Tuesday, November 30, 2004

why do people have trouble believing this is me?

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no, seriously, this is me. ust commerce 1998

do i really look that bad now?

Monday, November 29, 2004

a sudden rush of what-the-hell-am-i-doing-here

listening to no doubt's running

i miss M. i miss M more than usual now, more than i should. in fact, i shouldn't miss her. she's with the new girlfriend now. almost everything i experience right now, everything i see, hear, taste, touch, i sort of associate with her. it's bad, i know it's bad. it's not good for my sanity nor for my self-esteem but i remember her. i miss her more than anything.

to add confusion to my already fucked-up brain, i miss A too. i wish i was with her, not all the time though. let me put it this way: i get inundated with M memories and a few flashes of A. between M and A, A was pretty proud of me that i have a job now. if E knew, she'd congratulate me too. i miss kissing A. i forgot how kissing M or E felt like because they were taken away from me by someone. i miss kissing A probably because she was the last one i kissed and the last person who made me feel special before i started working.

why do i remember these people? i spent a good two months trying to avoid them, trying not to have anything to do with them. i really wanted the whole bar season to end. that way i could start a new life and use a new mobile phone number. i really wanted to stay away from the lesbian telenovela scene. it had so much drama. i wanted to forget i knew the law because knowing the law meant i knew them. i met them at law school!!! i wanted so much to take a break from law school and lesbians. i just got so tired of every frigging detail.

some time last week, john was discussing bills and taxes and he didn't know what excise taxes were. but he had to explain it, only he didn't know how. but i did. i knew what excise taxes were and i told the class.

excise taxes: imposed upon the performance of an act, the enjoyment of a privilege, or practice of an occupation, business or profession

i suddenly felt a rush. damnit, i know something you guys don't. and i didn't even get that from law school. i got that from business school! i had tax class even before i went to law school and you guys still didn't know that?!

it felt good to say something in class and it was relevant, not like the usual wisecracks i come up with. it was actually relevant. i felt good about me. and then i suddenly missed going to class, law classes. i remembered how A would tell me that she did good in her recitations. i remembered how E managed to answer her professor's questions even if she went over to my house and didn't get to study. who could forget M's 100 in Commercial Law Review final (the one she made sure everybody remembered and knew about)? and what did i do in law school? i get good written exams, not necessarily a 100 (i stand by my story about M's 100. she studied, yes, i give her that. but . . . ) and answer most questions in my subjects. being able to remember something as easy as an excise tax definition isn't much, i know. but the fact that i still remember and was able to explain it to a bunch of 20 year-olds felt good. and then i missed my lesbian exs. then i didn't feel so good.

what the hell am i doing here? why am i here again? because whether or not i pass the bar, i'd still be studying law anyway. because the chances of me running into my exs or my law school enemies are little because they work in the daytime and i don't. because i'd earn here something i might not earn working as a paralegal. because i wanted the change. and what a change it is.

i remember M telling me the day she broke up with me (and this has no relevance whatsoever to my story, only that it is proof of how much i miss her. the mush. eew) that she will never find anyone as weird or as neurotic as i am and even if she did find someone who was such, "they're not you".

a month later, she was courting her dentist. damnit, i can't believe i fell for that. i was so stupid. so gullible. maybe i deserve to be here. maybe i belong here. now i know why they call it a rush. it quickly passes.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

what i hate about this class

listening to free cd from mario of the gweilos hour, jack lives here in session manila , kjwan's boomerang

i hate the way they overtalk john, our trainer, whenever he's discussing something in front. i hate the fact that they act like kids who need to be told not to talk whenever somebody else is saying something important in front. i hate that they call me "mama" but they don't respect me. i hate the fact that there are some people in my so-called group who are like the idiots and hypocrites they so like to diss. i hate the fact that there are people in this group actually had the nerve to say that they don't want to speak in straight english because according to them, "nanay mo nga tagalog ng tagalog eh" even if it's the number one rule we have to follow. is this how they want to play it?

people, when i speak in english, i speak really really good english. when i speak in tagalog, i speak really malutong na tagalog. i don't want to be accused of being coño, or of trying too hard. neither do i want to insult anyone who speaks to me in tagalog by talking to them in english.

i promised chris that i wouldn't be the arrogant english speaking idiot we often see working in these companies. i promised rose that i wouldn't lose it over some trivial thing. i promised tina that i'd swallow my pride for just that, the money. i wouldn't lose myself, my ideals, my dreams of becoming better than what i am right now.

i don't sing too much in class. there are too many great singers in my training class. i don't try to project too much. there are too many girls/guys in class who think they're cute. i don't flaunt my intelligence. all of us are graduates. i just happen to have a law degree but we're all basically the same =) i don't want to have to release any stupid law jargon just to prove how smart i am. i know how smart i am. lawyer by next year or not, nobody can change that.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

face to face with qt and agaw agimat

listening to urbandub's influence album

i visited NU107 last night before my shift with my friend cris, my officemate, to check on erwin and mario and the gweilos hour. when we got there, good ol' Mr. SLAH was there, an hour early for his metal madness show. i saw mario and a few other people. they usually have guests in the gweilos hour that i don't know about. you just hear about them the moment you tune in. i couldn't recognize their guests. erwin was still on his honeymoon. i have to write that guy and tell him and yvonne to bring home an englishman for me. anyway, there was this cute tall thin guy though. caught my eye. caught cris' eye too. well, cris doesn't exactly miss anyone. the kid takes after mama bels' flirtatious behaviour. kinda like bels circa '97-2000. anyway, i digress. it turns out, the cute tall guy happens to be Hank, agaw agimat bassist. mario introduced me to him and Jephthah, the drummer, when QT and Renmin walked in.

oh, by the way, QT and Renmin are married now =) this was one of those nights when i'm pissed with myself because i wasn't able to bring anything for them to sign on. you know, the fan in me. when i was still reviewing, i even let zach and aia of imago sign my labor book and i let karl roy sign my civil code. i didn't have anything for QT to sign. but i got their number for bookings and inquiries. too bad i didn't get hank's number.

i suddenly feel embarrassed that i don't have their album yet. haven't gotten my pay yet. haven't been to the malls yet. maybe when i get me money, i'll get their mantra =)

