Tuesday, September 28, 2004

my home

home is novalovakia. novaliches actually. i just refer to it as novalovakia when i want to sound more cute and interesting.

after the last exam, all i could think about was going home and being able to see my dad and my yaya again.

damnit, i wouldn't have to put up with my roommate from hell.

i could enjoy airconditioning without anyone asking me to rub them in the back.

no one telling me my music is too loud or forcing me to eat outrageous cooking (imagine ginisang monggo with repolyo or sinigang na bangus with carrots) or telling everybody about my latest escapade and turn it into a major news scandal.

i could see my dad again and he'd remind me what a big failure i am, or something. or once again compare me to people whose circumstances are different from mine.

i could see my yaya again and she'd ask who i've dated over the whole bar review period and if there were any cute guys in the manly mansion.

home is where your heart is, as they say.

novaliches may be jologs headquarters to some or the center of traffic in quezon city, but it's home to me :)

Monday, September 27, 2004

he hugged me!!!

i was so tired when i walked out of la salle. i wanted to cry. i was preparing myself for what i was going to see back in the bar site. A and her ex would be there. M and her dentist would be there. i just wished the tall, thin, cute, intelligent guy who's a great guitar player would show up. that would make me smile. nothing special has to happen. i just need to see him.

when i went back to the site, everybody spilled beer on me. and i haven't even gotten to the epsilon table yet! i was so wet and my hair was so sticky. and there they were. ANG MGA WALANGHIYA!

i got food, hugged and kissed everybody or shook their hand. damnit. he's not here.

then i walk around. i couldn't stay put. all four of them were there and it was a painful sight for me. A apologized and said, "sweetheart, pasensya ka na, biglang dumating". i'm okay. not that the presence of all four of you here made me suffer when i just finished taking such a long and tiring exam. walk around some more.

and there he was.

AND HE HUGGED ME. HE HUGGED ME, PEOPLE. it was a good one-minute hug. maybe longer. i wouldn't let go until he let go of me. it took a while before he did. to think i haven't changed my shirt yet. i was reeking of beer and it was a still a long hug. that did it for me.


enough said.

kitchie nadal's new video

i was really tired, having slept at around 4:30am after the Epsilon aftershock party. i was beside A in the bed although we weren't really talking anymore. i spent the whole time talking to the tall, thin, cute and intelligent great guitar player with a girlfriend. i don't want to get too attached to A anymore. besides, kevin and i dragged his butt to come with us, even if he wasn't a pledge yet so the least i could do was entertain him.

anyway, roommate from hell wakes us up with her really irritating husky voice and turns up the TV. good thing she falls asleep eventually and left the TV on. i wake up hearing Kitchie Nadal's new song, Wag Mong Sasabihin and i saw the video. i had been looking for her album in Tower Records stores everywhere. well, not yet everywhere. just the Tower near our area. rats. she has a video but no frigging album out in the market yet. i kept thinking that the song or the video could have been done by my good friend Erwin Romulo because: a) the concept looks like what he did for the Pin Up Girls' song, the title of which escapes me right now, the one where Kaye Abad is tied down to a chair. Kitchie's video is like a close-up of her face the whole time so you don't see her cute bassist and all the other members of the band. the Kaye Abad video only shows the other characters towards the end of the song; b) he and Yvonne write songs for Parokya ni Edgar and, yes, you guessed it, Kitchie Nadal.

i am so in love with the song. it sounds like a tagalog version of No Doubt's Don't Speak and it captures the same kind of intense pain Gwen has when she was singing the song.

anyway, it takes a while before i get it because i'm still sleepy that she's supposed to be singing to someone. imagine my disappointment when the guy she sings to turns out to be Onemig Bondoc! tsk. tsk. tsk. they could've gotten TJ, the close-up guy who does vocals for Heavy Traffic or someone hotter, someone close to Kitchie's heart . . . like Barbie Almalbis (hmmn . . .) or somebody! not Onemig! eew!

oh well.

conversations with the asshole ex-boyfriend

we were in line waiting for us to be given our room assignments and i was there with other people and the roommate from hell. as we were in line, the asshole that grew a face, also known as mike, walks in and says hi to everybody including me. we have meaningless chat and then he leans in to mess with my hair to which the roommate from hell reacts by saying, "uuuyyy!!! kiss nga, kiss naman dyan!!!". of course, nobody else knows about him and me except a for a few people, hence, the remark, "bakit? naging sila ba? meron ba?" and she replies, "well, now you know!" i play along a bit and then when i could sense that she was going to reveal more than she should because she's like an action in rem, like quieting of title. when she opens her mouth, it becomes notice to the whole world.

