Tuesday, August 31, 2004

the asshole that grew a face

my last boyfriend was a law graduate. he became mine just about the same time i was still with M.

brief recap: M and I were together for three years. during our second year together, i cheated on her by having an affair with this guy and with another lesbian, E. we broke up when they graduated.

i didn't choose him. some part of me wanted to choose him because he was a guy and i could finally walk the STRAIGHT and narrow path but the greater part of me didn't want him because he's such a sleazy asshole. i was the only delusional individual in the UE College of Law who thinks he's a nice guy. the man is kiss-and-tell. he told people i had sex with him even if i never laid eyes or gave respect to his penis. damnit, i tried to feel him once and i didn't even feel a thing (probably doesn't have one, or if he does it's microscopic). a lot of people just think i had sex with him because of one simple text message which was meant to be a joke that he blew out of proportion. until now M doesn't believe nothing happened between me and that asshole.

i saw him yesterday. he's still short and he still looks like a farmer (no offense to farmers), he still looks like a somewhat better yet decaying version of Manny Pacquiao (no offense to Manny Pacquiao). he hasn't changed. he still looked like an asshole from where i was standing. yes, it was love that i felt when we became a thing behind M's back because i can't think of any other logical explanation to rationalize such stupidity. he said "hi" and i gave him my "get lost" look.

i wish i could forgive him. i wish i could say that i made peace with him but i can't. you can't expect to have a meaningful conversation with an asshole that talks.

roommate from hell

"patience is a virtue."

i'm such a wimp.

i woke up this morning with an aching back.

my roommate's parents are staying in the R.P. for the next ten days and they're staying in our room. me and my roommate sleep outside the room. a lot of people have been telling me i shouldn't have let that happen especially now in this stage of our lives when it's just how many days to go before the dreaded bar exams (if it was that dreaded you'd wonder why i still have the galls to blog and not just study) and it's during these times when barristers need to be as COMFORTABLE as possible. A keeps telling me not to allow it, as well as other people. even my ex, M, who doesn't normally talk to me, told me to assert my rights as a paying tenant.

i can't exactly assert my right, even if i want to. she doesn't see her parents as often as i meet my dad (they're based in Hawaii) and i don't want to be this selfish bitch who didn't let them support their daughter for the bar exams. besides, i think my roommate gave them the idea that they could stay in our place and that i wouldn't mind even before she could ask my opinion on the matter. it kinda means that if i say "no", it wouldn't be her image on the line but mine. just like when our other roommate left. she kept on bossing the other one around and saying stuff which was best kept in the confines of our room. yep, that's how bossy she is. that's how uncaring she is in terms of how i feel. her parents are nice. that's weird because . . . she's not.

i hate the fact that she was so self-righteous about everything: how i'm supposed to live my life, how i should be studying and not drinking all the time (she has a point here, though. but i got ahead of her in the scope so i just shut my mouth and not let her know that), how she blabs to our classmates in the review what goes on in my life, how i should date just guys and not lesbians, how i should dress and put make up on, how i shouldn't turn off people by telling them i'm a bisexual, etc. etc. ad infinitum.

in light of recent events (which i'm not of liberty to discuss here 'coz it's not my sex life), i'm reminded again of how one shouldn't really judge others when their rotten themselves, i don't rub it in her face. i don't really confront her about the things she says to others about me or how bad she treats me (she's older than me, she's more superior in the sorority than i am and she's a self-righteous "Christian" who pimps me to every single guy who visits the dorm) because i don't want to burden myself with anything but the bar exams. it's bigger than any of us. it's not because i'm a wuss. besides, i don't have to justify my actions to her. we all know i'm prettier, smarter, nicer.

i'm not a wuss.

"patience is a virtue"

Sunday, August 29, 2004

he who is without sin must cast the first stone

"it doesn't mean much, it doesn't mean anything at all. the life i've left behind me is a cold room . . ."
Sweet Surrender, Sarah McLachlan

i had this lengthy discussion with my roommate about how people perceive me, specifically with my relationship with my exs, A and M. she told me that some of our frat brods and sorority sisters think less of me because of this lesbian telenovela that i'm living. they tell her that i'm pretty, smart, talented, sweet but they don't think i'll ever find a decent guy because of the things i've been doing and because of my being openly bisexual. THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT: i can't find a decent guy because i have never met anyone, any guy for that matter who will see past the cuteness, angst and bisexuality. do you think if there were really nice guys out there, i'd waste my time waiting on my exs who are both lesbians? there aren't even guys out there who will give me the respect i deserve, or take care of me the way my lesbian exs have. and it's not just because i just limit myself to just lesbians, I DON'T. i just haven't found people, men in particular, who would see me the way i am, not the way they want me to be.

i don't want to be like these people who are too chicken or too bored with their own lives that they find me and my life as a form of entertainment. it's not like i don't try to look at it in a different perspective i do, which is why i have so high tolerance for these idiots; these lower life forms who smile at me but do not have the balls to say all these weird things behind my back right to my face. i am not surprised anymore. it's not my fault they're boring, they're envious of me because they don't have the same courage to be what they want. i'm already repressed as it is, given my strict dad. i will not allow myself to be restricted further because there are some people who have difficulty in comprehension.