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

cliche (a.k.a. mush alert!!!)

this song was written in 1997 at the UST CJ office
lyrics by Bels Dacumos, Tina Aguilar and Beth Adaoag
music by Precy de Jesus

(precy strums the guitar then duane comes in. since i heart him at the time, i blurt out the lyrics . . .)

i've always wanted to hold you
but time always keeps us apart

if only i had the strenght to tell you
what i'm keeping deep inside my heart

that i love you, yes, i do
i love you, only you

all alone i'm thinking of you
in this empty room wishing you were here
if only i could turn back time
then everything will be alright
you're whispering the words i want to hear

you're saying "i love you, yes, i do
i love you, only you"

we can get through, we can break this wall
because i have faith in you
i believe in us together

open your eyes and see the truth
it's me you need
and all i need is you

all rights reserved.

don't test me on this. 'coz as reese witherspoon said, "i'm a law student" =)

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

fiddle, fiddle. niblets, niblets

when M and I used to go out, we'd buy lots of books and cds and vcds and band equpiment, etc. we usually did our shopping before going to our law classes. i'd buy a cd or a book and she'd buy something, we'd always buy something for each other and we got something for ourselves. wait, i just said that. anyway, after we did our shopping, by the time we get to the fx, we'd say "fiddle, fiddle" and we'd open the plastic bags in the fx and start checking out the stuff we just bought. i know it sounds a bit childish but we were both crazy about things and about each other at the time so we were like little kids who were opening their toys for the first time. then i'd read by book and she'd check out her cd or new hardware tool, whatever. whenever i was done "fiddling" or she was done "fiddling", we'd go back to bugging the other who was still engrossed in her new toy/thing/whatever. i'd nibble her ears or she would nibble mine in little small nibbles, like a mouse would go nibble an ear of corn. hence, the term, "niblets, niblets". we'd tickle each other.

after M and i broke up, i had probably bought a couple of tapes, cds, vcds. and books, the latest of which is Citizen Girl, from the same people who gave us The Nanny Diaries which i haven't really read; Fast Food Fiction, which is a collection of really, really, really short stories from some of the best Filipino authors and The Eraserheads' Fruitcake, which i got for only P30. i got the Orange and Lemons album, the Kjwan self-tilted debut album, among other things. but i never really got to share opening their wrappers one by one with anybody. well, not anymore.

it would've been fun to open them with someone, share that childlike experience of taking out their wrappers carefully (so if they're defective, we can have them exchanged) and flipping through the book's pages or the cd's leaflet/lyric sheet with someone. now, she's probably doing that with somebody else.

oh yeah, she's already doing it with someone else.

i sound pathetic, don't i?

when i was opening the wrapper of the citizen girl book in the fx, i couldn't open it. the guy behind me finally got pissed off watching me so he offered his swiss knife so i could slit the damn plastic cover off the book. i wanted to use it to slit my throat 'coz i missed M so much. i missed feeling loved so much. feeling niblets in my ear.

guess i have to do that on my own.

oh yeah, since M and I broke up, i have been doing it on my own.

Monday, November 22, 2004


aaarghhh!!!! my legs are still aching from the buttspell our trainer made us do. we were late because we were smoking and talking downstairs about the people who piss us off in class. that's how it is. you're late for work, you spell with your butt. you speak in tagalog, you spell with your butt. in front of your teammates or another training class.

my wavemates and i went for a drink at whistlestop before calling it a day. we felt we deserved it. it gave us some more time to talk and discuss about the people who pissed us off. we talked about our payroll and how we might not be able to get the full amount of our month's work. we dissed people some more. i told them that i was glad to be working with them, at least they're not braindead. they told me that every company has at least one braindead person in its staff.

i haven't been getting enough sleep. i sometimes doze off in the training because i don't have a computer to navigate. there are some people who could've shared a unit with you but they'd rather keep it to themselves. i share one station with this guy who probably thinks i don't have taste (translation: he probably thinks i like him. i don't. you know how flirtatious i get. the one i want is unattainable) , he's getting to be really good at navigating the PC because he hogs the computer, he's always the one driving. well, at least he let me share the unit with him. it could've been worse right? i totally sucked doing role-playing. it just seems so easy when you're sitting in your own spot. nobody told me that everything you know does vanish the moment you're up there!

what i miss most ever since i started working aside from having enough sleep is going out with my friends. it's just like when i was still reviewing. i got to go out at night. chris told me that things would be different once i start working, especially in a call center. he said that i wouldn't have a life. well, i try to do what i can. right now, i don't only not have money, or a honey and i don't really get to see my homies (futile attempt at rhyming there).

i just hope things turn out okay. there should be a point to all this not being able to sleep very well, not seeing your loved-ones, not being with your friends, not having a life. i mean, it's not different from law school although law school is like a killer hands down. but i still want to be a lawyer. and i still want to go to work.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

mama gina (a.k.a. there's not much of a difference between law school and call centers)

my trainer's favorite words: make sense? alright, cool.

i'm finding it weird that i'm not the center of negative energy at training class. i know that i have a tendency to rub off people the wrong way and they'd hate me after that no matter how much i've proven them otherwise. i don't find it weird that i'm once again the nanay of the class. the gina part, that, i find weird. i think it's because i don't have any pretensions. when i speak in english i don't sound like i'm trying too hard. when i speak in tagalog, i speak tagalog with a crisp. in short, i'm not coño. i've earned their respect even though i work under the radar. people have respect for me because i'm older, i seem mysterious and in a way, much wiser. oh yeah, it's also because i'm a fucking law graduate and nobody wants to mess with me. damnit, lawyer by next year or not, you can't change the fact that i finished law school. and even if five thousand four hundred twenty-two other people finished law school and took the bar this year, you can't really deny the fact that law school isn't exactly a walk in the park.

i don't really like to put labels on people. i don't really like it when people get this weird or negative first impression about me and then not change their mind afterwards even when i haven't really done anything for them to hate me so much. so i try to keep an open mind about people and give them the benefit of the doubt until they prove me otherwise.

