Saturday, October 30, 2004

john's out! (and things i'd rather be doing on a friday night)



i've always been a big fan of survivor. you have to give props to the pioneer of all reality shows, don't you? it has given so many playboy careers, movie careers, tv careers, etc. to its alumni. never have i seen so many people lie, backstab, starve, lose weight, lose clothes, lose friends in just one season. there are so many hot chicks and pretty boys on survivor, enough to fill one sports illustrated issue.

i wasn't at home when survivor vanuatu first aired. i think i was still at the tail-end of my review. i didn't get to check who to root for although i have this humongous crush on john k. the man is strong and fast and cute and they voted him out yesterday! those untrustworthy people! tsk. tsk. tsk. i like ami, too. i heard she's a lesbian. and in yesterday's episode, i found out that the female chief, scout, has a partner too. well, will you look at that? lesbiana si lola! wouldn't it be great if a lesbian won this time? wouldn't it be cool if i was the lesbian who won the million dollars? :) that'll be the day.

***
i was staying in my dad's shop last night. i couldn't blog, i couldn't even so much as play solitaire. i wanted to be in the oktoberfest. i wanted to be at home. i missed another episode fo the Gweilo's Hour again. i wanted to be anywhere except the boring computer shop where i can't be me.

***

i got a text message from beth saying that her boyfriend left her in the middle of quezon city last night. i couldn't text back, i did't have load! poor beth. she's been complaining about him for ages now and she'll be celebrating her birthday in a couple of days. i miss chris. i miss beth. i miss going out. i miss drinking. singing.

***

i wish i could find work already! anything! i need money, i am so financially unbeautiful. if i was working at the call center, i'd be out of the house last night and sleeping myself silly right now. i'd be talking on the phone amusing some foreign guy who can't get his cable tv or deodorant or VCR to run. anything to keep me from being idle and making my ass fatter than it already is.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

another brick in the wall of unemployment

i've been trying to look for work ever since the bar exams ended. i obviously haven't found one. i don't exactly have work experience, having gone to law school straight out of college. despite the number of qualifications for a number of jobs, i haven't been accepted anywhere. aaarrrgh!!!

my friend rose has been helping me look for a job in the makati area since i'm such a geographical idiot and being that i'm only familiar with the "poor side" of makati and a few bars. i even went on a walking spree last friday just to look for a particular street. i kept on asking security guards for directions and they kept on telling me that the place i was looking for was actually near. yeah, right. i probably lost 10 pounds just by walking around the makati area. when i finally got there, the place was packed with people who want to earn the title,"CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE".

it's hard to look for a good job with good pay. you either get a lousy job with high pay; a good job with lousy pay or a lousy job with lousy pay which kinda tells you not to work at all.

***

interviewer: are you nervous?
bels: yes, i'm kinda nervous.
interviewer: okay, just relax. BREED IN, BREED OUT. relax, okay?
bels: uh, okay.

***

karla's also been trying to find a job. we text each other every so often to talk about our job hunting adventures. she even emails me for jobs i might be interested in. it's really nice to have someone share their experiences of job hunting with you. at least you don't alone or helpless. or stupid.

***

interviewer: how do you see yourself five years from now?
bels (to self): well, i see myself running my own law firm, with my own bar and restaurant right on top or adjacent to it. there ends my ally mcbeal reference. the bar will be a haven for most pinoy indie bands as well as a great meeting place for gays and lesbians. i'd also like to start an organization that helps single mothers, unwed teenagers and cancer patients (to interviewer) well, i'd like to continue to go to work, should i be employed and work my way up, just in case i pass the bar exams.

***

my friends are wondering why i'm not applying in any of the law firms. why am i applying nowhere near anything related to law? it's simple: i may or may not pass the bar exams. either way, i'll be fed up with law terms again. while i'm waiting for results, i need something to do. i want something that's a no-brainer because if i don't pass, i'll have to review so i can take the exams again. if i do pass, i'll need to review just the same. i just want to have fun and keep myself preoccupied while waiting for the damn results. if you work in a law firm, people will bug you about it.

***

not everyone is lucky to be in a job they truly like and get paid doing it. i've always thought of myself that way. i don't want to have to work and if i do work, i'd want to do something really fun and worthwhile so it wouldn't feel like work. and i hope to get paid for it. unfortunately, i'm not so lucky. i'll try to be. til then, i'm just another brick in the wall of unemployment.

Monday, October 25, 2004

choose: a pat in the back or a whack in the head?

i should be given a medal or something. with emphasis on the "or something".

i had all the opportunity in the world to do so, but i didn't. and to think my "carpe diem" sensibilities never taught me to back out on anything, even if it meant i'd pay dearly for the consequences in the long run. but i didn't even try.

not that i'm sorry i didn't. i'm actually proud of myself, when you think about it. there i was, i was so close to him. NOTHING.

this was a guy who spent more time in my house than my real boyfriend at the time, like there was supposed to be an "us", but there wasn't. we were like "us" but not really. i even got to his, uh, "member", before his seven-year girlfriend ever could. he didn't even touch her. the thing was, given the right aggressive woman, he would give in to his sexual urges. i could do that for him; in fact, i think i even devirginized him (i think). his two-year live-in girlfriend could do that for him. but i didn't. i'm so sick and tired of making the first move all the time. even if i'm in the mood.

for a while it felt like he wanted to go somewhere else other than watch the movie. he kept asking me if i was bored or if i wanted to "demonize" him. it felt like he wanted to cuddle while watching but it never really got any farther than that. we ate, food, after watching the movie. we bought stuff. we rode the MRT. we rode an fx to novalovakia. we talk about it. we talk about seeing each other after two years when he comes back from saudi arabia. we just talked! TALKED!

