Friday, June 07, 2019

angry girl journal 06.07.2019

Weekend Love Forecast for Virgo:
Cheerfulness is a common courtesy and sign of respect.  Anything less is below you, both on the giving  and receiving end.

***
but i thought i wasn't paid to be cheerful? or wasn't i supposed to be not depressed or sad? despite appearances, my normal operation is actually "angry". but i try to be courteous, and at all times, i try to be kind.  if i will be anything today, or any day, i strive to be kind.

Thursday, April 18, 2019

angry girl journal 04.18.2019

what did i learn today? i learned that when you make a mistake, you own it,  you apologize, and then you fix it.  i also learned that while i am not being paid for my positivity, it doesn't mean that i should let my work take away my kindness to others. i should not let their negativity get to me, nor should i infect my negativity towards others.  it is not easy to keep a positive mental attitude in a very stressful and toxic environment, and it is definitely not easy for me, being all suicidal and shit. 

i cannot let other people treat me like shit.  i cannot thrive and be the best version of myself if i stay afraid.  i have to stand up and fight for me. nobody else will. 

it's about time i love and respect myself.  nobody else will.



Friday, March 22, 2019

angry girl journal 03.22.2019

this song by Jewel came on and i have not heard it for a long time but it brought tears to my eyes, just listening to it.  i imagine singing it, as i have never poured out my heart before.  i imagine singing it to you. when i finally find you.

Break Me

I will meet you
In some place
Where the light lends itself
To soft repose
I will let you undress me
But I warn you
I have thorns
Like any rose
And you could hurt me
With your bare hands
You could hurt me
Using the sharp end
Of what you say
But I'm lost to you now
And there's no
Amount of reason
To save me


So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
I'll let you make me
Just let me
Feel your love again

Feels like being underwater
Now that I've let go
And lost control
Water kisses fill my mouth
Water fills my soul

So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
Make me
Just let me
Feel your love again

Kiss me once
Well, maybe twice
Oh, it never felt so nice


Break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your love again
Break me
Make me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Just let me
Feel your love again

Tuesday, March 05, 2019

angry girl journal 03.05.2019

 photo Screenshot_20190226-045423_Netflix_zpsiommavnv.jpg

despite my best efforts to shut people out, i always see the good in people, but hardly see the good in me.  that's why it's so easy for other people to take advantage of me. we all need reminders to love ourselves first.  you cannot offer who you are if you don't know who you are.

i am aware of who i am,  who i can potentially be, and what i can offer.  i know the type of person whom i can be with and how i can bring out the best in them.  i've done wonders for people who were flat out wrong for me.  imagine the great things i could do to, do for, with the right one.

but alas, that person is oh so hard to come by.

***
sometimes it amazes me how brilliant some of the younger men i am chatting with are and it can be utterly disappointing that i can hardly find someone in my age group worth talking to, let alone someone i can actually date.  i think i may be taking my being a "serial first-dater" too seriously, whether i mean to or not.

***
that went pretty well, i must say.  still takes me a little to recover.  the hugging i'm used to, but it's the cuddling, the hand-holding, the gazing at you like you're the only person on this earth who mattered, good conversations.  those little creature comforts i've learned to live without, that i might eventually miss again.  while i gave in so easily, i'm not sure i can handle it.  i'm an overthinker, after all, and afterthought's a bitch. i'll enjoy the moment while i can, while it lasts.

Friday, February 08, 2019

angry girl journal, 02.08.2019

the thing about singing inside a not-so-furnished unit is the good acoustics.  and no one will complain if i'm too loud. 

i'm going to try this at 2AM 😂

***

sending a message to you, through the Universe:

you said, "everyone is a pedestrian".

so when are you gonna go my way?

Thursday, January 24, 2019

angry girl journal 01.24.2019

walking on the way to work i've thought, "what if i got run over by a truck?" then my manager would have no way of finding out that i wasn't coming to work today.  more importantly, the people who matter will never know how much i cared about them. 

and you, would never know how much i would have loved you, because you wouldn't let me in, and i wasn't capable of letting you see it was okay to try.

Monday, December 24, 2018

angry girl journal 12.24.2018

i've been living alone for the last nine years but i have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers who have been very gracious to invite me to their homes during the holidays. i don't have a significant other but there is an abundance of love all around me. i never feel out of place, wherever i am.  and while i miss my parents, and somehow long to finally find my "home" and create our own traditions together (plus or minus that "from my family to yours" picture), i don't feel alone. 

beats watching While You Were Sleeping at my unit alone. maybe later ;)