so we get our room assignments and i proceed immediately to the room to dress up and go swimming. i felt so bad about last week's exam because i missed the whole swimming thing to study. when i saw the questionnaire i told myself that i should've gone swimming because i wouldn't have been able to answer the darn questions anyway. had i gone swimming, nag-enjoy pa ko, di ba? i also promised brod rommel's daughter ivy that we'd go swimming. i didn't know that my classmates would be there. i didn't even know that mike studies by the pool area.

mike: aral na aral ka na 'no?
bels (in the pool) : hindi pa, gusto ko lang mag-relax. pagod na ko eh. saka nangako ko dito (pointing to rommel's kid) na mag-swimming kami.
mike: ano 'yan, pamangkin mo?
bels: hinde, anak ng brod ko, anak ni rommel
mike: umahon ka nga, tignan kita
bels (hiding deeper in the pool) : ayoko nga
mike (moving closer to the pool) : sige na
bels: no. me yosi ka?
mike: halika, umahon ka.
bels (trying to get the towel and covering my body before getting out of the pool) : wag ka kasi tumingin
mike: makikita ko rin yan
bels: hindi mo nakita noon, hindi mo pa rin makikita ngayon, kahit kailan
mike (lights my cigarette) : o baka matsismis ako rito ha? nagsisindi lang ako. asan ba si mel?
bels: ganun talaga yun. taklesa yun eh. alam mo ba, siya nagsabi sa mga brod at sis ko na nauna si A ke M?
mike: sino na ba boyfriend mo ngayon?
bels: wala
mike: eh girlfriend?
bels: wala rin, single
mike: ah wala? dati-rati me boyfriend at girlfriend ka no?
bels: oo nga, sabay-sabay eh. ang hilig makipagsabayan. alam na nga na me girlfriend ako nakikisawsaw pa. hindi nag-iisip.
mike: ganon?
bels: oo. sa lahat pa naman ng ayaw ko eh yung boyfriend/girlfriend na di nag-iisip (he told me this before. he can only smile. my turn to rub it in your face bwahahahaha). ngayon kung kelan single ako saka wala. basta ako, i'm enjoying my being single. kasi nga, you choose your destiny.
mike (smiling as if he remembered something) : ows, talaga?
bels: yeah, i hold my destiny. or i choose my destiny. or some other crap that sounds like that. if i remember right, it was this great philosopher who told me that by the name of (mike's full name).
mike: tanggalin mo na kasi yung twalya eh
bels: ayoko nga.
mike: di bale, para naman akong sculptor eh. nahuhubog ko na, so parang alam ko na rin kung anong itsura.
bels: alam ko naman mataba ako eh. pero in all fairness to me, pumayat na ko. ever since the break up pumayat ako. malakas lang ako uminom talaga.
mike: sino naman nakipaghiwalay sa'yo kaya panay ang inom mo?
bels: excuse me, hindi po ako umiinom dahil me nakipaghiwalay sa'kin.
mike: eh sino nga?
bels: si M
mike: yung bang si M, me bago na?
bels: oo, meron na. pareho silang malaki. magdyugdyugan sila.
mike: eh, bakit ka nga naman umiinom?
bels: because i want to. hindi naman ako umiinom kasi me nakipaghiwalay sa'kin. di ko gawain yun. nung naghiwalay kami wala, nagpagupit lang ako ng buhok. eh sa ganun eh.
mike: anong ginawa mo?
bels: wala, gimik lang. tinaon ko na lahat ng gimik ko nung nasa dorm na ko. di ako umiinom kasi iniwanan ako. umiinom ako kasi gusto ko. balik na ko. walang kasama yung bata.
mike: eh anong gagawin mo kung hilahin ko yung twalya?
bels: tatadyakan kita sa bayag (then i went back to the pool to swim more. Kanlungan is played on the radio of the food station)
mike (still looking at me) : pana-panahon ng pagkakataon . . .
bels: wag mo sabayan
mike: . . . gumamela . . .
bels: gumamela nga wala eh
mike: hindi mo kasi nahintay eh
bels: hinde, ikaw ang hindi naghintay
mike: eh di kung nagbigay ako nun, mag-iisip siya (or did he say "ka"?) kung kanino galing
bels: payosi ulit. ang ganda ng girlfriend mo.
mike: girlfriend?!
bels: yung kasama mo nung saturday
mike: hindi ko girlfriend yun, ate ko yun! wala akong girlfriend.
bels: ate mo? bat di mo kamukha? ampon ka siguro
mike: sa lahat ng tao sa ue, ikaw lang ang nagtaka. ikaw lang ang nagsabing hindi ko kamukha ate ko
bels: kasi iba ko. sui generis.
mike (looks at me like he still wants to eat me) : oo nga, iba ka talaga
(i go back swimming. you know, i didn't know typing this could be so hard. i go out of the pool to pee)
mike: bat ba daan ka ng daan?!
bels: bakit ano bang akala mo, nagpapa-cute ako sayo?!
mike: hindi na kailangan
bels: talagang hindi na kailangan kasi matagal na akong cute!
mike: sino tini-text mo?
bels: uhm (i was trying to text link because he said he'd try to drop by to make me, uh, "smile", if you know what i mean), friend ko. you know contrary to popular belief me ano rin naman ako 'no.
mike: me ano?
bels: basta yun.

