Wednesday, June 06, 2018

angry girl journal 06.06.2018

"our song."

it's funny because i was thinking about you yesterday and i thought, i'm not as mad at you now as i was a few years back. i can't promise i won't beat you up to a pulp if i ever see you again, though.

Saturday, June 02, 2018

not-so-angry girl journal 06.02.2018

the wonderful pair who combined their DNA to come up with me.  i hope that you love how i turned out and what i try to become. enjoy your anniversary in heaven!

Friday, April 20, 2018

angry girl journal 04.20.2018

there are days when i don't feel like getting up.  and i don't just mean the persisting pain in my lower back, i literally just don't want to get up and get out.  i don't want to wake up.  i feel bad that i did, and i sometimes wish i didn't have to. i also feel bad about wishing not waking up anymore.  i feel bad about wishing i had died, but sometimes i cannot see the point of living.  i do not have anyone.  i do not have anything worth waking up for.  all i have is me, and sometimes, it doesn't make sense to be so. i know i should love myself, but sometimes i just don't.

i lie to some of my friends about not going out with them.  some of them make me feel like a burden without them knowing it, and some of them make me feel more down so i try to avoid them.  it's not their fault i feel this way.  and the people i do meet, sometimes they don't understand me either.  they do not see the point, like i had to have a reason to justify my feelings.   they cannot see why i am depressed when they say i have so much to be grateful for. i cannot blame them. i am grateful for all of these things.  i am grateful for friends.   but it doesn't make me feel less alone.  it doesn't make me feel any better. it's like i have so many people around me but they're not even there when i need them. i feel so helpless. when it happens, i feel so much pain all at once: losing a parent, losing a child, losing a friend or lover,  losing yourself trying to love someone who cannot love you, doing everything and giving it all you have but always never being good enough. it is an overwhelming feeling in my chest so heavy for me carry.  it is not a feeling i can turn on and off at will.  it is not something i do on purpose.

i know enough to know that hurting others is wrong, and that hurting myself is wrong.  but i would rather hurt myself than be a danger to other people.  sometimes i want to cut myself.  i want to scratch my arms and legs so hard they bleed. i feel bad when i have these thoughts because i remember all the wonderful people in my life who are trying to overcome their own battles, the ones who are fighting their sickness to live.  the guilt makes my feelings harder to bear.

i feel so inadequate. i feel this way despite being a good person.  i feel as though i am not enough even though i am fairly liked.  i do good at my work.  i like to think i even excel at it.  i am able to exist as a highly functional human being.  yet,  i feel unloved.  i know my friends love me.  i know my relatives love me (when they're not fat-shaming me or not borrowing money) - they don't have a choice.  but i don't believe anyone can love me.  i've lost faith that anyone can.  i'm not shutting people out.  i just don't think, feel, that anyone can love me with my imperfections.  my parents loved me the best way they knew how, but i'm not sure anyone new in my life would.  i don't know if anyone will love me.  that is the saddest part of all.   nobody goes to a store to buy broken things.  i cannot imagine having a person come into my life and have to deal with me, much more with me like this.  i don't even know how to deal with others who are similarly depressed, since they deal and manifest differently.  i feel bad that i might be hurting them without even knowing. it helps to know i am not alone, though.  i don't know how but i take comfort in knowing someone out there understands what i am going through, even though how we think and feel may be different.   it makes me feel less shallow, because my pain is validated.  i feel more normal.

i pray for my pain to go away.  i pray to overcome my anger, my fear.  i want to be happy.  i don't want to be that negative energy in someone else's life.  i don't want to be the dark side of the Force in my own life.  my faith keeps me alive. 

every day is a battle, i always say.  sometimes i win, sometimes i just let it play out.  pain needs to be felt.  i will continue to fight it, try being the operative word.  try to function like a human being: try to live, work, love.  let people in.  until i can't.

Sunday, April 08, 2018

angry girl journal 04.08.2018

so this is it. i am really here. still takes my breath away, this view.

changing places

we had a good run, and my stay, though brief, was very memorable. thank you!

Tuesday, April 03, 2018

angry girl journal 04.03.2018

i think the problem with people who ask me for favors is that whether i help them or not, they still manage to make me feel like i'm a bad person.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018