what is wrong with me? i liked this guy! i knew he wouldn't really do anything unless i would. i waited for this guy, i liked him sooo much. our relationship is more like what i have with link, only we call each other "partners-in-crime". why wasn't i doing anything?! maybe i've grown. maybe i just don't dig him the way i used to. although i did feel something there. an erection, perhaps?

besides, who would ever get bored watching JUDE LAW?

finally got to watch a movie!

i finally got to watch a movie. i couldn't resist watching a jude law movie, jude being the former father of my future children. i watched Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow with an old friend even if it meant an hour or more of eyesore (the things you could do with blue film and a blue screen. they could hurt your eyes). got a kick out of seeing anjelina jolie with an eye patch and gwyneth as a damsel in distress (i wonder if that's the tactic she used to snag chris martin of coldplay).



i want jude to be my saviour from peril :)

Saturday, October 23, 2004

recommended for your listening pleasure (a.k.a. albums i'd buy once i have the money)

one of the not so good things about not having work, aside from sitting at home watching tv and making your ass fat all day is the lack of financial capacity. i do not have money!!! being a student meant having a regular allowance. being a bum means not being able to go out to watch a movie or a gig when you want to, not to buy a book you'd really like to read and not being able to buy the albums you really like, such as the following albums:


SPONGE COLA'S PALABAS - you like it not only because yael, the vocalist, is cute but because the songs are really good.


SESSION ROAD - of course, you've heard the very catchy "suntok sa buwan" and have fallen in love with the song, if you're not yet in love with hannah


KITCHIE NADAL - we loved her during her mojofly days and now we love her even more now that she has her own band. her bassist is cute; beth and chris and i have seen for ourselves. two of the songs in the album were written by yvonne, my good friend erwin romulo's wife :)
minus the video with onemig bondoc, the album is awesome!


SUGAR FREE'S DRAMACHINE - ebe is more cheerful now. of course. according to an interview with erwin, he said that one cannot write depressing songs all the time. he's right.


IS THAT CIUDAD? YES, SON, IT'S ME by CIUDAD - it's like bubblegum, you like it, you can't get enough of it. the songs the herb, monica and the very quaint(i can't think of a word to describe it right now. am in a hurry, but i get disturbed to the point of tears whenever i hear it.)dancing lessons. you have to fall in love with those kid-like vocals of mikey amistoso


SO-CALLED CHAOS BY ALANIS - why not?


AFTERGLOW BY SARAH MCLACHLAN - same as above, why the hell not?

Thursday, October 21, 2004

crazy about chad



i am just sooo into this guy right now!!!

a guy who refuses to be called lexus

when i was in first year college, i met this guy who was studying to become an engineer from lyceum. he was tall and thin and he is relatively attractive. i had a humongous crush on him (but then, i have a humongous crush on everybody) and we became friends, good friends. friends in the tradition of link, i might add.

he recently gave me a call. he wanted to see me before he left for abroad again. i hate it when that happens. he has a penchant for being stupid (translation: i'm right in front of him but he doesn't really see the possibility of how good it would be if there was an "us" even if it hit him in the head.) and while i don't really want to end up with him, i do want to see him happy. i don't want him to be in the arms of someone who will only use him for his money (the story of some gay people i know) or the fact that he's very kind.

i was sooo into this guy i wrote a really cheesy poem about him then. you have to forgive me, i was just a kid then.

in your arms

in your arms, i forget who i am
i feel as though i was special
for you shower me with respect and care

in your arms, i could feel your heart beat next to mine
like i belonged there
like nothing really mattered except the two of us together

in your arms, i drowned
never really knowing it wasn't me you thought of and loved that moment
that moment i wished i could be there always

but now i must wake up to reality
the harsh truth that it was all just a game
that i could never be more than what i am to you
that you loving me was only a dream i made up in my mind

and now i go back to what is left of me, my life, my heart
still clinging desperately to the hope
you'll realize it's me you love
that someday, things will get better
fate will be kinder
that one day i will again be
where i've always wanted to be

in your arms

for M

when i first heard this song, it reminded me of my ex, M. the lyrics took the words right out of my mouth. i remember asking her if she was in love with her dentist and if she wanted me out of the way and she lied to my face. she said she didn't know. the words, "I DON'T KNOW" are one of the most comfortable sentences ever invented in the English language, along with "maybe", "I think so", and "I'm not really sure" and is in the level of "it's not you, it's me" and "I think we're better off as friends". "i don't know" is a safe answer. it saves the person saying it any guilt and gives the person hearing it a glimmer of hope.

i've said this before, i'll say it again: wag na wag mong sasabihin is No Doubt's Don't Speak in tagalog.

wag na wag mong sasabihin by kitchie nadal

may gusto ka bang sabihin
ba't di mapakali, ni hindi makatingin
sana'y wag mo na 'tong palipasin
at subukang lutasin sa mga sinabi mo

na iba'ng nararapat sa akin
at tunay kong mamahalin

oh, wag na wag mong sasabihin
na hindi mo nadama ito
pag-ibig kong handang
ibigay kahit pang kalayaan mo

anuman ang naakala
na ako'y isang bituin na walang sasambahin
di ko man ipakita
abot langit ang daing sa mga sinabi mo

na iba'ng nararapat sa akin
na tunay kong mamahalin

oh, wag na wag mong sasabihin
na hindi mo nadama ito
pag-ibig kong handang
ibigay kahit pang kalayaan mo

at sa gabi, sino'ng duduyan sa'yo
at sa umaga, ang hangin ang hahaplos sa'yo

oh, wag na wag mong sasabihin
na hindi mo nadama ito
pag-ibig kong handang
ibigay kahit pang kalayaan mo

oh, wag na wag mong sasabihin
na hindi mo nadama ito
pag-ibig kong handang
ibigay kahit pang kalayaan mo

oh, wag na wag mong sasabihin
na hindi mo nadama ito
pag-ibig kong handang
ibigay kahit pang kalayaan mo