rommel comes over to pick me and his daughter up because it's 5pm already! damnit, and i said i was just gonna go swimming for 30 minutes.

rommel: pare, ikaw, di ka nalangoy?
mike: hinde, aral lang ako
bels: hindi naman tinatablan ng tubig yan eh.
mike: hindi nakayanan ang amoy
bels: hindi ko naman talaga aamuyin eh
mike: wala naman akong sinabing inamoy mo
bels: kaya pala me kumalat na meron. hmp.
mike: akyat ka na?
bels: yep. bye!
mike: ganun lang yun?!
bels: yep, ganun lang yun!
mike: wala ba talaga?
bels: keep on dreaming, sweetie

and then i go back to my room, the room where jen and i stayed the first night of the whole bar thingy. good thing the person in the other room wasn't M. i've had enough assholes for one day.

Friday, September 24, 2004

torpe rin pala ako

i'm so stupid!!!

and to think i pride myself for being the one to have, uh, "courted", my lesbian girlfriends, all three of them. i'm just not as slick when it comes to the guys.

i have been harboring these high school girl feelings for this cute cute guy from unit 503 (i'm from 502) and my roommate already got his full name and all other info about him while i content myself with just seeing him, sharing the elevator with him and smelling him. he smells sooo good. so good enough to eat!!!


i have to get his number before i leave the manly mansion . . .

Thursday, September 23, 2004

let's say . . .

. . .you're a happily married man with two kids. you are studying for the bar and you're temporarily staying with your two female friends. one night, when your other friend was away, you had consensual sex with the friend staying with you. you're not exactly in love with her, you just happened to be really horny at the time. she blabs about what happened to other people and keeps on giving you threats that she might be pregnant.

. . . you are studying to become a lawyer. you are tackless. you always try to build up your image by lying about others. you like to diss people about their lifestyle without exactly reflecting on your own. you like to blab about what others do with their lives and you keep saying that you will never be guilty of the things you criticize others about. then one night, you have consensual sex with a married man, your former crush who is temporarily staying with you. he's not in love with you so you tell people that it was his fault. you lie about what really happened so that people will pity you and make your male friend look like the asshole when you're the one who actually wanted it. oh yeah, did i mention that you're a Christian?

. . . you're still in love with your ex-girlfriend. you've recently made peace with your other ex, the one your best friend stole away from you. so you have sex without commitment. you enjoy each other's company because for some weird reason, you guys seems to be okay when you're not a thing. you guys look good together, you have fun together but you're scared of committing to her and being close to her 'coz you're still waiting for your other ex, the one you replaced her with, to come back. you love her but not as much as the ex you're waiting for. you love her but you don't want to leave her hanging.

. . . you love your first lesbian girlfriend. she's probably your first because you look straight. your girlfriend told you that the reason she broke up with her ex is because the ex cheated on her. what you don't know is that your girlfriend, the sweet, romantic, english-speaking lesbian with a devilish grin is an insensitive asshole who has a tendency of taking people for granted when they've been with her for a long time. you don't know that she likes to compete with other people who tried to get her ex's attention. you don't know that she lied and backstabbed her best friend to get her ex.

. . . you love your new dentist-girlfriend. sure, she's not as attractive as your old girlfriend but at least she doesn't whine as much. she's bigger too. you're sooo in love with her you parade with her everywhere and you talk about her all the time. but she doesn't know that you get sick often and you have a poor way of managing your finances, not to mention, you can be a real insensitive jerk if you want to be. she doesn't even know that you stole your ex from your best friend.

. . . you have a girlfriend who loves you very much. you weren't planning on staying with her that long. you wanted to get back with your first love, your girlfriend of three years, but your current girlfriend wouldn't let you. your conscience wouldn't let you. she loves you so much that even if you don't love her that much you're forced to stay with her. sometimes you pray that she wouldn't change or that you'll catch her with some other guy just so you'd have a reason to break up with her.

