Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Stealing Marc Abaya’s Thunder

It was a tiring long walk from Camp White to the Baywalk Area where the alternative concerts were held. I dragged Beth’s butt away because we wouldn’t exactly see some action with anyone in the gay area. It was a very long walk but I walked it, alongside Beth, of course. She couldn’t exactly walk behind me for fear of being mistaken as my “yaya”. We could already hear Kitchie Nadal howling which was a sign that the alternative bands weren’t too far away anymore. It’s too bad we couldn’t see the band from where we were standing. Not only was Kitchie hot, but she had an even hotter bassist. We arrived in the Raja Sulayman fountain area just as Session Road was setting up. Had to check if the housemates were still at Shakey’s where I sampled their leftover pizza. Saw Jeffrey Hidalgo with his posse on the way in. He looks better in person; TV appearances don’t give the guy justice.

After saying goodbye to my housemates, Beth and I went out to see Session Road perform. I kept on telling Beth how good the band was when I saw them perform at Xaymaca. I really like their original stuff. We had to look for an okay spot; we were so tired of standing up. We finally did find a spot, next to the jolog rockers just as the Itchyworms were starting their set. I enjoyed their set. Beth was enjoying herself although she kept on texting the boyfriend, trying to make him envious of all the bands we were watching play that night. She was telling me how she absolutely adores bassists and how hot she gets whenever she watches the boyfriend play with his bass guitar. “Makes me want to jump on him right then and there”, were her words. Too much info, sweetie. Sugarfree performed next and while I wasn’t really familiar with some of the new songs that they played, I looked forward to their new album. I didn’t hear Unang Araw and Telepono, but Mariposa kicks ass talaga.

After Sugarfree performed and the next band, Sandwich, was doing sound check, I kinda hinted to Beth that since this was a Studio23 shindig, Marc Abaya wasn’t gonna show up, Marc being an MTV VJ. But when the guy said”Check!” I knew it was him. It was Marc!!! The stupid guy VJ whom we couldn’t really see kept on talking about Sandwich in reference to their new single, Two Trick Pony. It was as if it was the only Sandwich song he knew because the man kept on displaying his ignorance. They started their set with my all-time favorite Butterfly Carnival, from the first album Grip, Stand, Throw. Jeez, these jolog rockers talaga, after all these years and after all the frigging mosh-pitting and they still can’t get the fucking lyrics right. Beth wasn’t too familiar with the Sandwich songs anymore so I had to “voice over” every time a new song was done. They played Right Now, from their indie album Thanks to the Moon’s Gravitational Pull. It was during this song that something peculiar happened: a guy wearing nothing but his white underwear and a left shoe (? this is according to Beth, ‘coz I couldn’t really see anymore) stood in the middle of the remaining road open (they had to close the south bound road to make way for the audience), raising his hands and dancing to the tune of Sandwich until nobody was paying attention to the band anymore. Scene-stealer. Hmp. For a while, the mosh pit cleared because everybody was surrounding this guy, and traffic was already bad enough as it is. He went on until Nahuhulog was playing and then he was covered by so many people we didn’t see him anymore. Sandwich ended their set with, yes, now you can say it, you stupid VJ, Two Trick Pony. I sooo love Marc Abaya!!!

The main event was Kapatid, led by Karl Roy. I wonder if he’s still dating Mariel. Anyway, their set was good too. I asked Beth to walk with me as we were listening to Karl because I didn’t want to get mobbed as soon as everybody left. They did Ang Himig Natin and, to my surprise, an old P.O.T. song, Fishcake, before ending the whole event with Pagbabalik ng Kuwago.

It was a good thing God let the rains pour only after the show ended. I didn’t want to get wet again. at least, not that way anyway :)

4V reunite

June 26, 2004

The weather kinda indicated that things wouldn’t exactly go well but we pushed through with it anyway: after sooo many years and sooo many gimmicks, Patrick Joseph Santos decided to come down and join the earthlings for a while. When I say earthlings, I mean, Chris, Beth and of course, moi. This was our first gimmick together after all those years. There was bound to be a lot of milestones. All of them left undocumented, damnit. Patrick showing up. Bels all made up and slutty. Beth without her boyfriend. Chris dancing.

