way
i must be prone, can't you see?
accidents happen to me

faced it
faced it face to face
faced it
faced it with such grace

i'll never find you
i'll never catch you
i'll never find you face to face

as i think on the brink away
i won't be with you today

you'll never find me
you'll never catch me
you'll never find me accident prone.

will try to do this with less hassle. hope this works. am PC illiterate, remember?

i like the pinoy rock scene. it is what reminds me that there is a God who does not want our brains to be fried by insipid music. i admire the people who are in it, because i get the consolation that even if i don't really get to sing, play or write my own music, i will still end up sleeping with somebody who does. just kidding.

i admire them because they're brave enough to do what most of us are chicken shit to do, or even if we were brave enough, we just didn't have the talent for it. but they do.

i believe that rock isn't dead yet, in fact, it is flourishing. there are so many great local bands nowadays that people haven't heard of that's why they are forced to listen to cheerleader crap. i take it upon myself to blab and blog about bands i like, the songs they put out and where they can be seen and heard. sometimes i think that what i'm doing is not good enough, considering that there are so many people who wish to stay in the dark. it's not like i see myself as this educated musical bitch; i'm not that artsy-fartsy, i don't know everything. i don't even consider myself as a musical pimp, at least, not in chris or luna's level. i just want people to know that there are so many talented rock bands out there; that there's more to Filipino music other than the Sexbomb, Sarah Geronimo, et al. and that there are bands other than Aegis, Side A, Freestyle and South Border.

i remember when Sandwich was still not that popular and Kjwan was just the vernacular for "that something" or "you know" and everytime i'd drool over Marc Abaya, other people would say, "Marc who?" and it would really piss me off because Grip, Stand, Throw is like one of the most wonderful albums ever produced. and not too many people heard of it. it was so frustrating.

sidebar: i can no longer find a cd. i only have a tape because at the time, it was the only thing my budget can handle. local cds weren't P250 a piece then yet. now, they're gone, and i am left listening to the tape through M's walkman.

i realize that i can't influence people to like a certain band unless they hear the music. i am not that powerful that when i say this band is good, people will take my word for it. i don't work that way because: 1) i have respect for the human brain. i believe that you cannot dictate good and bad taste but you can develop it; 2) i have respect for individual differences. you might not like what i'm showing to you but i trust that you are open enough to give it a try; and 3) you'll come around eventually. if i talk about something often enough to the point of making you sick of it, you just might want to check it out to shut me up and get it over with.

if this works, you might think it's cool but echo, jazz, et al. might kill me (hubaderos who were introduced to me by Zach of Imago) and sue me for violation of their intellectual property rights (but if they kill me that would mean that the State will sue them hehehe). but on the bright side, you might be educated and i may not be so PC illiterate after all.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005


i wish i had a camera.

or a phone with a camera.

starting tomorrow, like 4am tomorrow, our team, Team Ceij, will be distributed into different teams while our Mommy Ceij is gone. she wasn't supposed to go on maternity leave until March 1, 2005. then we get this news that we have to be separated from one another because of some corporate decision. we're still be goaled and scored by our team but we will be in separate bays. we'll still be near each other, but it still doesn't feel the same.

emon, jm, alvin, mae and i will be with Ron.

liza (if she does go to work), pepsi a.k.a. rebekah and robert will be with Arnel.

jheng, anna, saroi and al will be with Dasch.

did i miss anyone? hope not.

i miss them already.

i didn't think it would be this soon. we'll only get together when Mommy Ceij gets back.

and to think we were just all eating lunch together. who would've thought?

sidebar: mae was still taking a call when we had our post-shift with ron's team and they welcomed us but ron only welcomed the 3 guys (and i was just standing right in front of him - blind, bald dude. good thing he's cute, otherwise, i wouldn't have forgiven him) but not me because he thought i was part of his team (which kinda means he doesn't know his own people, my goodness!) so i felt overlooked. the man apologized and hugged me. oh-kay. according to the team, he pressures them to make points and kicks their chairs when they don't. hah! try kicking my chair, asshole! hmp.

anyway, i wish we could've all hung out. and it was anna's birthday today. it could've ended on a happy note.

