Saturday, May 29, 2004

mama

my mother died eight years ago today. she died of breast cancer. they say these things usually skip a generation, which means i'm safe but that if had kids, they wouldn't be.

my mother was a very cheerful woman. she had a unique laugh and her eyes would shrink whenever she was happy you couldn't see the white in her eyes anymore. she was so easy to please. i'd get good grades, she'd smile. i'd get her a new blouse, she'd smile. i'd sing her a song, she'd smile. i wish all people were that easily content.

she was a very giving woman. they were 10 children in the family, not counting her half-brothers and half-sisters. she was the fourth child of my grandparents and she took care of each and every one of my aunts and uncles. she'd help my aunts find work, she'd lend her brothers money and she was nice to all their kids even when they weren't exactly nice, grateful and respectful to her. she'd give them stuff even before they could ask.

she was very giving to my dad. i don't know how i manage to put up with my dad, but she could and she did one hell of a job,too. she was very supportive of him, even when he wasn't exactly right all the time. she said she loved him the first time she laid eyes on him. and love him with all her might, she did.

my mother was very strong and brave woman. her faith in the Lord was unwavering. you couldn't really tell she was sick until you saw her scars and she gave a big fight until her last breath. when she left, she was smiling.

i miss you, mama. thank you for watching over me.

alanis' new haircut

i've always loved Alanis Morissette. i love her music, i love her angst. i got all her albums and i even bought a vcd copy of Dogma because she played God there.she was the angry white female, i was the angry brown female. for some weird reason, she could put into words and music the things i couldn't whine about. it's like Jessica Zafra, only Alanis is more musical and Jessica is limited to writing and whining. my college classmates told me i could do a great rendition of Alanis' songs. it's how i got into a band in UE. they said i nailed Hand In My Pocket so bad they thought they were listening to the radio. the pleasure is mine :)

when i had a haircut after the breakup, Alanis' new video for her new single Everything came out. a friend pointed out that i was trying to copy her again which is weird considering she is considerably happy in the arms of Ryan Reynolds (Van Wilder, Two Guys and a Girl) while i am very much unattached. she is unexplicably happy that she doesn't look like Dave Grohl's long lost sister anymore(rumor has it that Taylor Hawkins agreed to be
The Foo Fighters' drummer because Dave looked so much like Alanis. Taylor used to play drums for Alanis. hehehe). people usually get a haircut when they're depressed,i got a haircut 'coz i was depressed. Alanis got a haircut 'coz she's happy. weird, huh? but then alanis is sui generis, she is a class of her own. 


 photo haircuts-morissette-split_zpsa0aaf73e.jpg



i feel good everytime i hear her new song Everything. it makes me wish i can find my own "Ryan" to make me feel so happy i can sing, walk along the desert with a guitar in my hand,wearing my powder blue halter top, sporting my new do :)

Everything

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone
who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

And you’re still here
And you're still here...

Thursday, May 27, 2004

nanay ng bayan

I love my band. They’re like my kids, only they didn’t come out of my womb. I was “Nanay Bels” and my girlfriend was “Tatay". Whenever they had problems, whether it was about school, or family, or their love lives, they’d come to either one of us for advice. This is my, I can’t remember anymore, nth family. I had kids in UST, from the UST College Journal, the JCBA Debate Society and the JCBA Chorale; I had kids in San Beda, both from the straight and the gay communities; I have kids in UE. I think the biggest population of people where I have “kids” can be found in UE. Everybody calls me “mama” or “nanay” in UE, even people who are slightly older than I am. I don’t exactly mind, except that, after the breakup, everybody was all upset. Not that they had to take sides from either one of us, it was just different. We were together for three years and everybody, and I mean, EVERYBODY couldn’t get used to the fact that we weren’t together anymore. Mark, from the original batch of Lex Palooza, said we were icons. Icons? In Constitutional Law, we fall under the term “public figures”. Really? Some people were genuinely upset when they found out my girlfriend and I broke up, the “kids” were very much affected. Others were just waiting for it to happen. You know how straight people think. They like you individually or together but they don’t necessarily expect your relationship to last that long. You know, so they could spit out, “I thought so,” I think there wasn’t any real big relationship to watch aside from ours so you could consider us as a source of entertainment in the college of law. Nothing really big was happening if there weren’t any gigs and the students were tired of studying so they make it their business to meddle with other people’s affairs.