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

a lesbian ode

n.b. i first wrote this poem in 1995, august 5, 21 and 27 of that year. while i did know that at the time i already had tendencies, i didn't have any emotional involvement with any lesbian as i have in the last four years. when i found this poem again, it spoke to me in a weird way. i didn't know that i could write about then what i'm feeling right now. makes sense?

when i think of all the times we've been together
when i loved you and you loved me
it all the more makes me wither
that a love so strong was never meant to be

a wise man said, "you cannot rush fate
reality bites, its sting can be deadly"
my only crime is loving you and i have paid the price having done so

loving you has bound me in chains,
the more i love, the more i pain
if only i could change my world just to be with you
but now my love has grown in vain

must i now cease to dream
much more must i now cease to exist
life has lost its meaning
your heart can never be mine
it belongs to someone else
a pair we can never be
for true lovers of the norms cannot be together
how much more we?

when i think of all the times we spent together
when i loved you and you loved me
it all the more makes me wither
that a love that seemed to be so strong
was never ever meant to be

Thursday, October 14, 2004

guess the title of this song

i'm currently in love with the following songs:

1) taning by imago
2) huwag na huwag mong sasabihin by kitchie nadal
3) lunes by sponge cola
4) tulad ng dati by the dawn
5) suntok sa buwan by session road

when i first heard these songs i wanted to cry. they remind me of people who are special to me. right now i especially love kitchie's song. its opening rifts remind me of this other song, by Ash, from their 1977 album. it talks about how one feels when you really want to talk to somebody and tell them how you feel only you don't know how to. i don't think the title ever mentioned in the song.

you get that in poems. poems are cool that way because they begin and end sometimes without ever mentioning the title. but not in songs. you hear the title of the song in its chorus over and over again. but not in this song. no, it's not, "you are always on my mind". it's not "dying to get through" either.


Lying wide awake under strange skies
Wanting to call you but it is late at night
And you're far away
But you are always on my mind

I feel like I'm on fire, nothing I can do
I'm troubled with doubt
Though I know it is not true
And it's times like these
When I am dying to speak to you
I'm dying to get through
I'm dying to speak to you
Dying to get through
I'm dying to speak to you

Staring at the wall I sink inside
I think about it all
I get caught up in my life
I can't think straight
Because it's tearing up my mind
I feel like I'm on fire, nothing I can do
I'm troubled with doubt
Though I know it is not true
And it's times like these
When I'm dying to speak to you
Dying to get through
Dying to get through

The more that I think, how I need you
The more that I think, the more it seems true
And now it means more
Than I ever meant it to
Ever meant it to

Lying wide awake under strange skies
Wanting to call you but it is late at night
And you're far away
But you are always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind

so, can you guess? :)


Wednesday, October 13, 2004

sponge me all you want



i have been hearing Sponge Cola's Lunes for the longest time. i was very fond of the vocalist's voice. it was so lalakeng-lalake; it had presence and depth. imagine that voice telling you, "honey, come to bed na", or, "honey, let me give you a massage." it was only during their appearance at MTV Lokal that i realized how good they really were. of course, i'm not saying they're great on the basis of one or two songs or the fact that their vocalist is cute. you have to give the band some credit. there are a lot of bands out there with cute vocalists that are really good. like sandwich, kjwan (i know, the first two bands have the same vocalist, but marc abaya really is hot, you have to give me that), blue jean junkies (nino mendoza is cute in a stoned kind of way, i know), incubus, filter, to name a few. they have cute vocalists, and in the end, it's not the vocalist's cuteness that makes them good but the music itself.



so if you'll excuse me, i'll get back to my fantasizing . . . what's that, honey? you want to rub my back?

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

the stalker in lawyer's clothing

WARNING: THE MORE NORMAL-LOOKING THEY ARE, CHANCES ARE, THEY'RE WEIRDER. JUST WHEN YOU THINK THEY'RE NORMAL, THEY'RE NOT.

last year, i was in charge of assigning barrister buddies for all the barristers and for disseminating information on special lectures, available notes. around this time, M and I were already quarrelling because by then she was already falling in love with her dentist. i assigned buddies for the lawyer without balls and his equally fat girlfriend. and while the girlfriend's buddy was ok because she was my sis, my kid in the band, my friend; the lawyer without balls' buddy wasn't. so i was forced to do all the errands for him because for a big guy who's taking the bar exams, he never ran out of things for me to do for him. he got my number and wanted to be friends.

he wanted to be friends. okay.

then he starts texting me morning, noon and night and asks me if i've arrived home already. when he thanks me for the errands, he says, "I love you, May Annabel, Thank you! you're an angel!", which was okay for the first few times except it's not normal. i mean, i'd say that to someone to close to me and expect someone close to me to say that but at the time, i just met him. we were classmates in some subjects but we're not close. i asked him if his girlfriend was okay with the idea of him texting me things like that and he said i was being malicious. so i didn't assume anymore even if his text messages and his being over-friendly and generous with gifts could cause suspicion to anybody.