there was this girl i found really hot and i thought she was pretty. but then she opened her mouth and i realized that she was pretty stupid. i tried hanging out with her, you know, smoke with her during breaks to find out if she had any redeeming factors to make her worth my time and friendship and i got really disappointed. i don't really enjoy hearing about people who do nothing but spend their parents' money to get wasted. i hate being right about people. especially when i'm right the negative way.

there's this girl i hang out with a lot. i wouldn't normally hang out with her considering that her voice is high-pitched and really irritating. but the kid is so true to herself that you can't help but adore her and just skip the part where her voice is shrieking and it's hurting your eardrums. i am actually part of a big group and i'm not used to it considering that i like being alone. it's weird. we have this sort of alliance or special circle. guess what my role is?

there ain't much of a difference between law and call centers because a) you get zero hours of sleep or none at all; b) assholes and bitches are a common breed. they can be found anywhere in the world; c) people will always be mean to you no matter what, regardless of your working environment; d) there is always someone with a high-pitched voice somewhere; e) there's always someone who thinks they're better than others and try to put others down to elevate themselves (hmmn . . . sounds familiar); f) people will always talk about you behind your back (it's just that in law school, they use law terms and in call centers, the words they use vary from campaign to campaign); and g) the possibility that you'll have lung cancer, a liver or kidney problem can be seen in both scenarios.

before working in a call center i thought that most kids who work here are pompous and arrogant. that's partly true because there are kids here who think they're better than you are and they put labels on you just because you're loud and you speak your mind. they don't bother making friends with you because they think you're not worth their time. and it's also partly not true. a lot of the people that i share training class with are just trying to earn a living and helping their parents or proving something to themselves. nothing wrong with that. and while i get really pissed off with some of these people because they're kids and they don't know the value of money or respect or because they simply are a bunch of stuck-up little idiots, the number of people that are actually nice sorta offsets it all. i don't really have to deal with them and their i'm-better-than-all-you mentality. and even if i do have to deal with them and they give me a hard time, the fact remains: they're still the stuck-up little idiots that that they are and i'm still the fucking law graduate (who hasn't exactly seen a lot of action lately).

make sense? alright, cool.

dozing off at work

so much for my vampire lifestyle. i keep dozing off. fuck.

it's like law review school all over again. you're listening intently because every detail is so fucking important but you can't stay awake because you know everybody else in the planet is in deep slumber.

i like my class/training work/office, whatever. we have this sort of alliance. will discuss later on in the day when feeling more awake. hopefully even post pictures.

haay naku. there's no easy way to make a living. really. ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thursday, November 18, 2004

the first five days at work

listening to lamb's gorecki (still haven't figured out how to put music in the damn page. sowee!)

warning: DO NOT READ THIS IF a) having zero hours of sleep; b) lacking ability to poo; c) throwing up incessantly grosses the hell out of you.

i survived the first five days at work even if it means having fucked up all your sense of time. i have no idea what it is today. i have been awake for more than 25 hours. i just got home from having my medical checkup, employment requisite. i could've gone home earlier if i had been in control of my bodily functions. don't you just hate it when you have to do something really really important and your body doesn't react to you the way it should? i had to go to the clinic because they needed all the employment requirements by their desk end of this week and i figured since i was able to catch a few z's (just a few. was awaken by classmates/officemates, because it felt like a class anyway, singing to Madonna's Crazy For You), i might as well go to Makati and get it over with. and my dad accused me of actually going to the mall. some dad, huh? i could've gotten home sooner, i mean, who doesn't want to go home and get some sleep? but i couldn't fucking poo! sorry to the sensitive.

as i said, our work trainer is very very nice and cute. but he's engaged and i have enough people blaming me for their broken relationships. i just want to be the guy's friend. i have a different crush at work. the man is cute, but he's still a kid. i'm older than him by 5 years which isn't a lot actually. i just don't think a cute guy like that would ever find me attractive.

there's this girl whom i thought was pretty but then she started opening her mouth to talk and i found her pretty stupid. it's just like walking among the braindead. it just proves the theory that some call center kids are just arrogant english speaking dudes who "work" to get more gimmick money. i get along with my other officemates. it's just that most of them are so young that they don't know the value of money yet and they don't follow rules (like don't speak in tagalog, don't talk while somebody else is talking in front, or there's a limit between what you can actually say to your trainer as his friend and what you can say to him as his student. in other words, respect is sorta important. i admire the guy for his patience. last night he sang along This Love by Maroon5 and muttered the lyrics, "this class is taking its toll on me," because we could really get on his nerves if we could help it. he just lets us get away with it because the man is all about fun.

1) Play
2) Make their day
3) Be There
4) Have Fun

i'm trying to learn to have fun. you learn something new everyday. i meet new people everyday and every once in a while i meet someone from my past like a schoolmate in elementary or high school or college or a neighbor or a relative. it's cool. i just don't think i will ever have a love life for the next six months or more. or a social life. or a sex life. or a life period.

i'm just so proud of myself. this is my first job. it's not much to some people and to to others it's like, "duh, what the hell is a law grad doing in a call center, hello?!" but i'm starting to like it. i mean, i love it. it's work, it pays good money, the people are nice and it's better than bumming around, that's for sure. i'm okay. i'll be okay.

damnit, i wonder how i'll hold up for tonight's class. sigh.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

confused, incompetent, rude

i was at training class today. there was a new guy in class, he sits next to me and we pair up in activities. i feel like i'm in college again. pair and group activities, hanging out during breaks, smoking, having a crush on the American trainer who looks like Adam Levine of Maroon5, stuff like that.

i miss being alone. during breaks i always have people with me when i smoke. i miss my old smoking buddies: ain, M, A, the tall thin cute guy with dimples. i get to talk about A, M, and E a lot because everybody in class is so interested about me; they never really thought that i was the girl in the relationship. they get the shock of their life when they see my grad pictures. ang ganda ko naman kasi!

i miss them in different degrees. in E, i miss the friend i could kiss and talk to about anything. in M, i miss the person i almost spent the rest of my life with. in A, i have no idea but among these three lesbians, she's the one i miss the most. it's weird because A and I only spent a total of four months together. two months in 2000, before M and two months this year, after M. i miss all of them because there is another bisexual in class and she's also an only child. she gets some action, i don't. so you could say that's why i miss my butches (pwede ring "i" instead of the "u"), because she gets laid, i don't. she flirts around me a lot. she's nice but i don't look at her that way.

