Monday, January 31, 2005

coin operated boy

coin operated boy by the dresden dolls

coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf
he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....

coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy
and i'llnever let him go
and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......

this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didn’t think so
but I’m still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you goodbye
for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...

i want it
i want you
i want a coin operated boy.
and if i had a star to wish on

for my life i can’t imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even take him in the bath
coin operated boy

he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isn’t that the point
that is why i want a coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me
that he’s thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.

my own boy, man, whatever you call him. just like Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus (someone to hear your prayers, someone who cares), i found this song amusing. wouldn't it be nice if we all had one for ourselves?

he'll listen to me, tell me i'm funny and sexy and beautiful and smart and sweet and i can take him wherever i want and he won't resist and i can have my way with him whenever i want to. he will sing me love songs and i'll be the only person in his eyes and he will give me everything i desire. he won't ask for too much or tell me i'm fat and ugly and bitchy and stupid and he will take all my irate calls for me. he'll hold out doors for me, hold his breath for me, lay down his life on the line, write me poems and stupid love songs and little post-it notes. he'll give me water when i'm thirsty, wash my feet, massage my aching back. oh yeah, beat up my enemies too (although i could easily do that, just so i wouldn't have to lift a finger). he will not cheat on me or take me for granted. he will never ask me for my money or for sex when i don't want it and he will never leave me for his dentist, among other things.

that is why i want a coin operated boy.

am i really that lonely?

this past week i was able to meet beautiful people who are really close to me.

i met A tuesday night.

i met him wednesday night (better think of something to call him soon), although i am not sure if he will agree to meet me again.

i met chris friday night. we had this really long conversation. i had fun. we had fun and made this sort of pact to meet more often.

I. "i'm tired of waiting here for you, i've made up my mind i'm leaving you."
when i met A, i never really realized how bad i missed her till i saw her again. she never really realized how badly she missed me till she saw me again. she returned some of my clothes to me, the ones i lent her when she slept over at manly. she told me she was having trouble organizing my kids for the february gig. she told me that M doesn't have work yet (BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!), she told me that a lot of people kept on asking her about me. stuff like that. it was fun seeing her. it's not like i wanted to get back with her. i just felt like a part of me, i missed and i got in touch with again when i saw her. the whole lesbian telenovela scene. law school. my band. my kids. stuff like that.

II. "monday, i can't wait till tuesday. if i'd made up my mind, wednesday would be fine . . ."
i met him on the usual place. usual time (meaning i'm late again) and we did the usual thing. i had fun, he had fun. but he got tired. i keep telling him it's all my fault, but it was totally okay with him. i keep telling myself that i won't fall for him and that's probably what he has in mind too. him having this girlfriend and all. it's not like i'm expecting something to come out of this. execpt maybe me reaching that point. we have this really okay friendship that i don't want to ruin. damnit, i meet him more than i do link now, link having this girlfriend and all. i don't mind. i just don't want any complications.

III. "you will be given love. you will be taken care of. you will be given love. look around you. all is full of love all around you"
chris looked pretty handsome. i used to have this crush on chris. it lasted for an hour and then i realized that we can never be. hello?! chris and i are good friends, which isn't exactly what i can say for the other half of 4V. chris and i get along well because we have the same strong personality and patrick and beth get along well because they have the same personalities. what kind of personality, you ask, i'd rather not say.

i'm so proud and happy for everything that's happening to chris right now. i'm so glad just seeing him. he can read me pretty well. we're just so happy for each other, the fact that our lives are going okay. he's pretty happy that i got my life back, well, sort of, after law school. there was just one point in our conversation where i thought he was going to make me cry, the point where he asked this question (aside from taking note of my sudden shift from El Niño to La Niña) : what makes you fall in love?

i honestly do not know anymore. i have absolutely no expectations about that aspect of my life anymore. i don't want to jinx anything, except maybe, what's to jinx? am i that lonely? am i that disillusioned that i have no idea whatsoever what would make me fall, plummet, crash?

i'm happy with what's going on, i get a pay check, i get points, i get laid, i get some degree of respect from my father and my peers, i get to sing. i just don't sing the beautiful songs, you know, the mushy ones that people listen to. it's not like i miss it either. i mean, if the guy with beautiful eyes came up to me and asked me to be his girlfriend i wouldn't know what to do. i'd probably laugh. i don't know.

other people, even the stupid ones, they know what makes them fall in love. how come i don't?
am i that much of a loser now? people better not know that. i give them a spanking just for being pathetic. but then, if i'm not in stage, i'm not so poor, am i?

am i?

Saturday, January 29, 2005

how to control your emotions (something i got from the mail)

This would give you guides on how to control your emotions towards your better-half, friends, officemates and all the people around you, especially your boss. The rules of practicing 'ugaling langit, ugaling kaaya-aya':

#1 Ang naunang magalit ang may karapatang magalit.
Pag naunahan ka na ng galit niya, tumahimik ka na lang muna.