he sends me load and asks me all the time if i've gone home, if i'm asleep already, if i've eaten, etc. i offer to pay the load and he insists i don't. i asked him if there was a way we could be friends without me having to report to him all the time about my whereabouts. he always texts me that he's said 10 or more rosaries for me so that i'd pass which is like shoving it in my face that, "hey, i'm praying for you!". frankly, i couldn't less. i had and still have my own relationship with my Creator. i talk to Him on my way, my own time. and i don't really tell people about it.

he leaves things in my locker, gifts and reviewers. he left a toy in my locker. he even offered to pay for my contact lenses. why? i can afford to get my own, thank you. once i told him to just leave the copy of an important document there because i had other things to do, but he followed me instead. i always have to be accomodating to him when he's around because he's nice to me. not really because i want him around. sometimes he could be a pain. especially when i want to talk to my crush or to A rather than to talk to him.

he almost made my helping A in this year's election a big issue, that i was supposed to be studying and not sent on errands. while i appreciate his concern, i really wanted to help A. i enjoyed doing those things for A. he's just saying that so that i could have more time for him when he visits. he just has to be everywhere, do everything because he said i was the barrister now and it's his turn to take care of me. okay.

the weird text messages are the ones where he asks me if i sometimes wonder what could have been. about what? about my life, yes. it's not my problem he can't talk back to his girlfriend. about his life, i don't really care. how was i to know he had these fantasies about his life and who he wished he was with? he sends me these long long poems through text that i told him to just blog about it. i couldn't understand half of the shit anyway. he always tells me that i'm sexy, beautiful and kind. he sends me messages that he'll be the first in line if ever i let anyone in my room and other disgusting things. he wanted to look at what my body looked like in a bathing suit, he said i owed him that much. WHAT?!

he's really nice. so nice i want to puke right now.

i want to be grateful for all that he's done for me. but now that i think about it, why should i? i didn't want to make friends with him in the first place. he was the one who wanted to make friends with me. i didn't obligate myself to do stuff for him because i liked him, i did those things because it was my job as BarOps Secretary and because i am basically a nice person. if people who are now lawyers want to give back the favor, it's fine; i thank them but i don't ask for their help in general. i can get by on my own, thank you. i didn't ask for money, i didn't ask for load, i didn't ask for blouses from baguio (one of which, the violet one, i do like because Crush said i looked hot in it), i didn't ask for brownies every saturday before the bar exam, i didn't ask for him to take me home (ohmiGod! he knows where i live!), i didn't ask for him to get me my documents and everything else he gave me, i didn't ask for his friendship. he shoved it in my face, for crying out loud!

and now, his girlfriend is tormenting me. and what does he do? he wants me to apologize to her! because she thinks I'm flirting with him? you've got to be kidding. that fat ugly wuss.

he's nice, he's smart, he's a lawyer. who would've thought he could bring so much chaos in my life right now? who would've thought? he looked normal to me.


Monday, October 11, 2004

today's a new day

i applied for a call center job. i need a job. i need the money. besides, i think a guy from my past, a tall thin cute guy from san beda college probably works there. he was giving me the eye, i was giving him the eye. i could tell he was looking at me and was trying to figure out where he knew me from. it's just too bad i was too shy (shy daw o!) to walk up to him and ask him. he also has the same name as my crush.

my crush from unit 503 from the manly mansion is in my friendster account now. YES!!! he's sooo cute and sooo nice. CAREER!!!!

i got to talk to karla over the phone and i found out that my crush, ria from paramita is a friend of hers. WOW!!!

i also applied for a management trainee job at jollibee ue recto, where all my cute crushes work. come to think of it, what is it about me and jollibee guys?

things are coming up great. things will be better. no matter what people say about me, i will rule.

the lawyer who couldn't defend me

i don't know where to start. i feel so betrayed.

i was really happy last saturday. my crush texted me. then i get this really bad phone call from my friend (at least, that's what i thought he was), who turned out to be his girlfriend using his phone. she was accusing me of flirting with her boyfriend and that she hoped that i was happy because i was the reason for their breakup.

i didn't even want to be his friend. i was helping everybody for the bar, no one in particular. but he kept on texting me, giving me stuff that i didn't even ask for. the lawyer-girlfriend just kept on yakking and yakking and she didn't even bother to hear my side, that it was her boyfriend that kept on calling/texting/visiting me and giving me stuff i didn't even want. well, except maybe the violet blouse he got me from baguio, because my crush said i looked hot in it. he kept on sending me load. he kept on saying that i didn't have to pay him the money he gave me that i didn't even ask for. he kept on saying i didn't have to text him back but everytime he texts and i don't reply, he sends me load that i didn't ask for. he brings me brownies which he obliged himself to give me every saturday night before the bar exam.

i don't even like this guy. he's nice but HE'S NOT MY TYPE. and for his girlfriend to accuse me and yell at me like that when she doesn't even feed me. what's really infuriating is the fact that this guy is sooo under his girlfriend that he wants me to apologize to her. HELLO?!

the girl keeps on calling me and texting me and calling me a slut and she tells me that i won't pass the bar. I WON'T PASS THE BAR BECAUSE I'M STUPID, I WON'T PASS THE BAR BECAUSE MY ANSWERS WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH, NOT BECAUSE I AM GUILTY OF FLIRTING WITH A GUY THAT DOESN'T HAVE ANY BALLS.

i am basically a sweet person. okay, i flirt too. but i only flirt with people i like. i will not admit to flirting with a guy i don't even like. before, when E's girlfriend kept on calling me and yelling at me over the phone, E defended me because her girlfriend was out of line. this lawyer and his girlfriend, they're involving me in a quarrel that i don't even care about. it's not my problem that the guy can't defend himself, it's not my problem if the girl is so mean that the guy is sick and tired of her. why should i have to suffer because they can't fix their own shit?