I’m still “mom” to some people. Well, as far as the kids from UST and SBC are concerned, I’m still their mom. ‘Coz when I assumed mother status, I was just mom and dad could be whoever I was dating at the time so if the relationship didn’t work, they didn’t really need to adjust much. I was like their friend who was sooo in touch with her maternal instincts. They like it that way. I’m big sister, mother, friend ‘coz they couldn’t exactly share everything with their real mothers. I’d let them smoke and drink for as long as they could take care of themselves. I just pamper them like a mother would without necessarily giving them allowance, just little things that make you more lovable as a friend but short of a mom already. And it was sooo okay for me to date a younger guy ‘coz if it didn’t work out, I could just refer him to one of my “daughters”. They never really mind when I give advice, whether if it’s about business or family or sex or love because they know that I know what I’m talking about. Especially when I talk about sex. I usually start with the phrase, “okay, take this educationally,” and a discussion about boys and girls and gays and lesbians and the birds and the bees follows. It’s all good. I wouldn’t really start talking if I didn’t know they were mature enough to absorb everything that I said and I censor myself. I don’t really yak when there are people who are below the age of 18 around. I don’t assume to be responsible although I try to be, to set a good example. After all, I’m their “mom”. I don’t meddle with their decisions although they give weight to my opinions, especially about their love life. Been there, done that. Well, almost done everything.

I’m not God. I’m not perfect. I’m just “Ate Bels” or “Nanay Bels”. I can’t always assume that when I say something they’ll do exactly what I said or that I’m always right. I can’t always be right. I just let them know that when they need me, I’m there and if I can’t always help, that I’d at least listen and try to understand what they’re going through. Everybody needs a sounding board, a hug, a smile, a hand, anything that might give them hope. Because I’m not God and I don’t try to be God. But if I can tell a person that there is a God and that prayer helps when all hope is left (I’m beginning to preach and I don’t even mean to. Religion and morality is relative.) Then my work is done. I mean, when I’m lonely or despondent, I’d want someone to talk to me and listen to me whine and hug me and tell me everything’s gonna be okay so why can’t I do that when somebody else needs it?

I think this all started when my own mother died. Not that I blame her for leaving but I kinda felt the need to share what I had when she was still alive to people who take their moms for granted. Or it could be my frustration to have a kid of my own (because I always thought I’d have kids but no dad and I thought this way even before I was going out with a lesbian) that I have this insane urge to take care of everybody else. That or the thought that if you were nice to people bad enough, they’d be nice to you too. I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.

Right now, I just want to enjoy being “Bels”, whether it’s “ate” or “mommy”, I don’t really care. I’m just enjoying my life. I just keep telling everyone to get used to the idea that “nanay” and “tatay” aren’t together anymore, that we may never get back together, and if “tatay” gets a stepmom, to just be nice to stepmom. I mean, I’m still their friend and as their friend, I’m entitled to find my happiness. If I bring someone who could be potential stepdad or stepbutch, I’d want them to be nice to him/her too, right? I want them to be happy and I want me to be happy too. I’ve always been “mom” to people even before I met this girl and I’ll always be “sorta mom” to people even after she left my life. It’s like how your friend will always be your friend before, during and after his stupid boyfriend dumps her.
so i am :)

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Imitation is a form of flattery

i had a haircut two years ago; after I got rid of the two people I cheated with while I was still with my girlfriend. Well, actually, I didn’t get rid of them, they graduated so they were out of my hair and I started making amends with my love. I tried to get everything back to the way they were, before I cheated. I kept saying to myself, maybe if she wasn’t such an insensitive asshole who always ran out of money and got sick all the time, I wouldn’t have cheated on her. If she didn’t take me for granted, the thought of kissing someone else other than her wouldn’t have crossed my mind. We weren’t having enough sex, which is not to say that sex was the end-all and be-all of our relationship. She just wasn’t as sweet as before, like when she-snagged-me-from-someone-else before. Since I was the guilty party, I tried to forget that her insensitivity and lack of creativity led me to cheat on her. Come on, cheating is cheating. When you hurt someone you love, you break their trust and unfortunately, trust isn’t won back that easily even if you break into Tracy Chapman’s Baby, Can I Hold You Tonight. And even if it was the other person’s omission that led you to break that trust, the fact remains, you folded. Folded badly, I did.