#2 Walang taong nag-aaway mag-isa.
Pag hindi kayo sumagot o pumatol, titigil din daw ang taong nakikipag- away sa'yo

#3 Ang taong galit, 'bingi.'
If someone is angry, wala raw pinakikinggan, so, don't try to explain and fight back. Hindi ka niya iintindihin dahil wala siyang naririnig kundi ang sarili niya.

#4 Ang taong galit, 'abnoy.'
Ayon sa pastor, Biblical daw ito . . .
because the Lord said when He was crucified,
"Father, patawarin mo sila dahil hindi nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa."
Modern term for these kinds of people are abnoys, so you better not get angry para huwag kang matawag na abnoy. You should also know and realize that the persons who make your day bad are jewels, because you need them for you to mature.

Hangga't andyan daw sila at kinaiinisan mo, ibig sabihin, immature ka pa. God will not take away those people; it's for you to take away your bad feelings towards them. You'll know na mature ka na pag dumating 'yung time na hindi ka na naiinis sa mga taong ito because you have learned to accept them and to have patience with them.

#5 Finally, the best part of this is to tell yourself na, because of this person, "I will grow mature," and that DAHIL SA CONTRIBUTION NIYA SA MATURITY MO, KUKUNIN DIN SYA NI LORD.

you make me come, you make me complete, you make me completely miserable

I Touch Myself by The Divinyls

I love myself
I want you to love me
When I'm feeling down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

You're the one who makes me come running
You're the sun who makes me shine
When you're around I'm always laughing
I want to make you mine

I close my eyes
And see you before me
Think I would die
If you were to ignore me
A fool could see
Just how much I adore you
I get down on my knees
I´d do anything for you

I don´t want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don´t want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

I want you
I don't want anybody else
And when I think about you
I touch myself
Ooh, oooh, oooooh, aaaaaah

i don't want anybody else
when i think about you
i touch myself
i don't want anybody else
oh no, oh no, oh no

i saw him again. i feel really feel sorry for him, getting him all the trouble and making him tired like that. it's all my fault. maybe i should get more practice somewhere else or from someone else. i really am so ashamed. i shouldn't have put him through all that trouble.

i feel so bad for him. he was so nice and i was just so stupid. maybe i should stop smoking. or lose weight. or get a therapist. whatever.

there's just this thing about him i can't forget. am i falling in love with him?

nah, i don't think so.

i hope i don't.

i'm too slow for that.

or too frigid.

he said rigid.


Friday, January 28, 2005

some questions posed by the movie elektra

listening to Boldstar cd (i'm not listening to a bunch of porno actors who came up with a musical album, i'm listening to the band. will review this, along with other albums recently purchased next time), particularly the song, sad trip.

i had the opportunity to watch a movie yesterday with my officemates. i saw Elektra and i liked it. i liked the movie Daredevil not just because it gave us a preview of the better Bennifer couple, i liked its story. never mind if it was a flop in the US. i loved it. i just do.

Daredevil did not just show us the acting (or non-acting, depending on how you look at it) prowess of Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner and Colin Farrell, it had a kick-ass OST which introduced us to Amy Lee, et al. a.k.a. Evanescence. because of that movie, now everybody wants to give her own rendition of My Immortal. i heard that the band has a new song for Elektra's OST so i looked forward to hearing that as well.

anyway, while watching Elektra i could not help but notice the really cute guys, Will Yun Lee and Goran Visnjic. i loved the action, yes; i wish i could kick butt that way too. but i had so many questions in my head as well, some of them i share with kuya al, my teammate in the texas/under ceij bay.

questions like: if she was resurrected and she left a braille necklace for Matt Murdock in Daredevil, how come she works for the bad guys in Elektra? which came first, her leaving the braille necklace or her being resurrected by The Hand? who killed Elektra's mom, was it the Kingpin or was it The Hand? if she was a treasure (or The Treasure) all along, why did her father have to make her train with different guru or master ever since she was five years old? why doesn't she wear the black costume anymore? will Elektra ever see the Daredevil again? will they live happily ever after?

i liked the story. it was predictable in a way, just like Daredevil, but i did not want it to be too predictable or to have too many loopholes. come on, i didn't just watch it because i wanted to see if Jennifer Garner's girdle will show (yes people, the girl wears one. she said so in one of them Alias interviews) or if Ben Affleck will make a guest appearance. that's what spin-offs are for, at least, that's how tv spin-offs are made.

everybody has a pure soul, everybody is a treasure in their own way. that's supposedly the moral of Elektra's story. everybody is given a second chance and your second life might be even better than your first one.

in that case, kill me now. i don't like this life anymore. move me on to the next more beautiful, more wonderful life and give me a kick-ass black tight fit costume (because i'm not too crazy about red) and those whatever-you-call-'em sharp thingies.

Monday, January 24, 2005

really now?

and i thought i was stupid!

