Monday, December 27, 2004

baduy na kung baduy

i always sing this song whenever i see my Jerry Yan look-alike crush pass by. doesn't matter if he's got a kid, doesn't matter if he's married (if he is). i just like seeing him. i especially like the look on my crush's face (the other one, the one with beautiful eyes) whenever i sing this song because i'm secretly singing this song to him. the Jerry Yan look-alike's name is Dan and my officemates and i revised the lyrics of this song to best suit him.

bawat araw sinusun-Dan
di ka naman tumitingin
ano'ng aking dapat gawin
kai-Dan, kai-Dan mo ba mapapansin ang aking lihim
kahit ano'ng aking gawin di mo pinapansin
kai-Dan, kai-Dan hahaplusin ang pusong bitin na bitin
kahit ano'ng gawing lambing, di mo pa rin pansin
i used to be this big Smokey Mountain fan.

whenever my crush with beautiful eyes is around, i never seem to look good or sing good. and to think i sing great. ask my UE Law kids. Jessica Zafra is a genius. she was right when she said that you will never look good in front of the person who makes your heart feel a-flutter. she was also right when she said that all good men are either taken or gay. and, if i might add, more often than not, they don't like you or find you interesting. they would much rather go for the fair-skinned waif with humongous tits but with a brain the size of a pea.

ano, pabaduyan na lang.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

i feel like a voyeur when i look at you

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
-Damien Rice, The Blower's Daughter

. . . because you have really beautiful eyes.

i don't know why i like you. you seem nice, really. except maybe for certain comments you blurt out that annoy me. damnit i find myself fantasizing about you a great number of times. i mean, i don't think i can even get a good night's (or day) sleep without thinking about you first. it's sick. i know i will never have you. i know i will never be able to tell you. i know that even if i tell you, it will never matter. i know that even if i mattered, it would be useless because we'll soon part ways.

i suddenly remembered the tall thin bedimpled guitar guy from my law school. i liked him so much. much the same way i like you now. which means i'll forget you and how insane i get around you when i meet the next cute guy/girl. maybe i'm just in love with the idea that i'm in love with you. maybe not. i like what i know about you so far (except for some things) and i even respect you for the things you've already achieved. i just wish i could maximize the time i have with you, while i still can be with you.

I know everybody here wants you
I know everybody here thinks (s)he needs you
I'll be waiting right here just to show you
How our (my) love will blow it all away
- Jeff Buckley, Everybody Here Wants You

too many people want you. they all want a piece of you. all i want is just, hell, i don't even know what i want from you. probably an opportunity. to talk. to walk. to listen to music or watch a movie. to do something relevant other than the things we do together now. that's it. that's what i want to do if i get the chance to actually be with you. just you. to touch you. hug you. kiss you.
love you.

oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away
and I forgot to tell you I love you
and the night's too long and cold here without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the words to say I need you so
-Sarah McLachlan, I Love You

i don't point fingers when my fingers are dirty

this has been a really interesting week. so interesting i slept most of the time and not blogged about it. i keep putting off writing about it because i lack sleep or am drunk by the time i get home.

cris, an officemate (and former friend, because i hardly talk to her nowadays) filed a complaint against april, a.k.a. OD, for allegedly spreading rumors that she (cris) stole april's cellphone. of course, cris didn't. and of course, april wasn't spreading the rumors. but the circumstances surrounding this situation aren't too complicated. they're not complicated! in fact, it's sooo not complicated that thinking about it gives me a headache!!!

april was asked to make a complaint and/or to explain her side of the story and was asked by the guy handling the complaint if she had any witnesses or people who had complaints about cris as well. we were just waiting for them at the 22nd floor reception area. it was as if april was pregnant and we were waiting to know if she had given birth already. if you could only see what we all looked like. anyway, all of us waiting did go and said something about their personal experience with cris. somehow, i didn't want to feel emphatic at that moment because i'd hate to be cris right now. i mean, you know how old people say that when people talk about you, something bad happens to you? like you bite your tongue or skip a step? because of the many not-so-nice things being said about her, she could've been maimed by now.

i hate judging people. i hate talking about people behind their backs. of course, i am guilty of doing these things sometimes but i feel like i've been fair to cris. like before i started judging her and saying things behind her back, i did try talking to her until i got tired. people thought i was tolerating her behavior, people used to think that i was her puppet, her doormat, her yaya, and to think i was the older, supposedly more mature between the two of us. it hurt to be with her sometimes because she would do things that tended to embarrass me in front of many people. and it's not because i don't understand or accept her (i am a flirt too, you know), i do. it's just that it got to the point where it felt like i was supporting her with her so-called ADHD, but i wasn't getting any support from her, because i didn't have the right to feel bad or get mad at her when she was "naughty" or "just playing" and i was her "mama bels". it's just that, the things that she does can be so unacceptable or incomprehensible sometimes, especially in a working environment, that it makes me forget how kind or wonderful she is because i'm too busy being embarrassed, irritated or pissed. moreover, right now, i feel so ripped off. like i was made to believe certain things in order to stretch my patience more than usual, just so i wouldn't leave. i protected her and cared for her until it was time to think about myself. being a surrogate mother can be tiring, you know.

1. i do have a right to be angry.

2. i am not your mother.

3. i came here to work for this company, your parents don't pay me for looking after you

4. i can barely take care of myself, how can i take care of you?

5. if you do hear me and as you say, you're not stupid. you're right, you're not stupid. you're STUBBORN. it's nice to think that you will fight the world as long as you think you're right, even admirable. but what if the whole world is right and you're wrong?

so many people have so many not-so-good things to say about cris. they either get pissed because she tries so hard to catch people's attention to the point that she becomes annoying because she harasses everybody sexually or verbally, butts in conversations, thinks she knows everything or because she gets their stuff even before they can say, "NO". she made an ashtray out of carl's (oreo's fiancee) arm. her paranoia caused a rift between her and liza (she has a tendency to think that when people are talking in groups they are automatically talking about her) because she thought that when liza was answering a question and uttered the words "promiscuous", liza was attacking her personality. ira still can't forget how she pinched his nipples and his butt in public with people in attendance during the first day of training class. nobody in wave nine wants to talk to her anymore, except for a few people who are forced to stay with her because they pity her and think that they're the only ones who can understand her, or because, in one person's words, "kasi iniwan mo na siya, bels, kaya di ko naman siya pwedeng pabayaan". see how she can make a person feel bad for leaving but feel more bad for staying?

i don't initiate fights. i try to avoid fighting in general. i especially don't want to fight when i know i'll lose or if i'll win but not in a fair way. again, we go back to the principle of estoppel. or the principle of mutual guilt. or not casting the first stone when you yourself are sinful. or the boy who cried wolf.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

torpe rin kasi ako

i've always seen myself as, well, a bit of a risktaker. ever since watching dead poets society, and coming out of my shell, not out, but out of my shell, i've been a bit more daring. people don't dare me to do something because they know i'll do it. unless it crosses the line, i'll do it. not the fear factor sort of way, but i like to do things. i'll try anything once. except sex =) and drugs because i don't want to ever try unless i want to be addicted to them. the longest i've gone without a cig is six months.

but then, i'm also shy to do certain things. like . . . well, just read these poems i wrote about five to seven years ago so you'll know what i mean.


hanggang dito na lang ako

sabi ko mawawala rin 'to

hindi pala

hindi kasi pwede

hindi kasi dapat

hindi rin

kung nasabi lang ang dapat sabihin

nagawa ang dapat gawin

pero hindi talaga kaya

hanggang dito lang talaga ako

di sana masaya ako

di sana magkasama tayo

di sana, tayo

kaso, hindi talaga uubra

kasi hanggang dito lang ako

torpe (part 2?)

masaya. malungkot.


nahulog na naman yata ako.

hindi rin.

hindi kayang aminin.

hindi kayang tanggapin.

kasi hindi na pwede.

hindi dapat.

kaya kahit masakit, hindi aaminin.

hindi tatanggapin.

hindi haharapin ang katotohanan

na nahulog na naman ako.

so . . . what do you think?

wish i could have one like that one day

my friend oreo got engaged last saturday night so she missed the whole wave nine christmas party. she texted me about it sunday morning while i was at liza's place waiting for adjie to wake up. darn, and i don't even like adjie. and even more darn, now that i think about it, just about every person who proposed marriage to me is a girl.

erwin and yvonne spent almost a month in london for their honeymoon. robert and his wife are based in london now.

i sometimes feel sorry for myself. sometimes, most of the time.

i don't really like having self-pity sessions for the reason that that's basically what they are: self-pity sessions. they don't empower one's self; they celebrate one's depression and frustrations in life and turn it into one big occasion. it's just like christmas where you let people who are supposed to related to you by blood but for some weird reason not related to you by brain insult you and demean you for being unattached or unsuccessful or even financially unbeautiful.

am i making any sense? i know i'm not.

i don't really want to engaged. i just want to have someone. i am getting old, aren't i? i don't have to have my honeymoon in london. i just have to be able to visit london. i don't have to be extremely waify and pretty to feel good about myself, i just need to feel good. i haven't felt that way in a long time. i need to feel.

because there are words to describe nothingness. i just can't figure one out right now.