We met at Camp White. Well, actually, Beth and Chris met up at Mcdo Araneta, where they were supposed to wait for me. Unfortunately, my roommates had other plans and made me up. They picked me up at Legarda where suspicious looking people were behind me. I was terribly late and as a consequence I was gonna pay for cab fare. I, who did not have money. But I was so scared of getting picked up, either by really perverted strangers or by the cops for allegedly soliciting. We met Patrick at Camp White. I didn’t know until late that Camp White was gay territory, specifically, gay men. I WASN'T GONNA GET LAID AGAIN, I KNEW IT. I have never seen sooo many gay men in my entire life. They were all flooding the dance floor. Camp White was for fags and their hags, or if lucky, their dates.

We ordered beer and as usual, Patrick wouldn’t offer to pay the first round of beers. And he looked so masculine, or at least trying to appear masculine. To think he was such a slut when I graduated. Immediately you could see the 4V divide. Beth was talking to Patrick, I was talking to Chris. You could also tell that Beth was still so much in love with Patrick and his butch image aroused her to new heights. Then arrived Erwin, Patrick’s ex and Jay, Erwin’s friend whom according to Chris was Erwin’s new lover. The plot thickens. (N. B. this is why I don’t or haven’t written anything about my lovely friends. I can’t stop laughing. No, seriously, I love my friends. Everything is just sooo telenovela, that’s all. Particularly this episode.) Chris told me that Patrick was still a virgin, according to Patrick, of course. So I had to ask. And I had to whisper. And I just had to hit the beer bottle by accident spilling SanMig Light on Erwin. That was the first time I got a gay guy wet, literally. There’s always a first time for everything.

We went to the very crowded dance floor. It was full of gay men and while the idea of gay men rubbing themselves against each other fascinated and excited me a little, I couldn't breathe. besides, walang career dito. I told Chris we'd just meet him after the show or whatever.
I love gay men. My closest friends are gay. But a gay man and a bisexual don't mix so off to the gig site Beth and I went.

We learned later that Patrick ran off and left Chris in the sea of gay men alone.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Angry Girl Journal Entry 12.07.02

When I was younger, everybody took me seriously. Well, everyone who bothered to pay attention to me took me seriously that nobody noticed how beautiful I can be.

Now everybody, almost everybody thinks I’m pretty that nobody seems to take me seriously anymore, nobody bothers to see how deep and intellectual I can be.

Well, being beautiful has its price.

Guess you can’t have your cake and eat it too.


I have so much faith in people. People have disappointed me so many times and yet I still trust people, sometimes to the detriment of my life.

When I enter into a discussion about life I am not surprised that I tend to shock people. I don’t exactly expect them to have the same views that I have, why should we? That’s what individual differences are for, diversity of opinion. When I talk about sex, I take it educationally. When I talk about men, I mean to diss but I express hope. When I talk about homosexual relationships, I don’t talk about permanence, I talk about respect. I respect other people’s opinion much as I want to be respected for what I believe in. I keep a good idea about other people in my head as much as I want to be remembered in a good way.

I’m not the most perfect person in the planet. I have flaws. I’d like to think that sometimes, it’s the person’s imperfections that endear him to people. I just hope that’s what people think whenever they think of me.

But then again, I put too much faith in people and they have always disappointed me.

So much for man being inherently good. How about inherently evil?

I’m just glad that I have friends that think I’m good enough, people who think I’m smart and sensual at the same time; people who know my flaws and live with them. I know I can be a pain at times.


never knew that boredom could be so tiring

photos don't necessarily reveal a person's true feelings. one could be smiling from ear to ear but then that person could be pissed or miserable as hell. the eyes give you away.

notice from these pictures how happy or excited i am, apparently. but then, i was bored as hell. you can tell by the number of cigarettes i'm smoking how pissed or bored or elated i am.

i didn't wanna go really. but jing, my roommate insisted. i could've just read my notes, my law books or drank my novellino. it was my red wine anyway, if i sucked the bottle dry, it was mine. i also wasn't financially beautiful. i'm not too crazy about this Divo guy (you're not Marc Abaya, you James Ingram wannabe!!!) or MYMP to actually withdraw money for a gimmick like this. besides, he who invites must pay. i don't really drag people's butts with me to go places unless i know i can take care of them. jing obviously did not know this. mel, dhancy and i couldn't really order more than we would've liked because of financialy incapacity.

yeah, i'm smiling. but it took a while before i became animated. and i had this "surprise date". he was nice. but we were both touchy feely that they actually thought we were hitting it off already. or that we kissed. NAH. i was on my best behavior last night. and i did try to enjoy. but i was so fucking bored. he did say he was gonna set me up with his officemates. yeah, but he was doing most of the touching.

when we got home i had this really bad headache. i could've finished civil procedure already, or just went to Mayric's or gotten laid. anything else but not as boring as that. we were so tired just sitting there.

smiles don't really mean one had a good time.