"and it wears me out. it wears me out. it wears me out. if i could be who you wanted, if i could be who you wanted all the time . . ."
Fake Plastic Trees, Radiohead

i've also said my piece, well, not all of it, to my roommate. in light of recent events, she has told me that maybe, i'm better. that maybe i'm in a much better position to give lectures than she is. i don't say things and do otherwise. i don't like to look at people and think how better i am by demeaning them. i am not a hypocrite ( i'm almost ballooning into a hippo, but i'm no tupperware, baby!) and it never was me to be mad at people i couldn't understand. i don't criticize. i try to practice what i preach to my "kids". and i don't try to say stuff that i'll end up eating anyway. i don't like eating my words. food is better. that, or , well, lips :)

Saturday, August 28, 2004

For anyone who’s had difficulty in letting go and the people they try hard to hold on to


hawak mo lang ako
ngunit sa higpit ay nakakasakal

parang pusang bumabalik kahit ilang beses mong iligaw

parang tanong na paulit-ulit bumabagabag sa’king isipan

hindi mo na nalaman

mga bagay na di mo nalaman dahil bulag ka
o dahil pinilit mong ipikit ang mga mata mo

hawak mo lang ako
ngunit sa higpit ay nakakasakal

siguro dahil nagpapasakal ako

masarap pala

ngunit masakit sa bandang huli
pag binatukan ka ng katotohanang mali ito,
hindi kailan man magiging pwede

hawak mo lang ako
ngunit sa higpit ay nakakasakal

binitawan na kita

pero hindi man lang kita nahawakan

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

some songs i like to sing to my exs

Ugly Girl by Fleming and John

When I saw you at the grocery store 
you were sharing a shopping cart with her 
and I couldn't turn and run away 
I didn't know what to say 
you introduced us for the first time 
and I had to look her in the eye 
but you could not imagine my surprise 
can't you see you're leaving me 
for an ugly girl 

does she talk about politics 
and all the stuff that used to make me sick 
does she smoke cigars and stay up late 
oh she's so great 
does she tell you what you want to hear 
and I bet that she can grow a beard 
I'd feel better thinking you were queer 
it's not fair I can't compare 
to an ugly girl 

ha ha ha the jokes on me 
I feel jealous and I feel mean 
is she so nice that it makes up for her face 
there's no way 
do you have to keep your eyes closed 
do you have to keep the lights down low 
oh I bet you wish you had a blindfold 
can't you see you're leaving me for an ugly girl 

You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette

I want you to know, 
that I'm happy for you 
I wish nothing but the best for you both 

An older version of me 
Is she perverted like me 
Would she go down on you in a theatre 
Does she speak eloquently 
And would she have your baby 
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother 

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able 
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no 
And every time you speak her name 
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me 
Until you died, till you died 
But you're still alive 

And I'm here to remind you 
Of the mess you left when you went away 
It's not fair to deny me 
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me 
You, you, you oughta know 

You seem very well, things look peaceful 
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know 
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity 
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner 
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced 
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her 

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able 
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no 
And every time you speak her name 
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me 
Until you died, til you died 
But you're still alive 

And I'm here to remind you 
Of the mess you left when you went away 
It's not fair to deny me 
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me 
You, you, you oughta know 

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me 
And I'm not gonna fade 
As soon as you close your eyes 
and you know it 
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back 
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it 

And I'm here to remind you 
Of the mess you left when you went away 
It's not fair to deny me 
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me 
You, you, you oughta know 


It's My Life by No Doubt

It's funny how I find myself 
In love with you 
If I could buy my reasoning 
I'd pay to lose 
One half won't do 

I've asked myself 
How much do you 
Commit yourself? 

It's my life 
Don't you forget 
It's my life 
It never ends (It never ends...) 

Funny how I blind myself 
I never knew 
If I was sometimes played upon 
Afraid to lose 

Oh, I'd tell myself 
What good do you do 
Convince myself 

Oh, It's my life 
Don't you forget 
Oh, It's my life 
It never ends (It never ends...) 

And I've asked myself 
How much do you 
Commit yourself? 

It's my life 
Don't you forget 
Caught in the crowd 
It never ends (its my life) 

It's my life 
Don't you forget 
Caught in the crowd 
It never ends (It never ends) 
Oh, It's my life... (oh its my life) 
Don't you forget... (don't you forget) 
Caught in the crowd... (caught in the crowd) 
It never ends (it never ends...) 


My Immortal by Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here 
Suppressed by all my childish fears 
And if you have to leave 
I wish that you would just leave 
'Cause your presence still lingers here 
And it won't leave me alone 
These wounds won't seem to heal 
This pain is just too real 
There's just too much that time cannot erase 

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears 
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears 
I held your hand through all of these years 
But you still have 
All of me 

You used to captivate me 
By your resonating light 
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind 
Your face it haunts 
My once pleasant dreams 
Your voice it chased away 
All the sanity in me 
These wounds won't seem to heal 
This pain is just too real 
There's just too much that time cannot erase 


I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone 
But though you're still with me 
I've been alone all along 



Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley

This is our last goodbye 
I hate to feel the love between us die 
But it's over 
Just hear this before I go 
You gave me more to live for 
More than you'll ever know 