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convincing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

many thanks to maks for this interesting quiz. kala ko pa naman, musical din ako. hmp.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

better late than never: the year that was 2004

i know, i know, too late the hero. well, i'm sorry, i didn't have time then. besides, what the hell would it be for? probably a guide so that things don't happen again and leave me feeling miserable inside, right?

january: i think i was whining and crying for the most part of january having still not recovered from losing M in my life and seeing her everyday but not exactly being with her. i tried focusing on other things like studying, listening to NU107 again, watching movies that i didn't get to watch because we didn't have the time/money on cable, buying more tapes, cds and vcds, flirting with other people, making new friends, reconnecting with old ones. it was also the month of great awkwardness as we had these "kids" looking up to us and then suddenly they came to the realization that "their parents" were not getting back together anymore.

take for example, Dess, my little Avril in the band. she almost screwed up her studies because she was having hell at home and the only "together parents" she had was M and me. then M and i broke up. it made her sad and she didn't really like the idea of me or M dating anyone else. i guess she thought she could, at the very least, control our relationship better than she can control that of her own folks.

oh yeah, and this is cool. WINNER ITO: two of my ex-girlfriends living together in one roof. and they're both butches. i even got an invitation or two from them to sleep over (when M and i were still being tupperware and trying hard to be civil) the house. ano 'yun, threesome? AWKWARD!

i don't remember if we spent january preparing for the Lex Palooza anniversary gig. we always did. i think this year, we either did or didn't.

february: i cannot remember if we had an anniversary gig or not but it's more on the "we didn't". i do remember saying farewell in front of an audience and singing "my immortal" that M replied with "6,8,12" and then me retaliating with "it's my life" in front of an audience. yeah, we most likely did a gig, otherwise, we wouldn't have pictures with me that i can't put here yet because i haven't scanned them. what i do know is i kept on staying with the tall, thin, cute guitarist with dimples a lot because being with him made me really excited and cheerful and not too pissed with the fact that M was using all her powers to piss me off, make me jealous or irritate me with almost anything and everything she does. crush and i were always talking. crush made me feel giddy. crush goes with me drinking and taking me for a ride (going home, i mean) and talking to me all the time.

february was also the time of assumptions. i don't like to assume that a guy/girl likes me because 80-90% of the time, i am right. besides, according to my crush with beautiful eyes, when you assume, you make an ASS of U and ME. whatever. but i had a lot of feelers from people. and i was vulnerable. it's like, at the time, people were taking advantage of that fact and making me feel more sullen than i actually was.

i also went on air for valentine's eve. i called The Gweilo's Hour and was given advice by some guy whom i later found out was Gino Tioseco, Erwin's friend whom i get to hang out with every now and then.

march: taking the exams and experiencing the stress and agony of waiting for results (much like now, waiting for the bar results can be so draining for your brain), if we were graduating and taking the bar that year or not. march was goodbyes - to crush, to kids, to M. i'd see her during review, yes, but we weren't talking anymore and she made her intentions to court the dentist manifest by this time.

i officially became addicted to Katherine Moennig and Drew Fuller.

april: i graduated, M graduated, the dentist graduated. then i got a room in a condo unit in front of UE for the bar exams review. cool, isn't it? then i see them together, i see M going to church with her and i fall apart. she rarely went to church with me, especially in 2002, that's why i cheated. anyway. anyway.

anyway, i also had the haircut in april. it was my way of showing her i got over her.

from this:

to this:

i also finally met Erwin Romulo. he and i had been writing emails to each other right after i bugged him about my situation, getting over M and all. i met his fiancee (now wife), Yvonne and some of their other friends, as well as this cute guy David.

may: i got in touch with link again i.e. we finally had sex. AFTER TEN YEARS. it's the whole "every four years" thing that i had figured out. usually it would be just the making out thing. then it was official. whatever.

i also got to see some of my good friend, jules's gigs. it was ok. i got to see some gigs of other bands as well. it was fun for my being that i didn't sleep at home friday and saturday nights so i get to go out and actually enjoy my life. and this was bar review season, ha?

oh yeah, and i started blogging in may.

june: getting more used to the idea that M was parading the dentist in UE, my turf (regardless of what M says that it's hers, it's mine too, specifically the college of law, because i was the star. why'd you think she got tired of me? BECAUSE I WAS THE STAR bwahahahahahaha) and people could see them and they were all giving me these looks. like, "kawawa naman si bels" or even ask really insensitive questions like, "so ano naman ang masasabi mo?" and this is what i would normally say:


i was with ain for the most part of the review season, if i wasn't with my roommate/s. i saw some gigs and i got to reunite with 4V friends: patrick, chris, beth. it was hilarious.

july: i got to be with A again. not really us having a relationship again, it was just us clearing certain things. things like, M and i wouldn't be a thing had M not betrayed A or that i did not seduce M or that A is a jerk who did not fight for me. i actually thought i'd consider the possibility of getting back together with A. now that i think about it, it still wouldn't work. oh well.

august: i spent my birthday in the condo. we drank. i still was hanging around A. my roommate was doing things she would only think i'd do and she's doing it much worse than i. went to my first girlie bar (gay bars, you're next!), i saw some gigs. i slept in M's house with A next to me. i drank.