1. Faith is the ability to not panic.

2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.

3. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling
home every day.

4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be
bent out of shape.

5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be
still.God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.

6. Do the math. Count your blessings.

7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.

9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never

10. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.

11. The most important things in your home are the

12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.

13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always

14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

16. We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves

too fast, so enjoy your precious moments.

17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it,
otherwise it's just hearsay.

18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now
and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.

19. Surviving and living your life successfully
requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking
require courage and risk-taking. Learn from the turtle --
it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

20. Be more concerned with your character than your
reputation. Your character is what you really are while your
reputation is merely what others think you are.


humongous shadow
seized me black
a cry refused to escape
my blood raged at the touch
of his body against mine
but I could not struggle
he squeezed hard
I gasped
he squeezed harder
I never saw his face
he who robbed my innocence
the abductor already feasted
on my cold helpless body

Angry Girl Journal Entry 03.14.03

The results of the 2002 Bar Examinations and a very humiliating assessment of UE’s performance posted on the internet has got me and a great number of people talking, thinking and working together in order to put UE back on the map. On its good side, of course.

I am probably the only transferee who loves UE more than I love the school that kicked me out. I mean, it’s expected from transferees to feel a bit of resentment against San Beda or UP or Ateneo or UST but somehow, they still feel they belong there. No school spirit. A lot of it, I think, stems from the fact that UE is so org-based that they think the only reason they can assure themselves support, moral, financial, or otherwise, is if they work together, as a basic unit and not as a whole UE community.

Like I always say, when people from UE pass the bar, or God help us, even top the bar, the newspapers will not indicate John Doe, member of this or that fraternity or Jane Dela Cruz, transferee from this or that school. Rather, it will say, paquita motivo, UE Law.

Come on, the school administration may not love and support the UE Barristers, but we should shove it in their face that we love the school.

“The next time you feel like CHATTING OR MAKING UNNECESSARY NOISE IN THE LIBRARY, take a good look at the results of the recent bar examinations, IT WILL SHUT YOU UP. The LIBRARY IS A PLACE FOR STUDYING. Let us all keep it that way”
I plan to have this announcement posted on the bulletin board next to the article posted “Why UE Failed the Bar”.

I hate the way the UE people don’t take their studies seriously, the way they don’t take their classmates seriously enough to respect them. No wonder other schools don’t take UE, with emphasis on DON’T. They, I repeat, do not take US, UE Law students seriously, because we don’t take US seriously.

N.B. i'm gonna take the bar this September and i still feel this way

Sunday, June 20, 2004

wanted: straight male best friend

i’d like to think, think being the operative word, that i have lots of friends. i actually do, mostly girls and gays who have known me through the years. i also have some straight male friends, actually. what bothers me though, is the fact that while i consider them special, i might not be as special to them as they are to me, unlike my female and gay friends. they’re really great guys but i don’t think they even know when my birthday is (it’s in August, Jules, Jose). i want someone who will take me on anything, someone i could call or text in the middle of the night because i’m scared shitless of something or someone or just basically sick of studying, someone i could discuss the meaning of life with, not necessarily husband material, just someone who’d talk to me and give me advice the moment i do look for a husband (like i said, like it’ll ever happen) and who’d give me away just in case i do get married and my dad’s gone (whichever comes first). i do have a “no-touch” policy with my male friends ‘coz i could be a very sensual person and i think it was the great janeane garofalo who said in the movie “Reality Bites” that “sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship”. so i don’t touch them, even if the circumstances call for spontaneous combustion. but i do have an “unless” clause :)