i mean, i love lesbians. lesbians are so hot. pero lalake naman muna, pwede?

a friend from college will come back from the US next year to see me. i like him, he likes me. falls under the category, "lalake". is cute, plays guitar. will do nasty things to me upon reaching Philippine territory. then what? he leaves afterwards and i am left with nothing again. not that i expected anything to begin with. a long-distance relationship is out of the question. it just gives people mixed feelings.

i've always been picked to be the group speaker. i have no idea why. we all seem to speak well in English. i just don't understand why it has to be me. maybe they're just better off speaking over the phone and not anywhere else. but shouldn't they be able to pull it off in front of the camera and out?

bels: sweetie, tone down a bit. i like you but not that way.
girl: don't worry, bels, we're not gonna have sex. i don't like to collect antiques!

Saturday, November 13, 2004

sometimes the things we fear the most are the things that we become

i already have a job.

i don't sound too happy, do i? that's because before i got this job, i used to diss people who have this job. i used to think that a lot of them were a bunch of arrogant people who just happened to be good in English. now i work with them, i love some of the people, they're actually very nice. but i still think some of them are a bunch of idiots who just happen to be good in speaking English.

i don't wanna get bitter
i don't wanna turn cruel
i don't wanna get old before i have to
i don't wanna get jaded
petrified and weighted
i don't wanna be bitter like you

- Bitter, Jill Sobule

my Dad can be a real jerk. i think one of my friends described him as pure evil. he can be really really mean. he always says that i will never amount to anything. no matter what i do, no matter how much i've achieved, i'm still not good enough for my old man. he has so much anger. he hates gay people which is ironic because i'm not really straight. he can be very materialistic and all other shit i don't really feel like talking about right now. it's a double-edged sword since all this hostility towards my whole being has made me a stronger person, however, the longer i stay with my father, the more i fear that i'd end up like him. i already have so much anger in me right now. i don't want to be like him.

all men marry their mothers. all women become their mothers.
- Jessica Zafra, Chicken Pox for the Soul

guys like to mistreat women. (without meaning to generalize) guys tend to hurt women's feelings, without thinking of the consequences. they treat women like shit and they want to bring the best to mama. but if all the nice women have been scarred already, what else is there to show to mama? they like to be taken cared of so they want someone who's close to what mom is like. wussies. there is actually a guy who did marry his mom. remember Oedipus?

much as we hate to admit, we want to be like our moms. we want to build our home the way our mothers brought us up. my mother had very strong qualities, although i don't think bisexuality was one of them. i am scared too, that i'd be like her in the sense that she never really fought for her rights in the house when my father was out of line. i hated that. i don't want a married life like that. oh yeah, i didn't want to get married to begin with.

when you can put a face on what you fear, you can beat it
- Coach Whitey, One Tree Hill

we don't have to be serial killers or rapists. we don't have to end up being the person we don't want to be. life is all about choices and i know it's sounding too cliche but we can choose not to be the persons we hate. we can be happy. it's just a matter of believing in our capacity to discern, in our belief in ourselves.

ergo: i will not be an arrogant English-speaking idiot. i will not be a homophobic condescending self-righteous bald man. i will not be a submissive wife. i will not be anything i don't want to become. i will not be unhappy. i will not allow my hate to take over me.

Friday, November 12, 2004

beginning the vampire lifestyle

listening to the now-defunct A Murder of Crows Not My Day (when i finally learn how to put music in this thing, i'll let you guys hear it. i tend to be PC illiterate, remember?)

i started training for work today. had to wake up at 3.30am to be able to get to ortigas at around 6am. gaaad . . . was that hard! next monday we'll be starting the graveyard shifts of 10 pm to 7am. i don't really have any problem staying up late considering that i've been reviewing around that time and i surf the net and sleep at around 4am just checking out other people's blogs. how hard can it be? i just hope i can follow through and stuff. i hate to get fatter than i already am. i don't want those black circles around my eyes. but you have to, because work requires that you do stay up late.

interesting day at training. we have a cute trainer. i thought he was brit. he's actually an american. he's tall and thin and cute and hot and very funny. you couldn't tell that he lacked sleep. i also met some very weird people. i mean, if you thought i was slutty or weird, you should meet the people i'll be working with.

another thing i look forward to is seeing celebs. i mean, rock celebs. this morning i saw Quark Henares and Diego Castro and Francis Reyes and they were having a meeting with other people. they looked so cute. so near. so human.

i've always been fascinated by vampires. sleep all day, wreck havoc in the night. i'll finally get to live like one. no more one-night stands. just one-day stands.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

because there are things i have trouble forgetting

jeepney by sponge cola

bumaba ako sa jeepney
kung saan tayo'y dating magkatabi
magkahalik ang pisngi nating dalawa, nating dalawa

panyo mo sa aking bulsa
ang kahapon ay naroon pa rin
tawa nati'y humahalay sa init nating dalawa

subalit ngayo'y wala na
ikaw ngayo'y lumayo na

Naaalala ko ang mga gabing nakahiga sa ilalim ng kalawakan
naaalala ko ang mga gabing magkatabi sa ulan

kulay ng iyong ngiti
at tikwas ng iyong buhok
ang lambot ng iyong labi
kahit anino mo sa malayo
ay nais masulyapan
upang mapawi ang lamig

subalit ngayo'y wala na
ikaw ngayo'y lumayo na

naaalala ko ang mga gabing nakahiga sa ilalim ng kalawakan
naaalala ko ang mga gabing magkatabi sa ulan

subalit ngayo'y wala na
ikaw ngayo'y lumayo na

naaalala ko ang mga gabing nakahiga sa ilalim ng kalawakan
naaalala ko ang mga gabing magkatabi sa ulan

naaalala... naaalala... naaalala... naaalala...