Monday, December 20, 2004

that's the closest i can ever get to you

i got out of bed just so i could write about the dream i just had. and E texted me. she says she misses me and was hoping i would still do this lap dance for her. darn, and i don't even know how to dance. DO YOU HAVE A POLE IN YOUR ROOM?

i love my dreams. they're in technicolor. whether i'm dreaming at night or at the daytime, i have the weirdest dreams. they have this video-like quality. i get those mini-movies. you know, the ones that have those really deep meanings that you have to see them again and again for clarity. and i get deja vu. it's like i dream about something and then that thing/moment happens and i feel like that thing/moment/circumstance has happened before. that's how they define deja vu, right?

and then the computer conks out on you as well as everything else because of the power failure. i think in one word, they call it, "bummer", or, "damnit", or "whatthefuck?!" so you put off writing about it til the week later.

my crush and i were close in that dream. he actually likes me in that dream. of course, in real life, he does like me but not in the way i wish he would. he does not like this girl who used to hang around me and i thought that he didn't like me as well. i remember him telling me, "there are times when i wanted to go over to you but when i saw that she was there, i didn't bother to go to you anymore." he and i get to talk in real life but not as deep or intellectual as i wish we would talk. i don't really know him that well and the little that i do know about him is not enough for me to like. i do respect some of the things he's accomplished for himself so far. i think i'm just in love with the idea that i have someone to look forward to seeing everyday (or night) and i get excited about that that idea all the time. it kinda makes me feel alive. it makes me feel period.

i never really got to hold him during the christmas party like i wish i would. he pushed me into the pool, backwards. like i'm lying on the floor because they were trying to push this other guy into the pool and i was pulling him until his back was on top of me then they pushed him and my crush held my legs and tossed me into the water, scratching my arms and back and slightly hitting my head on the pavement before finally landing on the pool floor. he apologized. right after i gave him yosi.

that's the closest i'll ever get to him. i think.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

the title of the song is five years but i waited for seven

i first met the members of Sugar Hiccup when we produced a show for them and P.O.T. at the now-defunct Limits Disco. i never really had the chance to talk to them because we were all too busy fixing other stuff. i had the biggest crush on Melody del Mundo, not to mention, we were all amazed at how a buff guy like Czandro can get those really high notes. it was so jaw-dropping.

when i passed by NU107 Friday night to see if Erwin was there already (and possibly pick up my Brit guy - i asked if he could bring one home for me), i had the opportunity to meet and i did get to talk to the remaining members (Melody has her new band in the US of A) of Sugar Hiccup. they are currently looking for a new vocalist/guitarist, in line with the SH tradition. Czandro even asked me if i wanted to try out for the audition. uh, no. i have to stop smoking if i want to and come on, Melody is kind of a tough act to follow. besides, i'm a really lousy guitar player.

it was nice to hang out and talk to them. i also saw Gino again and he asked me if i wanted to go out with them after the show which would've been a great idea had i the money or the time to actually do so. he also told me i looked great in black. i also met this girl Frankie who works in MTV and Von, who used to star in one of Erwin's past columns. it was delightful to be rubbing elbows with the people you admired when you were a bit younger and hip-hop didn't rule the airwaves (my apologies to the people who love hip-hop and rnb. i'm just sorta sick of it right now because it's what they normally play during training.) and most songhits had rock songs on them. it was just so fun. i didn't feel so old in the NU107 booth as when i had to leave and go to work.

but s/he will never back . . .

Saturday, December 11, 2004

writing as a form of release

i wasn't looking forward to going home from work friday morning. i really didn't know where i'd go, i just didn't want to see my father again. i mean, if your father told you to just, "text me when you're dead so i can bury you", over a few lingering minutes on the phone, wouldn't you feel bad?

i managed to cheer myself up a bit once i got to work. i got to smoke, cry, vent, see my crushes. crushes. you know, those quaint individuals that supposedly brighten your day because they raise your libido or any other nerve of your body. i saw that guy from production who looks like Jerry Yan (although i'm not that much crazy over Meteor Garden) and i even got to talk to him. had i seen Piolo , the day would've been more cheerful. the day, not me.

then i remembered that it was in fact a Friday and i always look forward to reading my friend Erwin's column (The Outsider on The Philippine Star) on the hope that it might cheer me up or at least give me something to think about other than my pathetic miserable life.

apparently, Erwin has finally discovered weblogs, a concept i've been trying to tell him about ever since i met him. i even wrote one about him. it took this fantastic thing called "vacation" for him to know about it. jeez, his friend Quark got to read my blog before he could. while Erwin doesn't exactly do blogs, he writes articles for a newspaper which is probably what we bloggers would've liked to do, given a chance.

i've always been a writer. not writer, writer, although i do write poems and short stories. the ones i write are my outlet, whenever i have something against the world (which thankfully, i don't lose out on, i always find something wrong with the world, with people, etc.) or when by some stroke of fate, the world suddenly decided to be kind to me. in short, i had so many diaries. i used cattleya notebooks because the pretty ones weren't long or thick enough to hold my bottled up anger. if you stack them up all now, they'd reach up to my knee. i didn't really learn to speak up for myself until i reached third year college. i've always been gregarious, yes, but i was never confrontational. i keep my thoughts to myself most of the time, until i discovered blogging. now, even when i don't speak, the whole world knows i'm pissed with this or that person or i'm overwhelmed by this particular movie, music or book, or maybe even with a certain person.

i've always turned to writing whenever i felt sad or angry. rarely when i'm happy. because when you're happy, you don't seem to be doing anything else but be in that state of happiness. but when you're sad or mad, in order to keep you from stranggling the person next to you or taking away your own life, you turn to writing, painting, singing, anything. shopping never really worked for me. i almost always don't have money.

i'm not exactly the best writer that ever lived. my friends think i have a good command of the english language (may be attributed to The Cosby Show, Three's Company, as well as other american and english sitcoms; Superbook and The Flying House - two Christ-oriented cartoons which i don't get to see anymore) but as Chris commented, i could be uni-dimensional sometimes or as he put it, "unabashedly self-absorbed". i just write what i feel. it saves me and other people the trouble of me having to throw stuff and picking them up again; of slashing my wrists and smoking till my lungs bleed (wait a minute, i still smoke hehehe) or taking any form of illegal medication that may impair my speech or comprehension.

for as long as there are asshole dads, asshole ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, bosses, classmates, officemates, taxi drivers, etc. and really really really bad movies and music, and i have no choice but to live with them because i can't possibly escape, i will write. i will whine, i will vent, i will bawl, i will write.

Monday, December 06, 2004

familiarity breeds contempt

when M and I were still together, we were together 18/6, meaning, if there were twenty-four hours to a day, we were together for the whole 16-18 hours in school and we were together six days a week. it was cute the first two years until she got sick a lot, needed lots of money and wasn't as sweet as when she stole me from A. of course, i became more irritable, more self-centered, more jealous of everyone else she was being nice to so i cheated on her instead. i cannot deny the fact that it was cute and sweet and romantic to be with the one you love almost every frigging day of the week but then when both of you start showing your true colors, you start growing sick and tired of each other. i have to hand it to her, i was a real pain in the ass. i was bitchy, needy, clingy. in all fairness to me, she was insensitive, she was sickly, she was competitive even towards me. so even if we did promise each other forever, one of us was bound to snap one way or the other.

during the review, i wanted to wring my roommate's neck. she was despicable. we were both only children and supposed to be, that would've helped us get along with each other, right? but then, she always kept on telling me not to do this or do that when she wasn't exactly the cutest, cleanest, nicest girl in the planet. it certainly did not please me. not to mention, she had this i'm-older-by-two-years-so-i'm-the-boss attitude as far as house cleaning was concerned. i was so happy that the bar season was over. i got tired of her. i'm pretty sure she got tired of me as well. bet she got tired of telling me to finish all her out-of-this-world cooking, of telling me to go back to hetero, of making me fight with our other roommate by making up stories.