i love my team. we're like one big happy family. we score, we don't score, we're still happy. i love the fact that even if the integ gods don't smile at us, we still manage to reach our goals and our percentage to plan, even reaching the top spot for the January cycle. beat that.

i love being under Mommy Ceij. i love our bay and seeing Sir Nonie all the time. Sir Remie on the microphone can be really annoying though, but i love everything about my team and our bay. what good does it do to be goaled as a team but not be together? i don't get it.

emon or jm can always step up and lead the group. why don't they just let us be? it would be nice to see Sir Ron everyday and not hear Sir Remie, but like i said, it wouldn't be the same. and how would jordan and bryan visit us during their break if we were spread apart?

basta, team ceij forever.

of bombings and MRT rides

i've never been so petrified at the thought of taking the MRT in my entire life until now, especially when you fear that this ride could be your last.

yesterday there was a suicide bombing just below the ayala station of the MRT. consequently, bombings erupted in general santos and davao. when chris and i met, he was almost one of the fatalities in the ayala station if not for the fact that he had to go down at guadalupe to meet with someone before meeting me.

i may act and look stupid sometimes and talk about very trivial stuff but this is a very serious matter which i cannot overlook.

terrorists can't bomb MRT stations and public buses just to prove a point. the government can't make up imaginary lawless violence just so they can declare martial law. you simply can't do that. so many innocent lives are at stake here.

i suddenly feel frustrated that there was no internet cafe last night when i had this in my head when it still sounded relevant and important.

we rely on our government to give us protection from these lawless elements. we rely on our law enforcers to see to it that we are safe, whether we are in the comfort of our homes or just strolling around. even bums have rights that need to be protected. even assholes have a right to free speech, di ba? damnit, i can't even rely on the security guard who inspects my bag to know what he's looking for; expecting him to pretend to know what he's looking for takes up so much of his brain already. if we can't secure our safety while doing the simple things in life, something as mundane and trivial as getting an MRT ride, what the hell are we paying taxes for?

people should agree to disagree. they all want to do something for a worthy cause anyway, they just have a different means of reaching that aim. they can reach their aims but not at the expense of other people's lives.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

couldn't help myself

i met with chris valentine evening because we're friends, we're both single and we're both busy but we manage to find time for our friends.

pathetic, you say? i don't think so.

anyway, the things my good friend chris and i discussed were the albums, movies and books that we were obsessed lately as well as the new people we've met. we also talked about our old friends and then we moved on to talk about more important stuff.

one of the things we talked about, aside from the snotty attitude of certain people as well as the futility of chasing hot people, is the scarcity of the Damien Rice album after the song, The Blower's Daughter, was used in the movie Closer.

the next day, my officemates Bryan, Al, JM and i went to megamall, like we always do, to eat and then go home afterwards. Bryan thought of checking out the record bar. so did i. it's been a while anyway. i saw a cd of P.O.T. remastered, having lost my tape when M lost her bag to thieves, got one and never let go of it. then i asked the saleslady if they had Damien Rice. i had the money, if they didn't have it, at least i tried, right? it's just like offering phone guard, ISW, voicemail or DSL to an irate customer. they may or may not take the product, even if you offer it for three months free of charge, but at least you tried offering it than not at all.

that's what i did as far as Damien Rice was concerned. i tried asking these stupid salesladies who only recognize Jessa Zaragosa, April Boy, Sarah Geronimo and The Sexbomb if they had the album, even going as far as spelling out the name just to be sure they had it.

they did. P425 of my money gone. i remember jake saying that he doesn't mind burning albums by foreign artists, just as long as he buys original albums by local artists.

i don't. if i have the money, why wouldn't i buy something i really really like? although this is the first time i bought a foreign artist's album not on sale.

what can i say? i couldn't help myself.

Monday, February 14, 2005

so what?

i don't have a date for Valentine's day.

so what?

do you?

i don't believe in cramping in one day all the love and other good things you can do for your loved ones.

you should do it all year round.

not in one day.

it should be everyday.

no wonder i'm alone.

so fucking what?