n.b. remember their myx performance where yael was perspiring and you want so much to wipe it off with your tongue? you want to wring the neck of the girl he sings this song to and you wish it was you =)

superman was afraid of cockroaches

in loving memory of a lost love


superman had high blood pressure. presumably from smoking too much and trying to prove that one can down 18 bottles of beer in one sitting. superman was allergic to chicken and eggs, it made small watery dots appear in the palms of the hand. shrimp and crabs also made superman itchy all over. body parts used to ache a lot: back, head, backside, arms, hands, feet, legs. would often have really bad headaches that prevented me from going to the bathroom to pee ‘coz I had to be there when superman woke up after a brief nap. superman even had a mild stroke some time in 2001 (or was it 2002?) that nobody knew about except me. made superman really weak and talk funny and miss all her exams. I took care of her like a mother would her own child.

superman was very proficient in english. made use of big words like cosmic and sophomoric. wasn’t really crazy about math and hated computing for income tax and succession legitimes. loved to draw, mostly cats (we both loved cats) and a smiling angel atop a cloud. sometimes superman would scribble “I love you Hny!” on her notes.

superman didn’t have much money. she had a trust fund but she couldn’t exactly touch it. other than that, she didn’t exactly have a bank account of her own. had to give superman cab fare after she took me home. when we ate with my friends, she’d offer to pay so my friends wouldn’t know I fed her most of the time. superman had money occasionally and would buy jackets and bags and shoes and watches and tools. guy stuff. anything that was either red or yellow. yellow was superman’s favorite color. she even liked coldplay’s yellow and tried to learn its chords with the new guitar she got. she also got me stuff, lots of it actually (now that I’ve seen my closet, there’s not a blouse, tape, vcd that she didn’t buy or help get), and would call people’s attention to the fact that she bought it for me. but we bought food mostly. there were still some things she could eat that did not have the effect of kryptonite on her.

superman didn’t like her breasts. or her ovaries and had plans of removing them when we had the resources already, after we became lawyers. superman didn’t appear to be a great student but she could argue her cases magnificently. even had me fooled.

superman was very responsible. she’d be there to save the day when everybody needed her. she’d be there for everybody, would have the time and energy to help others out when they needed assistance. she was sweet and sensitive to everybody, she was strong for everybody. everybody but me. I took care of her. it made her feel like a burden to me, that I was spending, that she was always sick but I never said anything. she felt that way because she knew I was right.

superman had planned to build a four-storey house for the both of us. I still have the floor plans with me, safely kept in a rectangular metal box where cookies used to be, along with her letters, cards and baby pictures. back when she was still sweet and nice and loving. back when she loved me.

superman always knew the right things to say. probably from old Audrey Hepburn movies and the classics like Romeo and Juliet, A Love Affair, Heaven Can Wait, etc. she said I was like “fine Scandinavian glass”. she sang to me really old songs that I have never even heard of. she had a really good voice but she preferred to support me instead. I had a tendency of being selfish. she gave me everything then. but superman just had to be stronger, smarter, cuter than everybody. it’s a guy thing. I didn’t realize it till superman had her super teeth fixed to make the devilish grin look even super cuter.

superman taught me that things expire, wither, fade and die. superman taught me that forever had an expiration date. superman taught me how a love could grow, how it could wither, die, fade away. when superman left me, i died. she said my love was kryptonite.

but i loved superman. i love her still. i even told her, "you will always be the man in my life. if we ever live again, in the next life, i'll find you and i'll love you. even if we're both gay men in the next life, i'd still love you and i'll keep on loving you till there aren't any next lives left".

when superman was killed by doomsday, i believe DC Comics still tried to resurrect the comic book superhero but he didn't come back the same man anymore. he was no longer the same "Man of Steel" we knew and loved. when my superman left, all my ideas of love and forever left with her. forever expires. forever does not exist and superman is still just a comic book character.

n.b. a year ago, today, forever expired.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

career opportunity the one that never knocks, career opportunity the one that never knocks, career opportunity the one that never knocks!!!

only in the Philippines does the word, "career" have a meaning other than one's business or profession. if you've been living under a rock, and i pity you because your life is more pathetic than mine, for your sake i will tell you that career not only refers to your business or professional life, it also refers to your love life and sometimes, even your sex life.

i am so exhausted. drained is more apt. one minute, you're at home eating like there's no tomorrow; next minute, you're facing this panel of people who could actually be your students in an English class and their interviewing you. in just a matter of days, i might not just be a bum anymore. i might actually have work. that pays. even if it will kill me or my body in the long run. i feel so bad. i feel so tired. and i've been walking along the ortigas area now, too. if i still can't get it, i might have to take off my clothes, turn them over and wear them again just so i won't get lost.

November 6, Saturday - E's birthday
1. i left a message in the machine, hopefully her paranoid girlfriend won't know it's me and make a big deal out of it.
2. a really cute guy went to the computer shop to ask if we burned CDs and my dad told him that we don't have a CD writer. i felt so bad for the man, he looked like he needed some lovin'. made me wanna butt in and say, "i have a burner. it's in our house. it's in my room. it's near the bed."
3. i texted A an advanced happy birthday (is it advance or with a "d"? i forget) using my new number and i didn't even tell her who i was. i felt like a really bad stalker.

November 7, Sunday - A's birthday
- sent my new number to my crush, the tall thin cute guitar guy with a girlfriend. he acknowledges the message and get this: HE DIDN'T CALL ME "NAY" AND HE SAID THAT HE MISSED ME!!! wait a second, i think my IQ just fell.

November 8, Monday - my first kiss&first boyfriend's birthday 
1. application with first call center company - has nice people. few male employees, but cute ones and finally, an interviewer who has actually read my resume! i hate these silly so-why-did-you-transfer-from-UST-to-UE questions that make you sound like you spent the last ten years in college.

2. met with Karla in starbucks megamall, had my first yosi in a week, we ate and walked

3. application with second call center company - this is where, according to a very reliable source, a former NU107 DJ and a vocalist of a certain rock band are working as English trainers. i passed the initial interview, the one where you talk about yourself for one whole minute and they just pick the people who pass this stage. then they tell the people who didn't make it with the pampalubag-loob, "we'll just call you" when you know for a fact that they never will. maybe after six months. there was this guy i kinda liked. when he said, do you have anymore questions?" i kept on blurting out, "what's your number?" it turns out, the man is gay. no wonder i was attracted to him. hmp. i also passed the second panel interview, where they kept asking me why i want to work in a call center while this other woman was applying in a call center job so she can have enough money to study law. oh yeah, and the guy i liked told me i look like Gina Alajar. oh great, i'm Geoffrey Eigenmann's mom!

