Thursday, January 24, 2019

angry girl journal 01.24.2019

walking on the way to work i've thought, "what if i got run over by a truck?" then my manager would have no way of finding out that i wasn't coming to work today.  more importantly, the people who matter will never know how much i cared about them. 

and you, would never know how much i would have loved you, because you wouldn't let me in, and i wasn't capable of letting you see it was okay to try.

Monday, December 24, 2018

angry girl journal 12.24.2018

i've been living alone for the last nine years but i have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers who have been very gracious to invite me to their homes during the holidays. i don't have a significant other but there is an abundance of love all around me. i never feel out of place, wherever i am.  and while i miss my parents, and somehow long to finally find my "home" and create our own traditions together (plus or minus that "from my family to yours" picture), i don't feel alone. 

beats watching While You Were Sleeping at my unit alone. maybe later ;)

Friday, December 21, 2018

angry girl journal 12.21.2018

i have difficulty letting go of things.  same with people.  when i moved here, i had to reduce three storeys worth of things to a room filled with boxes. but in order to make space in this new apartment and the new life i am trying to build for myself, i need to let go of things (and people) that no longer spark joy.  i didn't realize i brought so many pictures of my ex-girlfriend and i with me when i came here.  i even remember the arguments and happy moments that came with those pictures.  i close my eyes, think of her, then tear the picture apart.  not because i'm still bitter and pining over her.  Data Privacy, hello?

i cannot find anyone though, not yet anyway, who would look at me the way she did.  maybe i have.  i don't know. maybe i was too busy looking down being embarrassed so i couldn't notice. i've been so used to being told how ugly or fat or stupid i am that i can't seem to see my worth.

speaking of bitter, i found this draft of a poem i wrote when i was in college. i think they edited it prior to publishing (i am editing it prior to doing the same here) but the meaning is the same:

his piercing eyes seep in the dark
their shadows echo at midnight
he slowly touches her body
a tear falls

his caress, so gentle yet so painful
boggles her mind, troubles her heart

he continues to touch her
persistently coming inside of her
each kiss a dreadful sting
every embrace suffocating
her frail limbs struggle to push him away
no ifs nor buts can overpower his whims
the night is long and deaf to her woes
she drowns in his arms
and a tear falls

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

angry girl journal 12.18.2018

i think most Filipino men my age like a submissive woman:  someone who needs to be saved, or one who does not have a voice.  and while i like my man to lead, i don't want to be saved, or controlled, and i definitely like to speak my mind.  right now, i just need a guy who can reach the top shelf, carry the stuff that i can't, and have coitus with. if he doesn't make any sense, that won't work too because i have better conversations with myself than actual people.

i used to think that i had to find a nice enough boy, get married, raise a family, stay in the kitchen.  i later realized that i am not that girl.  i cannot follow that model.  how could i? i was trapped at home and i was studying while all my peers were out trying to find suitable partners.  how can i possibly fit in that mold?  most of us, if not all, were raised to follow this model, and we don't realize until late that it does not work for us. i know it doesn't work for me.  well, i know i'm in my forties and there are hardly any single guys around that age range anymore, moreso, the kind who is not trapped in the above-mentioned backward mentality.  i have limited options.  i only started putting myself out there and barely know what to do or what to say.  i'm not in a hurry to be in a relationship but i do hope for more opportunities to date, man, woman, younger, same age, or older. 

i don't like drama.  i already have too much drama.  there's only so much drama i can handle in my condition, and there's only so much drama i can impose on someone.  i am too set in my ways, and i might just meet someone who is equally stubborn as i, but i want to be interested and engaged long enough to want to submit to a compromise, or to acquiesce some of that control.   I HAVEN'T.  so i won't settle.  no one should settle for a nice enough guy who will only want them to keep their mouth shut, stay in the kitchen, open their legs at command, or be a punching bag.  falling in love is hard work.  marriage is hard work.  it's like a prison.

choose your cellmate wisely.

Thursday, December 13, 2018

angry girl journal 12.13.2018

when i saw this, i thought of you. i can't seem to get you off my head.  i still don't know why the Universe made our paths cross. i'm not sure if you're staying or just passing through.  i still want to find out. you are either a blessing or a lesson; and i know you might be bad for me, but i want to learn the lesson anyway.

Thursday, December 06, 2018

angry girl journal 12.06.2018

i don't understand.

on my last session for this year, my counsellor reminded me to enjoy the holidays, to not be too hard on myself, to celebrate the things that are great about me, even my flaws, and to be with "someone who appreciates who you are, and understands your trauma".  as she was saying that last part, it was you, not my crush of fifteen years, not my friend from Canada, whom i thought of.  why you? 

Monday, November 26, 2018

angry girl journal 11.26.2018

much as i am embarrassed to admit but i am on online dating sites.   the things that i'm into like theater, indie movies, indie bands, muay thai, don't allow me to meet straight single men because i work nights.  i'd go out and travel but i can only go so far with my salary, and i'm still trying to build my unit from scratch.   that i was living two to three hours away from everything for almost a decade also didn't help.  no chance of meeting a good partner in those areas, or given that distance.  strangely enough, just when i moved closer to everything, most of my matches are two to three hours away from me:  Bulacan, Cavite, Laguna, and well, Novaliches.

most of the guys i chat with in this age range already have grown-up kids. they do get curious when i tell them that i have been single for the  last fifteen years and of course, they have so many questions, especially about that subject.  don't even get me started about the questions on bisexuality.  when they do start to ask inappropriate questions, i ask them: "if your daughter was on an online dating site because she is too busy with work and has no time to meet guys the usual way, how soon do you think should the guys she's chatting with start bringing up sex?"

that usually shuts them up.

i have been told that i might be intimidating or that i might have too high standards.  i can let go some of the subject-verb disagreements, as long as they make sense and can make me laugh.  i'm not really one for long courtships.  i don't even know how regular courtships go.  i don't like going through the whole process of putting your best foot forward and then doing a complete 180° turn just because you're not expected to be nice anymore. you can only pretend for so long.  i don't want to rush into a relationship with the first guy/girl who tells me i'm beautiful.  i was hoping to just keep seeing people, get to know them better to check if there's potential. i don't understand why it is acceptable for a guy to see multiple women at a time and then choose one whom he feels he can build a life with and not accord the gals the same options without being judged or branded as a slut. is that too much of an ask?

i take comfort though, that due to the wonders of technology, my paths cross with people i wouldn't normally have an opportunity to get to know, under normal circumstances.  it doesn't make the dating game any better for me, but it helps learning from the mistake a lot easier.  there's always a lesson to be learned from every experience and i get better as a person.  that's what matters, and hopefully, it also gets me closer to finding the person that God/the Universe meant to be with me.