Sunday, February 13, 2005

got this from Quark

if you read this journal,
even if i don't speak to you often,
post a memory of me.
it can be anything you want.
it can be good or bad,
just so long as it happened.
but do not speak of Mikey molesting those children,
because the cops might be reading this.
then post this on your journal.
see what people remember about you.

Mikey molesting children?

say what now?

so, what do people remember about me?

Saturday, February 12, 2005

American Idol Season 4 auditions: can you tell who will be next?

last thursday, i couldn't sleep. i had approximately three hours to sleep before dad arrived to wake me up so i can eat, take a bath and go to work. i wasn't very sleepy. i saw the American Idol auditions and i became more wide awake.

last year, i watched Season 3 religiously. my early bets were Fantasia, Jon Peter Lewis, Camille Velasco and Brianna (i loved the way i couldn't tell if she was gay or not), who didn't make it to the Top 12 but was part of the Top 32. we all know Fantasia won last season (i saw that coming). i couldn't watch this season that way anymore since i had work and i'd have to choose between sleep and watching AI. of course, my health was important more than anything because i wouldn't be able to go to work so i'd rather sleep. i only get to see the auditions when i get home early after work, when i stay at the pantry to sleep, or eat before my shift, or when i'm with jake and he channel surfs.

sidebar: i never thought certain rockstars would like watching AI. he did. he was a bit impressed with some of the contestants and we had a good laugh at those who sounded really awful. i kinda imagined rockstars wouldn't really be into that kind of shit.

which brings me to my early favorites for this season and some of my observations: i really like Constantine Maroulis to make it to the Top 32, then to the Top 12 just to see what will happen and how he'll do in the theme-inspired weeks. for those of you who don't know, Constantine (not Keanu Reeves' new movie) is the lead singer of this really tight band in NY and Ryan Seacrest had documented how Constantine's bandmates, specifically the drummer, did not approve of him joining AI because it was supposedly the exact opposite of what they believe in. okay. Constantine is good, really. plus, he has this sorta Eddie Vedder look of the grunge era which complements his beautiful eyes (huh?), the guy is so tall and we're like almost the same age.

then there's Elizabeth Pha. i don't like her because she looks Asian and she can't get her lyrics right. okay, before anybody throws something at me, let me clear that: I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST ASIANS OR PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE ASIANS BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? I'M ASIAN. it's just that, i don't think you can get by with just a good voice at a competition like that. you need to rehearse. Simon was right when he said that he will not produce a multi-million dollar record for someone who can't even memorize a song whose lyrics are as simple as, "baby, baby, where did our love go? baby, baby, where did our love go?" and i totally agree. i don't like her because most Asians, particularly Filipinos, know how to sing.

i remember my trainor, John Treibel, saying that he has not met one Filipino who did not know how to sing or play any instrument. he's right, actually. that's why i was so disappointed that when all the World Idols met, there was no Asian Idol. Filipinos are really talented, that's why there were two who grew up in Hawaii in the Top 12 last year.

i hated the group of the three girls who had their parents during their rehearsal. it was dreadful the way the father of one of them kept on singing and dancing along. i know that the parents are only being supportive but, come on, these kids need to rest, they need to jive on their own without their parents yapping so much. we have a lot of those here in the RP, stage parents.

i wonder what happened to the punk girl with violet hair. she was so cool. looks really can be deceiving. she did Phantom of the Opera. i hope she makes it far.

i also found the Miracle Boy (forgot his name) very cute and wonderful. they tell him he won't be able to speak when he grows up and then he does speak and he sings well at that. he had the workings of a Clay Aiken, although his voice could be more powerful with age and more practice.
i found it really touching, that Matt Meyers brought his son's teddy bear along. it's just too sad he didn't make it.

i don't like Desmond Meeks. he impressed Paula, he even impressed jake the last time jake and i were together (because he did check out AI on cable), but he didn't impress me. if you want to sing and dance, you go to FAME. and even if he did go to FAME, he still wouldn't make it, not in my book, anyway. he wasn't that good, compared to the others.

i wonder who will make it to the Top 32. will there be any Filipinos in the Top 12 this year?