right now, i'm getting pretty tired of one of my officemates. i hate the fact that she doesn't listen to me and even if she does, she's not getting my point. i'm not saying she's stupid, i'm saying she's stubborn. she's taking the whole "mommy bels" thing really really seriously. i hate it when people tell me to go home when i don't want to go home yet. that's my dad's job. i hate it when people tell me that i look cheap when they hug people whose names they don't even know yet. i hate it when they make me feel miserable when i get mad at them like i don't have a right to be upset. even my kids in UE, SBC and UST don't treat me that way. they listen to me and they don't depend on me so much. i am not their mother. i'm just their friend who happens to have motherly instincts, is also prone to committing mistakes and does get fed up when they go past the line. i hate it that they accuse me of not accepting them or understanding. i hate it when people i've only met for like a month or so give me guilt trips for standing up for them and for trying to do the right thing. i hate it when people test my patience. i hate it when people take me for granted and use my spoiling them as a means of making my head ache. i mean, when i was younger, a lot of people hated my guts. i was the epitome of hardheadedness. but i learned to compromise and i never used my unhappy childhood as an excuse for giving other people a hard time. and yes, i do know how flirtatious i was back then (still am now) but i draw the line between simple flirting and selling myself short. and i do try to listen to people who have nothing but good intentions for me. now i know how my friends used to feel about me when i do something nasty. now i understand. i don't try to blame them for telling me what they think. i still keep my principles, i still am the bad ass chick who doesn't care about what other people think. but i keep an open mind just in case they're right.

oh my God, i've officially matured.

the bad thing about being with someone everyday all the time is that whether you like it or not, you will get to know this person and you will either love him/her or hate him/her. you are either endeared more to that person or infuriated to death. you practice your communication skills. you practice patience. you practice tolerance. you practice compassion. by the end of the day, you realize that no matter how you try to be the nice person, you still end up being the one at fault.

Piolo hugs LJ a.k.a. thanks to the weather i got to hug a guy

damnit, i don't even like Piolo Pascual.

i cannot remember what day it was. all i know was that Ira and Gayle were with me and we were smoking at allegro. it was early morning, around 6am, i think. the weather was bad. it was the peak of the storm winnie or yoyong. i don't really remember. it was probably friday morning.

Piolo, whose name i thought was Drew, but turns out to be Eric, was smoking with his officemate Shawn and Matts, Ira's fellow cactus (whatever that means) and childhood friend. because i couldn't remember his name and i really thought his name was Drew, i called him out, "Piolo!" because he looked like Piolo. he was a bit embarrassed. Shawn could only laugh. then i called him Drew which wasn't his name either so Shawn laughed again but called him Eric. so i call Eric by his name, finally. but i also called him, "bading!" to which he retorted, "pag tinawag mo pa'kong bading, hahalikan kita!" of course, the man is perfectly straight and any contest to a straight guy's manhood surely calls for some lip service. i call him the term again twice and the man pulls me to his side, hugs me and kisses me on the forehead (ano 'yun, halik lola?!) and mind you, the Piolo-lookalike sure does smell good. and he didn't let go of me just yet too. he proceeded to hug me and smell me and make me puff from his cigarette. he would joke about how it was a good thing that it was cold and he had me to hug ( awww . . .) and how he wished it was always cold (typical of males getting a free hug from a pretty girl ehem) so he could hug me. the thing was, everytime i'd pull away, Gayle would push me back towards him and he's catch me everytime. i give him that. he smelled so good and he had a great bod. Ira quickly stated that i should give Eric's penis a nickname too (oreo called his penis Princess Sophia, from How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days) and i immediately thought of the name, Daphne. i have no idea why, i just brushed my hand over it, ni hindi nga sumayad kamay ko sa t%#i niya kung tutuusin and called it, "Daphne". Eric wanted to call my boobs Bruno. i told him the twins had names already and he said he wanted to meet the twins someday and he hoped that i'd show them to him.

tough luck, sweetie.

anyway, as the Barbra Streisand song goes, "some good things never last", they had to go back to work. i had to go back up to get my stuff. he did get my number, though. haven't heard from him yet. i know he has a girlfriend and i don't mind. it's not like i'm in love with the guy. he was just very sweet and i loved the way he "took advantage" of me (because i'm always the one to first make a move on people, him doing that to me was nice). it was so subtle. funny, cute and subtle. we even kissed each other goodbye. it was really cute. after he left, i suddenly felt conscious of the way i smelled. i didn't wash my hair that day.

if you're not into yoga now, you will be

i don't get to read the papers anymore. i either miss it because dad left early and brought all the papers with him or because i'm too tired to read the papers to begin with. i came across this article on Corey Wills on the Philippine Star and i got really into it that i read the whole thing even if my eyes were sore from staring into the computer all day (or all night, as the case may be) and taking calls.

of course, the reason i was glued to the paper was very obvious. it was Corey Wills. i mean, i need to lose weight. i need to be able to quit my smoking and other bad habits. i need to learn to eat more veggies and other bland food. but i have to tell you, if i had a yoga instructor that hot and cute, i would definitely stay motivated.

haaay. . .

Sunday, December 05, 2004

don't call me daughter

i'll live through you
you'll be who i never was
if you're the best, then maybe so am i
compared to him, compared to her
i'm doing this for your own damn good
you'll make up for what i blew
what's the problem?
why are you crying?

be a good girl
push a little farther now
that wasn't fast enough
to make me happy
i'll love you just the way you are
if you're perfect
- Perfect, Alanis Morissette

something tells me my dad didn't want his only child to be a girl.

that, or i'm really adopted.

i could never be what you want me to be
all you're gonna be is disappointed
i could never see what you wanted for me
all you're gonna be is disappointed
- Disappointed, Ivy

i am weird. loud. flirtatious. bisexual. abnormal. if my father only knew how true i am in front of everybody, he will never be able to recognize me. i'm serious.

ever since i can remember i've always wanted to run away. i've always felt like this wasn't the spot where God intended me to land on. i am not my father's daughter. i am not the kind of daughter he wants me to be.

first of all, i don't have anything against gay people. hell, my best friends are gay. i used to date gay women. i don't believe in marriage and i might content myself with just living in with the guy/girl i want to spend the rest of my life with and unless i have sufficient evidence that that person is right for me, i might not consider marriage. i don't have anything against people who are physically challenged. i actually admire these people for having the courage to overcome their personal and physical obstacles, which is more than what i can say for myself. money is not as important to me as say, friendship, trust and love. i don't treat women as sex objects or see them as the weaker sex. in short, i hate it when he says he doesn't want to die without me getting married yet because he doesn't trust that i can handle myself or the money he'll leave me. i don't treat men as sex objects (unless they want to be treated as such). i don't make friends with people because they have money, beauty, etc. i just happen to have really beautiful friends who can afford to drink coffee from Starbucks. i don't expect too much from people to the point of not allowing them to commit mistakes. people are human. i am human.

i don't live well in my father's eyes. i will never amount to anything as far as he is concerned and even if i do get to finish everything he wants to live out in me i'd still not be able to live up to his skyhigh expectations. it's so frustrating. i cannot dwell in the past. i cannot live my life forever getting angry. i'm violent enough as it is, i don't need another person's anger to add up to my already implosive character.

i am twenty-seven goddamn years old and he still treats me like i'm four or six or anyone who hasn't finished two degrees in the last ten years. twenty-seven years old and still living with my dad, asking permission from him to go to places because if i don't tell him where i am he will immediately assume that i'm getting myself knocked up and pregnant. twenty-seven years old and i still get hit in the head whenever i try to speak my mind or prove my point.

someday i'll get out of this place. someday i won't be afraid to fight for my belief, my friends, my love. someday, i won't be so angry.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

the plot thickens

so much for World AIDS Day. wore a red ribbon. you know the drill. i think most everyone has seen what the symbol for World AIDS Day looks like. everytime i try to explain to people the first thing they ask me is, "why, you have AIDS?". someone get them a brain, please?

John went home early 'coz he wasn't feeling well. had an extended lunch break. went to NU107.

met Jazz and Echo of Boldstar (got to hug Echo too mwahahahahaha). saw Zach in NU107 but couldn't buy an album 'coz he didn't have any with him. bummer.

before i get to anything, let's all pray for all the landslide casualties. nature's wrath cannot be escaped. plant trees. save paper. have compassion.

so anyway . . .

what a difference a day or two makes.

i'm having trouble unifying my group, my wave nine kids. it's funny 'coz they're not even my kids, my responsibility but i feel so hurt when we don't all get along. (i feel extra bad 'coz somebody got to my crush first before i could hehehehe) they don't get along. they don't understand each other. i can't do anything, say anything that could help maybe bring it all back to what it was. it was starting to be okay. we were starting to get to know each other, even the people that we didn't exactly like at the onset. now, it's just us killing each other.


i hate the fact that i'm crippled. that i can't do anything, say anything to try to get people to talk to each other again. you know, have fun again. we're not kids anymore but we're all acting like it. i don't like it. i don't like it one bit.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

why do people have trouble believing this is me?

