Monday, February 05, 2018

angry girl journal 02.05.2018

i may be stubborn, but it is better than settling. i have been through too much to be in a relationship just for the sake of.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

not-so-angry girl journal 01.30.2018

i cannot explain how depression works. all i know is that when it sets in, i have to fight the urge before it controls me, especially when it's so easy to give in. sometimes it's easier to give up. and i don't want to give up. i can't give up.

angry girl journal 01.30.2018

Monday, January 29, 2018

angry girl journal 01.29.2018

the thing i miss about having coffee is smoking a cigarette while people-watching. there's so much to be learned just by observing people. i rarely get to do that anymore. other than that, i don't have an insane urge to light a cigarette.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Ang Taba Ko Kasi: the story was good but the songs were even better























i didn't get the chance to see Ang Taba Ko Kasi when it came out in theaters during the Cine Filipino Film Festival so i made it a point to come see it tonight.  the story is about a fat girl who is torn between her hot swimming instructor and her fat jogging partner and it got me thinking: the fact that they had to do this movie to prove a point is why it had to be made and seen by people.  name an oversized girl cast as a lead in romantic comedy. Julia Roberts in America's Sweethearts and Gwyneth Palthrow in Shallow Hal are not included.  HBO's Girls' Lena Dunhan and The Mindy Project's Mindy Kaling do not count.  GO!  let me give you a chance to think about that.

despite what they keep teaching us that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder or what matters is your internal beauty and not your appearance, all the mannequins in the malls are still between sizes 0-6 and the clothes for plus-sized women (and men) do not look fashionable at all.  even if there are so many intelligent, talented, wonderful women (and men) out there, the first thing we still notice are their looks and even though they are beautiful, the next thing we tend to say is, "s/he could be prettier if s/he weren't fat." this movie makes that the center of the story,  makes us laugh and hopefully, changes the way we think about fat people.

Olga comes from a family whose business is great food.  she also happens to be an emotional eater.  despite her best efforts to minimize her food intake and to exercise, she still does not lose the weight.  she finds motivation to swim because of her hot instructor,  Noah, but she is also challenged by Benji, her jogging partner, and his mindset that if she really loved herself, there is no reason she should not be attracted to another fat person as she should be able to see the great person behind the fat.  you know, like Kate and Toby in This Is Us, except i stopped watching that show because the drama keeps getting heavier and heavier and i feel so drained after every episode.  anyway, i digress. sometimes what we hate in ourselves is what we tend to attack in other people (yes, racists and homophobes, you are what you hate) as the insecurity causes us to be narrow-minded.  for instance, she thinks that the reason Noah doesn't like her is because she's fat, when they've only known each other for three days! and even when he did tell her he liked her, she immediately wanted to fuck him when all he wanted to do was to get to know her better.  she also immediately assumed that the reason Benji was sad was because of his girlfriend's rejection of his fat. Olga, like Kate, while insisting that she loves herself, lets the fat define her.  she also becomes one of those shallow people who objectifies others because of their looks. in the end, however, there is hope for Olga.  yes, people, there is also hope for poor, unfortunate souls like you and me.

there were only two songs used in the movie, both from local indie artists: Unspeakable and Slow Mo, and both are amazing and set the mood for the film, while not mentioning the word "fat" or "overweight" in the lyrics.  note to self: FIND THEM!!!

***
while i am in no hurry to lose weight, i am feeling quite better about myself and have seen considerable progress between the company year-end activities of 2016 and 2017:
















there is still so much to be done.  so many clothes in my crates still unworn.  i'd be lying if i didn't say i wanted to look better, but more than anything, i want to be healthy.  i want to look after myself, channel my anger more properly, and not use my obesity to push people away from my life.  there are so many things in my life i need to work on.  let excess fat be the least of those.  

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

angry girl journal 12.27.2017

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free


Wednesday, November 22, 2017

angry girl journal 11.22.2017

i have observed that people don't really listen because they care about what you have to say. some people wait for you to finish because they would rather talk about themselves. some people, they listen to make a rebuttal because they think what they have to say is better. and some people, they don't even bother to let you finish. they just talk over you. not because what they have to say is better. they just think they're better.