. . . you're a bisexual. you've dated a number of guys before meeting the love/s of your life, lesbians who happen to be best of friends. the first one didn't stay with you that much because she had other things to do so she always left you with her best friend whom you didn't know had the hots for you. the best friend lied and backstabbed your girlfriend so you didn't wait for her anymore. the best friend suddenly became the center of your life. you bought jackets and bags and rubber shoes and band equipment together and proceeded to discuss your life in the next sixty-five years. then she gets sick a lot and she's not that sweet and romantic anymore. not to mention, you always pay for everything. then you notice this asshole that kinda grew a face, he wasn't gorgeous but he made you feel special. then there was this other lesbian who had a girlfriend but dug you in a major way and she would do everything just to make your girlfriend look like dirt. but you choose your girlfriend. a year later she has a dental appointment, she falls in love with her dentist and leaves you for dead right before you're going to take the biggest exam of your life. recently you have made peace with your first ex and you guys are so sweet together. but she's still in love with her ex, the one she replaced you with. not to mention, you still love your ex, the sweet, hot, cute, english-speaking lesbian with the devilish grin.


Wednesday, September 22, 2004

for A

"once my lover, now my friend. what a cruel way to pretend. what a cunning way to condescend. once my lover and now my friend." - Shadowboxer, Fiona Apple

when i first heard this song, A was the first person to enter my brain. is that bad, to associate songs with people? does that mean they're special?

suntok sa buwan by
Session Road

di mo ba alam, damdamin ko'y pinagtakpan
pag kasama ka'y suntok sa buwan
di mo ba alam, punto ay iyong tignan
kung ganyan, walang pupuntahan

di ko 'to gusto wag kang lalayo

itanong mo sa akin, tatanungin ka rin kung ika'y aamin
lahat ay gagawin
itanong mo sa akin, tatanungin ka rin kung ika'y aamin
lahat ay gagawin

di mo napapansin
sana ay iyong dinggin
di habang buhay ika'y hihintayin

ito'y aking hiling
sana naman ay tanggapin
nang ang puso ko'y di nabibitin

di ko 'to gusto, pero wag kang lalayo

itanong mo sa akin
tatanungin ka rin
kung ika'y aamin, lahat ay gagawin
itanong mo sa akin
tatanungin ka rin
kung ika'y aamin, lahat ay gagawin

di ko 'to gusto, wag kang lalayo

itanong mo sa akin, tatanungin ka rin
kung ika'y aamin, lahat ay gagawin
itanong mo sa akin, tatanungin ka rin
kung ika'y aamin, kung ika'y aamin
lahat ay gagawin

haaay . . .

i really enjoyed monday night. sure, my date didn't push through. i enjoyed what happened the hours BEFORE my supposed date. i deliberately hid myself from A. i got to spend time with the crush: the tall thin cute intelligent guy who's a great guitar player but has a girlfriend. i really enjoyed talking to him that at one point i was able to trick him into kissing me. well, he kissed me on the right cheek but it was the best kiss on the right cheek i have ever had!!!

i feel so high school, like giddy and bubbly and giggly high school kid.

he was so interesting to get to know and talk to that it didn't occur to me that i was older than he was (four years lang naman eh!) or that every now and then he'd call me "nay" (remnants of my old relationship. the kids called me that and they called M their "tatay" whatever), i just felt really relieved and glad to talk to him even if his girlfriend was gonna fetch him afterwards.

i was so happy. it felt nice to have to talk to a heterosexual guy who didn't think less of you despite all you've been through and will even tell you that all things are possible and that you're great (even if he doesn't necessarily dig you) and that you're worth loving and everything. we smoked and we could've gone somewhere to drink like we used to but we opted not to. besides, it would be nice if he'd tell me he was attracted to me while he's sober (like it'll ever happen) or that he had wanted me for the longest time only M was in the way. i wanted him ever since i saw him only M was in the way. oh well, dream on, bels.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

i have no idea what to call this post

four years ago today, A broke up with me. M and I kissed in front of the UST church. and Ferdinand Marcos declared martial law before most of us were even conceived.

why do i look back on this? because i'm sick and i'm tired of waiting on people.

between A, who's still in love with her ex (the one she replaced me with) but who enjoys free sex and everything else with me because for some weird reason we seem to be okay when we're together but not really, and my crush, the tall thin cute (dimples pa lang, panalo na!!!) intelligent guy who's a great guitar player (but then, i'm such a lousy guitar player that everyone else who knows more than the D-A-G-A chords is great for me. no, seriously, he's great. eat your heart out, Paolo Santos!) but has a girlfriend, i think i'd choose the tall thin cute intelligent guy who's a great guitar player but has a girlfriend. i wouldn't even count M here. i love her to death. i love her even though she parades around the school with her new dentist-girlfriend. but i think the only reason i want her is because SHE'S NOT MINE ANYMORE.
i am so sick and tired and fed up with investing on people. i give them my trust, my time, my efforts, my money (although it's no big deal. damnit, if i really care for somebody, even if i have to beg in the streets, i would, just to help that person), my love, my everything. blood, sweat and tears, literally.