· must be able to handle my neurosis

· should be tall (so he can make fun of my height), smart (‘coz i do want to discuss the economy. that or the dumb new show on cable), handsome (nothing wrong with fairly attractive, not looking for drop dead gorgeous, just okay looking so that when some guy bugs me, he can pretend to be my boyfriend), nice (to complement my bitchness), sensitive (will hug me or offer his shoulder when i just got dumped by my partner) and funny (not the slapstick kind of funny)

· knows how to play the guitar (because i’m a lousy guitar player)

· must be musically inclined (not necessarily listens to rock too, but is preferred, so he can drive me home after i watch late night gigs)

· must know basic martial arts (‘coz even if i know how to kick people’s butts, he should be able to kick mine)

· must tell me if my blouse or skirt is too revealing and will tell me to change (but will check me out secretly as i’m changing hehehehe)

· must not be afraid of ghosts, cockroaches, rats, frogs, people

· will tell me that a guy/girl is not good for me without sounding like my gay or female friends

· smokes and drinks occasionally (because i do too)

· doesn’t do drugs

· has high respect for women, gays and lesbians and everyone else

· doesn’t think Sports Illustrated and FHM counts as literature

· must actually accept me for who i am, otherwise, we wouldn’t exactly be friends

Saturday, June 19, 2004

what i wish would go away

i'm having a lot of trouble studying since i get so out of focus. this is the only time i get to go out because i get to stay in the dorm and i don't have to worry about curfew. i get to see my friends, watch a lot of gigs and just drink, basically. i know i shouldn't be doing these things anymore because i should be studying but i will grow more insane than i already am if i don't.

i can't really study in the ue law library. for a library, it sure is very noisy. i haven't gotten rid of my status as a quasi-public figure. people still know me and talk to me and shit. they especially still ask me about my ex, which gives me mixed emotions. i mean, come on, it's been six fucking months and they still don't have an idea that we're not together anymore?! and some of them are just plain insensitive. some irritate me by telling me that they saw my ex with the girl and that i'm probably so hurt and shit. some keep telling me that i deserve better and that i should just focus on my studies while others just poke fun at my appearance, that i'm probably so hurt and bitter i keep on taking it out on my hair. there are others who are genuinely concerned about me and tell me that i look better and that i'm blooming and all those other things which they try to say because they think it will make me feel better. i am losing weight, whether consciously or unconsciously, and i do try to make myself better but i'm not fucking bitter. why don't they just leave me alone?

i've been alone most of my life, i'm an only child. i've learned to be independent at an early age. if they're not used to me being alone because they got so used to me being with my girlfriend all those four years in law school, it's not my frigging fault. people break up. there's no such thing as forever. forever ended in November 10, 2003. they should just pray for me that i pass the bar and move on. i mean, i've been trying to move on. maybe they should too.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

blah lang

the bad thing about being single, aside from the fact that i no longer get laid on a regular basis is the fact that i’m back in high school again. not literally, but the whole idea that i have crushes again and i’m relegated to that status where the guy i like doesn’t acknowledge my existence, no matter how smart, cute, nice or sexy i am or could be. fuck. i become so pa-girl and i wasn’t even like that when i actually was in high school! i was just basically ignored a lot ‘coz i didn’t cash in on my appearance to get the guy. oh yeah, i never really got the guy. i should just probably study for the bar.

Saturday, June 12, 2004

reggae away

My roommates, Jing and Mel and I, along with Jing’s cousins went to this bar in Timog called Xaymaca (it’s right across this gay bar called Gigolo-you can’t miss it unless they burn it out down and a different gay bar replaces the structure) to meet up with Jing’s cousin from Australia and his girlfriend to watch a reggae party where Session Road was playing. The car ride was pretty boring. It was boring in the sense that I was two-dimensional. Jing’s cousin Madel was a med student and Mel, of course, is a nurse so they had plenty to talk about, along with Madel’s classmate Jera who tagged along. Jing and Raisa (who drove the car) talked about boyfriends and this Aga-Kristine chick flick “It Might Be You” (or was it “All My Life”? I don’t really give a shit), something a loveless bisexual like me cannot relate to. We arrived towards the end of the band’s first set but I got to hear them play No Woman, No Cry, Jammin’, Waiting in Vain, King of Pain, Light My Fire, among others and some of their original songs.