basically, i just kept on drinking on my birthday month like i wasn't reviewing for the frigging bar exams.

september: i took the bar exams at the De La Salle University. i whined about my roommate. i got to see my asshole ex-boyfriend because he took the bar too. i got to stay in the room next to M's room and i can hear her and her new girlfriend laugh, along with A. i got to go out with my brods and sisters and A and i held my head up high and prayed to the Lord God like i've never prayed before in my life. i got to meet my old classmates after the bar exam.

october: i rested for a whole month and then i tried to look for a job while staying in the shop occasionally so i can be useful to my father and for him not to bug me so much about not having a job or being fat and useless and ugly and shit. i got to see one of my SBs before he went to KSA and i did not do anything. is this a sign of being mature or what? oh, and my lawyer-friend (who, as it turns out, is not really my friend) whom i helped during his bar exams and who helped me in my bar exams could not defend me from the wrath of his equally ugly girlfriend when he was the one who kept on calling, texting and visiting me and giving me stuff i did not ask for. friendship cannot be bought, mine especially. stalker!

november: i finally got a job. met cris, met oreo, met karla, met my teammates, my crush with beautiful eyes. and after five years, i changed my cellphone number. oh, and i met Joe Black this month, too, as well as Agaw Agimat.

december: still training in the job. dealt with separating myself from cris and all the brouhaha caused by hanging out with her. met guys from bands again. met Piolo. met this wonderful person whom i will not name in order to protect his interest only that he's wonderful and he is not my boyfriend. met my new teammates. spent christmas and new year at the office. was drinking like hell. gave my dad my ATM card with all the money i worked hard (and stayed up late, if may add) for.

i would not have managed to survive and keep my sanity had it not been for the Big Guy Up There who watches over me and guides me in everything i do. i may be this unconventional non-practicing Catholic but i believe in Him so greatly and i owe my existence to Him. He gives me the strenght and wisdom to last yet another year of mundane life. He gave me my patience, my health, my voice, my mind, my heart, my soul. i will not last a day without Him, and yet, i often commit the mistake of ignoring His presence in my life. but He never lets me down. even when everybody else does.

2004 was a good year, it was a bad year. it's your outlook in life that makes something good or bad and it's your faith that saves you and keeps you sane. life is what you make it and you make it better yourself. learn from the past, live for the present, love the future.

that made sense, right?

Friday, January 21, 2005

i like this song right now, hope you do too

listening to my The Dawn cd, their new album HARAPIN. get one NOW!!!

there are so many Christian songs that don't sound like Christian songs at first. there's Five Candles by Jars of Clay. there's Come to Me by Battery (where is Mike Turner, et. al. now?). and there's this song by Thousand Foot Krutch. i like the lyrics so much. tickles my fancy just like the new Rivermaya song, You'll Be Safe Here (sensationalized by that teeny-bopper show on this local tv station. eew!). i wish someone would sing that to me.

anyway, the lyrics (because i hardly have time to sleep, much less figure out how to put music into this blog) of Thousand Foot Krutch's This is A Call.

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it's all right on, as she smiles again
And her mother lies there sick with cancer
And her friends don't understand her
She's a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this

She's calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I'm losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about

And he tells everyone a story,
Cause he thinks his life is boring
And he fights so you won't ignore him,
Cause that's his biggest fear
And he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it
And he loves but he's scared to use it
So he hides behind the music
Cause he likes it that way
And he knows, he's so much more than worthless
He needs to find the surface
Cause he's starting to get nervous


Have you ever felt this way before
Cause I don't wanna hide here anymore
Take me to a place where nothing's wrong
And thanks for coming, shut the door
And they say some one out there sees us,
Well if you're real, then save me Jesus
Cause I've been this way for far too long
I wasn't meant to feel alone


Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

"she used to be an alcoholic, now she's a bisexual . . . what could be next?"

funny, i drink alcohol more now than when i first met him.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

thus, are the words of the great Francis Reyes a.k.a. Francis Brew a.k.a. Kiko of The Dawn.

the man is a genius. he is the only guy i would consider stalking for real. i have always been enthralled by this man, with his small frame and his manly voice and those powerful fingers (he uses them to play guitar, duh?), i am badly smitten. you have to admit, the guy's a little short and he looks like Paolo Santos' long lost more talented brother, but the guy gets the hottest chicks. put me on that list.

when i first met Kiko in November 12, 1998 (see? i still remember the date!), on my first and only Rock Awards experience, where i got drunk with one bottle of San Miguel Pale Pilsen, having eaten nothing but cigarettes, i was in the middle of shy and bashful and for lack of a better word, relentless. i asked my good friends April (Tabitha to most people) and Cathy (Roxy, the bouncer announcer) to introduce me to him as i have never ever watched a Dawn gig in my whole life and my only connection to the rock world was the fact that there was this one great station called NU107 that played music to my ears.

sidebar: i have yet to face Marc Abaya again and tell him that i was this girl in Tutuban who asked him for a kiss on the cheek after they performed before Parokya ni Edgar in one of them Pocket Concerts. he also cut in line during the '98 Rock Awards. the bastard. i love that guy.