Friday, February 11, 2005


back in the '90s, when most music videos looked like they were designed for videoke (cascaded and tiled images, and videoke wasn't even in then) and everytime a band would make a TV appearance, German Moreno would say, "the _________ band!". why can't they just say the freaking band's name as it is, anyway?! some people still commit the mistake of saying the Sandwich band or Slapshock band. it totally pisses me off because they wrack their brains out trying to figure out a good band name then these people just ruin it.

anyway, at the time, Regine just earned the title Asia's Songbird after winning the South East Asian something award (i forgot, okay?) and was just starting to film this video with Jacky Cheung (last seen as Jerry Yan's older brother in the Tagalog-dubbed Love Rocket something) for the song In Love With You (which won for moi and my partner what's-his-face, oh, okay, Lawrence second place in the 1997 Pax Romana Musicfest - betcha we could've won first place if the audience wasn't so noisy because they found us so sweet and irritating) but there was one young woman who stretched the boundaries of Philippine music videos and her name was Viktoria.

sure, there was Giftgate sponsored Geneva Cruz video (paparuparo paparuparo I like you!) but it was no match for Viktoria's videos, what with the cute guys for leading men and lighthouse settings and old houses in Vigan. i think her video for the song Dahan-dahan even made it to the Top 100 videos of MTV Asia in 1993. of course, it helped that her brothers were directors. she paved the way for more inventive and creative music videos, the mini-movie kind.

her songs were mostly about love and her videos captured that love. when she made a comeback and became video diva-dance artist, the videos were still good but i kinda missed seeing the lighthouse towers and the old Vigan houses and the cute guys she had for partners in her videos Sasabihin Ko Na, Tender Kisses and Dahan-dahan. she ran for office but i never really got to follow if she won or lost. she has this new song on the radio but i haven't really heard it in full. i keep on looking for the video first.

i guess my favorite video would be for the song which is included in the OST-Felicity, it was remarkable. i almost cried when i saw it. it was entitled To Be Near You.

as always, don't know how to put music yet, but here are the lyrics:

are you just a habit
or some kind of addiction
can't seem to get you out of my system
what could you have done to me
feels so stuck like glue
turn the pages in my head
there's only you

i don't care
i would do anything
to be near you
i would go anywhere
to be near you

am i truly hopeless
am i being pathetic
are you even aware of my existence
would mean everything to me
if you spend a little time
could you give in to me with the least resistance

i don't care
i would do anything
to be near you
i would go anywhere
to be near you

to be near you
to be near you

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

i've learned . . .

- that you cannot make someone love you. all you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

- that no matter how much i care, some people are just buttholes.

- that it takes years to build trust and a minute of suspicion to destroy it.

- that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. after that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more messed up than you think.

- that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person i want (hmmn . . . i'm not sure if this is true for me)

- you should always leave loved ones with loving words. you may need to borrow money (i totally agree)

- that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication

- that money is a great substitute for character.

- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do so

- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.

- that your family won't always be there for you. unless, of course, you win the lottery.

- that no matter how good a guy is, he will eventually revert.

- that no matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is still expensive.

- that we don't have to ditch bad friends becasue their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local prison.

- that the people you care most about in life are taken away from you too soon. and all the less important ones just never go away (or die quickly)

- to say "screw 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages (i actually don't).

many thanks to chris for sending me this email a long time ago. still works for me now :)

my two favorite women

i finally got to listen to the tapes that cris gave me for christmas. we had this kris kringle and i was her "mommy" and she was my "mommy". everybody kept on joking about it being destiny and how we were made for each other. of course, cris and i weren't talking anymore so i really resented the joke, although i did still try to find her the gifts she wanted.

anyway, i had wanted to get the albums of Sarah McLachlan and Alanis Morissette but i didn't have the money yet and i was undecided if i should get tapes or cds since all my other albums of the two women were in tapes and i wanted everything to be the same. besides, i'm a tape addict.

sidebar: do people still buy tapes? i know i do, when it's a foreign artist and i cannot afford the cd. i buy cds of local artists, bands like Sugarfree, Rivermaya, Kitchie Nadal, Sandwich, Boldstar, Imago, Cynthia Alexander, The Dawn (shameless plug), to name a few, because they do exert the effort to make their music available to everybody.