Saturday, October 09, 2004

goodbye locker 102

M and i used to have our own locker. when our stuff got too many, she had hers, and i had mine. this afternoon, i got all the stuff out. i got the last set of flowers she gave to me before she broke up with me. i got the last gift she gave me. i got all our photo albums out. the photo albums made the stuff heavy. i didn't try to look at them 'coz i could hear Kitchie Nadal's Huwag na Huwag Mong Sasabihin playing in the LSG office as i was taking them out. i wasn't able to get them when i got my stuff from the good ol' manly mansion last Monday because my dad would see them and find out about my three-year 35-day long secret.

it was good, bad, ugly while it lasted.

the locker was also my link to my tall thin cute intelligent guitar playing crush. we shared the locker. i'd leave him notes there, he'd leave me notes there. it was like our conjugal property, even if we weren't married. it made me feel close to him. it made me feel happy. it made me hope that one day, he'd give me flowers.

i'm going to start a new life now. without M, without A, without E, without them. whether that new life will bring somebody new or the guy i shared the locker with the last six months, i don't really know. but i look forward to it.

haaay!!!! ang cute talaga!

i was going up the UE staircase and was texting karla on my way there. as i was passing by the chapel a group of guys said "hi" to me.

Denver (crush's classmate): hi mommy! (beso-beso) musta ka?
Bels: eto, okay lang
Denver: ayun si (crush) . . . (is it that obvious i like him? am i that transparent?)
tall thin cute intelligent great guitar playing guy with a girlfriend a.k.a. Crush: hi nay! san ka?
Bels: kunin ko mga gamit ko sa locker, para naman mapakinabangan mo
Crush: ay, andun pa yung book mo sa LTD, kukunin mo na ba?
Bels: hindi muna, yung mga ibang gamit lang. basta gagamitin mo pa, lagay mo lang dun. san kayo punta?
Crush: la na kaming klase eh, uwi na. sige nay, ingat nay!
Bels: sige, good luck sa exam niyo ha?

haaay!!!

fate has a way of playing with you. here was his classmate, Denver, who is sooo cute and nice-smelling and tall and thin (i heard he's also a good basketball player) and he always seems to notice me when i'm around. he makes me beso too. and then, there's the tall thin cute and intelligent guy who plays great guitar. he's cute (dimples pa lang panalo na!!!) and very nice but all i am is a surrogate mother, at best, "Ate". that's all i am to him, damnit. and it's all because my ex, M, thought it was cute to call each other that and to have other people call us that because God know we can never have kids of our own and now we're apart and the name, that fucking term of endearment, "NAY" stuck like glue to me. now everybody thinks i'm a mom-figure, not that i resent it, i like it when people look up to me. but just about everybody thinks i'm a mom-figure, even the hot dudes. fuck.

i'm just happy i saw him again. no beso-beso but holding his hand was enough.

Friday, October 08, 2004

I felt the earth move

It wasn’t exactly the earthquake that shook my world tonight. News that Erwin and Yvonne got married over the program The Gweilo’s Hour did. Not that I was hoping to get invited to the wedding or that I planned to stop it once the priest said, “speak now or forever hold your peace”. I was just surprised. I mean, I knew they had been together for the last nine years and their engagement was the whole basis of the Palanca award-winning essay but, I’m shocked that they actually did it. They got married.

How can anyone get married? I know how they get married. I studied the law as to how people can get married in this country. I know how people get married. But why? Why? They love each other, yes, and if ever I find one who could love me as strongly as they love each other, why not get married as well, right? But why? So they could contribute to the gene pool, yes, good reason enough to tie the noose, err, knot. Why not? What the hell is my problem? Why the hell am I whining? I’m not the one who’s going to spend the rest of my life in eeky marital heterosexual bliss.

Precisely.

What are the chances that I could meet someone like that? That it could actually last nine years, despite all the obstacles they had to go through? What are the chances I could meet someone who is smart and attractive and nice and funny and comes from a good family and is inclined to the arts and all other shit like that that they have? And if I do find someone like that, what are the chances that they’d actually like me and accept me for what I am? What are the chances I could be happy like they are? SLIM TO NONE.

DAMNIT, I’m so inggitera talaga. Syoni pa.

How many people have I seen who marry for the wrong reasons end up just separating with matching restraining orders against each other? I’m happy for them, really. I am honestly, sincerely happy for Erwin and Yvonne. I just hope it lasts. They’ve gone through too much for it to just fade. Otherwise, I would surely lose my faith in everlasting love.

"Where Hector was the first of the gang
With a gun in his hand
And the first to do time
The first of the gang to die
Such a silly boy"

First of the Gang to Die, Morrissey

i'm sorry but right now, i equate marriage with death.



Thursday, October 07, 2004

i’m so proud of me!

“how long can a girl be tortured by you?
how long before my dignity is reclaimed?
how long can a girl be haunted by you.
soon i’ll grow up and i won’t even flinch at your name
soon i’ll grow up and i won’t even flinch at your name”

Flinch, Alanis Morissette

October 6 passed by without me moping about it. sure, i posted a really pathetic blog on that day. i posted our love theme, i posted our picture when we were still cute and sweet and happy together but i didn’t cry over it. i’m happy, damnit. i mean, i’m not exactly ecstatic but you have to give me props ‘cause i didn’t cry all day. not bad for a crybaby, huh? come to think of it, i should be in the Starting Over cast. when i finally get a job, dealt with issues about my Dad, the deaths in my life, my lack of confidence in myself, found a lover that won’t leave me after either two months or three years and 35 days, and i’ve really been able to live my life the way i want to (okay, this is the part where a guy named Jino suddenly pops to mind because he didn’t like people who lacked balls and whined a lot. kinda like what i’m doing now), i’m cool. i’ll be able to graduate and i’ll get a gift pack from Kentucky Fried Chicken. the road to recovery is still very long but i’m getting there. i know i will. i’ll be so brilliant and hot and articulate and sexy and successful that all these assholes are gonna drool. they’ll drool all they want but they still wouldn’t be able to get me. HAH!