Image hosted by

no, seriously, this is me. ust commerce 1998

do i really look that bad now?

Monday, November 29, 2004

a sudden rush of what-the-hell-am-i-doing-here

listening to no doubt's running

i miss M. i miss M more than usual now, more than i should. in fact, i shouldn't miss her. she's with the new girlfriend now. almost everything i experience right now, everything i see, hear, taste, touch, i sort of associate with her. it's bad, i know it's bad. it's not good for my sanity nor for my self-esteem but i remember her. i miss her more than anything.

to add confusion to my already fucked-up brain, i miss A too. i wish i was with her, not all the time though. let me put it this way: i get inundated with M memories and a few flashes of A. between M and A, A was pretty proud of me that i have a job now. if E knew, she'd congratulate me too. i miss kissing A. i forgot how kissing M or E felt like because they were taken away from me by someone. i miss kissing A probably because she was the last one i kissed and the last person who made me feel special before i started working.

why do i remember these people? i spent a good two months trying to avoid them, trying not to have anything to do with them. i really wanted the whole bar season to end. that way i could start a new life and use a new mobile phone number. i really wanted to stay away from the lesbian telenovela scene. it had so much drama. i wanted to forget i knew the law because knowing the law meant i knew them. i met them at law school!!! i wanted so much to take a break from law school and lesbians. i just got so tired of every frigging detail.

some time last week, john was discussing bills and taxes and he didn't know what excise taxes were. but he had to explain it, only he didn't know how. but i did. i knew what excise taxes were and i told the class.

excise taxes: imposed upon the performance of an act, the enjoyment of a privilege, or practice of an occupation, business or profession

i suddenly felt a rush. damnit, i know something you guys don't. and i didn't even get that from law school. i got that from business school! i had tax class even before i went to law school and you guys still didn't know that?!

it felt good to say something in class and it was relevant, not like the usual wisecracks i come up with. it was actually relevant. i felt good about me. and then i suddenly missed going to class, law classes. i remembered how A would tell me that she did good in her recitations. i remembered how E managed to answer her professor's questions even if she went over to my house and didn't get to study. who could forget M's 100 in Commercial Law Review final (the one she made sure everybody remembered and knew about)? and what did i do in law school? i get good written exams, not necessarily a 100 (i stand by my story about M's 100. she studied, yes, i give her that. but . . . ) and answer most questions in my subjects. being able to remember something as easy as an excise tax definition isn't much, i know. but the fact that i still remember and was able to explain it to a bunch of 20 year-olds felt good. and then i missed my lesbian exs. then i didn't feel so good.

what the hell am i doing here? why am i here again? because whether or not i pass the bar, i'd still be studying law anyway. because the chances of me running into my exs or my law school enemies are little because they work in the daytime and i don't. because i'd earn here something i might not earn working as a paralegal. because i wanted the change. and what a change it is.

i remember M telling me the day she broke up with me (and this has no relevance whatsoever to my story, only that it is proof of how much i miss her. the mush. eew) that she will never find anyone as weird or as neurotic as i am and even if she did find someone who was such, "they're not you".

a month later, she was courting her dentist. damnit, i can't believe i fell for that. i was so stupid. so gullible. maybe i deserve to be here. maybe i belong here. now i know why they call it a rush. it quickly passes.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

what i hate about this class

listening to free cd from mario of the gweilos hour, jack lives here in session manila , kjwan's boomerang

i hate the way they overtalk john, our trainer, whenever he's discussing something in front. i hate the fact that they act like kids who need to be told not to talk whenever somebody else is saying something important in front. i hate that they call me "mama" but they don't respect me. i hate the fact that there are some people in my so-called group who are like the idiots and hypocrites they so like to diss. i hate the fact that there are people in this group actually had the nerve to say that they don't want to speak in straight english because according to them, "nanay mo nga tagalog ng tagalog eh" even if it's the number one rule we have to follow. is this how they want to play it?

people, when i speak in english, i speak really really good english. when i speak in tagalog, i speak really malutong na tagalog. i don't want to be accused of being coño, or of trying too hard. neither do i want to insult anyone who speaks to me in tagalog by talking to them in english.

i promised chris that i wouldn't be the arrogant english speaking idiot we often see working in these companies. i promised rose that i wouldn't lose it over some trivial thing. i promised tina that i'd swallow my pride for just that, the money. i wouldn't lose myself, my ideals, my dreams of becoming better than what i am right now.

i don't sing too much in class. there are too many great singers in my training class. i don't try to project too much. there are too many girls/guys in class who think they're cute. i don't flaunt my intelligence. all of us are graduates. i just happen to have a law degree but we're all basically the same =) i don't want to have to release any stupid law jargon just to prove how smart i am. i know how smart i am. lawyer by next year or not, nobody can change that.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

face to face with qt and agaw agimat

listening to urbandub's influence album

i visited NU107 last night before my shift with my friend cris, my officemate, to check on erwin and mario and the gweilos hour. when we got there, good ol' Mr. SLAH was there, an hour early for his metal madness show. i saw mario and a few other people. they usually have guests in the gweilos hour that i don't know about. you just hear about them the moment you tune in. i couldn't recognize their guests. erwin was still on his honeymoon. i have to write that guy and tell him and yvonne to bring home an englishman for me. anyway, there was this cute tall thin guy though. caught my eye. caught cris' eye too. well, cris doesn't exactly miss anyone. the kid takes after mama bels' flirtatious behaviour. kinda like bels circa '97-2000. anyway, i digress. it turns out, the cute tall guy happens to be Hank, agaw agimat bassist. mario introduced me to him and Jephthah, the drummer, when QT and Renmin walked in.

oh, by the way, QT and Renmin are married now =) this was one of those nights when i'm pissed with myself because i wasn't able to bring anything for them to sign on. you know, the fan in me. when i was still reviewing, i even let zach and aia of imago sign my labor book and i let karl roy sign my civil code. i didn't have anything for QT to sign. but i got their number for bookings and inquiries. too bad i didn't get hank's number.

i suddenly feel embarrassed that i don't have their album yet. haven't gotten my pay yet. haven't been to the malls yet. maybe when i get me money, i'll get their mantra =)

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

cliche (a.k.a. mush alert!!!)

this song was written in 1997 at the UST CJ office
lyrics by Bels Dacumos, Tina Aguilar and Beth Adaoag
music by Precy de Jesus

(precy strums the guitar then duane comes in. since i heart him at the time, i blurt out the lyrics . . .)

i've always wanted to hold you
but time always keeps us apart

if only i had the strenght to tell you
what i'm keeping deep inside my heart

that i love you, yes, i do
i love you, only you

all alone i'm thinking of you
in this empty room wishing you were here
if only i could turn back time
then everything will be alright
you're whispering the words i want to hear

you're saying "i love you, yes, i do
i love you, only you"

we can get through, we can break this wall
because i have faith in you
i believe in us together

open your eyes and see the truth
it's me you need
and all i need is you

all rights reserved.

don't test me on this. 'coz as reese witherspoon said, "i'm a law student" =)

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

fiddle, fiddle. niblets, niblets

when M and I used to go out, we'd buy lots of books and cds and vcds and band equpiment, etc. we usually did our shopping before going to our law classes. i'd buy a cd or a book and she'd buy something, we'd always buy something for each other and we got something for ourselves. wait, i just said that. anyway, after we did our shopping, by the time we get to the fx, we'd say "fiddle, fiddle" and we'd open the plastic bags in the fx and start checking out the stuff we just bought. i know it sounds a bit childish but we were both crazy about things and about each other at the time so we were like little kids who were opening their toys for the first time. then i'd read by book and she'd check out her cd or new hardware tool, whatever. whenever i was done "fiddling" or she was done "fiddling", we'd go back to bugging the other who was still engrossed in her new toy/thing/whatever. i'd nibble her ears or she would nibble mine in little small nibbles, like a mouse would go nibble an ear of corn. hence, the term, "niblets, niblets". we'd tickle each other.

after M and i broke up, i had probably bought a couple of tapes, cds, vcds. and books, the latest of which is Citizen Girl, from the same people who gave us The Nanny Diaries which i haven't really read; Fast Food Fiction, which is a collection of really, really, really short stories from some of the best Filipino authors and The Eraserheads' Fruitcake, which i got for only P30. i got the Orange and Lemons album, the Kjwan self-tilted debut album, among other things. but i never really got to share opening their wrappers one by one with anybody. well, not anymore.

it would've been fun to open them with someone, share that childlike experience of taking out their wrappers carefully (so if they're defective, we can have them exchanged) and flipping through the book's pages or the cd's leaflet/lyric sheet with someone. now, she's probably doing that with somebody else.

oh yeah, she's already doing it with someone else.

i sound pathetic, don't i?

when i was opening the wrapper of the citizen girl book in the fx, i couldn't open it. the guy behind me finally got pissed off watching me so he offered his swiss knife so i could slit the damn plastic cover off the book. i wanted to use it to slit my throat 'coz i missed M so much. i missed feeling loved so much. feeling niblets in my ear.

guess i have to do that on my own.

oh yeah, since M and I broke up, i have been doing it on my own.