i was supposed to get laid last night. link and i were supposed to have a date. i needed that date. i needed it to not feel, as link has taught me the art of not feeling, of sex without commitment, of making love without the love. i needed it so as not to get too attached to A. i think i just want her because she's there, because i always see M and she's got someone.

i hate it when i want to be with someone just for the sake of having someone.

i hate it when i do everything that i can just to make a person love me but it still wouldn't fucking work. I'M NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE.

i hate it when people say something to you and do something totally different.

i hate it when guys/girls choose some really, i mean, really, ugly insipid girl over me.

did i just say that?

i hate it when i am this way.

this used to be my playground

i've been walking around the hallways of the Manila Pavillion Hotel for the last three weekends that it never occurred to me that i used to walk around the same hallways when i was a kid. yes, it was my playground.

i was born in the hospital right behind it, the Manila Doctors Hospital, when my folks told me we couldn't afford the damn hospital. but it was near my mom's office. she used to have her own office in the hotel, when it was still called the Manila Hilton (not Paris Hilton, although they probably used to own the place, or at least, the franchise, i don't know). according to my dad, some person tricked my mom into sub-leasing the office and when management changed, that person was responsible for having my mom kicked out of her office. oh well, that's life.

one more weekend at the hotel. i'm gonna make sure i enjoy every minute of it, regardless of the fact that my exs are there with their new significant others. i won't give a shit. besides, i was there before everybody else was.

Friday, September 17, 2004

what the hell am i gonna do?!

i still haven't finished studying for commercial law and criminal law. i have no fucking idea how i'm gonna survive sunday. those are four gruelling hours in the morning and three more in the afternoon.

a lot of people tell me that i can do this. sometimes, more often than they should that it might actually go to my head that i don't need to study. i do, i really need to frigging study. six years and six months still proves inadequate to answer all the bar questions which, are relatively easy actually. it's just that, with all the information that you have to sink into your head, it might cause your head to explode. it's sooo hard to guess which questions they're gonna ask and won't so you really have no fucking idea what to read, what to focus on and what not to waste your time with trying to remember.

as of this writing, 650 barristers have withdrawn from the race and a lot have gone bonkers even before the actual examinations. i already am insane. just in case i do become a lawyer, i don't want them to fetch me from the mental ward so i can take my oath.

oh well, read. read. read.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

sorry, sweetie, you just ain't good enough


i used to have this crush in high school. he was really cute and tall and thin and intelligent and he was a great guitar player.

i used to have this crush in college. he was cute and tall and thin. not really that intelligent, but cute.

i used to have this crush in law school one.  he was cute and tall and thin. not really that intelligent, but cute.

now i have this crush in law school two. he is cute and tall and thin and intelligent and he is a great guitar player.

all of these guys don't like me. well, they do, but not that way. i'm just their friend. whatever that means.

for some weird reason, all these guys like girls who are like me, BUT NOT ME.

which is why sometimes, i don't like guys.

do i want to get married?

i don't think i'm like most girls. well, i'm not like most girls. i don't think i'll ever get married. i don't dream about it. it would be nice if someone asked me to marry them. well, i think somebody did. two of them, actually. they're now both with someone else (M and A). i don't exactly close my doors or my mind to the idea that i will settle down someday and have kids. i actually just want kids (a lot of my friends tell me that a lot of guys would kill for this kind of set-up. my father will also kill me). i guess i learned early in life that i might end up lonely and alone. or that nobody would be as neurotic enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me. it comes with the territory. you're a bisexual. people don't exactly deal with you so much with respect, much less treat you like their equal, like you're capable of doing something important in this world, so why would they want to marry you?

Slide by The Goo Goo Dolls

Could you whisper in my ear
The things you wanna feel
I'll give you anything
To feel it coming
Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide

Yeah were gonna let it slide

Don't you love the life you killed
The priest is on the phone
Your father hit the wall
Your ma disowned you
Don't supposed I'll ever know
What it means to be a man
Something I can't change
I'll live around it

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide

And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall

Oh May (that's my name!)
Put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Oh May
Do you wanna get married or run away

And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall

Oh May
Put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Oh May
Do you wanna get married or run away

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

do you really have to hurt me?

we were sharing childhood stories. i once told my roommates how my father tends to hurt me when he gets angry. i talked back at him and so he strangled me. the story came up again and it's weird because she, my roommate from hell, told them the story, with matching action.  she literally choked me in front of her mother and father and our other housemates.  what bothered me further was that nobody tried to stop her while all this was happening.

i understand people's enthusiasm when telling a story. i get carried away sometimes, too.  but do you have to strangulate people, in their own story?