4. i saw Drew Fuller on studio23's Charmed reruns. haaay . . .

 photo chris.jpg

November 9, Tuesday
1. second interview with first call center postponed
2. exam and third panel interview with second call center nailed =)
3. met karla again. we roamed around and she was my mall tour guide. she burned a CD of my favorite band for me. THANK YOU!!!
4. bought two interesting books. used my already worn out extension credit card (because i only have less than forty bucks on my own account!)

i obviously did nothing but look for a job and as i have said, i might have one soon. i will finally have a career. i have not worked a single day of my life. well, i almost worked at Jollibee UST Dapitan when i was a freshman but my father didn't let me work. i'm not sure if he was concerned that his only daughter was working in a fastfood chain and it would embarass him or that i could get knocked up and not finish college. but anyway, i'm excited. yes, i am finally joining the work force and yes, i did join the call center bandwagon. i had to start somewhere, i have little to none working experience. this is the perfect transition.

while i'm working on that, i don't have a career. you know, "karir". nothing. nada. zilch. bummer.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

for the love you bring won't mean a thing, unless you sing, sing, sing, sing

i miss singing. in front of a crowd. in the bathroom. anywhere. i used to sing a lot. aside from the fact that i have this terrible cough and cold, i kinda lack the drive to sing. it could be that i'm not inspired because i have no one to sing to or the fact that there aren't too many good songs anyway nowadays to sing to. i also haven't written a good song in ages.

my crush, the tall thin cute guy with dimples, the guitar player, texted me the last week to tell me that he was watching this gig. he told me that he missed playing and that we could really give the guys he was watching a run for their money. i found it sweet that he remembered me. i found it nice that he complemented my singing that he'd actually miss it when he was far away watching someone else.

i'm not exactly amazing, at least, i'd like to think i'm not amazing. i have friends who tell me i sound good without getting paid for saying so. i never really got that much of a boost here at home. they didn't want me to earn a living by singing, not that i would. maybe as a side job, not exactly make a living out of it. my father perpetually mocked the sound of my voice and my mother stood by him just to discourage me from singing. i don't sound that bad, i'm sure. but we had a choir at school, and a band and i joined them every chance i could. besides, God gave me the voice. not the voice, but a voice. some people aren't as fortunate to have that so why should you waste time trying to hide it? you will only develop halitosis and i didn't want that. it felt liberating to sing, to be able to express yourself through music. even if the words aren't exactly your own, when you sing them, you put your heart and soul out there for people to feast on, and the words become your own. besides, when the writers of the really great songs wrote the really great songs, they weren't just thinking about the money they would make. okay, maybe they were. but at the time they were writing these songs, they were feeling. they were human too, just like you and me. they cried, they laughed; they felt pain, anger, joy, all these things. they put it on paper and put a melody so we could sing along to it.

darn, there aren't too many good songs that make you feel that way nowadays. maybe there are, i just haven't heard them yet. i used to have these song books, i'd fill them up with lyrics of songs i had heard over NU and searched for their lyrics over the net ('coz until now i haven't figured out how to use my cd writer) and sing them like hell, even if the people around me couldn't appreciate them. what mattered was that they were written nicely and they had great melodies. that's how i discovered Evanescence, Frou Frou, Dido, and Liz Phair, among others. it made me happy because these were women other than Alanis, Sheryl, the Indigo Girls and Mother Lilith Sarah who came up with lyrics worth singing to.

when M and i were still together we sang a lot. our voices blended perfectly. she'd sing the guy parts, i'd sing the girl parts. it wasn't just melodious, it was romantic. we knew we loved each other very much (except for the part when we didn't) and it just assured the other how so much special she was, how loved she was. now, she's singing to someone else. damnit, i'm at it again! change topic, quick!

my dad won't allow me to sing in bars (as much as i hate the whole Paolo Santos and company acoustic era, you have to admit, it's become a lucrative business, to the detriment of the Filipino Indie Rock Scene) while i still don't have work. my bandmates and i had this planned out that we'd have day jobs and just play for the extra income at night. oh yeah, we agreed to swallow our prides too. we still respect the term, "original", you know and we'd hate to be the ones helping the Ninas and the Jimmys kill the rock scene by joining the bandwagon. it was meant to warm us up; you know, if you keep singing the same old fucking covers something original just might come out. somehow, that plan never left the drawing board.

i want to sing. i want to write a song that people could relate to. i want that song to be covered and murdered over and over again long after i'm six feet under the ground. i want my voice to be heard. i want to sing and pour my heart and soul out there so people can feast on them. i want to sing.

sing it please, please, please
come on and sing to me, to me, to me
come on and sing it out, loud, now
come on and sing it out to me, to me
come back and sing
in my place, in my place
were lines that i couldn't change
i was lost, oh yeah
oh yeah

Friday, November 05, 2004

Lord, give me a lover!

this is a line from a tagalog movie with the same title. it stars eddie garcia and perla bautista as an insane couple who fall in love in the loony bin, got married when they got out and subsequently bore a child played by daria ramirez. i never really got to see the film, i read this off jessica zafra's column. the parents apparently embarass daria whenever a suitor of hers comes to the house by wearing batman and robin costumes. one night she comes home while it's raining and there's a commotion going on. she actually thought their house was getting burned down. it turns out, the people are watching her parents dance the el bimbo. she gets mad at everyone who poked fun at her parents, about man's cruelty to his fellow human and then she blurts out the makabagbag-damdaming line, "Lord, give me a lover!

i need one right now. really. boy, girl. i don't care. i just feel the need to be really loved and appreciated right now.