Monday, November 22, 2004


aaarghhh!!!! my legs are still aching from the buttspell our trainer made us do. we were late because we were smoking and talking downstairs about the people who piss us off in class. that's how it is. you're late for work, you spell with your butt. you speak in tagalog, you spell with your butt. in front of your teammates or another training class.

my wavemates and i went for a drink at whistlestop before calling it a day. we felt we deserved it. it gave us some more time to talk and discuss about the people who pissed us off. we talked about our payroll and how we might not be able to get the full amount of our month's work. we dissed people some more. i told them that i was glad to be working with them, at least they're not braindead. they told me that every company has at least one braindead person in its staff.

i haven't been getting enough sleep. i sometimes doze off in the training because i don't have a computer to navigate. there are some people who could've shared a unit with you but they'd rather keep it to themselves. i share one station with this guy who probably thinks i don't have taste (translation: he probably thinks i like him. i don't. you know how flirtatious i get. the one i want is unattainable) , he's getting to be really good at navigating the PC because he hogs the computer, he's always the one driving. well, at least he let me share the unit with him. it could've been worse right? i totally sucked doing role-playing. it just seems so easy when you're sitting in your own spot. nobody told me that everything you know does vanish the moment you're up there!

what i miss most ever since i started working aside from having enough sleep is going out with my friends. it's just like when i was still reviewing. i got to go out at night. chris told me that things would be different once i start working, especially in a call center. he said that i wouldn't have a life. well, i try to do what i can. right now, i don't only not have money, or a honey and i don't really get to see my homies (futile attempt at rhyming there).

i just hope things turn out okay. there should be a point to all this not being able to sleep very well, not seeing your loved-ones, not being with your friends, not having a life. i mean, it's not different from law school although law school is like a killer hands down. but i still want to be a lawyer. and i still want to go to work.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

mama gina (a.k.a. there's not much of a difference between law school and call centers)

my trainer's favorite words: make sense? alright, cool.

i'm finding it weird that i'm not the center of negative energy at training class. i know that i have a tendency to rub off people the wrong way and they'd hate me after that no matter how much i've proven them otherwise. i don't find it weird that i'm once again the nanay of the class. the gina part, that, i find weird. i think it's because i don't have any pretensions. when i speak in english i don't sound like i'm trying too hard. when i speak in tagalog, i speak tagalog with a crisp. in short, i'm not coño. i've earned their respect even though i work under the radar. people have respect for me because i'm older, i seem mysterious and in a way, much wiser. oh yeah, it's also because i'm a fucking law graduate and nobody wants to mess with me. damnit, lawyer by next year or not, you can't change the fact that i finished law school. and even if five thousand four hundred twenty-two other people finished law school and took the bar this year, you can't really deny the fact that law school isn't exactly a walk in the park.

i don't really like to put labels on people. i don't really like it when people get this weird or negative first impression about me and then not change their mind afterwards even when i haven't really done anything for them to hate me so much. so i try to keep an open mind about people and give them the benefit of the doubt until they prove me otherwise.

there was this girl i found really hot and i thought she was pretty. but then she opened her mouth and i realized that she was pretty stupid. i tried hanging out with her, you know, smoke with her during breaks to find out if she had any redeeming factors to make her worth my time and friendship and i got really disappointed. i don't really enjoy hearing about people who do nothing but spend their parents' money to get wasted. i hate being right about people. especially when i'm right the negative way.

there's this girl i hang out with a lot. i wouldn't normally hang out with her considering that her voice is high-pitched and really irritating. but the kid is so true to herself that you can't help but adore her and just skip the part where her voice is shrieking and it's hurting your eardrums. i am actually part of a big group and i'm not used to it considering that i like being alone. it's weird. we have this sort of alliance or special circle. guess what my role is?

there ain't much of a difference between law and call centers because a) you get zero hours of sleep or none at all; b) assholes and bitches are a common breed. they can be found anywhere in the world; c) people will always be mean to you no matter what, regardless of your working environment; d) there is always someone with a high-pitched voice somewhere; e) there's always someone who thinks they're better than others and try to put others down to elevate themselves (hmmn . . . sounds familiar); f) people will always talk about you behind your back (it's just that in law school, they use law terms and in call centers, the words they use vary from campaign to campaign); and g) the possibility that you'll have lung cancer, a liver or kidney problem can be seen in both scenarios.

before working in a call center i thought that most kids who work here are pompous and arrogant. that's partly true because there are kids here who think they're better than you are and they put labels on you just because you're loud and you speak your mind. they don't bother making friends with you because they think you're not worth their time. and it's also partly not true. a lot of the people that i share training class with are just trying to earn a living and helping their parents or proving something to themselves. nothing wrong with that. and while i get really pissed off with some of these people because they're kids and they don't know the value of money or respect or because they simply are a bunch of stuck-up little idiots, the number of people that are actually nice sorta offsets it all. i don't really have to deal with them and their i'm-better-than-all-you mentality. and even if i do have to deal with them and they give me a hard time, the fact remains: they're still the stuck-up little idiots that that they are and i'm still the fucking law graduate (who hasn't exactly seen a lot of action lately).

make sense? alright, cool.

dozing off at work

so much for my vampire lifestyle. i keep dozing off. fuck.

it's like law review school all over again. you're listening intently because every detail is so fucking important but you can't stay awake because you know everybody else in the planet is in deep slumber.

i like my class/training work/office, whatever. we have this sort of alliance. will discuss later on in the day when feeling more awake. hopefully even post pictures.

haay naku. there's no easy way to make a living. really. ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thursday, November 18, 2004

the first five days at work

listening to lamb's gorecki (still haven't figured out how to put music in the damn page. sowee!)

warning: DO NOT READ THIS IF a) having zero hours of sleep; b) lacking ability to poo; c) throwing up incessantly grosses the hell out of you.

i survived the first five days at work even if it means having fucked up all your sense of time. i have no idea what it is today. i have been awake for more than 25 hours. i just got home from having my medical checkup, employment requisite. i could've gone home earlier if i had been in control of my bodily functions. don't you just hate it when you have to do something really really important and your body doesn't react to you the way it should? i had to go to the clinic because they needed all the employment requirements by their desk end of this week and i figured since i was able to catch a few z's (just a few. was awaken by classmates/officemates, because it felt like a class anyway, singing to Madonna's Crazy For You), i might as well go to Makati and get it over with. and my dad accused me of actually going to the mall. some dad, huh? i could've gotten home sooner, i mean, who doesn't want to go home and get some sleep? but i couldn't fucking poo! sorry to the sensitive.

as i said, our work trainer is very very nice and cute. but he's engaged and i have enough people blaming me for their broken relationships. i just want to be the guy's friend. i have a different crush at work. the man is cute, but he's still a kid. i'm older than him by 5 years which isn't a lot actually. i just don't think a cute guy like that would ever find me attractive.

there's this girl whom i thought was pretty but then she started opening her mouth to talk and i found her pretty stupid. it's just like walking among the braindead. it just proves the theory that some call center kids are just arrogant english speaking dudes who "work" to get more gimmick money. i get along with my other officemates. it's just that most of them are so young that they don't know the value of money yet and they don't follow rules (like don't speak in tagalog, don't talk while somebody else is talking in front, or there's a limit between what you can actually say to your trainer as his friend and what you can say to him as his student. in other words, respect is sorta important. i admire the guy for his patience. last night he sang along This Love by Maroon5 and muttered the lyrics, "this class is taking its toll on me," because we could really get on his nerves if we could help it. he just lets us get away with it because the man is all about fun.