This is our last embrace 
Must I dream and always see your face? 
Why can't we overcome this wall? 
Baby, maybe its 'cause you didn't know me at all 

Kiss me, please kiss me 
But kiss me out of desire, babe, not consolation 
Oh, you know it makes me so angry 
'Cause I know that in time, I'll only make you cry 
this is our last goodbye 

Did you say, "No, this can't happen to me" 
Did you rush to the phone to call 
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind 
Saying maybe you didn't know him at all 

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime 
Burning clues into this heart of mine 
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes 
And the memories offer signs that it's over 

Monday, August 23, 2004

sleeping with the enemy

last saturday night, i had the opportunity in being in two parties consecutively. first was my bandmate gay's birthday party in her house where we got to drink Bacardi 151 and vodka and second was my brod sherwin's birthday where our other brods and my two exs, A and M were singing and drinking like hell.

in the course of the whole videoke session, I kinda noticed that one of my brods was being extra sweet to me and it made A uncomfortable. M didn't really care and i didn't want to know if she did 'coz i might just be disappointed if she didn't give a fuck if i was being harassed or not. anyway, my roommate went home already with that brod and our other brod would go home with me when everybody else left since we were late. A didn't want me to stay in the dorm and she talked to M to let me stay with them.

for the record: i love A. i love M. i'm crazy about them. but the idea of staying in the house of my exs isn't exactly heaven for me. it reeks of AWKWARDNESS. to the max. besides, i don't remember having a butch-threesome fantasy. whatever.

they were able to convince me to stay with them in M's house. a kept telling me she loved me and that she feels jealous whenever i'm with some guy. not that i was that easy to persuade. it was something short of a heated argument between M and A, me and A, me and M. it was horrendous. i didn't want to stay in the house where M's new girlfriend slept in before i could. i didn't want to sleep beside A because while she told me she loved me, the conversation with her the night and early morning before that proved to me how hung up she still was with her ex and i hate that. i hate the fact that i'm sleeping beside people who didn't love me. it was sooo uncomfortable. they never really bothered to ask MY opinion on the matter. THEY decided it was best that i didn't go back to the dorm. i mean, i can stay somewhere else, i could very well take care of myself. and with regard to that very touchy brod of ours, i like him. if i have this one-time sexual affair with a married man, it's not because they didn't stop it from happening by letting me sleep in their house. maybe because, i like our brod, the touchy married man and i wanted to do it with him. either way, i would've been better off left alone.

i didn't want to go home either. i haven't been ranting about it much but i hate my roommate's guts. i hate the fact that she bosses me around; that she gives everybody a blow by blow account of what's happening in my life; that she makes decisions about the house without asking me about it considering that i'm also a paying occupant; that she uses my stuff, mostly my books, without permission and before i can actually use them to study. mostly, i hate the fact that her idea of setting me straight is short of pimping me to every single guy who visits the dorm. it's like, i'll ban A here, A can't sleep here anymore but if you bring home a guy i'll gladly step out of the room so you guys can make out. she's something. really.

so who really is the enemy?

Saturday, August 21, 2004

notes from a smelling distance

last night i went to visit my friend, Carlos Palanca awardee for essay, Erwin Romulo. we had this sort of agreement that he'd treat me if he won the Palanca and i'd treat him if i passed the bar. i almost didn't go because it was raining very hard in recto and i was afraid that i'd miss the whole show (The Gweilo's Hour). i arrived a few minutes before the show was over and i noticed that a lot of people were in the NU 107 booth, among them the great Quark Henares. i saw someone filming the show too so i stayed outside and talked to The Dawn guitarist Francis Reyes and Erwin's fiancee, Yvonne and their other friends.

after the show, i got to meet the Time Bomb host (forgot his name again) and the great Quark Henares. he was really nice. i got re-introduced to Jay, the closet straight guy and Gino, the painter. i later got introduced to Jino, the photographer and Cris, the love of Gino's life and A's future employer. i kinda told A to follow just in case i felt out of place. after all, they all knew each other.

we went to St. Jude of Pasig for Erwin, as a sign of thanksgiving for winning the Palanca. throughout the ride we had this long discussion about vaginas and penises. i had the opportunity to have a conversation with both Dyinos and they were all pretty interesting. Gino and I talked about his work and his experiences with models while Jino and I talked about photography and how i moved up a notch in his book because i was a lesbian. he hated the idea of doing something you don't really like and then bitching about it. after we dropped Jay off to his destination, we went to Big Sky Mind. for some weird reason, they kinda didn't like to stay there so we just waited to A and Cris to arrive. i was a bit scared that they might not like the idea of A tagging along or that A wouldn't really like mingling with people she didn't know. we decided to go to Club 77 instead, which was owned by Tins, a friend of ours in law school. apparently, cool rock people go there.

when we arrived there, it was like one big Friendster network: i saw Ace, my best friend in high school who was Honey's boyfriend, who was Jino and Erwin's friend in college. we saw Gay, our drummer, who had the same first name as A. Gay's dad is a lawyer/activist while Erwin's dad is a secretary of a department in the government. Gay and Ace both hang out in 77 a lot. Gino told me that he'd add me in Friendster and that he'd just look for A/her male name in my network.