Sunday, September 12, 2004

4 exams down, 2 more sundays to go

i'm so tired. exhausted. drained is more apt.

ever unleashed all the food that you ate on both ends of your anatomy?

or have your head spinning from all the things you need to know, you think you know but can't really remember when you need to?

yep, that's how toxic i am.

i know, i know, i should be reading. or at least resting. but i need desperately to blog. i need to blog or i'll totally lose it.

so much to read . . . so little time . . .

it's a good thing my roommate from hell isn't my roommate in the hotel or else i'll be more toxic.

it's a good thing i got to be away from people. no one bugging me about stuff.

i couldn't sleep though.

i'm just happy that everytime i go back to the epsilon bar site i arrive with a smile on my face which kinda means i'm not that stupid that i'm so depressed because i don't know anything and i didn't get to write anything in the exams.

i'm just tired.

i'm not a hypocrite.

i need to sleep.

Friday, September 10, 2004

is Avril the next Alanis?

a lot of people will not agree with the premise that Avril Lavigne is the next Alanis Morissette. they say that Avril tries too hard. Alanis, after all, is a tough act to follow. both are from Canada, both started their careers early, both are angry. i don't know what else they have in common but if Avril has a cute hot dude for a boyfriend too, i'm gonna kill myself.

i haven't really had an opportunity to listen to all of Avril's songs, whereas i've had all Alanis' albums safely stacked in my novalovakia house. what i do know is, the bar exams better end soon so i can finally get in touch with my creative side and write my own angry girl anthems.

okay, here's a good analogy: i used to be the youngest in our band, Lex Palooza. i was the alanis. now that i've graduated, one of our kids, dess, she's the one who belts out the avril hits. pretty cool, huh?

i like this one particular Avril ditty, though:


Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldn't you just see through me?
How come, you act like this
Like you just don't care at all
Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?

I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you're far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we're not saying
Let's play, a different game than what we're playing
Try, to look at me and really see my heart
Do you expect me to believe I'm gonna let us fall apart?

I can feel, I can feel you near me, even when you're far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

So go and think about whatever you need to think about
Go on and dream about whatever you need to dream abou
And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel

I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you're far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me

It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

roommate from hell strikes again

just when i thought my vacation was over, she's back to wreck havoc in my otherwise pretty silent world.

i will reserve blogging about the whole bar exam scenario some other time, maybe when they're all over. right now, i'd like to talk about what happened after the exams, sunday afternoon, at the barsite.

i didn't get lunch. i couldn't find the person who was supposed to deliver my lunch and vice versa. roommate from hell (mel) received lunch, along with the others. unfortunately, she didn't like fish, because according to her, it was very cumbersome to do the whole "himay" thing. upon reaching the bar site after our last exam, everybody asked me what i had for lunch and were very apologetic about it. i was too tired to say anything so i just asked for food. i wasn't really mad. i ate the brownies and the banana cake i got the night before. it was enough to sustain me for the 3-hour long exam although i almost did faint out of hunger. i just sat there and ate. they were all very nice. A didn't eat lunch until i got there. she said she couldn't bring herself to eat when she knew i was starving. awww, isn't that sweet?

anyway, mel, who did get food, shouted at my kids, my frat brods and sorority sisters. she complained about the food and said she threw the ones for the others away. she kept on yakking and yakking and even pretended to faint (i will not discuss why, maybe later, hehehe) but no one would attend to her anymore! who would? i was furious at her but didn't show it. i, who didn't get to eat was just there, silent. she who at least got food even had the galls to complain about it. my kids worked hard for that. the least she could do was show some appreciation. A told my kids to go on ahead without her. she even told them not to bring her food anymore, never mind if she's a barrister. abusado siya, she said.

the next day, all my kids told me she wouldn't stop yakking in the car. they all wanted to cry because of her. she was pretty lucky that they even let her ride with them. they told me it's weird how i can live with her and her attitude problem.

honestly, i don't really know. i told you, her folks are great. i have no idea what went wrong with her. maybe it's true that she's adopted :)

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

i feel so loved

beth wasn't going to be able to see me. being an active member of their sorority, she had other matters to attend to. but she was going to send someone to give me notes first thing in the morning of September 5. she asked if i wanted dinner, breakfast or lunch too.

jules couldn't make it because it was his little sister's birthday. but he texted me. before and after the exam. you can't exactly text people during the exam. IT IS FORBIDDEN.

cora couldn't make it because she had to do overtime work. but she texted me and said she'd pray for me.