I began to be bored again during intermission and was seriously contemplating going to Gweilos. I texted Mario, the bar owner and Gweilos Hour host but he didn’t text back. He was probably busy entertaining call center kids on a Thursday night. I was also thinking of getting picked up. Too bad my black “hot chick” top failed to do the trick. No one really gets picked up from a group; at least, that’s how I understand how the whole “picking up” thing works. I don’t really go out much, sowee. But there were lots of beautiful people, I felt really sorry for myself that I wasn’t cute enough or that next to the med students I looked either fat or geeky (still don’t use contact lenses yet, can’t afford it) or old. “Nope, I will not get laid tonight, poor me”, that’s how bored I felt. I was already thinking of all the places I would rather be, I couldn’t really follow what they were talking about. Not that I’m slow or anything, I just didn’t feel comfortable. I also thought there wasn’t gonna be a second set anymore. Good thing I thought wrong.

A stand-up comic, Tuesday Vargas, was also there (I think she’s going out with the band’s guitarist). She sang and did the rap part of No Doubt’s Underneath It All as they started the second set. The “kids” stayed at the table outside the bar while Jing and I went back in and danced (or swayed, or gyrated, you pick the term. I just had fun; this was my type of music we were gyrating to). They also covered 311’s version of The Cure’s Love Song(Jing got a bit emotional especially when it got to the part,”However far away, I will always love you”), Santeria by Sublime, Should I Stay or Should I Go by The Clash, Dyer Maker, the Sheryl Crow version and a lot of other songs I can’t remember right now. They also did some original songs but my favorite was Suntok sa Buwan, which is also the design of the t-shirts they were selling. They ended their set with Elevation by U2.

we didn’t stay for the credits anymore, which is the best part about watching a live band perform after you’ve yelled and jumped all you can to their music. I felt bad that I didn’t get to finish watching all the band members strut their stuff ‘coz the vocalist is always the last. Hannah Romawac rocks!!!! I was falling in love with her and I wasn’t fucking able to get her to sign any of my law books. SHIT. she connected with me sobra! I wanted to strangle myself with the braids of her hair.

at first i really felt bad about going. i felt stupid for letting them drag my big neurotic ass there. i usually go with my friends chris, beth or tina for gigs like that so i didn't expect to enjoy, but i did. i had such an adrenaline rush i kept saying that that feeling was better that sex. maybe i'll let them drag my ass again next time para ma-out of place uli sila sa'kin :)

Stuck at home on a Friday night

It’s the NU 107 Independence Day Sessions. It’s happening on three different venues: Baywalk, Mayrics, and Gweilos. And I’m fucking stuck here in Novaliches! Not to mention, Yvonne, Erwin’s fiancĂ©, has a short film premiering tonight and I’m gonna miss it. Oh yeah, it started at 8pm, it’s already 9:35pm, so I just missed it. Fuck.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

the only Britney Spears song you'll hear come out of my mouth (seriously)

 photo Britney-Spears_zpsd85e7a5c.jpg
we don't like Britney Spears too much. when i say "we", i mean me and my multiple personalities. her voice sounds like she had an overdose of helium. we're not too crazy about her songs either. they have a tendency of staying in our head longer than usual. that's not exactly good if we're trying to memorize important provisions of the law.

my roommates keep on bugging me to sing this song that i haven't even heard of or heard in full ('coz they sing it to me sometimes in the hope that i might actually get it and sing it for them). they want me to sing a song from an artist i don't particularly like. they keep on telling me that it's a good song and that it applies to me in some way. a good friend did say that she liked the song because it is good and while i don't really believe in my roommates' choices of songs (they're into R&B, really mushy love songs and dance, i listen to NU 107 and K Lite), i do take my friend's word for it.

we checked out the lyrics, listened to a portion of it and we do appreciate the effort Miss Britney put into the song. we don't like Britney but we do keep an open mind regarding the songs we listen to :)


Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry


At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

no man is an island ( we all need backup)

i just recently acquired a vcd copy of About A Boy as i couldn't really afford to buy the book yet and given my hectic studying schedule, i didn't really have time to read the book. hell, i don't even have enough time to read my own law books (yet i have time to blog. hmmn . . . ). it was a cool movie and it gives me something to look forward to the moment i buy the book. besides, if the book wasn't cool, they wouldn't really waste millions producing the film (case in point: The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, The Vampire Chronicles, Bridget Jones's Diary, and all those John Grisham books). i failed to watch the movie when it first came out. it was one of those movies i wasn't able to watch because i didn't really have the time OR my girlfriend at the time didn't really want to watch the movie if i was the one who had to pay. of course, there were other movies we couldn't watch either because we didn't have the time or because she refused my offer to pay (Spiderman, X-2, Harry Potter, I Am Sam, etc.) so i just thought i'd buy vcd copies of them. thanks to the wonders of cable tv, i didn't have to buy a lot.