we didn't really get to drink much 'coz Cris had to leave to go to another party but we had really interesting conversations. we talked about sex, music, models, love, reality shows, books. i actually thought either A or I would feel out of place but these were really nice, smart, down-to-earth people, much like Erwin when i first met him. walang ere. they were genuinely nice to me and A. these people are actually very interesting, unlike some people i know who manage to bore other people to death just by their mere presence. it was such a relief to be away from people who bug me about the bar exams or my ex. Gay is a cool drummer who does fencing so she wouldn't exactly piss me off about it. A is my ex, my friend and we have a great non-relationship going on between us. i had fun. i especially liked it when Gino talked about how his model had really bad odor from a smelling distance or how Jino taught me the sound of falling pubic hair (pwe!pwe!pwe!) , among other things too funny or kinky to mention.

i look forward to seeing and interacting with these people again. i was thinking of posing nude for either of the two Dyinos only it might be cause for disbarment if ever i become a lawyer even if it's done, in Gino's words, "for art's sake." i really had a great time with them. i now have renewed confidence considering that Francis and Erwin think that i have the makings of a great lawyer. i even have clients already :)

oh well, till we smell again.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

cuteness as cure for self-pity

i was feeling so low today. i thought the rose would change it but when i started reading my notes again, i felt really sad and low and stupid. i remember a certain Daria episode where she said, "I don't have low self-esteem. I have low esteem for everyone else." i've always felt that way about people, i never really cared about what other people thought of me. while i was studying, all of a sudden, it fucking mattered.

i kept crying and i really needed somebody to talk to. i tried to talk to my ex, A, but she was in a hurry to meet her other ex. we had this discussion about how we wouldn't try to rekindle our relationship because i was taking the bar, she still loved her ex and i still loved mine. it wasn't just that. i wasn't feeling bad because nobody seemed to love me back. i felt bad because everyone i needed to talk to were simply busy with something else. i felt bad because i felt like i haven't learned anything. i felt bad because for some weird reason, the people i helped weren't exactly there for me when i needed them. you know, the whole self-pity session thing. i felt more bad because she left me anyway to be with her ex, never mind if i wasn't pacified yet, never mind if i needed somebody to talk to.


i saw my crush. he was also supposed to be my bar buddy. we talked. he was sooo cute. not that he didn't have any substance. he did. he listened to me whine and that felt really good to be able to let it all out. it helped that he was sooo cute and smelled good. it helped that he hugged me and tried his best to cheer me up. it was very relieving to talk to this really cute guy and he was telling you that he believed in your capacity to do great things. it was relieving to finally see him and hug him and kiss him on the cheek PERIOD.

i feel better now :)

my immortal me

last night i asked my friend, ate lolit to drink two bottles of beer with me at the glorietta de manila. i was hoping to make pa-cute to my crush who was drinking there with his friends. it just so happened that every wednesday and friday, they have acoustic night there and the guy playing was someone i had jammed before (i've never been too good with names but i remember faces - It's A Shame About Ray, The Lemonheads). he actually mouthed the words, "kakanta ka?" while he was playing the guitar. even the women working at glorietta wanted me to sing. it was so nice. PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE HEARING MY VOICE.

i told lolit i'd jam with the guitarist (i'm really sorry sweetie, i forgot your name. that sweet wonderful man who played
Coldplay's The Scientist for me) after i finish my first bottle. i was really hoping my crush would notice. HE DIDN'T. after the song, a tall, thin young man with really nice dimples walked up to me and shook my hand and told me that i sang great (i believe he said great) and then he walked away. i went back to our table where lolit asked if my crush noticed. she tried to make me feel better by telling me that my crush probably went home to fantasize about me and jerk off.

a few moments later, the young man walks up to our table and asks me if i'm a barrister. it turns out that one of his brods recognized me from the review. he got my name and told me that he will give me notes from his fraternity. he was hoping i'd sing another
Evanescence song, Bring Me To Life. he even went as far as requesting that other sweet young man who let me jam with him so that they could hear my voice again. after singing they invited me and lolit to their table. there i met the wonderful men of THE LEX CERVUS FRATERNITY of San Sebastian-Recoletos Manila: ZPHIKE (yes, that's how he spelled his name in his jacket), the tall young man with really nice dimples (my bite is stronger than my bark, we all have to live up to something, sweetie); ROJ, the barrister who recognized me from review class while i was recording lectures for my friend Eugene; CHRIS, who respects gay people but who couldn't believe i was bisexual (i'm sorry sweetie, i owe it to nice people like you to be as honest and as frank as i could possibly be, short of being self-absorbed and shocking your moral sensitivities); JAKE who listened to NU107 but has yet to date AiA of IMAGO; ULY and DON. these wonderful men treated me and lolit to beer and calamares. they even told me that i'd get notes and a dozen white roses today. hmmn . . .

i don't receive too many compliments and it's not everyday total strangers would offer me a beer, pulutan and notes, not to mention give you a rose from Designer Blooms. it's nice. flattering and embarrassing at the same time. they even called me, "my immortal one". wow. that's something.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

some bad day i'm having

i asked myself why did i run away. i guess maybe i was having a bad day. - Juliana Hatfield
i could tell from the minute i woke up, it's gonna be a lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely day - Phantom Planet
Green light, Seven Eleven You stop in for a pack of cigarettes You don't smoke, don't even want to Hey now, check your change Dressed up like a car crash Your wheels are turning but you're upside down You say when he hits you, you don't mind Because when he hurts you, you feel alive Hey babe, is that what it is - U2