Lost: IQ

I’m trying to review for the Civil Service Examination (What?! Another frigging exam?!) and I suddenly feel really stupid. My IQ has run away and I don’t think it has plans of coming back anytime soon. I realize that I can’t exactly get any job, well, anything related to law anyway, if I don’t take that examination. My Dad says if I pass the bar, I wouldn’t have to take it because passing the bar would make me a First Grade Eligible, whatever that means. But what if I don’t pass? Not that I don’t have any faith in myself, I just don’t want to get ahead of myself. Anyway, I feel stupid because I’m trying to answer the questions (multiple choice) which should be easy except that my answers are different from that of the answer key. I’m not saying I’m right, I’m just saying given what I already know before and what I’ve learned further in my life, a word means what I think it means or how it is regularly used.

It used to be so easy then. Atty. Rey told me that it would be easy if I were a fresh graduate but since I’ve studied something else for the last six years, I’d have to review algebra and trig and geometry, reading comprehension too, of course. That wouldn’t be so hard, I guess. I just have to start reading again and study. Again.

I once read in the papers that more and more students are becoming a little stupid these days. Results of the NSAT or NAT, or whatever it’s called, were pretty low and that’s their basis of saying that the state of education has plummeted, that kids aren’t as smart as they used to be. I think kids these days are less driven than we were when we were kids. A great number of us were obliged, if not compelled, to get high grades, because high grades were the basis of one’s parenting skills. We didn’t have Emotional Intelligence back then. You either excelled in academics or sports or music and parents didn’t appreciate it so much if you were inclined to the arts because that would mean that their kid would be in That’s Entertainment with German Moreno. Lots of cash but low in education. Now, kids are encouraged to do what they want, when they want to do it and no matter how lousy it’s done, as long as they do get to finish it. I don’t know. I’m not trying to judge anyone or anything but I like to watch people, teenagers, kids. I don’t like what I see sometimes. There aren’t too many kids who read good books anymore or are interested in writing poetry. They want to write raps. They read magazines, the kind that have F4 or Echo or Diet’s photo on it or naked girls. I'm just glad that there’s the internet and somehow, in some odd little way, kids today can do research (damnit, all throughout this blog I sound like an adult, a really boring and conservative adult. Damnit, I sound like M, my ex-girlfriend! She could be a real boring parent, err, girlfriend sometimes, now that I think about it) and some blog so they can practice their communication skills, typing skills and what-have-you. So it’s still a good thing. There’s hope for kids today, their parents just have to step up and improve their parenting skills. My Dad was (still is) really mean while I was growing up but you have to admit, I wouldn’t really turn out this way (meaning, sort of bright and interesting) if he wasn’t such a mean old man. He made sure that I didn’t get a grade lower than 80 and I’d get punished if things didn’t change the next grading period. If the old man saw my grades in law school, he would have a heart attack. Damnit, I just remembered: he doesn’t have a heart problem. Fuck.

I just hope I pass this Civil Service Exam so I could a boring Government job or any job. You’ll never know. I just might need it. I just hope my IQ hasn’t really gone that far away.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

who are they again?



okay, who are they again? and where the hell are they now?

last night, i was trying to locate the magazines that were stupid enough to publish my really bad poetry. i was trying to finish my resume. you know, one can't be a bum forever. forever has an expiration date, remember? anyway, after going through a great pile of photocopied jurisprudence, really old love letters and all that dust, i was able to locate the copies of the UST Commerce Journal that did publish some of my work (the rest i just couldn't really find anymore) and some copies of the Literati. i also saw a really worn-out copy of teen beat magazine circa1993. jeez, am i that old? am i the only one who recognizes these people?

i remember having this really long conversation with my sorority sisters who were 3-4 years younger than i was and i was surprised to know that they don't know who the Ninja Kids are, who Keno is, who Benedict Aquino is (although i think Parokya ni Edgar can fill you in on that one) and what That's Entertainment the show was. they did know some of the stuff i was talking about but for the most part they were pretty much lost. diether ocampo and the rest of the hunks were probably in elementary at that time. which is not to say i'm that old. i was in elementary at the time too, you know.

i really loved jonathan brandis, especially when he was at SeaQuest DSV. his last movie was the one with Chuck Norris (Chuck who?), the guy who used to do karate and stuff. he was sooo cute. of course now, he's probably in his late twenties or early thirties so he doesn't look as cute. corin nemec was last seen in the movie Goodbye, America. i didn't get to watch that film and i was really sad when i missed it. corin is famous for his true-to-life portrayals of real people (hello?!) and for his hit comedy, Parker Lewis, Can't Lose. he and his buddies would always get into some kind of trouble with Ms. Musso, the principal and they'd plot their way out of it (SYNCHRONIZE WATCHES!!!). of course, you should know eddie furlong. i mean, come on. Terminator 3 wouldn't really have a Three if there wasn't Terminator TWO. it featured John Connor in his adolescent stage. he was sooo hot, he looked like a girl. a really hot girl-looking kid.