Carlos Palanca awardee for essay Erwin Romulo texted me Friday night and told me that he had been praying for me (imagine that, i have God, and i have friends from high places! Erwin is 5'11", i think) and he wished me luck.

chris visited me and we had a blast judging people. we checked out cute guys and we were looking for this one particular guy from the 9th floor. it turned out to be a barrister i know, who, wouldn't come out yet. i could smell him from afar. anyway, chris was sorry not to have brought me anything because he was financially unbeautiful but he promised that he'd visit me again so we could relax, I could relax.

rose, atty. lovelyn, atty. denia visited me and gave me toothpaste. rose had potpourri for me and chocolates which she said i should eat for good memory (it also makes one fat, sweetie). they were all very nice and they all made me feel better because they all saw M's new girlfriend. oh well.

atty. rey brought me brownies. he also brought me notes and gave me tips on how to answer the bar. we smoked and he gave me words that made me feel a whole lot better.

A took care of me, my sorority sisters and my "kids" took care of me, they brought me what i need. i felt special. i felt loved.

a great number of people believe i have the potential to do great things. i just have to believe in myself that i do. you have to understand, when you've been put down so long, you tend to doubt yourself and what you're capable of doing. that made me cry.

i can do this. or my name isn't MAY ANNABEL M. DACUMOS

what?! no smoking rooms?! and what?! who's next door?!

i was pretty excited upon reaching the hotel. i was still in bar ops committee/field trip mode. LIFE IS ONE BIG FIELD TRIP. as we went down the bus, i could feel the tension. you get billeted on a five-star hotel only to be hanged the next day. we went to the nautilus1 function room where we would be registered and we could finally rest in our respective room assignments. i really wanted to rest already. not to mention, i didn't want the uncomfortable situation of M going in the function room with her new gf and everybody will be talking about me, etc.etc. ad infinitum. you must think i'm so paranoid. I DON'T JUST THINK THEY'LL ALL BE TALKING ABOUT ME, I KNOW THEY'LL ALL BE TALKING ABOUT ME. of course, everybody else will be so busy studying for the bar exams but it's there. the silence was killing me.

i just walked passed them on my way out. i didn't say "hi!" or even tried to smile. hindi ako plastic. nagpakatotoo lang ako.
when i got to the room, my roommate Jen, wasn't there yet. she had to wait til her bf, Wyrlou, was finally settled in his room. i looked around and i was sooo disappointed to see there was no terrace. I SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED FOR THE SMOKING ROOM. or a terrace, at least. Jen didn't smoke anymore so i needed the terrace to respect her non-smoking rights. i also saw a connecting door. you know, the kind they had in the movie It Could Happen To You, where Nicholas Cage got to be with Bridget Fonda. i was really curious as to who was on the other room. i wanted to know so that if Jen and i couldn't agree on something, we could always ask the other barristers next door.

i went back to the 3rd floor to check the other people's rooms, i wanted to know where my brods and sis were staying. first thing i saw on the list, M was in room 1726! and my room was 1725! she was the one i had to know through the connecting door to?! and they're sleeping in one big bed?! AAARRRGGHHH!!!!!!!! can it get any worse than this?

i was gonna take the biggest exam in my entire life and i could hear them giggling in the other room. A was there too. fuck. i had to go back to the third floor. it was the only floor in the manila pavillion with a smoking room.

Monday, September 06, 2004

the send off

i woke up and the first thing that came into my head was P.O.T. 's song.

Piece of This

farewell to my friends
I thought I'd leave you all behind
my time is running
and I'm about to lose my mind again

now and then, I tremble all over
but I will carry the load upon my shoulder
and I know this will all be over
if only I can open my eyes

is it loneliness?
is it emptiness?
maybe melancholy
have a piece of this

now I see the sunlight shining through
there's no reason to feel blue
but when I know I'm goin' down
I look all around me, and laugh like a clown, yeah

now and then I tremble all over
but I will carry this load upon my shoulder
but I know this will all be over if only I can open my eyes

is it loneliness?
is it emptiness?
maybe melancholy
have a piece of this

can anybody help me when i'm down
'coz everybody says I'm just a clown
oh, but I know
love will stick around
'coz I've been lost and found, yeah

now I see the sunlight shining through
there's no reason to feel blue
oh but, when I know I'm goin' down
I look all around me and no, I won't frown

now and then I tremble all over
but I will carry the load upon my shoulder
but I know this will all be over
as soon as I open my eyes