I've been down and I'm wondering why these little black cloudskeep walking around with me, with me - Stereophonics

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour But heaven knows I'm miserable now - The Smiths

It's not what you thought when you first began it. You got what you want now you can hardly stand it though by now you know. it's not going to stop, it's not going to stop, it's not going to stop 'Til you wise up.  - Aimee Mann

You say you want your love to work out right To last with me through the night You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold Your story to remain untold Your love not to grow cold All the promises we break From the cradle to the grave When all I want is you - U2

you're on your own now we won't save you your rescue-squad is too exhausted and if you complain once more you'll meet an army of me - Bjork

hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell. hold on, hold on to yourself, you know that only time will tell - Sarah McLachlan

You've got to get yourself together You've got stuck in a moment And now you can't get out of it Don't say that later will be better Now you're stuck in a moment And you can't get out of it -U2

Haven't had a dream in a long time See, the life I've had Can make a good man bad - The Smiths

Monday, August 16, 2004

tired of hanging in there

People and things that will only hurt you and make you sad shouldn't take too much of your time and too much space in your brain.

ANCHOR by boldstar

I don't wanna play with you
coz you know all the rules
and you break them all
causing me to fall

in love again with you
and i don't have a clue
why you changed your mind
leaving me behind

don't blame me if i'm unkind

i just don't get why you still
hang around with me
when it's over
ok, i wanted to but
all i want is you
to be closer
you want me, but not that way
and that's why i stay away...

You sit by me all the time
yourself pressed close to mine
and it means nothing
but it's everything

found in your face your smile
which only lasts awhile
then i count the days
until we part ways
so maybe...

it's just a shame you don't feel
what i'm feeling too
coz it's over
well don't expect me
just to change along with you
it doesn't work that way
you want me but not today
and that's why i stay away

So maybe...

i just don't get why you still hang around with me
when it's over
ok, i wanted to
but all i want is you to be closer
you want me, but not that way
and that's why i stay away...


“. . . and if you blame me for going crazy, that’s how you made me . . .”
Beautiful Ones, Suede

i’ve known link since we were in high school. he was a very nice guy (still is), he was very responsible, and smart, and fairly attractive, not to mention very patient. i used to throw all my stuff in class when we were younger and he accidentally caught the wire of my spiral notebook with his left eye. didn’t really damage his pretty face and we’re still friends. i’d just like to state for the record that i don’t love him anymore. i used to, for about five years (maybe more, i lost count). i was kinda hoping he would feel the same way i did, but it didn’t happen. i wanted to bring him home to mommy. but then my mommy died then i moved on and met other people. he moved on and met other people. i fell in love with my ex-girlfriend and i just considered link as the guy i’d run to for guidance whenever superman was an asshole.

i first learned that i was capable of teasing guys because of link. he was my first victim. link taught me that it was possible for people who did not love each other to make out and have sex. that was my awakening. i learned that people can do it just for the heck of it. unconsciously maybe i was getting back at him for all those years that i waited for him to fall in love with me that didn’t happen so that when there was an opportunity for us to have sex, it didn’t happen. everything happened, except that. hence, miss great expectations was born.

i don’t blame link for making me cold or unfeeling. i chose to be cold and unfeeling. he made me strong, he made me not expect too much from men. all men are dogs, after all, and teasing them is just one way of taming them. you give them a bone, they want to eat your arm too. so you give them everything but the bone. does that make sense? what the hell am i saying?

i love link. i have high respect for him. he is still hot and smart and attractive and i care for him deeply. but what i feel is no longer the “I want to marry you” kind of love, more like, “you’re a great friend I’ll cherish all my life” kind of love. i also call him up occasionally to do that thing we normally do when we’re together that nobody else knows we’re doing when we’re together. it’s a great relationship. of course i’d back off once he has a girlfriend already and he’ll back off once i have a new partner. the unspoken, unwritten rule of fuck buddies. that’s the way it is. nobody expects too much, nobody gets hurt. that’s life. you may ask, “why not link and i just be together now since we’re both not seeing anyone?”. uh, bad idea. i mean, if it’ll happen, you know, the “love thing”, it will. i don’t expect anything more from this set-up. i don’t want to subject myself to that feeling again that no matter how smart, sweet, sexy (alliteration, baby!), or sensitive i am, or could be, or try to be, it’ll never be good enough. that’s what link made me feel at the onset, until i learned to live with it, that i’m not good enough, that i’m just the girl you go to when you wanna get laid. and i don’t even have sex with just anybody who comes along. i don’t want to wait in vain for some guy to acknowledge my existence because that thought only aggravates further my already low self-esteem. i love our relationship the way it is now. besides, if we were together, for the sake of the argument, we would only be cheating on each other, and we won’t have sex anymore :)

N. B. when i wrote this, link and i were still texting each other. now he doesn't respond to my messages anymore. he's either busy or mad at me. i miss that guy. i mean that. and i'm not even thinking about sex.