anyway, i told Kiko that i have always wanted to come up to him and ask him stuff but i never get the balls to do so but since i was drunk, i had an excuse (a lame one, at that). the post card he signed for me will tell you so. i was (still am) such a star struck fan. i became known as "the drunk girl from the Rock Awards" every time i'd call him, then i became "just bels" and then the "bels with a lesbian girlfriend", then more recently, "Attorney!".

i visited NU last tuesday (not this tuesday, last week tuesday) and he greeted me, "happy new year, Attorney!". music to my ears. you have no idea how happy i feel, even giddy, whenever i hear him say that. it feels good when i hear it from other people, but it's different whenever he says so. i keep telling him not to say it too often because it might be pre-empted and stuff but the guy, who only met me through NU and whose only recollection of me, probably, is the fact that i drink a lot, i engage in sexual activity with both sexes, i work in a call center, i listen to rock music and i just happen to finish this hard supposedly intellectual course called LAW.

wait a minute, that is a lot. oh yeah, and i know who his stalker is. she's a law student.

close kami, di ba?

now a call center agent. maybe you can put ATTORNEY next to that.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

forgetful you, forgettable me (caution to the wind, caution to the prude)

i can't forget the fact that i had sex the past week. it wasn't exactly mind blowing considering that i think i have lost the ability to reach an orgasm whether i am with a guy or with a girl. i even think it's very unfair to whoever i will have sex/make love with because they'll always think i'm faking it when i just happen to reach that point a little slower than most women. sometimes, not at all.

i used to be able to reach it early, even have multiple consecutive ones. i think the operation (details of which i am not at liberty to say here) affected some part of my system and has hampered me from experiencing any great pleasure whatsoever, hence, not really great sex for me. and if i might add, a very exhausting experience for whoever i am with.

i cannot forget him. maybe because he was very patient with me and even if it was just sex, he made me feel special. i do not harbor any illusions that it will be greater than that, like lightning strikes and we are suddenly in love. i am not like that. i haven't been like that in a long time. if i remember right, another sex buddy taught me that. i do not expect more than what a person can give me and i do not give more than what is expected of me. less expectation, less disappointment.

on the other hand, i am forgettable. i am one of probably a lot of girls who have come to bed with him and i am not surprised. he's a looker and he's good. of course, i will not go on and rate him here. when i say good, i was referring to his soul. you can tell a lot about a person just by looking at him/her. a naked person cannot lie. okay, i remember E saying that but i have no idea what its relevance is here.

i cannot forget her. she was so patient with me, just like he was. she tried as best she could to make me happy, satisfied. she kept on having insecurities because of me: my tongue is not wide enough, my fingers aren't long enough, other women i've been with should be really happy right now, but how come i can't make you happy? i kept on apologizing to her, saying that it wasn't her. it's probably me (i can hear sting in the background).

she forgot all about me. she forgot about the fact that i loved her so much; that even for such a short period of time, i cherished every moment with her. it never mattered what i did just to be able to keep her and what we had. it just vanished. the quicker they get you to bed, the quicker they can get you off their heads. i agree. i totally agree.

i am just so thankful that after my operation, there are things that i can remember and there are things that are forgotten for me. God gave me a very retentive memory, which unfortunately, becomes rusty during a law recitation or exam. but there are things, people, that i cannot forget no matter how i try. like him. like her.

Monday, January 17, 2005

rantings of a surrogate mother

don't you just hate it when you want to finish something but other people, without their knowledge, won't let you?

don't you just hate it when people just remember you when they need something or when they want to "share" something and out of being polite you just let them even when you want so much to do something else?

don't you just hate it when people ask favors from you and when you can't do it, make you feel like it's your fault for not doing it?

don't you just hate it when people borrow money from you and their reason is that, they're embarrassed to ask from their own parents? SAY WHAT NOW?

a mother's work is never done. and to think these kids aren't even really my children.

i had a hell of a time last friday night and i hoped so much that i didn't have to go to work. i was with erwin and his friends, who were all so nice to me and they really make me feel special when i hang around with them. my opinion mattered to them and i didn't have to sound like i was lecturing because i happened to be the youngest there. you have no idea how good it was to be in the company of people who were not insecure about themselves, who made a conscious choice to be single and are actually happy about it, who don't necessarily whine about really trivial stuff. it was liberating. i was pretty, i was smart, i was special. take note, i was special not because i was "the mama bels", i was special because i was bels. just bels.

when i started becoming mama bels to the people of CJ, the plan was just to be the kunsintidora, the ate who would listen to their problems. same thing for Beda, although for UE it was different because M was there and we really became surrogate parents. she wanted them to be our kids. she wanted them to bug us every Christmas with their problems and their kids. it kinda extended in wave nine because i was the law student, the second to the eldest (with chet gone, i am now the eldest), i was, "responsible" (yeah, right) and i had certain leadership skills.