no more loneliness
no more emptiness
no more melancholy, baby
have a piece of this

i was looking forward to the send off. i had been sending off people for years. now it was my turn. i was late for the mass for the barristers. it was the first time i had attended a mass in a long time. i needed it. after the mass they asked all of the barristers to go to Lualhati. there weren't that many people because some students still had classes and exams that day but it was quite a number and many had been waiting outside the recto gate. they threw confetti at us from the top floors and there were students handing out long red balloons to the barristers while my good friend, Jerome Ilagan was giving a speech on how the UE law students will kick ass this year. then one by one all our professors gave inspirational messages. just when you think it was okay to cry (A held M's new girlfriend by the hand through the field), it started to rain. see? it not just rains when i sing. it also rains when i'm sad. i was really jealous. just when i said i was gonna try to control my jealous urges. it's bad enough that M's new girl was there when she was supposed to be with me but my other ex A, was taking care of her when she was supposed to be taking care of me. now you see how my two exs always fight over the same girls?

anyway, much as i would've liked to be teary-eyed, i couldn't. people would see it as a sign of defeat on my part because M's gf was there and A was with her and not how it should be: that i was really just happy that the whole UE law community was there to support us. i just felt happy. a lot of people believe in me, in us. i was just happy to be there. i wanted to cry when they sang the ue hymn but the tears wouldn't fall.

after the dean's speech, and when it finally stopped raining, we all started to walk towards the recto gate. people kept on wishing me luck and taking my things from me. talk about tender loving care. upon reaching the recto gate, the students formed a human cord which led to the bus door and they started cheering for each barrister who entered the bus. "GO UE LAW! GO UE LAW!" was the mantra. i didn't go to the bus immediately. i was too shy. besides, i was still in bar ops committee mode. i can't believe I'M gonna take the friggin' bar exams!

then i decided, right after everybody went inside the bus that i'd finally go in and when i did, all the people cheered. they cheered and shook my hand and the professors hugged me and shook my hand. i really wanted to cry, the tears just wouldn't fucking fall! but you have to admit, being the last one to enter the bus was a good decision. i felt special. i felt like a star.

it was such great sight. A finally let go of M's girlfriend and wished me luck by the window. she said she'd go to the hotel where we're billeted after her exam. that made me want to cry.

i wish i had a picture of how they looked like when they waved at us as the bus went away. all of them happy and excited because they weren't the ones to be executed.

Friday, September 03, 2004


damnit! there are 5, 422 people who will take the fucking bar this year. yep, that many. and only a few will make it to the legal profession.

kasama kaya ako dun?

i don't know. we'll see.

i wonder how many of them got through law school just because their parents made them. i wonder how many of them had to go through a break up while reviewing for the bar. i wonder how many of them had a self-righteous bitch for a roommate. i wonder how many of them didn't have any money. i wonder.

i wonder how many of us will pass or fail.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

3 days and counting . . .

in just a matter of days, i will be hanged.

nah, i'm exaggerating but it feels like i'm gonna be dead soon.

for the past four years i have been sending off people to the bar exams. i see them walk out of the ue recto gate, we pray for them, we sing our hymn and we cheer for them until their bus for the hotel leaves. it's always been a tearjerking moment to wave to your friends as you wish them well for the bar exams. every year i cried and cheered for people, regardless if i knew them or not. i just believed that they had the capacity to become lawyers. now, it's my turn to be sent off to the hotel. it's my turn to cry, not because i'm wishing them well, but because i will see other people wishing ME well. it's my turn to take the bar.

the send-off is one hell of an experience.

all those years, i was with M. we sent off people. sure, when i was in first year, A and I were still a thing but i was with M most of the time. i cried while holding M's hand. this year, when we take the bar, i'm not holding her hand anymore. she's holding somebody else's. it makes me a bit sad.

"you and me, we used to be together, everyday together, always"

i'm a bit scared. i've been studying law for the past six years and i still feel like i don't know anything. i have people supporting me, believing i'll make it. even my dad made me cry. you know, those rare opportunities where he makes me cry not because he's mad at me for being such a worthless, stupid idiot who won't amount to anything,but because he believes in me and my capacity to do great things.

sometimes i think the result of the bar exams won't exactly change the way people think about me, regardless if i pass or fail. sometimes i think people would rather i fail so they'd have an excuse for dissing me some more. because if i pass and i become a lawyer, they'd feel more miserable about themselves. imagine: if i pass, i the bisexual who listens to rock music, who drinks and smokes too much, who talks invectives left and right, tapos ang ganda ko pa, poor them. they'll hate me more because they're straight, they're supposed to be normal and shit like that but it is I, the short girl who likes to wear black who put one over the straight people.