1) Play
2) Make their day
3) Be There
4) Have Fun

i'm trying to learn to have fun. you learn something new everyday. i meet new people everyday and every once in a while i meet someone from my past like a schoolmate in elementary or high school or college or a neighbor or a relative. it's cool. i just don't think i will ever have a love life for the next six months or more. or a social life. or a sex life. or a life period.

i'm just so proud of myself. this is my first job. it's not much to some people and to to others it's like, "duh, what the hell is a law grad doing in a call center, hello?!" but i'm starting to like it. i mean, i love it. it's work, it pays good money, the people are nice and it's better than bumming around, that's for sure. i'm okay. i'll be okay.

damnit, i wonder how i'll hold up for tonight's class. sigh.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

confused, incompetent, rude

i was at training class today. there was a new guy in class, he sits next to me and we pair up in activities. i feel like i'm in college again. pair and group activities, hanging out during breaks, smoking, having a crush on the American trainer who looks like Adam Levine of Maroon5, stuff like that.

i miss being alone. during breaks i always have people with me when i smoke. i miss my old smoking buddies: ain, M, A, the tall thin cute guy with dimples. i get to talk about A, M, and E a lot because everybody in class is so interested about me; they never really thought that i was the girl in the relationship. they get the shock of their life when they see my grad pictures. ang ganda ko naman kasi!

i miss them in different degrees. in E, i miss the friend i could kiss and talk to about anything. in M, i miss the person i almost spent the rest of my life with. in A, i have no idea but among these three lesbians, she's the one i miss the most. it's weird because A and I only spent a total of four months together. two months in 2000, before M and two months this year, after M. i miss all of them because there is another bisexual in class and she's also an only child. she gets some action, i don't. so you could say that's why i miss my butches (pwede ring "i" instead of the "u"), because she gets laid, i don't. she flirts around me a lot. she's nice but i don't look at her that way.

i mean, i love lesbians. lesbians are so hot. pero lalake naman muna, pwede?

a friend from college will come back from the US next year to see me. i like him, he likes me. falls under the category, "lalake". is cute, plays guitar. will do nasty things to me upon reaching Philippine territory. then what? he leaves afterwards and i am left with nothing again. not that i expected anything to begin with. a long-distance relationship is out of the question. it just gives people mixed feelings.

i've always been picked to be the group speaker. i have no idea why. we all seem to speak well in English. i just don't understand why it has to be me. maybe they're just better off speaking over the phone and not anywhere else. but shouldn't they be able to pull it off in front of the camera and out?

bels: sweetie, tone down a bit. i like you but not that way.
girl: don't worry, bels, we're not gonna have sex. i don't like to collect antiques!

Saturday, November 13, 2004

sometimes the things we fear the most are the things that we become

i already have a job.

i don't sound too happy, do i? that's because before i got this job, i used to diss people who have this job. i used to think that a lot of them were a bunch of arrogant people who just happened to be good in English. now i work with them, i love some of the people, they're actually very nice. but i still think some of them are a bunch of idiots who just happen to be good in speaking English.

i don't wanna get bitter
i don't wanna turn cruel
i don't wanna get old before i have to
i don't wanna get jaded
petrified and weighted
i don't wanna be bitter like you

- Bitter, Jill Sobule

my Dad can be a real jerk. i think one of my friends described him as pure evil. he can be really really mean. he always says that i will never amount to anything. no matter what i do, no matter how much i've achieved, i'm still not good enough for my old man. he has so much anger. he hates gay people which is ironic because i'm not really straight. he can be very materialistic and all other shit i don't really feel like talking about right now. it's a double-edged sword since all this hostility towards my whole being has made me a stronger person, however, the longer i stay with my father, the more i fear that i'd end up like him. i already have so much anger in me right now. i don't want to be like him.

all men marry their mothers. all women become their mothers.
- Jessica Zafra, Chicken Pox for the Soul

guys like to mistreat women. (without meaning to generalize) guys tend to hurt women's feelings, without thinking of the consequences. they treat women like shit and they want to bring the best to mama. but if all the nice women have been scarred already, what else is there to show to mama? they like to be taken cared of so they want someone who's close to what mom is like. wussies. there is actually a guy who did marry his mom. remember Oedipus?

much as we hate to admit, we want to be like our moms. we want to build our home the way our mothers brought us up. my mother had very strong qualities, although i don't think bisexuality was one of them. i am scared too, that i'd be like her in the sense that she never really fought for her rights in the house when my father was out of line. i hated that. i don't want a married life like that. oh yeah, i didn't want to get married to begin with.

when you can put a face on what you fear, you can beat it
- Coach Whitey, One Tree Hill

we don't have to be serial killers or rapists. we don't have to end up being the person we don't want to be. life is all about choices and i know it's sounding too cliche but we can choose not to be the persons we hate. we can be happy. it's just a matter of believing in our capacity to discern, in our belief in ourselves.

ergo: i will not be an arrogant English-speaking idiot. i will not be a homophobic condescending self-righteous bald man. i will not be a submissive wife. i will not be anything i don't want to become. i will not be unhappy. i will not allow my hate to take over me.

Friday, November 12, 2004

beginning the vampire lifestyle

listening to the now-defunct A Murder of Crows Not My Day (when i finally learn how to put music in this thing, i'll let you guys hear it. i tend to be PC illiterate, remember?)

i started training for work today. had to wake up at 3.30am to be able to get to ortigas at around 6am. gaaad . . . was that hard! next monday we'll be starting the graveyard shifts of 10 pm to 7am. i don't really have any problem staying up late considering that i've been reviewing around that time and i surf the net and sleep at around 4am just checking out other people's blogs. how hard can it be? i just hope i can follow through and stuff. i hate to get fatter than i already am. i don't want those black circles around my eyes. but you have to, because work requires that you do stay up late.

interesting day at training. we have a cute trainer. i thought he was brit. he's actually an american. he's tall and thin and cute and hot and very funny. you couldn't tell that he lacked sleep. i also met some very weird people. i mean, if you thought i was slutty or weird, you should meet the people i'll be working with.

another thing i look forward to is seeing celebs. i mean, rock celebs. this morning i saw Quark Henares and Diego Castro and Francis Reyes and they were having a meeting with other people. they looked so cute. so near. so human.

i've always been fascinated by vampires. sleep all day, wreck havoc in the night. i'll finally get to live like one. no more one-night stands. just one-day stands.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

because there are things i have trouble forgetting

jeepney by sponge cola

bumaba ako sa jeepney
kung saan tayo'y dating magkatabi
magkahalik ang pisngi nating dalawa, nating dalawa

panyo mo sa aking bulsa
ang kahapon ay naroon pa rin
tawa nati'y humahalay sa init nating dalawa

subalit ngayo'y wala na
ikaw ngayo'y lumayo na

Naaalala ko ang mga gabing nakahiga sa ilalim ng kalawakan
naaalala ko ang mga gabing magkatabi sa ulan

kulay ng iyong ngiti
at tikwas ng iyong buhok
ang lambot ng iyong labi
kahit anino mo sa malayo
ay nais masulyapan
upang mapawi ang lamig

subalit ngayo'y wala na
ikaw ngayo'y lumayo na

naaalala ko ang mga gabing nakahiga sa ilalim ng kalawakan
naaalala ko ang mga gabing magkatabi sa ulan

subalit ngayo'y wala na
ikaw ngayo'y lumayo na

naaalala ko ang mga gabing nakahiga sa ilalim ng kalawakan
naaalala ko ang mga gabing magkatabi sa ulan

naaalala... naaalala... naaalala... naaalala...

n.b. remember their myx performance where yael was perspiring and you want so much to wipe it off with your tongue? you want to wring the neck of the girl he sings this song to and you wish it was you =)

superman was afraid of cockroaches

in loving memory of a lost love


superman had high blood pressure. presumably from smoking too much and trying to prove that one can down 18 bottles of beer in one sitting. superman was allergic to chicken and eggs, it made small watery dots appear in the palms of the hand. shrimp and crabs also made superman itchy all over. body parts used to ache a lot: back, head, backside, arms, hands, feet, legs. would often have really bad headaches that prevented me from going to the bathroom to pee ‘coz I had to be there when superman woke up after a brief nap. superman even had a mild stroke some time in 2001 (or was it 2002?) that nobody knew about except me. made superman really weak and talk funny and miss all her exams. I took care of her like a mother would her own child.

superman was very proficient in english. made use of big words like cosmic and sophomoric. wasn’t really crazy about math and hated computing for income tax and succession legitimes. loved to draw, mostly cats (we both loved cats) and a smiling angel atop a cloud. sometimes superman would scribble “I love you Hny!” on her notes.