the story touched me so much, not to mention i had the biggest crush on Hugh Grant. it was a refreshing sight, Hugh not in his usual coat-and-tie. he reminded me so much of a friend who, although not romantically linked to me, remains very special in my heart (special being a relative term). i am usually an island, being an only child, i grew not having to rely on anybody so much but myself. the boy reminded me of how i talk and sing to myself sometimes. sometimes a lot of times.

one of the other things i loved about the movie was its soundtrack by Badly Drawn Boy. i first heard of his songs through the NU 107 program Eurorock and later, through the show Between Planets (which is actually just Eurorock and the station's wave '80s show, the title of which escapes my brain at the moment combined). very soothing. i'm not really the expert in reviewing music but i have to say that my judgment as far as music is concerned ain't as lousy as my choices in relationships.

a friend of mine once sent me a message which read, "There is a subtle fear of freedom, and everybody wants to be a slave. Everyone, of course, talks about freedom, but no one has the courage to be really free because when you are really free you are alone. If you have the courage to be alone, then only can you be free."

i have always been alone. i never have been scared of being an island; i have a world of my own. but we all need backup sometimes. sometimes all the time.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

if i may diss FPJ

here in the RP, there are no losing election candidates, only candidates who were "cheated" of their sweet victory.

election day has long been over but the canvassing of votes in Congress hasn't even started yet and according to our Constitution, whoever the next President of the Philippines will be, he should be proclaimed by June 30 of this year. with all the hoopla as to how the rules of canvassing should be construed, it looks like the winning candidate won't be known until maybe next year.

a great number of accusations from both the opposition and the administration have been hurdled out as to who is cheating on who(sounds like a telenovela) and who the real winning candidate is. it's a legal battle and i find it funny that all these lawyers who teach us how to interpret the law properly and who write books about the law are the first ones to distort it. i would not even dare to enumerate the instances where i feel the law was bent or interpreted differently than the way it should be for i am still on the path of becoming a lawyer; i don't presume to know everything.

but that's the whole point, i am reviewing for the bar and if the fates are kind, i will become a lawyer come 2005. six years of law school and i feel like i still don't know a thing. how can we let someone who didn't even finish high school but who gets by because of his popularity take control of our country? what bothers me is the fact that, if FPJ wins after all, how will he manage our economy? is he really going to be the one to control everything or is this where his puppet masters come in? i am not one to diss people because of their race, creed(i barely go to my own church), sexual preference (the last time i checked, i'm still a bisexual) or educational attainment (i had an ex-boyfriend who lived in the slums. he worked as a backride for those "hataw" jeeps in novaliches. he took a vocational course in radio technology but he didn't really have much of a backbone. all he did was play basketball, ride the jeep and womanize. i loved him very much, but there really wasn't much we could talk about). i respect people for who and what they are, i just hate it when people take advantage of their popularity and turn it into a political goldmine. the senators who won in the recent election were mostly actors, offsprings of other political figures or people who dated really famous celebrities (although we have to give props to Senator Mar Roxas, he really does work. they didn't call him Mr. Palengke for nothing) while the former framers of our laws, the really good ones, didn't even make the top 15.

FPJ is a good man who should take defeat gracefully. if his intentions are authentic, he doesn't need public office to help the millions of Filipinos suffering from poverty and injustice. i'd like to have a gay and lesbian party list representative in Philippine Congress but i don't have to be the one to sitting in Congress. if one wants to make a difference in society it doesn't mean that running for councilor, kagawad, senator, congressman, or President is the only way of making it happen. there are other ways. helping people doesn't always come with a photo opp. believe me, these things don't really go unnoticed.

i'd like to think the Filipino people have matured and have voted wisely. we will never really know until our politicians are done canvassing the votes.

4 days and counting . . .