in fairness, there are actually some kids who do look out for me and my best interest, who wish for me to be happy and content (or at least, wish that i get laid), and loved and that i don't really get tired of taking care of them to the point of neglecting myself. these are really selfless people whom i respect. sometimes, no matter how lovable some of my kids are, if they don't respect me, i get really pissed off.

i just want to be rid of these kids for a while. not really rid, like totally annihilate them from my system. i just wish that they know their place. while i do acknowledge the fact that they miss me or need me, i actually have my own life to live. sure, you'll say it's my fault because i have this tendency to spoil people. the thing is, if you respect the other person, you will not allow yourself to be spoiled. and i have always been a firm believer of the Golden Rule: you do to others how you want others to do you. i mean, you treat other people the same way you wish to be treated. i've always thought that if you are nice to people long enough, they just might give in and be nice back. it should work.

funny, it doesn't always.

the ditchdigger

find something that you love to do and you will never work a day in your life.

sick of this life
not that you care
i'm not the only one
with whom these feeling i share
but if i looked real hard i'd
i'd see you're trying to
understand this life
that we're all going through
- Dead Horse, Guns N' Roses

i learned this really interesting story in law school. it's about a ditchdigger. a man walks up to him and asks him why he digs the ditch. his reply was, "i dig the ditch so i can earn money to buy food that will give me strenght to dig the ditch".

i'm working in a call center while i'm waiting to become a lawyer. if i don't pass the frigging bar exam, i have to stay in the frigging call center so i can have money to review for the next bar exams. if i do pass, i still have to stay so i can get my bond and probably try to get promoted to some higher position which will allow me to sleep less than i actually do now and be more away from my dad than i actually am.

i really admire people who can do what they want to do and actually get paid for it, even for such a measly amount. i don't want to whine endlessly about how i never really wanted to go to law school or that i'm working at such a crappy call center when i could be at home sleeping. i love the law and i studied six years of my life to try my best to improve the system and protect the people covered by the law. i work at a call center to escape my sui generis father, earn money and meet people outside the lesbian telenovela scene. i just think that sometimes that i could be happier doing something else, even for a modicum amount of money. who knows, right? i could be the first lawyer who could pass a bill for gay rights, cancer patients, AIDS patients, single mothers, rock stars, independent writers, customer service representatives. everything happens for a reason. God is good and merciful and i might not have to endure so much crap than what i actually am experiencing now.

so i take calls, irate calls, in order to become a lawyer who will take more calls or train people to take calls properly.


Friday, January 14, 2005

good ache

i had sex, err, six points today. was able to sell, finally. after all those irate callers. not bad.

i was only able to sleep for a two and a half hours: 1 1/2 hours here at home, 1 hour at work. not bad. i'm still blogging right now, aren't i? it just means i'm still alive and kicking. lack of sleep never killed anyone.

my body is aching like hell. but it's a good ache. thank God.

i have no idea how i'm going to lose all the weight i gained ever since reviewing for the bar exams. i have no idea how i am going to survive the next few months working in a call center. if i don't pass the bar, i'd have to stay here in order to support myself so i can review again. i just don't know how i'll pull it off since that will take so much out of me. but if i'll look pretty waify, who cares? we'll all die someday. besides, i smoke so i'm slowly killing my body anyway.

one of the coaches, Shelo, has a cold but she still continues to smoke. i was smoking with her earlier this morning, like midnight, after going somewhere. they told her to slow down on the cigs for a while because she's sick and she might die. she said, "kahit mamatay ako, at least, nasarapan muna ko".

i totally agree.

my body aches right now. but it's a good ache.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

i don't have a fucking lisp!

it's probably karma.

or something i ate.

or talking over the phone for the last nine hours saying the same thing over and over again.

i just finished talking to this guy over the phone and before we hung up he said, "me lisp ka pala" and i go, "WHAT?!" i totally resented it, like violent reaction to the max. i've been speaking english for the last 27 years. i even pride myself in speaking it better than most of the stupid americans i talk to over the phone everyday about their billing concerns, credit requests and cancellations. I DO NOT HAVE A FRIGGING LISP! besides, i have really grave laitera friends (like chris, hehehe), it would've come up sooner or later in one of our laitan sessions or whenever we feel like dissing each other when we've grown tired of dissing everyone else.

how dare that guy? okay, he has a point, maybe i do. maybe i don't. i immediately did a survey of all my friends and they do attest that i do not have a lisp. these are people who have been with me through good and bad and will not stop to flatter me if they know i'm doing something wrong or look bad in my outfit or am saying something distasteful. or should i say, "DISHTATHEPHUL"?

i don't have anything against people with lisps. some of the nicest people i know have them. but when you say something like that to me, i really take it seriously. it's like accusing me of stealing something or somebody when i didn't or telling me i'm fake when i am not. i just don't think that a single conversation over the phone would be able to prove that. i've been talking to people in english for the most part of my life so i totally resent it.

maybe i have to stay some years in california or london to actually tell i'm good.

tell me.