i kinda miss those days. i miss having to just watch TV and wait for my folks to give me money. i miss life as a student. i miss swooning over this or that guy (i was screwed up real young but i digged guys then. well, guys and girls who look like guys), professing my undying love to his poster and naming our imaginary kids then ditching him when the next cute guy surfaces on TV or the magazines. it was easier then.

oh well.

sixth of october no longer a special day

By Heart

Hold me close, baby, please
Tell me everything but that you're gonna leave

As I kiss this falling tear, I promise you
I will be here

until the stars fall from the sky
until I find the reason why
and darling, as the years go by
until there's no tear left to cry
until the angels close my eyes
and even if we're worlds apart
I'll find my way back to you
By heart

when you go, I'll stop and fly
I won't ever let this moment stop
time is stealing you from me
but it can never take this memory

until the stars fall from the sky
until I find the reason why
and darling, as the years go by
until there's no tear left to cry
until the angels close my eyes
and even if we're worlds apart
I'll find my way back to you
By heart

until the stars fall from the sky
until I find the reason why
and darling, as the years go by
until there's no tear left to cry
until the angels close my eyes
and even if we're worlds apart
I'll find my way back to you
By heart


Saturday, October 02, 2004

Ninang!!!



Today I went to my godchild’s 2nd birthday. As of today, I have a total of five godchildren: Dave Matthew (yes, he’s named after the artist, his dad used to work in a record bar), who’s probably four or five now. I can’t really tell because his mother, my neighbor, didn’t invite me for the last two birthdays (he’s missing out on a really cool godmother) so I don’t really know; Zariah Monica, my niece, who’s probably six or seven now. I don’t really know ‘coz my dad and her late grandma, had a rift before she (my aunt) died (you know, my dad has a tendency of being childish – I don’t talk to them, neither should you); Chloe, our little baby sister (of course, I was really the baby sister) at the Manly Mansion, Ate Daylou’s kid; Luiz, my Brod Norman’s kid; and today’s birthday celebrator, my friend Mico’s daughter, Adrienne Chloe.

I was late and I was so embarrassed to see Mico’s mom. The last time she and I saw each other was when Chloe was baptized and M passed out in their living room. It was both embarrassing and funny at the same time, scary too. I was so afraid that she’d die on me right then and there. I was also really scared that she was so drunk she peed in her pants. Her pants were wet when we sat her down and a bunch of Nursing students went to her rescue to figure out what had gone wrong. Anyway, I did show up and Catherine, Mico’s sister, was there to talk to me. THERE WERE SO MANY KIDS.

I saw some of their friends. You know, the Nursing students who were supposed to be knowledgeable on how to take care of a patient with high blood pressure. According to Catherine, nobody was able to graduate. They all went on to marry each other (and I could’ve sworn there was a really really cute guy with an ugly wife and kid there, I keep my thoughts to myself. They look like they love each other anyway) and have kids. Wonderful. This was a children’s party, after all. No problem if you brought kids.

I just stood there. Spectator. I kept wondering what it would be like if I had kids, my own kids, real kids. I don’t have any kids younger than seventeen years of age and they’re not really mine to begin with. They just call me, “Nay”, that’s it. It’s a whole network of people who call me, “nanay” or “mommy”. The kids in the band, in the dance group, in the frat and sorority and their partners, they’re all my kids but I don’t have real kids of my own. So I just stood there and watched. And imagined.

Chloe doesn’t know who Ninang May is. I don’t really get to visit her except during the holidays which also got me to thinking: with Mico in Italy, will Chloe still know who she is when she comes back?

So many things can pop into one’s head in events like these: will I be a good mom when I have kids? Are all these people really here for Chloe, Nanay and Catherine or are they just here for the free food? What the hell am I gonna give my other godkids and where in heavens name will I get the money if I still don’t have a job? What is Mico doing now, is she sad, and is she lonely? Is Chloe’s dad even aware his daughter is having a birthday? If I’m gonna be Mico’s lawyer, how the hell am I going to tackle the legal intricacies of the case? Does Chloe even know what’s going on? Why is that cute guy with that ugly woman and is that really his kid? Sure, she’s sexy, she’s slim, but can she really give him what he wants? Does he actually have the IQ to know the difference between cute and ugly to begin with? My crushes in Jollibee, did they ever have to put on the Jollibee costume? Is anyone who works at Jollibee obliged to wear the costume? How much do they people who wear the frigging costume? Will I earn a lot by wearing the costume? etc. etc. ad infinitum.

***

Mico was a really quiet young lady. I didn’t imagine her marrying early or getting pregnant. Well, everybody in my batch would get pregnant eventually, some even got to that stage really ahead of the others. I just didn’t expect Mico to be one of them, or at least get to motherhood before I could. I’m such a slut while she was so, uh, meek. We used to go home together. I’d be her protector from ugly people that some of them actually thought she was my girlfriend. No kidding. That’s how protective I was of my friends (Beth’s boyfriend, CAVEAT); I never let a fly touch them. It was okay for me to get hurt and experience whatever life had to offer for as long as they didn’t have to feel it. You could imagine my shock when my original “anak” gave me a phone call to tell me that she’s going to give birth soon and that I’d be the kid’s fairy godmother. I was so shocked. I imagined how cute she’d look like. She used to be sooo innocent and now, an innocent will come out of her tummy?