anyway, i liked all the songs. i remember recommending their albums here before when i only got to listen to the albums now, which means that i recommended their music solely because i like them. and i really do. you could tell i was in heaven while i was listening to the tapes, using the walkman M gave me (hmmn, remnants of the past) and i was singing along to every song. i like to read the lyric sheet and sing along.

so if you haven't gotten the cd, or the tape, that is, get them NOW. you won't regret it. i know i don't. cris probably does because i still haven't been nice to her or talked to her after this (user-friendly bitch, yes, tell me something i don't know) but i don't really care. i love these two women. they're my icons.

i have one question, though: what's with the hair? i know i cut my hair long before Alanis' Everything video. when Alanis's hair was still long, Sarah's was short. when Alanis cut her hair, Sarah has her hair long.

answer: does it matter? i'm in for the music.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

what?! i was terminated?!

i cut my sleep short to do overtime because last saturday i wasn't able to hit 100% to plan (the only day during last week, if i may add) so as early as 2:30am i went down the 9th floor to fix my system. i wanted to be able to just log in at exactly 3am after i had finished buying snacks and having smoked. but i could not log in. i couldn't even open the damn system.

so i went over to the tech station where this nice biker dude named franco helped me. he went over to my bay and checked it out. we changed passwords, it could've been just the password. after the password was changed, i still couldn't log in. i switched work stations. still couldn't log in, different error this time. so we went back to his bay to see the list of terminated employees: i saw blythe's name, i saw cris' name (kid was forced to resign after crossing the HR people - you don't spread rumors that you slept with somebody from the HR department and expect to get away with it) as well as everybody else who got fired over the last month. i wasn't terminated. but he couldn't find me either. wonderful.

franco files a ticket so that i can be able to log in and fix whatever error it is so i can get back to work and he go back to his yosi break. then we go back to the terminated list again. blythe has my racf id next to her. what was sort of funny was that franco had been rushing the people in the US to fix the problem when it could've been my coach, or anybody in the head office's fault. it kinda means that when the list was submitted and blythe was revoked of everything that had something to do with our company, since it was my racf id, I GOT REVOKED OF EVERYTHING ASSIGNED TO ME IN THIS COMPANY.

it really pissed me off. sure, i wasn't able to take calls the whole day, which meant zero productivity for me (even the most stupid person in our team got points, i didn't. you can just imagine what a blow this was to me) and i get paid to do nothing. i was most worried about my sleep. i could've just slept.

they told me that it normally takes about 3-4 days before they can fix this problem but i don't think they'll sleep on it. nobody wants to lose money and pay someone for doing nothing, you know. all my teammates wanted to be in my shoes yesterday. sure, go ahead. DON'T SLEEP.

Monday, February 07, 2005

100% to plan cycle to date

music to my ears (next to, "CONGRATULATIONS, ATTY.BELS!!!).

i finally recovered from the slump. it's a new day, a brand new work week. more stupid calls, callers and people who think they are holier-than-thou because they live in a first world country unlike you.

i cried and lost my composure last friday. an american who had grudges against the company i work for kept on insulting me and my name, ANNABEL. it caught me off guard. i could've released the fucking call, i just couldn't bring myself to. i allowed that bitch to insult not just my race but my whole being. it made my heart pound real hard. had trouble breathing for about a good five minutes.

but after this conversation with sir nonie, i felt a lot better. he let me off the phone for a while. after that, i was back on my feet. i was up to my whole spirit and i am glad to say, that after that call, i hit 100% to plan. i am currently on top. of my job, that is. i no longer feel stupid, although there are days when i really could use the push and i still ask certain questions. but i am improving, that's what matters, right?

and i thought they were going to fire me.

i am going to keep this job. if i don't pass the bar and my body refuses to accept the 3-hour-a-day sleep everyday, i'll find something else. i'm not that pessimistic, you know. besides, i'm smart. i'll think of something.

best friend with benefits (or a penchant for guys with four-letter names)

this has been a very interesting week: i met him again, then this other guy texted me, then this other guy keeps ignoring me and then there's this other guy who texted me just so i'd greet him a happy birthday (the man is homesick so you have to give him a break), they're all my friends. however which way you try to call it.