Monday, January 10, 2005

i are exhibitionist

i had a dream. it was so weird because it felt so real.

you know those dreams where you are either away or after something so hard that the moment you wake up you feel really really tired?

i had one such dream only it did not involve running.

i was fondling myself in front of my webcam while talking to this guy over the net.

it felt weird. i am supposed to fearless, insane and bitchy but somehow the thought of doing it alone while i was being watched didn't, doesn't sit well with me.

so i said i'd try anything once, except sex and drugs. but i am supposed to have limits.

what if it was actually real and i'm dreaming about being awake now?

what the hell would i say to my "kids"? what if he wasn't the only one watching me? what if it comes out and is sold for twenty bucks a piece in quiapo and greenhills? what if i get disbarred for it? what if nobody buys it, does it mean i look that terrible naked? finding humor in the worst circumstances is my best quality, although my sense of humor can be dark. baring myself isn't. whenever i look in the mirror naked i keep thinking that God wasn't fair to all His children.

i am not as perverted as i look. liberated, yes. perverted, no.

if ever i'd bare myself in front of anyone, that person would be special. i know so. and if i did, bare in front of someone, who wasn't as special, i'd probably have some underlying reason for doing so. i think. even if i'd do it for sex, i know that whoever i was doing is special, even if it's just sex. because i don't just jump into bed with anyone. if i did, i shouldn't be tigang right now, right?

which is real? the dream or the deed?

Sunday, January 09, 2005

she reminds me of you

you and i are the pictures running through my head
you and i are the memories that will never go dead
everything that ever mattered you said
- Pudgy, Fatal Posporos

i saw somebody in front of my office, walking. she probably works in the same building or the same company i work for but on a different account. she looked so attractive. the way she wore her shirt, her jacket, her pants, her cap, even the way she carried her bag. pati side view. she looked exactly like M, she just happens to be morena and M is tisay.

i've gotten over M, i'd like to think. i mean, i don't talk about her as much as i used to and i am no longer affected when her name comes up (probably because i'm at work where nobody knows her except pam and she's on a different account), or when i see this lesbian from wave 10 who's sweet to me and they have the same name or when i see my dentist. i just happen to be a butch-magnet, that's all. according to oreo, i still have this aura that attracts lesbians and fellow bisexuals, which explains the girl from RMH in sizzling stop last new year and the girl from wave 10 with the same name, and the Starbucks manager, multiple messages from E, among other lesbians. oh, and cris too, who's found a big daddy (or babysitter) in the arms of my neighbor jordan(thank God), who still gives me the eye, sometimes.

sidebar: my dad thinks my neighbor jordan is courting me. i don't like him at all. i do like my teammate jordan, though. we like the same stuff and we're into the same music. we're good seatmates, until i had to transfer. bummer.

i really don't have anything against people of my kind (i sound like i'm talking about vampires), i have high respect for people who have found true love with people from the same sex. i totally envy it, even. it's just that, i want to give heterosexual men another try for the reason that going back to another lesbian relationship will only remind me of M. or A. or E. that would be very unfair to whoever will be the next lesbian in my life. i mean, the next man will always have to be up to par with M, and that sucks big time already.

according to the guy who's wooing me, the girl's name is Diane. wow, so girly. so M-looking. i hope she's not with a dentist too.

i loved M. maybe i will never find someone else that i will love as much as i loved M. but M's gone and all i have are so darn many pictures of a love that used to be.

maybe it's good, often it's not.
i still find it sad we're not together.
- Hung Up On You, Madder Rose

houston, we have a problem

my shift starts from 4am to 1pm. that's like 3pm to 12mn in the US. it's actually a favorable set up when you think about it because my dad doesn't want me to commute on the wee hours of the morning so i am at the office as early as 9 or 10pm and i can go wherever i want if i don't feel like sleeping before my shift starts. it's just hell on the body that's all. my health is failing immensely. i don't get to do some of the stuff i want to do, like sleep comfortably, for instance.

i have new teammates, they're all nice and i have this really nice coach. but i can't frigging sell. even if i want so much to sell, all the callers i get are irate because of their billing problems. most of my wavemates who now belong to other teams have gone AWOL now, and i really miss them. i can't fulfill my job of fixing their IDs because they stopped showing up and i can't really give it back to HR without everybody else's ID. a mother/lead rep's work is simply never done.

i love my new teammates, which comprises of 3 old wavemates. it's fun because we all jell well together already, except for some ugly people. when i say ugly, i mean it in terms of attitude. i just feel bad when i don't get to sell much because i feel like i'm pulling the team down. i really get depressed that way because even if we're all having fun as a group, the fact still remains that you have to sell, you have to improve on quality and shit. i suck. can i go back to law school?

or, better yet, can i just die?

i get to see my crushes pa rin even if they're on the other side of the bay or at a different work shift. what matters is that i still get to see them or talk to them once in a while. it's not like i'm gonna marry them or anything, hello?! i just like to see them because they lift my spirit just by the sight of them.

it just makes me sad, though, that some of them are leaving, moving on to do other stuff, just when i was getting to know them. that sucks big time. who can i turn to when i need guidance on something?

if i don't get to sell, they'll either fire me or put me on to some other department where i'll get more irate callers. hmp. it is a problem, indeed.