Of life and law

As the bar exams are coming up and it’ll be only a few more days before they annihilate our souls and make us feel like complete idiots despite studying for four years or more. I thought I’d assess what I know and blab about it. I mean, I hate math but for some weird reason I get by and solve the simple mathematical problems we encounter everyday by thinking in terms of money, or food (think pizza for fraction).

I resolve to humbly stating what little I know of R.P. law by applying them to everyday life. It would be easier for me to remember them and understand, don’t you think?

Res ipsa loquitur – Latin for “the thing speaks for itself”. Applied mostly in quasi-delict cases. It means that an event would not normally occur had it not been for the negligence of one or more persons. A common example would be the gasoline station that burned down, destroying the property in its surrounding areas. A gasoline station wouldn’t exactly burn down on its own had it not been for some stupid ass who was smoking within 50 feet of its perimeter, right? Thus, it is the negligence of that smoking stupid ass that caused the fire and therefore, that stupid ass should be liable for the damage caused. In common parlance, you can use res ipsa loquitur to describe yourself. Example: I’m a bitch. Res ipsa loquitur.

De jure – connotes a valid right or title, whether it be a partnership, a corporation or a form of government. In terms of relationships, if you and your partner formally decided to enter into a relationship, you are considered to have a de jure relationship.

De facto – of course, the opposite of de jure. It exists with a valid color of title but not the actual title itself. In terms of relationships, if you’re both chicken and would not like to formally admit to other people or to each other about your “relationship” but you and your “partner” do what people in a relationship would normally do, you have a de facto relationship.

Doctrine of the innocent bystander – this is, if I remember right, applied in labor law. The employer cannot interfere with the employees in their decision to choose their bargaining agent. He is a mere bystander. In terms of people or relationships, he/she is the one who is merely there but wouldn’t exactly like to participate in the festivities, whether it’s a cat fight or confrontation. He/she refuses to engage in any activity, in short, he/she is a spectator, not an active participant.

Estoppel – my favorite. This is best explained by the maxim, “one should speak when he ought to speak and should remain silent when he ought not to speak”. If a guy tells you openly that he’s married but you go out with him anyway and his wife catches the two of you in a very compromising position and you are sued by the wife for concubinage, you cannot later on deny having known that the guy was married. Nope, you can’t use stupidity as a defense. Or if your girlfriend knows you cheated on her, but she forgives you and takes you back anyway, she can’t later on break up with you because according to her, she hasn’t really forgiven you for being such a cheating slut (hmmn . . . sounds oddly familiar)

Adultery and Concubinage – in R.P. law, there’s actually a difference between the two, people. Adultery is committed by the woman, and the guy who has sex with her who is not her husband is called her paramour. A woman can be sued and penalized for every act of adultery (the sexual act) committed by her against her husband. Concubinage is committed by the man and he may only be sued by his poor wife under the following circumstances: a) if he brings the concubine to the family home; b) if he and his concubine do it in really scandalous circumstance (like they have to do it in public); or if the asshole cohabits with her in some other place. So if your husband doesn’t do his other women under the aforementioned circumstance, you can’t sue him and he goes scot-free.

Pro hac vice – “for this occasion only”. Used mostly by the Supreme Court when they want to abandon all logic as well as rulings they earlier made. It’s their way of saying, “you did something bad. Normally we punish people but we’ll let you go this time because there’s something about your case that’s different.” In ordinary lawless life, you can tell your fling that he/she is pro hac vice and he/she wouldn’t even know you’re just using him/her in your spare time.

Sui generis – “a class by itself”. The legal profession in the R. P. is a class by itself and when one lawyer messes up real bad, the proceedings are also sui generis because the case is tried unlike any other civil, criminal or administrative case. I’m unique. I’m sui generis in the sense that I haven’t exactly found anyone as neurotic as I am. I am a class by myself.

I’m tired. That’s all for now. Lawyers and law students from the R. P. or elsewhere may send their comments, suggestions and violent reactions to me :)

Sunday, August 15, 2004

27 on 27

in exactly 12 days, i will turn a year older. i'm not really thrilled considering that as i get older i just get more and more gloomier and more and more angry. i can't really celebrate 'coz the bar exams is fast approaching, it's closer than i think and i still feel stupid.

anyway, i do have wishes. every year i wish for something good on my birthday, to make me less angry and less sullen. while material things don't exactly tickle my fancy, it's some of these gadgets that help me get by my otherwise pathetic existence.

bels' birthday wishlist:

1. to top the bar 
2. to pass the bar 
3. as the music plays cd by Bamboo
4. the virgin suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides
5. songs about jane cd by Maroon5
6. The New Guy vcd
7. Dead Poets Society vcd
8. a rush of blood to the head by Coldplay
9. A Walk in the Clouds vcd
10. The L Word seasons 1 and 2 vcd or dvd
11. the new album by Sarah McLachlan
12. the new album byAlanis Morissette
13. a steady relationship after the bar exams 

Friday, August 13, 2004

awww, isn't that sweet?