I have to say, I envied her. I wanted to have a kid. M and I wanted to have kids. A and I wished we had kids. E wanted to have kids with me. They can’t exactly get me pregnant because they’re all lesbians. I couldn’t get them pregnant even if I wanted to. Hmp. I remember when my friend Leo’s wife, Russel (yes, that’s her name), gave birth, he texted everyone this message:

“Ocampo: 1 YOU: ZERO”

Sometimes it pisses me off that the people who can’t afford to feed all their kids, or give them adequate love and attention, can have kids. It pisses me off that I read about cases of parents who abuse their kids. It depresses me that the people who should have kids: the responsible people, the nice people, the sane people, can’t have offspring. It depresses me when some countries, like the R.P., don’t allow gay couples to adopt because they come up with all these stupid reasons that straight people come up with to not sound like they’re discriminating against gay people when they, in fact, are.

HELLO?!: all of us are borne of heterosexual parents and queer or not, we’re all screwed up in our own little way.

***
Chloe doesn’t know Ninang May. A godmother is supposed to be a second mom.
What if I don’t make a good second mom? Does that mean I won’t make a good first mom, err, real mom? I seem okay with grownups and little babies (I just have to learn to hold them without breaking their bones), and in some instances, kids. But will I be a good mother myself?

I already asked permission from a friend to be my sperm donor so the kid will look exactly like a kid produced by M and me. but M broke up with me already, remember?



I guess I’ll never know till I become one, wouldn’t I?


Friday, October 01, 2004

smoke gets in your eyes



i cry over the weirdest things. i used to have this ka-on during elementary (yes people, i was fucked up so early in life) who told me that i was "iyakin". i would cry over the littlest of things. i cry whenever i hear a song that reminds me of someone or a letter or a poem or an object. i cry at movies: romantic, action or comedy. i even cried over Terminator 2, when Eddie Furlong was ordering Gov. Arnie not to die. while i don't really watch horror movies, i have this certain fascination for vampires and witches. hence, the love for charmed and buffy and angel and all other shows of similar genre.

call me crazy but i cried over the following scenes, to name a few:
1) when chris dies before leo can bring him back safely to the better future he helped create and he slowly just fades away;

2) when spike tells buffy to go as he's wearing the amulet and all the sunlight destroys his corporeal body, he makes the ultimate sacrifice to save the day;

3) when tara suddenly regains consciousness after glory is destroyed. she tells willow how lost she was and willow goes, "i found you. no matter what happens, i'll always find you"

today i found myself crying over the last episode of Angel, Season 4. lilah makes a deal with angel and company to take over wolfram and hart and angel reluctantly agrees so that he can save the comatose cordelia and connor from blowing up himself and the rest of the people he took hostage in the mall. angel ends up putting an end to connor's life, with him anyway. nobody has any recollection of who connor is and connor resurfaces with a new family. angel makes the ultimate sacrifice (again, that phrase) of giving up connor so he can experience how it is to be loved. angel does this even if he was justing starting to get to know and spend time with his son. the prophecy is fulfilled, the father shall take the life of the son or something like that. but he takes his son's life with a heavy heart knowing his son has felt some difficulty too and he gave him away just so he could feel the love he thought he couldn't get from angel.

i know i sound stupid, i look stupid, crying over the littlest of things, the weirdest things. crying is a form of cleansing. i need cleansing. sometimes we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and to feel weak in order to regain back the strenght. besides, without the pain, without the anger, without the sorrow, we wouldn't feel the need to be happy or find ways to try to lessen the pain. connor wanted to die in order to end the pain but angel would rather that he lost the memory of his father. either way, they sought to cleanse whatever pain they had to endure. you have to hand it to them guys, cute, cute guys. they can't cry that's why their choices are limited to death and amnesia.

N. B. mostly i think i'm just sad because Vincent Kartheiser won't be there next season, just like Drew Fuller isn't in Charmed anymore.

better, not bitter

last night, i had the opportunity to go out ever since going home to nova. i met my high school classmates because our friend dexter wanted to get together before he and his wife left for canada.

i saw cora again, tina, ed, arlene, ace, (am i supposed to name each and everyone?) and of course, dexter and his wife. it felt like a reunion of all my crushes in high school. link was there. less talk, minimum suspicion from the others.

i was pretty apprehensive about coming over even if dexter happened to be a really close friend of mine. i hated the fact that these get-togethers always turn out to be huge reminders about how unhappy i was in high school. every Christmas break since graduating in 1994, we meet and it always ends up like a big reunion for them and i end up getting really really bored. it really pissed me off that they always ended up talking about their elementary days (some bitch just has to inject how popular she and her friends were even if she was the ugliest in the group. i am sooo mean!) when it was supposed to be a high school reunion. it wasn't until maybe later in life that i learned to entertain myself by being the me that i was in college, the bels that cora knew, that boi bitch knew and all the other people appreciated. the "annabel" they know is boring, has an everlasting identity crisis, doesn't fit in, hates people and is always taken for granted by male friends. the only thing that remains from that person is the fact that i'm still angry, i still hate people and, well, now people don't think i'm as boring. oh yeah, annabel didn't have a colorful sex life.

they told me that i look better now, not bitter when they last saw me last Christmas break when we had these reunion thingies. they're right. i really just needed to be alone and not see all the frigging assholes who hurt me in order to be able to recuperate. seeing M everyday with her new girlfriend made me feel really awful and pathetic. now i don't have to see them and i'll make sure that when i do see them, i'll be prepared and that i'm a better person and that i'm not as pathetic. maybe even sexier, prettier, i'm hoping for taller but i guess that won't work. bottomline is: i am stronger now. i've always been. imagine being ostracized by these people for years and them telling me that i'm better. that's something. all those four years in high school i didn't even exist.

link was, still is, hot. i just didn't want to see him. some part of me wanted to jump on him but i restrained myself. besides, i have curfew.