"i've been watching the world pass by all around me.
i've been letting the days go by 'til you found me.
baby, what can i do?
i've been out searching for you
i've got a feeling all i need is a love that's true"

it's not just because i can feel the cool breeze of christmas and i'm desperate. besides, it's only my second year without a jowa and i'm not looking for someone just for display to my relatives during the holidays. there are just days when i feel envious of my friends, the ones who are actually happy, that they've finally settled down. sometimes waiting for that 20-word magic line to pop up can be so tiring. i'm not getting any younger. while i'm not exactly looking for husband-material, i am in dire need of good sperm soldiers while i still have some good eggs. not that i have bad ones already. i just need to feel special. i also need to get pregnant. soon!

okay, enough of the pregnancy part. i just want someone who'll be able to live with me and my neurotic behaviour. someone who's also tall, thin, cute and funny, dimples are optional; i need someone who can tame me, i mean, save me from myself sometimes. someone who wouldn't mind listening to me because as chris pointed out in one of his previous blogs (look it up in either may or june 2004), i could be be really self-absorbed. someone to have intellectual intercourse with, as well as sexual. i want someone who can stand up to my father because there are just days when i can't. i start to feel low every time i see a movie or hear a song and know that i have no one to share the moment with or no one to think about at the time. hell, no one's even thinking about me.

no, i don't have any male best friend who made a pact with me that we'll get married by the time we're 30 and we're both still single. even if i do have that kind of a best friend, he probably found a girl who looks like Cameron Diaz a week before i turn 30.

no, i don't have anyone waiting on me; someone i keep on ignoring but is secretly in love with me, ala-Some Kind Of Wonderful. i don't have that. i'm the one who's always secretly in love with someone, the one who's always taken for granted and ignored.

no, i don't want to lower my standards. i'm already accused of flirting with someone i don't even like, why should i aggravate that by associating myself with lower life forms? i'm nice, i'm cute, i'm smart, i could be really sexy if i want to (for violent reactions, get this: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!), and i do take care of people really well so why shouldn't i be given the same amount of care? what's wrong with taking care of a woman? - coffee shop guy, otherwise known as Brad Pitt.

i deserve to be desired. wooed. i deserve sweet nothings and cuddling after sex. i deserve long romantic sensible talks, the kind Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy share in the two movies they did together that i didn't get to watch. i deserve a door and a breath being held for me. being able to sweep somebody off their feet and being swept myself. i deserve to have someone to sing for me and to sing to. i deserve to love and be loved. we all do.

"there's a somebody i'm longing to see
i hope that s/he turns out to be
someone to watch over me"

everybody, say it with me: Lord, give me a lover!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

after all these years, i finally got to meet joe black

it has become very evident that i don't get to go out of the house. pretty soon this blog will be filled with blabs about old movies i've seen on cable.

this morning i got to watch Meet Joe Black over Star Movies. i finally know what the fuss was all about. aside from the fact that it stars Brad Pitt, of course. it was shown when i was 15, i think (i'm not really sure, i'm not that old), and almost everybody in my class got to watch it except me. it was also shown the same time an ape movie entitled "Mighty Joe Young" was shown. i'm not sure a lot of people went to see that. the movie is a remake of the 1934 movie Death Takes A Holiday.

William Parrish (Anthony Hopkins) is dying days before his 65th birthday but he gets an extension by becoming Death's (Brad Pitt) guide here on earth. Death falls in love with Bill's daughter Susan (Claire Forlani) and even gets laid in the process. Susan thinks Death is the same guy she got great chemistry with in the coffee shop, but it turns out Death just needed a body and the cute guy from the coffee shop only resurfaces a few minutes before the movie ends. hence the line, "I feel like I'm making love with someone making love for the first time". it makes me think about the expression, "kiss of death". so if Susan makes love with Death, how come we still see her in the movie afterwards? isn't she supposed to be dead then?

I think it's both funny and touching, the way Bill tries to fix everything before he passes away. he tries to show his other daughter Allison (Marcia Gay Harden) that he loves her just as much as he loves Susan. i can relate to Allison's character because although i don't exactly have siblings, i always have to prove myself to my father. i don't exactly yearn that much for approval, i just don't want to lose my inheritance. my inheritance is always in danger of being taken away from me because for some weird reason i can't do anything good enough for my dad. it's also sad because i keep wishing that my relationship with my father could be like that of Susan and Bill's. i also found it funny that Drew (Jake Weber), Susan's boyfriend and Bill's vice-chairman in the company, in his eagerness to close a deal with a man Bill doesn't want to do business with, thinks that Joe is calling the shots. add to the fact that Bill's comment to Quince (played by Jeffrey Tambor, the guy who looks like Dr. Phil) that any merger would be up to Joe. it was hilarious. Bill is thinking about his time left here on earth, Drew is thinking of pulling the rug from under Bill's feet, Quince just likes little girls but it never crossed anybody's head that Joe might be Bill's young lover. i mean, this guy comes out of nowhere and suddenly the Chairman of the Board doesn't want to hold meetings without him. i'm sorry, i'm spending way too much time in front of the couch.

the movie ends with Susan reuniting with the coffee shop guy. we just assume that after the party's over, people will discover Bill's dead body and how he really died. he was last seen with Joe, the IRS agent, and no, that's not his real name. and then the coffee shop guy's little sister Honey will be so shocked to find out that her brother is actually still alive, just pretending to be an IRS agent.

seriously now, i loved the following lines and how they were used in the movie:

1) "Multiply that by infinity, take it to the depths of forever and you will still have no idea what I'm talking about." - Death to Bill about his job as the angel of death, Bill to Death about love

2) "Easy Bill, you'll give yourself a heart attack and ruin my vacation" - after the board meeting where Bill wouldn't tell the Board who Joe is

3) "Lightning could strike" - res ipsa loquitur

4) "Sing with rapture, dance like a dervish. Be deliriously happy"

5) Joe's line to Drew which i couldn't follow anymore, the part where he says that if Drew tries to test Joe on tbhe matter, Drew will have a finality which is dark and has no doors. i was too busy looking at Brad.

what's a dervish?