That was 2002. Things were different the year later. I tried so hard to make it up to her. I bought her stuff, I fed her, I loaned her money, and I took care of her when she was sick. Things were exactly the way they were before I cheated, except for the cheating part. I was sweet and caring and everything. Sometimes I thought, "Why the hell am I doing this? She was the one who wanted to get back together immediately after my big boo-boo, she was the one who said that things would be different, that she’ll be sweeter and more sensitive, that we’ll start from scratch, that’s everything’s forgiven and forgotten and shit like that. She only realizes how important I am when I’m important to somebody else. But every time I point out that she’s not doing her part or that nothing really changed, it always comes up. It always has to come up like some big excuse she finds convenient to use when she’s an asshole.

There is a prevailing doctrine in law, the principle of estoppel. It goes: one should speak when he ought to speak and should be silent when he ought not to speak. I remember it clearly, because, she is estopped from using that excuse on me. She could’ve not taken me back. I mean, I cheated and I didn’t want to get back together right away because it was my fault. I wanted her to get mad and ignore me and treat me like shit ‘coz I deserved it. But she didn’t, she took me back. A year later, when I’m kicking my butt so hard just to please her and I’m just asking for a little respect or appreciation, I get this?

She met her student-dentist in 2003. We were all fourth year students at the time. They became really close. So close, my girlfriend’s gift to this girl was the exact same gift she gave me on our month-sary (a bottle of strawberry daiquiri) except, hers was gift-wrapped and mine was in 7-11 plastic. I had chocolates, she didn’t have any chocolates, but they spent the afternoon together. Dental appointment :) I come home late at night and she wouldn’t bother to ask me where I was or if I was safe but she had time to text her dentist that she was okay :( and other shit like that.

Being the blabbermouth that I am, I kept complaining. I’m a jealous girl. Weird huh? I flirt with everyone but when my girlfriend does it, I get jealous of everybody. We were arguing all the time. She kept saying, “You always accuse me of doing something behind your back when I’m not even doing anything. I trusted you and you screwed up!” It’s funny how the past has its way of getting back to the present.

When I was cheating on her, I told her I wanted to have time alone for myself when I was actually with somebody else. She didn’t really give me that time to think. When I was with that other person, my mind was clear. I had an opportunity to realize how unhappy I was with my girlfriend, even if I didn’t want to admit it because I was so in love with her to actually see it. I was mean, I was bad, I hurt her so bad, and I know that. But that was two fucking years ago. When she finally broke up with me, November 10, 2003, that’s what she said. She needed time to think for herself, that she hasn’t completely gotten over what I did and that she needed to be away for a while and I let her. It’s actually very hard to stay away from a person with whom you share a sorority, a band and all your classes together but I shooed away from her because that‘s what she wanted. Of course, I could’ve bugged her the same way she bugged me when I needed to be alone. I could’ve stalked her to death the way she was at our house everyday, I could’ve threatened to kill myself the way she did or tell her folks what their only daughter was doing with another person’s daughter the way she did. But I didn’t. I backed off. I was sooo busy blaming myself, kicking myself in the butt for something I did two years ago that it never occurred to me that she was cheating on me. She did to me the exact same thing I did to her: she broke up with me to be with dentist :(

Why did I not see that?

Every now and then I see them in the library, studying. They look so cute I want to shoot them. But I don’t. I don’t. They should be happy, they should be. I mean, her breaking my heart should be worth something, right? They should live happily ever after. Because if I’m hurting, if I’m miserable and having difficulty studying because I see the two of them together or because people won’t let go of the fact that we’re not together anymore ( our public is still experiencing withdrawal symptoms ), they should be happy, right? ‘Coz if I’m miserable and they’re still not fucking happy, then fuck them! They’re asking for too much. I ain’t gonna pick her up when she falls again. I was doing that even before we got together and all three years that we were together.