anyway, i met him again (still can't think of a name to give him considering i've been meeting him a lot lately. wait, scramble the letters of his name - - let's call him jake, sounds good enough). i realize that if i keep meeting him, i can no longer live with myself as a woman. i am actually helping him become unfaithful. it's not like he's in love with me and shit, but the mere fact that he's doing something with me outside the bounds of his relationship kills me. but i do love being with him. i don't love him, well, not that way anyway, but i enjoy his company. he's a very interesting person to talk to. not to mention, he looks, smells and sounds good.

then jade texted me (funny, this is the first time in a long time that he's texted me about doing it and i've figured a name for him already) this morning while i was at work. the man was drunk. i cannot recall if he was drunk last year when he considered taking our friendship to a different level (translation: link level), we were supposed to meet but he chickened out on me. i swear to God, that guy will never get laid. we always text each other about how we both want to get laid without commitment and he was really fascinated about the idea that link and i were "doing things together" without anyone ever noticing that we were "doing things together" because we were both calm and collected. he was comfortable enough to say that he wanted to do me because aside from being his good friend, i am also a very openminded person who will shut her mouth after engaging in illicit sex, which is the same reason the guy aforementioned also keeps on meeting with me. we even had this discussion that if ever we don't do it, i kinda gave him the license to use me as an excuse for his girlfriend.

then he texted me. we had a really interesting relationship before he left for some other country. i knew it wasn't just because he wanted me to greet him, the guy is homesick. he is probably freezing his ass off while i'm typing this. he didn't really imply anything in his text message, it's just that i keep remembering what we used to do when we were still together and i was pretty vulnerable at the time. now he's texting if i could refer him to any of my cute officemates. yeah, right.

then i texted him. he hasn't texted back. actually, he has not given me any call back ever since he had a girlfriend. it's kind of a slap in the face because he has no use for me anymore and they'll have to break up first before he starts chasing me again. while i don't necessarily love link that way anymore, it kinda hurt my ego that he's taken already and i'm still floating. i wish he'd make me smile again, though. you know.

it kinda makes me wonder: am i only attractive that way? do i only attract men who cannot get sex from their girlfriends, therefore, i become the better alternative to masturbation? am i not capable of any meaningful relationship? i'd like to think i am, but apparently, nobody seems to take me seriously. i'm just the friend with benefits. therefore, i don't take myself seriously. and i also don't take anyone seriously anymore.

so we go back to chris' query: what will make bels fall in love? because i totally lost it. it's like that ally mcbeal episode where there's this kid who pleads with ally to stop killing him. he has trouble breathing. it turns out, the kid represents ally's belief in love. while i believe in love, i no longer think it's possible for me to love and be loved. these men, these men with four-letter names, they treat me like a friend, they respect and love me to a certain degree, they think i'm an attractive, independent and intellectual human being who happens to be sensual, otherwise, they wouldn't fuck me.

excuse the term. how else can you talk about sex buddies without using the actual term?

i'm a slut
that's why you love me
that's why you hate me too

fortunately or unfortunately, i don't look like cameron diaz so i won't really be demanding anything, driving anyone's car at over 100mph and crashing it over a bridge, almost killing my passenger (none of them look like tom cruise anyway) and distorting his face.

i think the kid is dead and no matter how i try, he cannot be resuscitated.

and if you blame me for going crazy
that's how you made me

Sunday, February 06, 2005

damn PC illiterate me

i was looking for this particular song over the internet last night: Way Down Here Without You by Superdrag and Coin Operated Boy by The Dresden Dolls. what happened was, and you have no idea how irritating this was to me, my home page became this really annoying search page and not Yahoo! which i use often. what was even more irritating was the fact that even if i try to make Yahoo! my home page by going to Tools-Internet Options-typing in the address bar-clicking OK was that it still wouldn't change back to what i wanted it to do.

i'm really so damn illiterate when it comes to the PC that you'll be surprised as to how i got my job (I'M REACHING 100% TO PLAN EVERYDAY NOW, BY THE WAY), and how i survive at it. i don't even know how to use my webcam!

help me please?

while you're at it, send me the songs i've been looking for as well :)