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

one of those songs i'd like to sing to my crush

Extraordinary by Liz Phair

You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park
And run the stop sign in the dark
Stand in the street, yell out my heart
To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

You may not believe in me
But I believe in you
So I still take the trash out
Does that make me too normal for you?

So dig a little deeper, cause
You still don't get it yet
See me lickin' my lips, need a primitive fix
And I'll make, I'll make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do?
Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?
Who the hell are you?

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Why it’s Hard to Get Bi

I am a bisexual. I dig both guys and girls. At least, that’s how they define bisexuals and that’s exactly how or what I am. Not that I am not capable of monogamy. I am, to a certain extent, capable of loyalty and fidelity. There are just times when I cannot control my attraction for both the opposite and the same sex.

I like men, I admire men but right now, I cannot consider marrying anytime soon. I like women, more specifically, women who look like men (I think to most people, the term is “butch”). People might find it really strange that I am this way and a lot of them have come up with theories to rationalize my behavior. Like, “you must’ve had a terrible experience with a guy that’s why you dig chicks”, or “so, you like to experiment?” or “do you think you’re that ugly you can’t get a guy so you’d rather date a girl?” Oftentimes, they are wrong and I feel it stems out from their need to feel better about themselves. Really. I have been this way for a very long time now and that’s the way I am. You either love me or hate me for it.

It’s actually pretty simple: I have come to terms with the idea that I may never get married. Not that no guy is good enough, there are a great number of eligible single men out there. They just don’t like me. I’m not good enough for them. I got sick and tired of the whole idea of making yourself available and trying to improve yourself so that a guy will like you. Like a guy will make the ultimate sacrifice for you. It sounds very unfair, but it’s true. Most men wouldn’t really make that kind of sacrifice for a woman unless something was in it for them, like sex or money. If a guy likes you for who you are, that would be great, really great. But if he doesn’t, why should I kill myself trying to make him do? Not that I won’t try or that I’m a wuss that I won’t even exert any amount of effort to improve myself per se, not just to get a date. I mean, I’m already fairly attractive(i have people other than my parents telling me so); I can sing fairly well; I know when to use ‘their’, ‘there’ and ‘they’re’ in a sentence plus I study Philippine law. I can try to improve myself some more, but I won’t try to change me into something I’m not just so some schmuck can make me his maid after letting me drop my last name. Besides, I don’t think that there is a guy (tall, smart, talented, sweet, sensitive, fairly attractive, and considerably well-off) in the planet that can handle me or my neurosis long enough to actually make a life-long commitment out of it. If there is, we haven't found each other yet.

I’m also open to the idea of living in with another girl. Lesbians can’t really get legally married in the R.P. following the provision in our Family Code (Marriage is a special contract of permanent union between a man and a woman . . .). I want to have kids, yes, that’s why there is such a thing as artificial insemination, surrogacy and adoption. In my last relationship, I had already figured out who my sperm donor would be, what their names would be and how to tell them what brought them into this world. Sadly, that relationship ended and while I was badly bruised, I don’t really shun the idea of me dating another lesbian again.

Right now, there is a humongous effort on the part of the people around me to try to transform me into a girl, like the “only dating men” type. I heard that there is even this bet on which guy will get to sleep with me first, if only to prove a point that I am a girl and that the relationship with my ex-girlfriend was only a phase. Yeah, right. Like they know everything about me. I don’t really get referrals because people can’t exactly tell if they should refer me to a guy or to a girl. But I keep my options open. Whether it’s a guy or a girl, it doesn’t really matter to me as long as we understand each other and we enjoy each other’s company. It’s just like the way heterosexuals try to find a partner: They don’t really care if the other person is rich or poor, cute or ugly, black or white, as long as they love the person. I’m exactly that way only I don’t limit my horizons to the men. There are a lot of cool women out there who think the same way as I do, I just haven’t found them yet.

Lesbians and gay men already have difficulty finding acceptance in this world, especially in this country, where nobody really wants to admit to being perverse but everybody makes other people’s business their business. I can’t exactly make them understand my views too, considering they haven’t really come to terms with the concept of gay people in general. But I’m getting by. Thank God, not all people are closed-minded. Not everybody will hate you just because you’re different.  It’s just hard to get a date again. It’s hard to get people off your back for liking people from both sexes. It’s hard to make them respect you for your views. That’s why it’s hard to get by.