Monday, January 03, 2005

beggars can be choosers

i have been single for over a year now. i kinda noticed that when the last two weeks were unusually cold and all i could do was console people who had spent the past two weeks quarrelling with their significant others. i mean, come on, rub it in my face huh? you have someone and you argue with them. wonderful.

when i was still with M, i had the pleasure of people feeding my ego. i was with someone and yet, all these people were running after me. there was mike, there was E, i had feelers from A even if she was still with girlfriend, i had link wanting to be with me (so he could smile a little), i had these calls from people who got my number somewhere along the way, etc. in short, i had more market value when i was attached. because people, by nature, will always want something they know fully well they cannot have. i know so. i haven't had the same feelers after M and i split up, which should be easy considering, hello?! i'm free now!!! but then, i had no takers. there simply was no one interested all of a sudden, just when i was okay to entertain them.

i don't have anything against lesbians and ugly men, i don't. i'm a bisexual, so i should be able to attract beautiful people from the same sex because they can smell me from afar. that's the deal with being like this: your kind can detect people like them. i'm beautiful, regardless of all the self-demeaning crap i fill in this blog, i deserve to get hit on by people who are just as attractive (okay, that was way harsh), or nice or intelligent. it's just that i don't want any complications right now. as much as possible, i don't like leading people on. i could be very picky, regardless of the fact that i am unbeautiful. come on, don't i have a right to be? after all those mean, ugly assholes i dated. good karma dictates that i be with someone equally nice, sweet, beautiful and intelligent. i sound arrogant but it's true. there must be a balance in the force.

people, especially women, shouldn't settle for anything less than the real thing, the true thing. just because i'm alone it doesn't mean that i'll sell myself short or that i don't have standards (violent reactions from people who actually know me) or that i have to pick the first guy/girl that gives me attention. i don't have to. i don't want to change just because people say i need overhauling just to get a guy. i'm actually stubborn in that area when i say that if a guy likes me, he will see the true me, regardless of the bitchy, cold, angry facade. of course, if he'd rather go for the white waif, who's stopping him right? i don't have time for stupid people.

i don't have to be alone all the time. i don't have to jump in the next relationship that i will ruin through my neurosis because i was pushed into it by artificial happiness. i can be happy on my own. although we all can agree that i could be happier. i just don't want to be forced to have a relationship because i'm alone while everybody else isn't. i don't work that way.

this means that i will whine about being single for the rest of 2005. unless you come around . . .

so come around . . .

Sunday, January 02, 2005

the end is the beginning is the end

i really like that song.

so 2004 finally ended with me not blogging about anything. everything happened so fast i don't know if i should write a weekend review or a year end report.

i really hate the fact that whenever i try to start a new leaf or whenever i try to acquaint myself with new people, i only end up saying goodbye to them. in short, i was only starting to get to know these people. now i have to let them go?

we drank the day before graduation, we drank morning of the new year. yes people, i'm slowly becoming a lazy ass drunken girl again. never been this drunk since review for the bar exams. anyway, we even went to a videoke bar. liza just woke up and asked who was going to do "bring me to life" by evanescence and was saying good luck to whoever was going to do it. ang taas kaya niyan. gayle said it was mommy's song. good luck daw to me. well, hindi niyo talaga ko kilala. everytime i sing a song, adjie hugs me. (i wonder why you don't hug me, you don't even make beso-beso to me when we've been drinking together for a long time now. you make beso-beso to everybody else. i wish you hugged me instead.) it's like i suddenly feel beautiful for a moment.

when we graduated, i didn't get my certificate, adjie got two. the whole class said i was mommy akol anyway. yeah, right. the whole class also didn't hide whatever disgust they had for cris. no one but a few people clapped their hands. oh yeah, people called me "plastic" when i clapped my hands when she graduated. they called me plastic again when i clapped my hands after she won an award for selling. she doesn't deserve it. 12 points of those sales belong to our trainer. we got to meet our respective new coaches and teammates afterwards. i love my teammates. they're all beautiful and wonderful and kind. oh yeah, and i still get to be with liza, blythe and alvin. i'll still get to see beautiful eyes even if he goes home early. i'll still get to see Dan even if he's on the other side of the bays.

i did get to kiss you for the new year. i do remember you kissing me. i do remember walking you home. yes, that was real. and i enjoyed every second of it even if i knew you didn't want me to.

i got to meet some people from another call center. i was trying to get this really wasted cute guy with dimples' attention but the girl they were with was able to smell me from afar. so they left us alone to talk. damnit, what the hell do i have?! some lesbian pheromone? the only people i'm attracting so far are lesbians and ugly men! oh well.

cris is on the same team as my neighbor jordan. i had to warn him. he said he could handle her so she made him her baby sitter for the new year. ang galing di ba?

i'm going to like this year. this team. this thing. this job. this fate. everything. i should. there's no escaping it anyway.