superman didn’t have much money. she had a trust fund but she couldn’t exactly touch it. other than that, she didn’t exactly have a bank account of her own. had to give superman cab fare after she took me home. when we ate with my friends, she’d offer to pay so my friends wouldn’t know I fed her most of the time. superman had money occasionally and would buy jackets and bags and shoes and watches and tools. guy stuff. anything that was either red or yellow. yellow was superman’s favorite color. she even liked coldplay’s yellow and tried to learn its chords with the new guitar she got. she also got me stuff, lots of it actually (now that I’ve seen my closet, there’s not a blouse, tape, vcd that she didn’t buy or help get), and would call people’s attention to the fact that she bought it for me. but we bought food mostly. there were still some things she could eat that did not have the effect of kryptonite on her.

superman didn’t like her breasts. or her ovaries and had plans of removing them when we had the resources already, after we became lawyers. superman didn’t appear to be a great student but she could argue her cases magnificently. even had me fooled.

superman was very responsible. she’d be there to save the day when everybody needed her. she’d be there for everybody, would have the time and energy to help others out when they needed assistance. she was sweet and sensitive to everybody, she was strong for everybody. everybody but me. I took care of her. it made her feel like a burden to me, that I was spending, that she was always sick but I never said anything. she felt that way because she knew I was right.

superman had planned to build a four-storey house for the both of us. I still have the floor plans with me, safely kept in a rectangular metal box where cookies used to be, along with her letters, cards and baby pictures. back when she was still sweet and nice and loving. back when she loved me.

superman always knew the right things to say. probably from old Audrey Hepburn movies and the classics like Romeo and Juliet, A Love Affair, Heaven Can Wait, etc. she said I was like “fine Scandinavian glass”. she sang to me really old songs that I have never even heard of. she had a really good voice but she preferred to support me instead. I had a tendency of being selfish. she gave me everything then. but superman just had to be stronger, smarter, cuter than everybody. it’s a guy thing. I didn’t realize it till superman had her super teeth fixed to make the devilish grin look even super cuter.

superman taught me that things expire, wither, fade and die. superman taught me that forever had an expiration date. superman taught me how a love could grow, how it could wither, die, fade away. when superman left me, i died. she said my love was kryptonite.

but i loved superman. i love her still. i even told her, "you will always be the man in my life. if we ever live again, in the next life, i'll find you and i'll love you. even if we're both gay men in the next life, i'd still love you and i'll keep on loving you till there aren't any next lives left".

when superman was killed by doomsday, i believe DC Comics still tried to resurrect the comic book superhero but he didn't come back the same man anymore. he was no longer the same "Man of Steel" we knew and loved. when my superman left, all my ideas of love and forever left with her. forever expires. forever does not exist and superman is still just a comic book character.

n.b. a year ago, today, forever expired.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

career opportunity the one that never knocks, career opportunity the one that never knocks, career opportunity the one that never knocks!!!

only in the Philippines does the word, "career" have a meaning other than one's business or profession. if you've been living under a rock, and i pity you because your life is more pathetic than mine, for your sake i will tell you that career not only refers to your business or professional life, it also refers to your love life and sometimes, even your sex life.

i am so exhausted. drained is more apt. one minute, you're at home eating like there's no tomorrow; next minute, you're facing this panel of people who could actually be your students in an English class and their interviewing you. in just a matter of days, i might not just be a bum anymore. i might actually have work. that pays. even if it will kill me or my body in the long run. i feel so bad. i feel so tired. and i've been walking along the ortigas area now, too. if i still can't get it, i might have to take off my clothes, turn them over and wear them again just so i won't get lost.

November 6, Saturday - E's birthday
1. i left a message in the machine, hopefully her paranoid girlfriend won't know it's me and make a big deal out of it.
2. a really cute guy went to the computer shop to ask if we burned CDs and my dad told him that we don't have a CD writer. i felt so bad for the man, he looked like he needed some lovin'. made me wanna butt in and say, "i have a burner. it's in our house. it's in my room. it's near the bed."
3. i texted A an advanced happy birthday (is it advance or with a "d"? i forget) using my new number and i didn't even tell her who i was. i felt like a really bad stalker.

November 7, Sunday - A's birthday
- sent my new number to my crush, the tall thin cute guitar guy with a girlfriend. he acknowledges the message and get this: HE DIDN'T CALL ME "NAY" AND HE SAID THAT HE MISSED ME!!! wait a second, i think my IQ just fell.

November 8, Monday - my first kiss&first boyfriend's birthday 
1. application with first call center company - has nice people. few male employees, but cute ones and finally, an interviewer who has actually read my resume! i hate these silly so-why-did-you-transfer-from-UST-to-UE questions that make you sound like you spent the last ten years in college.

2. met with Karla in starbucks megamall, had my first yosi in a week, we ate and walked

3. application with second call center company - this is where, according to a very reliable source, a former NU107 DJ and a vocalist of a certain rock band are working as English trainers. i passed the initial interview, the one where you talk about yourself for one whole minute and they just pick the people who pass this stage. then they tell the people who didn't make it with the pampalubag-loob, "we'll just call you" when you know for a fact that they never will. maybe after six months. there was this guy i kinda liked. when he said, do you have anymore questions?" i kept on blurting out, "what's your number?" it turns out, the man is gay. no wonder i was attracted to him. hmp. i also passed the second panel interview, where they kept asking me why i want to work in a call center while this other woman was applying in a call center job so she can have enough money to study law. oh yeah, and the guy i liked told me i look like Gina Alajar. oh great, i'm Geoffrey Eigenmann's mom!

4. i saw Drew Fuller on studio23's Charmed reruns. haaay . . .

 photo chris.jpg

November 9, Tuesday
1. second interview with first call center postponed
2. exam and third panel interview with second call center nailed =)
3. met karla again. we roamed around and she was my mall tour guide. she burned a CD of my favorite band for me. THANK YOU!!!
4. bought two interesting books. used my already worn out extension credit card (because i only have less than forty bucks on my own account!)

i obviously did nothing but look for a job and as i have said, i might have one soon. i will finally have a career. i have not worked a single day of my life. well, i almost worked at Jollibee UST Dapitan when i was a freshman but my father didn't let me work. i'm not sure if he was concerned that his only daughter was working in a fastfood chain and it would embarass him or that i could get knocked up and not finish college. but anyway, i'm excited. yes, i am finally joining the work force and yes, i did join the call center bandwagon. i had to start somewhere, i have little to none working experience. this is the perfect transition.

while i'm working on that, i don't have a career. you know, "karir". nothing. nada. zilch. bummer.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

for the love you bring won't mean a thing, unless you sing, sing, sing, sing

i miss singing. in front of a crowd. in the bathroom. anywhere. i used to sing a lot. aside from the fact that i have this terrible cough and cold, i kinda lack the drive to sing. it could be that i'm not inspired because i have no one to sing to or the fact that there aren't too many good songs anyway nowadays to sing to. i also haven't written a good song in ages.

my crush, the tall thin cute guy with dimples, the guitar player, texted me the last week to tell me that he was watching this gig. he told me that he missed playing and that we could really give the guys he was watching a run for their money. i found it sweet that he remembered me. i found it nice that he complemented my singing that he'd actually miss it when he was far away watching someone else.

i'm not exactly amazing, at least, i'd like to think i'm not amazing. i have friends who tell me i sound good without getting paid for saying so. i never really got that much of a boost here at home. they didn't want me to earn a living by singing, not that i would. maybe as a side job, not exactly make a living out of it. my father perpetually mocked the sound of my voice and my mother stood by him just to discourage me from singing. i don't sound that bad, i'm sure. but we had a choir at school, and a band and i joined them every chance i could. besides, God gave me the voice. not the voice, but a voice. some people aren't as fortunate to have that so why should you waste time trying to hide it? you will only develop halitosis and i didn't want that. it felt liberating to sing, to be able to express yourself through music. even if the words aren't exactly your own, when you sing them, you put your heart and soul out there for people to feast on, and the words become your own. besides, when the writers of the really great songs wrote the really great songs, they weren't just thinking about the money they would make. okay, maybe they were. but at the time they were writing these songs, they were feeling. they were human too, just like you and me. they cried, they laughed; they felt pain, anger, joy, all these things. they put it on paper and put a melody so we could sing along to it.