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

wish i had a cat

toto II died last saturday. he was my friend beth's cat. he's the second because when the first toto (a.k.a. fluffy, or at least, that's how patrick likes to call him) died, her parents tried to cheer her up by giving her another cat and she called him toto, again. toto II died of a kidney failure. which reminds me, i need to take care of my own kidneys. i don't want my stones growing again. it hurt the last time they took a stone out of my kidney.

anyway, i wish i had a cat. i like cats not just because according to one short story in Tibok, The Heartbeat of the Filipino Lesbian, cats are the universal pets of lesbians and it's not just because Jessica Zafra likes cats that i like cats. i just do. i have nothing against dogs. dogs are cute, although some of them smell bad (no offense to all dog lovers who keep their pets smelling good), dogs are a man's best friend. i just don't like them as much as i like cats. and the fact that when i was younger i had this playmate who was also our landlady's granddaughter. she was very bossy; she always had to be the star of all our role-playing games (she also taught me how to, uh, "play on my own", if you get my drift) and when she didn't get her way, she'd tell me that she'd let their dog, Jabar, eat me. Jabar was a very big dog. Jabar was bigger than most seven-year olds. hence, i love cats.

i can't keep a cat in the house. i almost did, i fed a whole cat family during the great storms of the early 2000s. my dad sent them away, he won't let them in the house even if i told him they annihilated the rodents. he said they would ruin his hair-growing plants. hmp. i couldn't keep one in the dorm during my six-month stay there either. my roommate had asthma. everytime A slept over and i was so close to taking a kitty home, she'd shoo it away. A had asthma too. and she liked dogs better.

M and I used to have a cat. well, she kept it because i couldn't take it home. it was a little orange kitten. or was it gray? i can't remember anymore. we called it G, because G was the last person we saw before picking up the kitten and putting it on National Bookstore plastic and taking the first cab we saw. it looked like it was cold after the rain, it was shivering and we just couldn't leave it for dead. Osama the cat, not the terrorist, resented G at first. Osama was M's cat at home. then they started playing together which pissed the hell out of M's brother.

we cried the day M's brother put G in a small plastic bag to lose him.

M and I broke up. her family moved to the province. she asked A to move in with her. now you know how awkward it is when two of your exs live together. i feel awkward just writing about it. then she got a dog from Ain's friend Sharmila. Osama still lives with them.

i need a cat. a cat would be a nice alternative to say, a boyfriend or a girlfriend. taking care of a cat or any pet for that matter would be like preparing for motherhood. it doesn't need to be of a good breed, i'd rather adopt a stray cat. i've been wanting to adopt Ain's cats for a long time now so they wouldn't have to be put to sleep but my dad won't allow me to. bummer.

i need a cat. a real one. i can't stare at the kitty figurine that M gave me. i just might destroy it.

it's EVANESCENCE, NOT eva's essence!!!

i've been listening to evanescence since early last year, even before Daredevil was shown here in the R.P. courtesy of NU107. i should know because my law school bandmates, the Lex Palooza, gave me weird looks the first time i sang Bring Me to Life in one of our jamming sessions. i sang it alone, complete with the "wake me up!" and i remember feeling like a total idiot at the time because they had no idea what i was singing. when the movie was finally shown, i got all these text messages saying, "nay, we heard the song na, it's great. kuhang-kuha mo." i even fought over the phone with M, 'coz we were still together at the time, to include it in the repertoire because we were supposed to sing for the school. she came up with all sorts of excuses not to put it in the damn list but i talked it over with the tall, thin, cute guy with dimples, the guitar player, he didn't have a problem with it. in fact, he liked it so much he studied it. i won.

when we went to the cemetery i thought i was gonna be sick of evanescence. almost everybody had a guitar, almost everybody was singing an evanescence song. okay. everybody including the really dirty people that chris and beth try to avoid whenever i ask them to tag along in a gig (now, it's sinking in that i really miss them and that i really need to get out of this frigging house!) are singing evanescence, never mind if they get the lyrics wrong. when i heard and saw these people i remembered the Aegis band visiting our school (who the hell invited them anyway?!) and they performed 3 songs. they're actually good, don't get me wrong. they're just not for me.

i remember chris wrote once that almost everybody is singing This Love by Maroon 5, like they're actually cool. even the jologs are singing it. i've been listening to the band just about the same time i was listening to evanescence, i just don't remember what band went out first. but i really liked Harder to Breathe na, even before the Kelly Preston video of She Will be Loved came out. just like i loved The Reason by Hoobastank even before 90.7 FM Love Radio played it.

i really like it that the bands i like are getting the attention they deserve. after all, that's why they make music: to reach out to people. hearing This Love in the FX is better than hearing ang kili-kili ang sangsang; seeing Heart Evangelista or Karylle murder Bring Me to Life is better than seeing Willie Revillame or April Boy Regino's face on TV, although you wish you don't have to bear witness to the murdering part.

Monday, November 01, 2004

which does hurt more?

i received an email from my lesbian friend who also took the bar this year. she was really nice and we get forwarded messages from her every now and then. the email had this to ask: WHICH HURTS MORE?


or this:

gay men are prohibited from answering :)

i remember when i hurt M by having another girl and another guy, that hurt. i'm bad.

i remember when i hurt A by having M.

but i don't remember doing this. ever. not yet anyway.

yes, hello, we're back and we're taking calls. now what was the question?
-Breathe in, Frou Frou

happy halloween?

i got to visit my mom's grave today with my dad. before i used to approach going to the cemetery the same way i'd approach mass: i check out people, cute people.

later on i realized that i was being a hypocrite too. i hate people who go to mass just because they feel obliged to go every Sunday. i hate people who visit their dead loved ones because they feel they need to go, after all, it's only once a year that you get to visit the dead people in your life. so i use a different approach. never mind if i am bored just listening to my dad's stories. i still check out people, the ones i can see anyway. i mean, why would you want to pick up anyone from the cemetery? i don't go to mass anymore, but when i do, i make sure that i'm 100% in it for the wonders it could do to my soul and not for any other part of my being. i go to the cemetery because looking at my mother's grave makes me feel close to her, it's creepy, i know. i still think about my mom even though i don't get to visit her. i pray about her and hope she watches over me and is proud of me when i do something nice for the community or for me.

i really need to smoke. or shout. or sing. a lot of people are probably out having fun right now. there are no good movies to watch on cable and i don't want to not be scared by shows on the local channels. anyway, while some people might be out having fun, i'm at home typing this. go figure. happy halloween!