I told her the first time I cut my hair really short that I was getting rid of my demons. By demons, I meant, the two people I cheated with, I got them out of my system. After my graduation, I cut my hair really short again. It was a sign she knew very well. Days later, she cut her hair really, really shorter than mine :)

stay away from my behind, my dear frat brother

i went out with my friend Beth for a drink after she gave me a copy of memory aids (aaarghh!!! i have to f***in' read all 650 pages of it!!!) which she got for me. letting her have a drink was the least i could do. i took her to this restaurant/bar near my dorm where this guy (haven't really thought of a name for him yet) and his friends were drinking. jeez, all the students from UE drink there.

anyway, i had wanted to talk to "this guy" because i wanted to clear something with him. there was this issue that i had the hots for him or that i was spreading news that he had the hots for me (made my ex think i was beginning to become a loose woman when she heard about it. HELLO?!) so i thought i'd talk to him about it. just to clear the air. because i don't want people saying anything about me when i come up to him, not that what people say matters, i just don't want that in my head right now. i'm gonna take the bar, for crying out loud, i don't need shit like that. so we talked and he explained that he wasn't the type of guy who would spread rumors about his female friends nor would he try to hit on any of them, myself included. then he left our table with the message that we'll just be civil and that nothing of the sort can ruin our budding friendship, 'coz he is nice. and he could be pretty useful since i need people to help me out when i review for the bar.we shook hands. we made beso. i was even joking for him to give me another kiss, because i am like that. it's how i know everything's cool. i don't really like people to put malice in what i do to them nor do i put malice in what other people say and do to me. i can even joke about doing it in the bathroom with a guy (or girl, as the case may be) without actually really doing it. but then, i forgot that "this guy" has already had a couple of beers on him. definite no-no.

i came up to him again to ask him to light my cigarette (next time, i'll remember to ALWAYS bring my lighter with me) when he asked me if i was going home already, where my dorm is, who were at the dorm at that particular instance and that nobody was gonna know. KNOW WHAT?! then i remembered, fuck, i joked about doing it! he had his arm around me and our backs were turned against his companions and he was asking me if i wanted to do it! damnit! NO! NO! NO! come on, he's nice, he's fairly attractive and he also said some ten, twenty minutes ago that he doesn't hit on his friends! i could almost be his sister, for Christ's sake! well, i am his sister, sorority sister. he kissed me on the neck and his arm was around me and he kept touching my butt! i told him no, even when he kept on saying that no one would find out about it and that no, he wouldn't enjoy it 'coz i would only leave him hanging, i'm known for that and no, I DON'T WANT TO. i flirt with everybody, i can do it (have sex) just for the sake of doing it, without commitment and without regrets. BUT HELL, I DON'T SHIT IN MY BACKYARD. we go to the same school, we're in the same organization and we almost have the same set of drinking buddies. i just cleared the air because i don't need trivial issues to deal with while i'm reviewing for the bar then he gives me this?

i could call it sexual harrassment because even if i was the one who provoked him by joking about it (probably made him fantasize about me all that time i was seated away from him), he was the one who kept touching my butt when i didn't want him to. i said no. it could well be my fault because i shouldn't be joking around men who drank too much beer. i don't know. i just don't need this right now. not ever. but it's not just my fault. he should've known better. we were both drinking, not together, but the fact remains, we weren't totally sane about the words coming out of our mouths. he shouldn't have assumed that just because i joked about it i would actually do it. hello?! NEVER ASSUME OR ELSE YOU WILL FALL FLAT ON YOUR FACE. that's how this whole "clearing the air" thing started in the first place, because of false assumptions.

people assume too much. i can't always assume to be right 'coz most of the time i could be wrong. people shouldn't assume. I HAVE TO STUDY. 650 pages is a long way to go for me to wrack my brain over sex.

miss great expectations

i am a flirtatious bitch.