darn, there aren't too many good songs that make you feel that way nowadays. maybe there are, i just haven't heard them yet. i used to have these song books, i'd fill them up with lyrics of songs i had heard over NU and searched for their lyrics over the net ('coz until now i haven't figured out how to use my cd writer) and sing them like hell, even if the people around me couldn't appreciate them. what mattered was that they were written nicely and they had great melodies. that's how i discovered Evanescence, Frou Frou, Dido, and Liz Phair, among others. it made me happy because these were women other than Alanis, Sheryl, the Indigo Girls and Mother Lilith Sarah who came up with lyrics worth singing to.

when M and i were still together we sang a lot. our voices blended perfectly. she'd sing the guy parts, i'd sing the girl parts. it wasn't just melodious, it was romantic. we knew we loved each other very much (except for the part when we didn't) and it just assured the other how so much special she was, how loved she was. now, she's singing to someone else. damnit, i'm at it again! change topic, quick!

my dad won't allow me to sing in bars (as much as i hate the whole Paolo Santos and company acoustic era, you have to admit, it's become a lucrative business, to the detriment of the Filipino Indie Rock Scene) while i still don't have work. my bandmates and i had this planned out that we'd have day jobs and just play for the extra income at night. oh yeah, we agreed to swallow our prides too. we still respect the term, "original", you know and we'd hate to be the ones helping the Ninas and the Jimmys kill the rock scene by joining the bandwagon. it was meant to warm us up; you know, if you keep singing the same old fucking covers something original just might come out. somehow, that plan never left the drawing board.

i want to sing. i want to write a song that people could relate to. i want that song to be covered and murdered over and over again long after i'm six feet under the ground. i want my voice to be heard. i want to sing and pour my heart and soul out there so people can feast on them. i want to sing.

sing it please, please, please
come on and sing to me, to me, to me
come on and sing it out, loud, now
come on and sing it out to me, to me
come back and sing
in my place, in my place
were lines that i couldn't change
i was lost, oh yeah
oh yeah

Friday, November 05, 2004

Lord, give me a lover!

this is a line from a tagalog movie with the same title. it stars eddie garcia and perla bautista as an insane couple who fall in love in the loony bin, got married when they got out and subsequently bore a child played by daria ramirez. i never really got to see the film, i read this off jessica zafra's column. the parents apparently embarass daria whenever a suitor of hers comes to the house by wearing batman and robin costumes. one night she comes home while it's raining and there's a commotion going on. she actually thought their house was getting burned down. it turns out, the people are watching her parents dance the el bimbo. she gets mad at everyone who poked fun at her parents, about man's cruelty to his fellow human and then she blurts out the makabagbag-damdaming line, "Lord, give me a lover!

i need one right now. really. boy, girl. i don't care. i just feel the need to be really loved and appreciated right now.

"i've been watching the world pass by all around me.
i've been letting the days go by 'til you found me.
baby, what can i do?
i've been out searching for you
i've got a feeling all i need is a love that's true"

it's not just because i can feel the cool breeze of christmas and i'm desperate. besides, it's only my second year without a jowa and i'm not looking for someone just for display to my relatives during the holidays. there are just days when i feel envious of my friends, the ones who are actually happy, that they've finally settled down. sometimes waiting for that 20-word magic line to pop up can be so tiring. i'm not getting any younger. while i'm not exactly looking for husband-material, i am in dire need of good sperm soldiers while i still have some good eggs. not that i have bad ones already. i just need to feel special. i also need to get pregnant. soon!

okay, enough of the pregnancy part. i just want someone who'll be able to live with me and my neurotic behaviour. someone who's also tall, thin, cute and funny, dimples are optional; i need someone who can tame me, i mean, save me from myself sometimes. someone who wouldn't mind listening to me because as chris pointed out in one of his previous blogs (look it up in either may or june 2004), i could be be really self-absorbed. someone to have intellectual intercourse with, as well as sexual. i want someone who can stand up to my father because there are just days when i can't. i start to feel low every time i see a movie or hear a song and know that i have no one to share the moment with or no one to think about at the time. hell, no one's even thinking about me.

no, i don't have any male best friend who made a pact with me that we'll get married by the time we're 30 and we're both still single. even if i do have that kind of a best friend, he probably found a girl who looks like Cameron Diaz a week before i turn 30.

no, i don't have anyone waiting on me; someone i keep on ignoring but is secretly in love with me, ala-Some Kind Of Wonderful. i don't have that. i'm the one who's always secretly in love with someone, the one who's always taken for granted and ignored.

no, i don't want to lower my standards. i'm already accused of flirting with someone i don't even like, why should i aggravate that by associating myself with lower life forms? i'm nice, i'm cute, i'm smart, i could be really sexy if i want to (for violent reactions, get this: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!), and i do take care of people really well so why shouldn't i be given the same amount of care? what's wrong with taking care of a woman? - coffee shop guy, otherwise known as Brad Pitt.

i deserve to be desired. wooed. i deserve sweet nothings and cuddling after sex. i deserve long romantic sensible talks, the kind Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy share in the two movies they did together that i didn't get to watch. i deserve a door and a breath being held for me. being able to sweep somebody off their feet and being swept myself. i deserve to have someone to sing for me and to sing to. i deserve to love and be loved. we all do.

"there's a somebody i'm longing to see
i hope that s/he turns out to be
someone to watch over me"

everybody, say it with me: Lord, give me a lover!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

after all these years, i finally got to meet joe black

it has become very evident that i don't get to go out of the house. pretty soon this blog will be filled with blabs about old movies i've seen on cable.

this morning i got to watch Meet Joe Black over Star Movies. i finally know what the fuss was all about. aside from the fact that it stars Brad Pitt, of course. it was shown when i was 15, i think (i'm not really sure, i'm not that old), and almost everybody in my class got to watch it except me. it was also shown the same time an ape movie entitled "Mighty Joe Young" was shown. i'm not sure a lot of people went to see that. the movie is a remake of the 1934 movie Death Takes A Holiday.

William Parrish (Anthony Hopkins) is dying days before his 65th birthday but he gets an extension by becoming Death's (Brad Pitt) guide here on earth. Death falls in love with Bill's daughter Susan (Claire Forlani) and even gets laid in the process. Susan thinks Death is the same guy she got great chemistry with in the coffee shop, but it turns out Death just needed a body and the cute guy from the coffee shop only resurfaces a few minutes before the movie ends. hence the line, "I feel like I'm making love with someone making love for the first time". it makes me think about the expression, "kiss of death". so if Susan makes love with Death, how come we still see her in the movie afterwards? isn't she supposed to be dead then?

I think it's both funny and touching, the way Bill tries to fix everything before he passes away. he tries to show his other daughter Allison (Marcia Gay Harden) that he loves her just as much as he loves Susan. i can relate to Allison's character because although i don't exactly have siblings, i always have to prove myself to my father. i don't exactly yearn that much for approval, i just don't want to lose my inheritance. my inheritance is always in danger of being taken away from me because for some weird reason i can't do anything good enough for my dad. it's also sad because i keep wishing that my relationship with my father could be like that of Susan and Bill's. i also found it funny that Drew (Jake Weber), Susan's boyfriend and Bill's vice-chairman in the company, in his eagerness to close a deal with a man Bill doesn't want to do business with, thinks that Joe is calling the shots. add to the fact that Bill's comment to Quince (played by Jeffrey Tambor, the guy who looks like Dr. Phil) that any merger would be up to Joe. it was hilarious. Bill is thinking about his time left here on earth, Drew is thinking of pulling the rug from under Bill's feet, Quince just likes little girls but it never crossed anybody's head that Joe might be Bill's young lover. i mean, this guy comes out of nowhere and suddenly the Chairman of the Board doesn't want to hold meetings without him. i'm sorry, i'm spending way too much time in front of the couch.

the movie ends with Susan reuniting with the coffee shop guy. we just assume that after the party's over, people will discover Bill's dead body and how he really died. he was last seen with Joe, the IRS agent, and no, that's not his real name. and then the coffee shop guy's little sister Honey will be so shocked to find out that her brother is actually still alive, just pretending to be an IRS agent.

seriously now, i loved the following lines and how they were used in the movie:

1) "Multiply that by infinity, take it to the depths of forever and you will still have no idea what I'm talking about." - Death to Bill about his job as the angel of death, Bill to Death about love

2) "Easy Bill, you'll give yourself a heart attack and ruin my vacation" - after the board meeting where Bill wouldn't tell the Board who Joe is

3) "Lightning could strike" - res ipsa loquitur

4) "Sing with rapture, dance like a dervish. Be deliriously happy"

5) Joe's line to Drew which i couldn't follow anymore, the part where he says that if Drew tries to test Joe on tbhe matter, Drew will have a finality which is dark and has no doors. i was too busy looking at Brad.

what's a dervish?