Friday the 13th is supposed to be a bad day. i was tired the night before, my roommate has a penchant for being a loud mouth, and our ex-roommate just had to wake us up and ask who won the Law Student Government elections which i helped my ex-girlfriend with and my ex-gf, A (who slept over the past week) wasn't exactly sweet or nice or something (my money's on the "something"). Friday the 13th wasn't supposed to be good. then my good friend from my old law school texted me and told me that my good friend Erwin Romulo dedicated his Morissey column for me. isn't that sweet?

i barely get to listen to their program every Friday and i don't even know what's going on in the world anymore (uh, embarrassing as it may seem, i only read the entertainment and feature sections. gaaad, a law student who doesn't read current events! i should be shot! i got by debating without it, why start now?) and i don't get to go out much. i don't even get to talk to Erwin anymore. but the fact that he greets me in his column is really sweet and nice and it gives me so much strength and hope to study some more.

who said Friday the 13th was unlucky?

no shelter here

i hate people. they wouldn't help me. i'm a fucking barrister and instead of asking me if they can help me with anything, they ask me if I can help them. wonderful. ASK NOT WHAT YOUR BARRISTER CAN DO FOR YOU BUT RATHER, ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR BARRISTER.

when i was still in law school, like studying and not yet reviewing for the bar, i tried as much as i can to help out those who were. i wasn't really expecting anything in return, i was just happy i could help out. it's all about accumulating good karma. i always believed that if you were nice to people long enough, they'd eventually come around. and this is coming from a person who doesn't exactly care about what other people think. i mean, to a fellow human being (even if they don't look like homo sapiens), wouldn't you do the same thing? the bar exams, preparing for it, is difficult enough as it is. why would you aggravate the situation by giving these people more problems?!

which is exactly the point i'm trying desperately to drive home now: I'M STUDYING FOR THE FUCKING BAR. IT'S HARD TO STUDY AGAIN IN A MATTER OF MONTHS WHAT YOU'VE TOILED FOR IN FOUR (in my case, SIX) YEARS. IF THESE PEOPLE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING GOOD TO SAY, THEY MIGHT AS WELL SHUT UP. IF THESE PEOPLE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO OFFER, THEY SHOULD GET LOST. what barristers like me need right now are prayers, support. we're sensitive and uneasy and very much pissed at the slightest provocation. we don't need people who will make fun of us for being bitter because our exs found someone new; we don't need people making fun of our weight; we don't need people borrowing notes from us that we actually need; we don't need people promising to help us but are out of sight the moment we need them; we don't need people bugging us with trivial things like boyfriends, girlfriends, Claudine Barreto's latest movie or the Sexbomb Dancers' latest single; we don't need people mocking us for what we know and don't know because the Lord knows we're already having a hard time sinking all that fucking info into our heads already.

i may be the nanay ng bayan but i also have my own problems, my own life to live. if these people can't get that, then to hell with them.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

sick as hell

i don't like being sick. never have. when i was younger, they thought i wouldn't live. my folks prayed so hard to God i'd survive whatever it was that kept me in the hospital for weeks. i'd be in and out of the hospital for this and that. who would've thought i'd grow up to be such a bitch?

anyway, as i grew older, like elementary school older, my hospital attendance became every other year. i had pneumonia, then H fever, then a bunch of other sicknesses then it was limited to the colds, cough and flu.

i've been sleeping late these past few days, due to drinking and reading and thinking of people who couldn't care less if i exist. same BH story. hence, the coughing and sniffing and pangs of an aching head. i feel like shit. and the bar is getting nearer and nearer. AAARGHH!!!!!

but then, i've always been sick, in the head, at least. oh well. i guess there's no cure for that :)

Saturday, August 07, 2004

jamming with a layo-genic guitarist

baywalk. my housemate, kuya mon and my ex (the one before last) weren't exactly content with 2 cans of beer each so we decided to go to aforementioned place. there they checked out the girls while i tried to check out both the guys and girls. there were several spots that had people performing and we came to the spot that played love songs. i kinda thought that the guitarist was cute too so we stayed there and i tried to make pa-cute. my ex kinda noticed that i was staring at the guitarist so she commented that those were the type of guys i liked, kinda like my ex, her best friend, and my crush: tall, thin, plays guitar and sings well (because while she's cute and sings well, she's not tall, and she can't play the guitar that well). i retorted, "you're not jealous, are you? you're not the jealous type. besides, i'm not your girlfriend. you still love your ex and i still love mine."

in the middle of the performance the three-piece acoustic band askedthe audience if they wanted to jam with them. there was this group of people who kept pointing to one of their companions to make him/her sing. it wouldn't come up the stage so i kept standing up and degraded myself further by making pa-cute some more until they noticed me. they called me up the stage and i thought that this was finally my chance to get to know the guitarist and ask for his number. i mounted the stage through the back so i couldn't see his face and the whole time i was talking to their percussionist/vocalist. i sang Carlos Santana featuring Michelle Branch's the game of love. still couldn't see his face. after the song i went back to our table. when the show was over, i went up to them and introduced myself. i got their names except for the "cute" guitarist who was then fixing and wrapping up his guitar. his name is joey. the percussionist, somebody, told me to come back tuesday to jam with them again. i went over to "joey" and found him,uh, not so cute after all.

i went back to our table, we left the place and went to some girlie bar in timog and you know what? i wasn't disappointed about not getting his number.