i make friends with everybody. i get all touchy and feely sometimes, especially when i'm beginning to be close to the person. and i don't just do that with the guys, i'm sweet to everybody which sometimes give people the wrong idea about me.i don't really care about what other people say. never have. won't start anytime soon.

i have this ability to lead people on. i never really thought about myself that way until a good friend pointed it out. teaser was even the term he used. pretty far from how i perceive myself considering i spent most of my lifetime running after people who don't even know i exist. think unrequited love. but i am a flirt, no doubt that. i used to think of that term so negatively that i hated being tagged as such. then i learned that most people couldn't really do what i could do, meaning make friends with their crush or get that boy's (or girl's) number. i had guts. sometimes, an over-abundance of guts. Robin Williams' carpe diem got me pretty bad.

i like flirting with people, men and women alike, because there's something terribly exciting with playing with a person's head. i mean, mind. it makes you more creative. but i can be very bad.

how bad?

i don't go around breaking young guys'(girls'. jeez, straight out of Michael Jackson's billie jean. never saw that coming) hearts. i just get a morality attack and all of a sudden what sounded like a great hot idea doesn't appeal to me anymore. hence, the term EBTG or teaser. it hurts the other person to a certain extent but i don't really seem to care. i don't know why but it sort of occurred to me that if a guy can lead you on and make you believe that you're the most beautiful person in the universe just to get you to bed and treat you like shit afterwards, why not do it to them? give them hell. for a change. somebody's got to do it.

i'm not saying i represent all the women out there who got dumped after being devirginized 'coz chances are, they wouldn't want to bond with me. i mean, i'm not exactly Mother Teresa. i flirt, remember? surely, there must be a lot of really sweet guys out there who've met people like me and who are cursing those women just the same. i just don't want to be the victim anymore. i don't want to get hurt anymore. and if letting a horny guy's hard member go to waste will do the trick, i'm all for it. damn, there's so much more to a woman than what's between her legs and if that's all a guy is interested in, then sowee :)

Sunday, May 23, 2004

studying the law

i'm gonna take the bar examinations this coming september. i'm really very nervous. i'm finally gonna take a shot at fulfilling my dad's lifelong dream. it hurts to disappoint.

i studied Philippine law for six years. prior to law school, i studied business. i was thinking, maybe, i'd let the corporate people enslave me for three years or so before i started my own gig BUT daddy wanted his only child to become a lawyer since he couldn't be one, not to mention there was a recession in '98. so to law school i went. everybody in law school wanted to be a lawyer. everybody but me.

of course, when all my college friends started working and just as i was getting into law school, ally mcbeal started airing in the RP so people thought i went there because i was "inspired by the show". i'd like to think my love life wasn't that pathetic but i did want to have a law firm of my own with a bar upstairs where all my favorite local alternative rock bands could perform. so ends my ally mcbeal analogy.

i finally got the hang of studying the law when i transferred to ue. i got in a band, joined a sorority, met my girlfriend who swore she would love me forever. forever lasted three years. anyway, i had always been sorta idealistic anyway, change the system or try to fight it at least. i appreciate my rights better now, guys think it's kinda sexy when they find out you're a law student, i can use latin to make people feel more stupid than they already are and i now know what to say when a police officer flags me down for a traffic violation. i always said that, neurotic as i am, i am going to make a difference in this frigging world. even though i might do an "anne heche" someday and marry a guy (like that was gonna happen anytime soon, or ever), i'd make sure there was a gay and lesbian party list in the Philippine Congress first.

i will be taking the bar exams in september. next year we will find out if i will be able to accomplish all that i wish to achieve OR if i wasted six years of my life trying to be someone i'm not and dad's precious moolah.

pc illiterate me



i'm pretty sure i can get this right with much difficulty. or maybe not. i'm getting the hang of this technology-filled world we live in but i don't really know if i can get used to it.

i know some things but not everything. it frustrates me. it's like when i'm studying the law, Philippine law. i know things, i know a lot of things, but not everything. and people, my classmates, they have this way of making you feel like you don't know anything at all.

it's like when you've poured out your heart on something really really important but it can't be posted. darn.