my first girlie bar encounter

this morning, my housemate and my ex-girlfriend (the one before the last) and i went to this bar in timog where you just watch girls gyrate, cavort or simply pose scantily-clothed in front of you to some really really cheesy radio tune (mostly by michael learns to rock, the backstreet boys or renz verano or any of those cheerleader pop ditties from the sexbomb girls or the maskulados. eeew!) while you're drinking a glass of san mig light.

i have never liked porn or anything close to it. i know these girls have to earn a living even if it means starving yourself to maintain a good figure and wearing really bad stiletto heels to give that really hot kinky effect for the guys. i didn't come there to judge people; if anything, i wanted to know what it felt like to watch and at the same time i tried to empathize (those heels will give you major varicose veins, i tell you, not to mention, a bad lung problem. you can't expose your body parts like that and not catch a cold or something, and that was early in the morning, like 3am or so and you need major vitamin C supplies to keep you from getting sick.) with these really pretty young things.

they told me that most men make steamy hot love to their wives or girlfriends after watching shows like these. i don't know why. i got in touch with my butch side and tried to check out if there was anyone i'd like to invite for a "meaningful conversation" in our table. i couldn't. something told me that i wasn't cut out for that kind of shit. i don't have balls to do that. the feminist took over.

Friday, August 06, 2004

the strawberry daiquiri incident

a year ago today, my then girlfriend had a dental appointment. it was our month-sary. she ended up spending the whole day with the dentist and i spent the whole day with my other ex-girlfriend who was recuperating from her breakup with her girlfriend (the one who replaced me). i tried my best to amuse myself while i was trying to make my ex feel better. i tried my best not to be jealous. who wouldn't be? my then girlfriend arrived with two bottles of strawberry daiquiri. one was wrapped in a paper bag with a ribbon on it and one was placed in 7-11 plastic. guess which one was mine?

the one in the 7-11 plastic.

the only thing that made her gift to me different from the gift she gave to her then dentist (now girlfriend) was that I'M HER GIRLFRIEND so i have chocolates. wonderful.

since then, i haven't really taken any strawberry daiquiri for my consumption, except maybe the one i drank while watching the NU107 lounge concert with my good friend Chris. that ex-girlfriend of mine stayed with her (ohmigod, they're living together!) because they're best friends. oh, and we're close again, that ex-girlfriend, i mean. my then girlfriend broke up with me months later; she and her dentist are a thing now. the rest, they say, is shit.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

clone i am not

i write the way i speak. i'm a very bitchy person and naturally, very harsh words come out of my relatively small mouth. it comes with the package.

a lot of people have told me that i write twisted-esque. twisted being the patent of great writer Jessice Zafra. while i am flattered by the comparison, i am not in any way trying to become her protegee or clone. in other words, i'm not a Jessica Zafra wannabe. i just happen to be really really angry and if there is the slightest resemblance of her style in my writing, the same is not intended. besides, i have to live with so much pressure: my dad makes me live out his dreams for him; my mom died before i could actually "grow up" and she didn't see me achieve whatever little i have accomplished; i am attracted to guys who don't even acknowledge my existence; i am only attractive to lesbians; i'm taking the fucking bar exams this September and i don't even know ANYTHING. Jessica Zafra, she gets to be on tv, radio, print media. she writes well, she's brilliant. the only mean thing i think that she's had to live with is the fact her parents waited too long for her to arrive that when she was finally born, they actually thought she wasn't human (i got this info from one of her books). other than that, what's her excuse?

i had a dream when i was younger. i said that these people can think less of me all they want but their kids will be reading my shit :)

laying my head back down . . .


i barely get to go out and watch movies. when i do get to go out, it's just drinking with my lovable friends or my fraternity brothers and sorority sisters. i want so much to watch movies but i rarely have the time, the bar exams being barely a month from now and i'm kinda short on cash right now, actually.

anyway, this morning i got to watch
A Walk To Remember on cable and it was really nice. i didn't get to watch it when it was shown here before because we were so busy rehearsing with the band for one of our fundraising concerts. i got to sing Only Hope. anyway, the movie was very nice. it helped me cry and feel more sorry about myself that i am unattached. the songs featured in the soundtrack were good even if meant that listening to Mandy Moore would give me gas.

the song is kinda memorable to me because three different people were involved with me at the time and they all thought that the song was for them. (i am such a slut!!!) i somehow thought that i'd end up with one of them although at the time i couldn't really figure out which one.

the movie talked about Jamie Sullivan's wish list (there's actually a book. see? told you some of the best movies come from books, otherwise, they wouldn't bother making movies out of them. which reminds me, i have to come up with me own birthday wish list hmmn . . .), the first being to get married in the church where her mother got married. unlike Jamie, and majority of the female population, i didn't have kiddie dreams of getting married, of picking out wedding gowns, flowers although i get flashes when i attend other people's weddings. but the movie really made me cry. maybe because i'm still bitter (you tell people you're not bitter, they'll still think you are. you admit to being bitter and they think it's their obligation to pity you. sometimes, people, i think, should just get a life. theirs are so mundane that they need yours to put spice to their sorid existence), or maybe because, i don't have a mom anymore, maybe because i don't have that good a relationship with my dad, or maybe because SHANE WEST IS SOOO HOT and he's kissing Mandy Moore NOT ME.